Happy New Years Eve!

As New Years Eve approaches every year I think to myself WOW it would be so much fun to see the ball drop in person. Then I think about how cold it must be and then there is the issue of where do you go to the bathroom so that is where the thought ends.

As in every holiday Gerard is only off if it falls on his day off which this is not. Usually he works extra on New Years Eve and so he went into work early. I was scheduled to work but alas there are not enough babies born for me to work so I am off tonight.

Earlier I spent so time with my niece and her husband Jaime and Greg. They are expecting their first baby so the family is very excite and driving Jaime crazy with all their thoughts on how things should be. We went to dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant. Yes, I had the same dish that I have had every time I go there. I just can not help it I love it. I am pretty sure the waiter thinks I am so sort of a nut.

When I think back on 2008 I think about all the things that went right and all the things that I wished were different. I am really lucky.

Did I ever mention that I prefer odd numbers?? Some of my favorite numbers are odd numbers. 7, 9, 11, 13, 19, 21. Every house that I have owned has been an odd number. Every car I have ever owned was made in an odd year? Does that make me odd? Well probably but in a good way. Someone has to balance out all that even stuff that Gerard does (but that is another post). I am so looking forward to 2009.

Happy New Year to All!

Plans are Set & a New Blog Design

First of all thank you all so much for the kind words and support. My plans are set I will be flying out of New York City on January 12, 2009 for the meeting. I will only be spending just one night in Michigan but that does not mean that I will not pack it full of fun and games while I am there. I would love to know what are some interesting things to see while I am there so I am taking suggestions.

I already feel better knowing that I will be physically at the meeting. I hope that I will get all the answers that I need and want even if they are not the ones that my heart desires.

I feel so luck to have so many different people who are looking out for me and are willing to hear me when I rant and rave about the process. Poor Adrienne was kind enough to take time away from her family time yesterday to talk with me and cheer me up. She sure can make me laugh.

Second is my new blog design. I LOVE it. I am not nearly as computer literate as the rest of you who can do it alone. I enlisted the help of wonderful blog designer Danielle who has redone a number of different blogs that I read. I have needed and wanted a blog design for a number of months and now I have one that I think fits me very well.

Funny how things happen at just the right time. Yesterday when I was so up set I signed onto my blog and WHAM here was the new header. I just love the little elements of this design package. Danielle has made redesigning my blog a breeze.
She is such a creative person. Anyone who has had the misfortune to meet me in person knows that I am a bit nutty that is why I thought the acorns were so me.

Lots of changes some good some hard but I know that I will make it through this process by following the path that was meant for me.

I Have Broken Out My Box of Concern and I am Opening IT!

I usually have a box of concern. It is a mental box where I keep thoughts that are not productive or positive. I put all these thoughts into that box and pray that it will all work out. Many of my friends have heard me say "I have a box of concern but I have not broken it open yet!" Well it is official I have opened this box. There have been only a small handful of times when I have opened the box of concern. Decisions must be made and I must make but only after I am completely informed. These decisions must be made with my head not my heart. Thank goodness when I need to be I can be cold and clinical not to say that it is pain free. Just the facts Jack!

Where do I start. If you cry all night does that count for crying once or more then once? I really wanted to limit the number of times I cried during this part of the adoption so that I do not wear out my crying ability. I am sure that it has to do with being over tired, hormonal, worried and sick.

I lost my voice 2 days ago and Gerard has told me to not even try to talk because no one can understand me anyway. Just so that you all do not think that he is mean he told me this while tucking me back into bed and setting me up with cough syrup, cough drops, a cold diet soda and the TV clicker.

This time last year I was filled with excitement. I remember posting my New Years Eve post announcing that I was switching agencies. I was so careful to wait to say something about the switch until I was sure that everything was almost done.

I remember Gerard and I talking about what are we going to do if I call in February or March of 2008. I did not have enough PTO time saved for my entire maternity leave. I have been so careful in the past 2 years to not take time off with pay so that I would have enough time available later to travel and to be home and still get a full paycheck once the baby was here. Plus this was a good way to try out a part time paycheck without making the commitment.

Looking back I really enjoyed the summer months. I went to the beach even though I never actually tanned. I am usually the whitest person on the beach. I am so glad that even though I really do not and have not had any real adoption news in quite some time that I still have written down my thoughts.

He was so nervous that I would be traveling before we were ready. For Gerard he always was thinking that the Fall of 2008 would be such a better time to travel. Secretly, I think he even wished for the Fall of 2008 as the travel time. I have seen a change in him since that time. He is showing his disappointment from time to time now. He has been so sweet in the past 2 months telling me not to worry only to be a worried mess himself.

It has not been a secret that I have been upset with my agency because of the increased time line. Yes, I completely understand that this is what I signed up for and that there are no guarantees in pregnancy or adoption. The reasons why I have chosen this path have all been my own. I know that I am sounding ungrateful and that I must follow in God's path for me. I am trying to do just that. To cry for Julia is no longer an option because of new changes that I am sure I will not like. I will however always remember her and keep her in my thoughts and prayers. Well my agency is calling a mandatory meeting for families who are waiting! The main topic is how the economy has impacted the agency!

Okay I know that I may be a pessimist but how could this be a good thing. Anyone who has followed the economy knows that the news out there is not usually good news right now. I would be shocked if they told me something good. So I have a plan.

I am going to make the meeting for nothing else but for the satisfaction of confronting the agency with my concerns. Am I going to stay with this agency?? Well that is the 64,0000 dollar question! Gerard who knows me the best has not even asked me what I will do. He knows sometimes it is better not to ask.

Christmas Recap

Over Christmas every year I am required to work some part of the holiday every year. That is just the nature of the business. Gerard is only ever off for Christmas eve or Christmas day if the holiday falls on his scheduled day off. So usually he is also working some part of the holiday. Gerard and I had to work into Christmas day, I get home earlier then he does so he woke me up after Santa came to the house.

When I woke up the tree that previously had no decorations on it was decorated in a way that only Gerard can do. He is symmetrical and even with just about everything. I just know he is feeling the strain of the adoption too because usually my presents are numbered in a particular order and no I am not allowed to open them out of numbered order. This year he forgot!! When he realized that I was just opening them in my order you should seen his face. Then he laughed and told me that I took advantage of him.

After we woke up in the afternoon we drove out to Aristotle and Sloan's house for dinner. Because of Gerard's work schedule he has not made it out to their house for the past couple of years. I kept telling him that he was missed and that Aristotle was always looking for him I just don't think he believed me. Gerard was a bit surprised to see the excitement in his eyes as he ran to the door to see him. Even Sloan who is turning 1 in a couple of days noticed that Gerard was there and crawled right into his lap and handed him his pacifier which is equivalent to a hand shake in baby gestures.

We played Monopoly World series style. My BIL Rick is trying to teach Aristotle some Spanish. Now I hate to brag but wow is that kid smart. They have really worked with him. Aristotle did all his transactions in Spanish.

So the day was as nice as it could be for us. I am not saying that there were no tears shed by both of us. Which was a bit shocking. Gerard still thinks that we have made a mistake by not going to get the little girl. I am trying to not let my heart rule my head. I do not usually look at her pictures but in the past couple of days I have prayed over my decision. Gerard keeps asking me when I am going to get her.

Merry Christmas To All

This is a nativity that Gerard grew up with and now is displayed in his Aunt Nel's home. I just wanted to remember the true meaning of Christmas.

Can I Borrow A Christmas Tree?

This year has been a little odd for me. Usually not only are my Christmas cards sent out first but my Christmas tree is decorated for Thanksgiving. This year was a bit different. Santa has not wrapped a thing! I have my tree up but not one decoration on it and honestly I am not planning on puttiing any decorations on it. Maybe I will find some lights.

This is less of a tragidy then one would think because we are never home for any part of Christmas eve or Christmas day. I have already warned everyone that next year don't even ask because we are not going anywhere.

Yesterday I spent the evening baking cookies with Gerard's Aunt Nel so I am borowing a picture of her tree for the blog. Now I am off to help Santa wrap gifts.

My First Blogger Award!

This honor was given to me my my fellow blogger friend Barb who has recently come home from Russia. Her posts about Gotcha day were so moving to me. I encourgage you to read this blog.

6 Things that make me Happy!

1. The smell of baking bread. I think there is nothing more intoxicating then the smell of baking bread. My Mother among other things was a baker. When I was a little girl she would bake bread. I have never been able to perfect the art of baking bread.

2. Going to the beach with an ICE cold diet soda. I love to swim in the ocean and because I live in New Jersey really the only time you can swim in the ocean is in August and early September. I love it when the water is not too cold and I can easily dive into a wave. I love the salty taste of the water.

3. When my nieces and nephews call me or stop by. I honestly believe that they will never know how hard I have worked to be in their lives. Because I was so young (like 12) when most of them were born it could have been easy to not be in their lives. I just love talking to them. They are funny, bright and quirky. They all have a great sense of humor.

4. Having things paid for in full. I am a bit of a freak I love t watch the balance of a loan or credit card decrease. I have spread sheets detailing when a bill will be paid off completely.

5. I love tasting new foods. The crazier the better. I would love to take a cooking class if I had the time. I love to watch cooking shows.

6. Making things. I am happiest when my hands are busy and productive. I love to make all sort of different things. I could not imagine not having a project started. The funny thing is I usually give away everything. I have only one quilt that I have kept for myself and one that I started for my baby.

Now it is my turn to award 6 others with this honor:
So here are my picks:
Jolynn
PeWee
Carrie
Joanne
Jaime
Melissa

Winter Gathering to Amuse Joy Event

Today in between shopping for those last minute gifts my friend Nancy planned a Winter Gathering Event to Amuse Joy. Nancy, Lynn and I went to a local park to make kissing balls. Believe it or not it took 2 hours from start to finish to complete the kissing balls. They are made of a small round piece of Styrofoam painted red. Then a long push pin was put through one end then into the ball. I hung mine outside for the birds.

I was lucky because I still had my camera in the car. I took a couple of pictures of the park and would have taken more except it was COLD! I would say that the temperature dropped about 20 degrees while we were busy making our kissing balls. This park had been a working cranberry bog up until 1993. The park has many buildings including a farm house. I hope to go there again in the spring. I find it amazing that this park is in the middle of a town that I lived in for many years as a teenager and I never knew it was there.







Here is the Marshmallow recipe that I used. Total time to make was about 20 minutes and they were very easy.

Look out for Falling Rates

Life is good around here. I showed Aristotle my blog and he was so excited. For a 5 year old seeing your name on the Internet is a big deal. He was so cute in his winter concert. My sister called me today to tell me how sad he was that I had to leave. He is a part of the No Cavities Club!! That is great news.

So I have been watching the mortgage rates for the past couple of months. I love to buy and sell houses. There is nothing more exciting. I can dream about a summer home. I stumbled on a deal and wanted to let everyone know. The 30 year fixed rate has dropped. My mortgage company is offering a refinance with no appraisal, no closing cost if I do not take out cash. This is great for me because I will be decreasing my monthly payment. Yeah for me! Watch out for those falling rates.

Who Made This Mess?

My house is a disaster! Usually for the holidays my house is completely pristine, organized and decorated. You would think that I would be busy getting things together but what have I done all day nothing but make homemade marshmallows. No one can make a bigger mess in this house then me. Off to clean up the mess and get ready to go to Aristotle's violin recital.

A Homemade Christmas

In the spirit of a homemade Christmas I have been working on my gifts as often as possible. Gosh I hope to be able to get them all done before the holidays. Otherwise I will have to give out nice IOU's to everyone. I had a very hard time trying to think of a good gift to give my sisters without spending a ton of money. This year everyone is so strapped for cash.

Last year I loved what I got my sisters. I spent hours scanning old pictures from my childhood so that I could burn them onto a CD. I think some of my sisters loved the gift and others were maybe a touch disappointed. My hope has been to try and put the emphasis onto a gift that is meaningful but not overly expensive but that is creative. This year I have decided to crochet utility bags for stuff like groceries or trips to other stores.

Reflections: Part Two

When Gerard and I first discussed not having biological children the discussion it was Summer of 2005. I remember the discussion like it was yesterday. We were sitting at the Wendy's (where I cook may meals, Ha Ha). I was telling how much I wanted to be a Mother. I outlined all the experiences we could provide our children and how much we would gain by sharing our lives with a child.

He looked at me and plainly stated that I should get use to the idea of being childless. Domestic adoption was never a consideration. I have been scared by having to sit back and watch many domestic adoptions crumbable in front of my eyes. Gerard and I are not cut out for an open adoption.

I was crushed. I teared up tight there at the Wendy's. The next day I told him being childless was not an option. I would anything to be a Mother. We had just finished building my dream home, a two stories house with a big master bedroom and bath. The kitchen was big, deck, large basement the whole house was about 3000 square feet on a very large lot in a beautiful neighborhood. So I sold the house downsized to a much smaller house almost 1400 square feet that was inhabited by drug dealers.

I worked hard to clean, change and make amends to the neighbors for the actions of the previous owners. The house was so bad we could not live in it for about 4 months. More then once the FBI, State police and boundy hunters have showed up at my door looking for the previous owners. Yes one time Gerard answered the door to a S.W.A.T. team with the guns drawn.

This week when I sat him down to tell him that I think we should hold off the adoption he looked crushed and was in denial. The next day he sat me down and told me that being childless was not an option. He listed all the experiences that we could provide for a child. A child that is waiting for me to jump on a plan and pick him or her up.

My plan is to stay the course. I know all of you who know me and who have read this blog probably knew it before I did. This wait is nothing compared to the wait to sell a home, the wait to fix a house into a home, the wait to gather the money, the wait to convince Gerard it was okay to adopt, the wait for the homestudy, the wait for the I-171, the wait to have the dossier translated and so on.

I am going to embrace the wait because not only is there a reason for the wait but yes something positive will come out of this wait for me. I have read and re-read many blogs in the past couple of days. This one post is has really touched my heart in a way that I have not felt in the last couple of weeks. Please keep this family in your thoughts and prayers. Here is their Gotcha Day post that has touched my heart Holm Sweet Home

Guess Who is 40?

Today is Gerard's 40th birthday!! I remember when he turned 30 and everyone told him it was down hill and his waste would expand. Well the verdict is in he STILL has a size 32 waist and STILL has not gained a pound.

Reflections: Part One

The past couple of days in an attempt to not think about the adoption I have done nothing but think about the adoption. Funny how the mind works. Sunday I told Gerard about my possibility of me changing my mind about our adoption journey. His response was interesting, he looked crushed. Then he just continued on talking about when the baby comes home. One word for his reaction is denial.

So the past couple of days I have been re-reading some of my earlier posts and that is when I realized that I never wrote about how I came to think that adoption was the path to Motherhood for me. Some know my story and most do not because this is a public blog I will leave some parts of the story out. Gerard and I have never become pregnant not for lack of trying. This year marks 18 years of us being together.

I am fearful of becoming pregnant. About 11 years ago I switched to the maternity area of nursing partly to combat my fear of pregnancy and childbirth. You know face your fears, well I have faced them and I am even more fearful then ever. When you work in the area where I work the one thing that is suppose to comfort you is that you will deliver with the people that you know the best. I know that the women who I work with are confident, smart and cautious but I had always made the decision that I would never deliver where I work because if something were to happen I would never be able to return back to work.

When I am working I am less emotional about the "what ifs" because I go into a survival mode when I must care for a child especially during stressful deliveries. Jaime Lynn if you are reading this have no fear you know Aunt Joy will take good care of you and your little lemon. Interestingly enough it makes me truly crazy when my friends and family members do not deliver where I work because I know that my friends will not only go the extra mile but would probably watch the new baby even more closely then I would.

This is why I thought adoption was a viable solution. For me infertility procedures were never in my thoughts. God bless any woman who can put herself out there to go through those treatments. I know because when these women do delivery they are usually beyond frantic and crazy over every detail because of all the pain, sadness and fear that they had to experience to get to the point of delivering a child. I never wanted to be that person.

I wanted to enjoy every detail of becoming a mother. I wanted to remember every feeling and emotion. I wanted the fairly tale. I guess the wait has gotten in the way of my perfect vision, oh what reality can do to a dream.

Here is My New Machina!! **Edited to Add Picture**

Here is my new Machina!! After test driving many different cars I came right back to the one I loved the best. I bought the 2009 Ford Escape Limited. This car has everything in it. I feel comfortable driving it and the features that I wanted the most are all there. Yes I got the leather-heated seats. I think that is the the best feature of the whole car. I figured out that I love leather in a car because of the easy clean up but those heated seats are to die for!

I went with the 2009 over a leftover or used car because Ford made a number of changes to the engine and the transmission. The one I got is the 2.5 I4 engine with the 6-speed transmission. These changes increase the gas mileage up 28 mpg. Much better then what I was getting with my old car (19 mpg).

I got a pretty good deal considering all the features this car has in it. I'm lucky I do not have a problem with getting credit. There was a small look of surprise on the salesman's face when I pulled out my deposit. My first payment is on January 19, 2008 so I hope that I still of the car that day.

As for me my jaw still bothers me a bit. Now my back is also a bit tender I hope that these pains go away soon. I hate to go to the doctors so if I can stick it out until I feel better that is my plan.

Adoption update: My paperwork expires in January 2009. My plan for right now is no plan. I have decided that I will not be completing any new paperwork until January 2009. That is when I will make my decisions whether it is changing agencies or to not adopt at all. I guess I just need time to reflect on what I want.

Some Negative and Some Positive News

I think the agency talk went well even though the answers that I got were not what I wanted to hear. No referral is expected until February 2009! Of course this is not want I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear my coordinator say something like "I was just looking for your number" or "I hope your near a computer so that you can look at this information about your referral" I cried when she told me not to expect to hear anything soon. This marks the third time I have cried about this adoption.

I find it interesting that each time I speak to my coordinator she does not seem to get that I was quoted time frames that were much shorter. I think that I was finally able to get her to understand so hopefully she will be more consistent and compassionate when we talk.

I have a need to look for something positive in some of the worst situations. I know that I must wait until my child is ready to find me and this is hard. I am sure that once the match is made I would never have wanted things to be different but just getting to that point is a challenge. I just wish I understood why I have been chosen to wait? I know that it is not for me to understand and that the reason will be revealed to me one day. I really do not want this to sound like I am whining about "my turn" but I guess it does. I know that there are much worst things that could occur besides waiting.

Monday night I was in a pretty negative state of mind about the whole adoption. I started to think that maybe I am trying to force myself down a road that I am not suppose to travel down. I started to second guess my choice of agencies. How could I pick 2 duds in a row?? When you switch from one agency to another you are suppose to get the better agency the second time around. Am I not reading the signs or following the path that is planned for me? I was seriously considering putting everything on hold. I know that is hard to say, think or believe that I even want to not become a mother but I really am considering this.

I look around and think I have a great life. I have worries don't get me wrong but many of my worries are so inconsequential in the big picture of life. At first I thought that my referral was not coming because I was needed here in New Jersey and maybe that was the case.

Today I feel a like bit better about the situation. Unfortunately changing agencies which would be my first choice is out of the question because of the financial hit that I would take by changing agencies. My entire dossier is due to be updated on January 11, 2009. I will be busy getting much of this together in the next couple of weeks.

So here is my lame attempt to find as many positive things as I can about waiting:

1. If I get the referral in February I will be able to experience Russia is the dead middle of winter. This may not sound positive but I like the adventure of it.
2. My second trip will be closer to spring or early summer so hopefully Russia will be less cold when I have a child in tow.
3. I will be on maternity leave during the best time of the year for New Jersey the summer!! (That thought is one that is keeping me positive)
4. I will have a boat load of vacation time saved.
5. By far this is the most POSITIVE thing that I have learned about this whole process and wait. New Jersey has passed legislation that will entitle me to PAID leave from the state of New Jersey for 6 weeks of my 12 weeks of family leave as of July 1, 2009!!!!! That means that I will not have to use all my vacation time for family leave.

So my new quest is find out as much information as I can about the paid Family Leave for New Jersey. I do know that adoption does qualify me. I will just need to understand the time frame better.

So as for today my main focus is to try and find a car. I am toying around with a couple of different models and options still. I plan on test driving every car that was mentioned in my previous post.

To date I have test drove:
Jeep Patriot
Jeep Liberty
Jeep Grand Cherokee
Jeep Commander (Honestly I just love this name)
Jeep Compass
Nissan Murano
Ford Escape
Ford Freestyle
Mazda 5
Honda Pilot
Chrysler Pacifica

But think I may surprise everyone and buy a 2 seat convertible. You all know what will happen I will get "the call" before I leave the dealership but after I have signed all the paper work.

9 Months Along

This weekend marked my ninth month of being paperwork pregnant or 40 weeks if you measure the time according to the estimated date of confinement (EDC) wheel that I use at work to determine if a baby is full term or not. I am doing pretty good with the wait but I do have a few questions that I think I will have to ask of my agency today.

One thing that I have always thought was really neat was when other adoptive parents do a one year look back on special days. What if today is my baby's actual first birthday?? Here I am writing about something silly.

Well I did buy one thing this morning, a book. A real book not one on CD. I love books on CD because I love to listen to them in my car. Since I still do not have a car I guess I will have to resort to actually reading this book. The book that I bought is call Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control.

I have read where others on FRUA have thought that this book was extremely helpful to me as they learn to parent their children. I hope to be as prepared as I can be so I think this is a step in the right direction.

Bye for now off to make a few phone calls that I have been avoiding. As far as for buying a car. I got my check and I know this sounds crazy but I still have not decided on the big decisions like what type, how much and so on. I know I do not want a black car and that I do want leather seats so I guess that is a start. Ever since the accident I have been experiencing flashbacks of the accident. This is weird for me because I drive EVERYWHERE and never thought about it before. I know this will pass.

An Unexpected Dinner Guest

This past Thanksgiving I had so many hopes and dreams none of those dreams came true but there was an unexpected addition to our Thanksgiving table. To anyone who was at the past Thanksgiving when we had the fire NO it was not a fireman! I am sure that many of you must know the main dream that I had hoped for this Thanksgiving and that was having a baby to step around while making dinner. Or maybe the addition of Adrienne, Jim, Owen and Lily at our home for Thanksgiving that in my mind would have made my day wonderful as well.

Instead this year I planned a very quite Thanksgiving dinner with Gerard's Parents, My Mom, Anne-Marie, Gerard and myself. At the last minute my sister Joannie called and said she wanted to come to dinner too. So there we go an even 7 people for dinner. Usually I have a house full numbering about 20 or 30 people so I got a small 18 pound bird this year.

I got a call from my sister Joannie at 7:30 am (She works the night shift too in the casino) asking if she could bring someone to dinner. I said of course. Well out went my plans for using the paper napkins and out came the linen ones that I got in the south of France years ago. Thank goodness I have enough dinnerware to seat 150 people. Back to the reason for this post and why I am thankful.

My dinner guest was a young man who is a professional gambler. He has been on the World Series of Poker but not a winner as of yet. I have been assured that he will win it one day. Apparently, he had overheard my sister talking about turkey and having dinner with us. He told her that he had NEVER eaten a Thanksgiving dinner! He did not really understand the whole concept until last night. This young man was originally from the Ukraine and moved here when he was about 12 years old. His family is not close and honestly I thought it was a bit sad that he was willing to spend the day with strangers.

Having dinner with him made me realize how lucky I am to have my weird, crazy family always around me. They drive me nuts and call with problems all day long but I love them. I am lucky that I have the life that I have even though somethings have hurt me on a very large scale. I have a family who is supportive and most of the time a soft, safe place to land when I am hit with hard times. This young man does not. When he left he told me he was overwhelmed with our home and how warm we were to him a perfect stranger.

So even though the day was not what I dreamt it would be or thought it should be with the people who I expected and wanted to be there it turned out that the people who needed to be there were there. I hope and pray that Adrienne was surrounded by her loved ones. I know that she was surrounded by prayer. Hopefully, My baby is being stuffed with turkey too, at least let me dream that for now.

Here is the Turkey!


Me, Mom & Joannie


Joannie & I


I can not even believe that Gerard let me get a picture of him with his parents. Maybe one day he will let me post one of him. I promise I have not made him up! I hope everyone had a GREAT Thanksgiving!

One Dalmation or Two??

My new neighborhood is filled with a bunch of really nice neighbors. Compared to our last neighborhood we love this one. In our last neighborhood I felt like we were watched like hawks. My neighbors would tell me all about where Gerard was that day before he even got home. So this neighborhood is less pressure for me and everyone seems helpful.

This brings us to the other day and Dottie my Dalmatian. She is follows me everywhere and I am very comfortable with her not being on a leash because she is that disciplined with her commands. There have been times when she has followed me out side and I have shut the door only to hear her bark about 10 minutes later and sitting on the doorstep. So now the mood for this story is set for you.

Here I am in my house minding my own business and all of a sudden Dottie starts going crazy. I mean really barking and that is very unusual because I instituted a no barking, no licking and no scratching rule as a puppy that she happily follows. Here I am thinking she must really need to go out side. I walk to the back door and to my surprise I find another Dalmatian staring back at me. My neighbor was so kind because she thought this was Dottie. She caught this dog and put her back in the yard. It took me about an hour to figure out what happened and where the dog belonged.

I'm in Quite a Pickle!

So now that my car has been officially totalled I am in a bit of a pickle. I loved the car that I had. I had purchased a Ford Escape used that had everything for not that much money a couple of years ago. I had it almost paid off. I dreamt of having no payment and a secure car to drive my new little one around in but that was my plan not God's plan.

So I did rent a car but now it is time to return it because we are settling the claim this week. So I am car payment free (yeah) but also car free (boo). This accident hit me (no pun intended) out of the blue. I loved my car and really was not thinking about what kind to buy next. Did I mention that I really do not like to buy cars!!

My sister offered to let me drive her extra car. Thank goodness for extra cars until I find one that I really like. I spent the weekend test driving a couple of different cars and I am still so undecided. Not to mention the poor car salesmen are so eager for me to buy anything because I know I will actually qualify for a loan if needed.

Here are my requirements:

*Must seat at least 5 comfortably
*Handle well because I drive pretty far to work (about 30 miles one way) on a highway that EVERYONE speeds on
*Must get at least 20 miles to the gallon of gas
*Must have leather (because I am now spoiled)
*Must have a moon roof (again because I am spoiled)
*Must have All wheel drive or 4x4 (because I hate to be stuck at the hospital in snow storms)

Did I mention that I am frugal so I would like all of this for the least amount of money possible. Tell me what you drive and why you love or hate it. Or tell me what your dream car is! I am very perplexed.

**I have to say I am considering the Mazda 5 after having rented it for the past week or so. I never would have just picked this one out on my own because it does look like a little mini-van even though it is a crossover. My niece laughed and said a crossover to Motherhood!

Prayers, Thoughts and Suggestions: Please include Anniemac in your Thoughts and Prayers

Please continue to pray for Adrienne, Jim and Owen during this sad time. The current situation is unchanged and baby Lily is being cared for by her birth mother and extended family. Please continue to pray for the birth family also during this time of need. I am very sad for Adrienne and Jim. I feel very responsible for their pain even though Adrienne has assured me that she does not feel this way at all. I have spent the past couple days praying for guidance and trying to find the positive aspects of this situation.

As some have noted I am in a difficult situation because I know and care for both families. I must face the reality of this situation and continue to pray for the child's well being and all the others who are involved. KT if you are reading this right now I do not blame you. I understand the position you have been put into I am just grieving the choice that has been made. I see where I could one day be in Adrienne and Jim's shoes and I am feeling the pain as if it were me in stead of them. I wish it was me instead of them.

Here are some of my thoughts on Adrienne and Jim and how they handled this situation. We could all learn much from their devotion to God and concern that they have shown for the birth family. During Adrienne's painful time their concern NEVER wavered for Lily or the birth family. She put their well-being above her own pain each time and every time we spoke of this situation.

Anniemac this part is for you! This blog and I am guessing many blogs that bloggers keep have a purpose. For myself this blog is a way to connect with others, educate, journal and share my life experiences, for right now my focus is my adoption but as anyone who has read this blog in the past could tell you there are many other sub-subjects.

I find your comments to Adrienne's situation in very poor taste. I am not "sorry" for this statement and if you are "offended" then you have read the tone of this statement correctly. You have used Adrienne's and my blog as a platform for your personal negative experiences with adoption. These are MY thoughts and not Adrienne's. She is too gracious, loving and Christian to do anything but pray for you! I would not typically respond to a person who comments on my blog in the form of a post but you have not given me any other means (No personal email address or blog) to contact you.

I have a few thoughts and suggestions for you.

1. Start a blog of your own, you may find that writing out your thoughts and feeling are beneficial. You could use your blog to as a place for birth parents to express their thoughts and feeling about their relationship or lack of relationship with their children. In this blog you could talk about your losses and I pray that no one will be as judgemental as you have been towards Adrienne and the many people who have prayed over this situation.

2. You could journal about your feelings about the child you placed. This could be benifical to her later in life to help explain the reasons why she was placed for adoption. Perhaps your relationship when she is older will be stronger because of your blog.

3. You seem to have many unresolved feelings about your personal adoption plan. I feel for you because from what you write it seems that you may not be as comfortable with you adoption plan and level of openness as you say you are.

4. As a birth mother you are a very important to your child. I do not believe there is an adoptive mother in the world who does not believe that the birth mother is important. I also believe that many adoptive mothers try their best to pertray the birth parents in the most positive manner possible because to do otherwise would be to hurt the very child we love the most. You loved her enough to care for her every need for the entire time that you carried her in your womb. I believe that even before your adoption plan was developed the woman who is your child's Mother also prayed for you then and even now whether you know it or not. When an adoption fails to occur this is a real loss for the adoptive parents and they do and should grieve!! Have you ever thought past your own feelings once think about the adoptive mother's feelings, fears and concerns??

5. The point that I think you have missed during this entire situation and I believe your own personal adoption is children are not property. They are placed on this earth for us to love and nurture sometimes with the birth family and sometimes with the adoptive family. We do not own them, not the birth mother nor the adoptive mother.

I know that there may be other birth mothers out there who read this blog and who have personally contacted me with their situations. This post is not meant to hurt you. I think that most adoptive parents would agree with me when I say the birth mother and birth father are never far from our thoughts. I would also like to say that your placement of a child IS a gift and I have never met an adoptive family who thinks any other way. We are thankful for that gift every time we think or even look at our child.

Adoptive mothers are no different then a birth mothers.

1. We worry if our children have had enough to eat.

2. We worry if our children are in a safe environment.

3. We worry if our children are getting enough love and attention.

4. We worry that we are making all the best decisions for our children daily.

As a Christian I am now asking that everyone who has read this post to PLEASE include Anniemac in your prayers. She deserves peace, love and guidance to help her resolve her unresolved feelings. Also please encourage her to start a blog. I would love to read what she is feeling from a birth parents perspective because this could only help me when my adopted child has questions

Your Prayers Are Appreciated

I spent last night with Adrienne, Jim and Owen. I can tell you that they appreciate all of the prayers that are being said for the birth family as well as for them. So many of these comments are so positive and heart felt. Many of her followers have shared their personal stories as either a birth parent or an adoptive parent. Please continue to pray for the most important person in this situation, the little tiny baby.

Praying for Clarity

Tonight there have been many tears shed by all who love this one lucky little girl. Please know that your thoughts and prayers for Adrienne and Jim have been cherished throughout the day.

I am asking that you please pray for all of the members of the birth family as well as Adrienne, Jim and Owen. Even though this time seems to be a difficult time for everyone something positive will come from all the hurt that each party is feeling.

Wow Was This a Day to Remember!!

As I write this post the most beautiful baby in the world is in Adrienne's arms. I did tell her that occasionally Jim should get a turn to hold her too! Owen was very excited to see the little tiny baby.

Everyone is doing well. The mood is light and peace is in the air. I know Adrienne is going to have a really hard time picking just one pick to post of the little tiny baby. I do not want to give away all the good information but one thing I will say is she will need many bows for all that hair.

Thank you everyone for your prayers. Amazingly I am in no pain at all. I have never heard of a person not being in pain after a car accident like mine. I guess this is just another ordinary miracle!

My Surprise is Revealed!! ***Edited to include Pictures

I feel so blessed in many ways. As some of you may know if you have been reading my blog for the past couple of months I was given the opportunity to adopt a child who was due in November of this year. After much soul searching I made the decision to not parent this child because I cherish my relationship with my friend and I feared that in some way the relationship would change.

The reason I feel so blessed is because I had the opportunity to help this strong intelligent young woman and her mother to find a family who I know was the best match for her and her baby. Can anyone guess who this family is???? Well lets see I live in New Jersey!!! Becky you were right.

This special adoption is one reason why I believe in my heart that my adoption plan has not been relieved to me up until now. I can not express in words how grateful I am to have been a small part of this adoption. Please pray for Adrienne, Jim and Owen as they near the day they will gain a new member into their tight knit little family. God works in mysterious ways!



I believe that anyone who has met Adrienne, Jim and Owen would a agree with me that Owen in in LOVE with them and very attached. Owen is like butter you just want to pick him up kiss is whole face and you could never get enough. Adrienne is perky and sweet and just everything that you would think she is from her blog. Jim is really funny. You can just tell that he has a great sense of humor.

I had such big plans of posting the picture of the four of us from dinner last night but (and this was a pretty BIG but) I forgot my camera in the car. Yes the same car that was totaled last night on my way to work after dinner. I was hit by a drunk driver from behind. So once again I feel very blessed. I was the sandwiched between 2 cars. Unfortunately, the impact of him hitting me sent me straight into the car in front of me.

When I say God works in mysterious ways I know this is true. My friends think I at work think I am a bit crazy because I am not mad at the person who hit me and least not yet but instead I feel grateful that he did not hit the people in front of me who were elderly because it would have sent them straight into the intersection that was very busy.

I spent most of the night in the ER but I only have bumps and bruises. I am lucky because most people who are hit by a drunk driver do not walk way so easily. Please pray that this drunk driver (I know this sound weird) hears the wake up call and gets some help.

On the funnier side and how I know he was drunk is after he hit me this is the conversation that we had.

Drunk driver: "You okay. Sorry I tapped you bumper."

He "tapped" me so hard that the seat I was sitting in is broken even though he hit me from behind!!

Family Truckster

What a Week This Will Be!!!

I have to say this week is going to be very exciting for me! I would love to say it is because I have gotten a referral but no that is not the reason. After 16 months I will get to meet my first blogger friend in person. Okay does that mean I have no life because I am so excited...well maybe but I think many of you who do read this blog will also find my week exciting too.

All I will say today is this week will surprise many of you for many reasons. I know that you are all tired of hearing about how starting this blog has impacted my life but do not stop reading here. I have "met" so many interesting people. I have learned so much on about adoption but more importantly about myself. I do believe that God works in mysterious ways. I remember thinking when I started this blog that I bet it will fall by the wayside before the New Year. I am glad that it never did.

Do not get me wrong I know much of what I write about is not really all that interesting. Especially for those who are in the very active phases of adoption. I remember thinking wow this is so exciting to read about what I may one day experience.

I believe that each of us has the ability to positively impact each other's lives. I think that sometimes we all forget how a simple gesture, phone call or email could change the course of each other's journey drastically. This happened to me this past June and then again later in the summer.

I will never forget the phone calls that have brought me to this week. Some calls were really hard to make and receive for all the parties involved. I pondered over how to word one email in particular so that I would not hurt this woman but that would accurately describe the situation. I am so glad that I did hit the send button. It took me 3 hours to write that short 4-5 sentence email. My intention is never to hurt someone but that can be a difficult task when so many emotions are involved.

Some phone calls left me feeling so excited that I would have trouble sleeping at just to possibility of what may occur. I know that this week I will be torn by many different feelings some sad and some that are extremely happy. So stay tuned for more.

A Surprise from Gerard!

The other night when I was feeling so down I did what any good woman would do, I went shopping and Gerard went to the gym. Half way through my trip to Target searching for the best possible deals I got a phone call from Gerard. He was so excited and told me to meet him at Bed, Bath and Beyond because he wanted to buy me something.

Those who know me in person know that I LOVED new sheets for my bed. I also easily have enough fine china to have a party for 150 people. Basically I love BBBY. Instantly I start to think about those gorgous curtains for the dining room that I have been pineing over for 3 months but refuse to buy because I am saving money.

Quickly I check out at Target and rush over to BBBY trying to remember how many curtain panels do I need?? Was it 5 or 6? I rush into the store because I see he is already there and in the store. I go directly to the curtains and no Gerard so I find him by of course the bathroom SCALES!

No that is not a misprint and yes he was very excited!

Gerard: "I know how much you wanted a new scale! So I figured I would surprise you with one!"

Me: ....speechless....

Gerard: "Look this one will tell you how many pounds are fat and how much is water weight!!" (Okay yes he is still excited)

Me:....speechless...

What can I say he is so thoughtful. He proceeds to pull all the scales down to test them out to see which one is the most accurate. Oh don't worry yes he asked me to try them out too! I believe the words were "Jump On!!" (Insert an excited tone)

Now let me set the stage if no one knows I am full girl if you know what I mean. I don't jump on the scale he insisted we buy 15 years ago. But none of this has dampened his excitement over a new bathroom scale. It took him about 50 minutes to narrow down which scale he wanted but I did finally start to help him out. When he stood on the ones that I did not like I put my toe on the back edge without him knowing. God bless him he thinks I am not only thin but beautiful too! I do not want anyone to hate on me or to be jealous over my brand new, fat totalling bathroom scale.

Ladybugs!

First of all I am overwhelmed with the support that my fellow blogger friends have provided me over the past couple of days both as comments on my blog, phones calls and personal emails. You are all very wise to remind me that this journey to 'Make Our House a Home' may not be the easiest one but that the rewards of building a loving home by far will exceed my sadness.

I am coming to terms with my sadness and I hopefully be able to find peace with my decision. Gerard is taking this way harder then I ever imagined. So I have to do what I can to help him through the grief process and to understand the reasons why we are not equipped to care for her. He is so black an white with every decision usually that I am surprised he has been so persistent that we should bring her home. Quite the role reversal.

Many of you may not realize but part of the reason why I started this blog was to document my journey but the second was because in the beginning I did not feel fully supported by my family. I think it has taken some family members time to think about how they will be impacted and others needed to learn to deal with their grief that they were feeling about us not starting this family in the more traditional manner. We never considered infertility treatment because Gerard and I never felt that we could emotionally cope with the grief of not becoming pregnant.

There has been a learning curve that each has had to deal with in respect to what comments could be hurtful to me or my new child. Luckily we have worked on this and I have not had to hurt anyone in the process. My next big topic of education for them will be attachment yeah for me. I am a big ogre.

I have been told that ladybugs are a sign of luck and good fortune. In the past 2 days 2 different ladybugs have come into my life. The first one attacked me in the car while I was driving and I was lucky I did not crash the car. The other one just follows me around all the time. I feel very blessed.

Praying for a Little One-Way Too Long and Too Sad

This week has been filled with both extreme excitement and extreme sadness for me. On some level I have been very detached from this whole adoption experience I think for many reasons. The first obvious reason is being detached has helped me to stay sane during the wait. I am surrounded by new Mothers and Fathers just about everyday. I am expected to be happy for them and I am happy. But if I were to let my adoption consume my life in a negative way and look at it as why me nothing good will come out of those feelings.

When a person is pregnant or adopting your imagination tends to build up what your child will be like. What color hair, eyes every feature of their little faces. I consider myself very fortunate that I am able to share these small moments with so many new families because I know one day it will be my time too! Inevitably we start to talk about whether or not the baby looks like you thought she would look. The answer is always no she is more beautiful them I ever could imagine she could be.

As a nursery nurse not only am I able to sometimes pick out features or symptoms that parent may think are cute or endearing but from my perspective that same feature is a big red flag or concern that I have for that baby. That is my job. We have books as big as a Webster dictionary that are full of pictures, features and conditions that most can not stomach to look at. It is my job to be familiar and to look at this book often.

Which brings me to the source of my excitement and extreme sadness. During this process I never considered even considering a special needs child. I know my limitations. Many have said that I would be a perfect candidate for a special needs child because I am a nurse and I understand what is involved with caring for this type of child. So the sadness is that this past week I considered a special needs child. She took my breath away. I could see her little hands in mine and I let myself get excited. Her eyes, her little kisser, the big goofy bow in her blond hair. The sad little look on her face. I fell asleep thinking that I could do this she could be my daughter.

But after looking at her medical information and consulting 3 different physicians about her condition, extensive research in every text book I could get my hands on, searching and reading many different research articles. I have decided that I can not take this child into my family as my daughter.

The pain that I am feeling is so overwhelming! I have not stopped crying for about 2 days now. I am hurting more then I ever expected I would hurt. I feel blindsided by my grief. Please if you think I am being selfish you can not say anything worst then what I am already telling myself about my character or my faith in God so do not even bother to post a comment. I feel like a terrible person.

Her condition at best means that she will probably not live longer then about 5 years old. She will die and probably a death that I know will be painful and sad and without a Mother's love. I have prayed for guidance and her well being. I keep coming back to the feeling that I want to be a Mommy not a nurse to another child who is going to die. I have great repsect and love for those who are able to take on a special needs child. I am not that strong.

Part of me wishes that I never saw her picture because I would not be feeling this pain. The other part of me is second guessing my decision as a sign or God's will and that I should aggressively pursue adopting her. I know the pain of losing a child and that almost destroyed me once.

I Feel Very Lucky That I Can Vote!

I am old enough to remember watching the election with my Father when Ronald Regan was running for his first term as the United States President. I was in aw watching the pomp and circumstance that I saw with the rallies for both the Democrats and the Republicans. Being the typical Dad's girl that I was then I stood right next to my Father and asked him questions about why this one was better then that one.

My Father had a ton of patience and was not usually a rash speaker. He had a significant stuttering problem that as a child at times made me feel both embarrassed and sorry for him. As an adult I understand now what a gift his stuttering was because he told me that he would think long and hard about what he would say. He was wise because many just speak without thinking.

I am a first generation American in terms of my Father's family because he was born in Denmark. As a child you do not really understand how important it is that we live in a country that is free. We are free to vote and be an active part of how our country is run. My Father taught me that to ability to vote was one that I should not ignore. In his whole adult life he told me that he never had the privilege to vote because he was not a citizen of the United States.

These memories came flooding back to me this morning as I casted my ballot for hopefully the next President of the United States of America.

Trick Or Treat!!

Yesterday I had so much fun! I was suppose to work Thursday into Friday but since not that many babies were born I was put on call. Which by the way I love with the exception is I usually wake up a couple of times through the night to check in. The checking in is not required but more of an anxiety thing that I think I have slept through a phone call.

So I got a great nights sleep and decided to drive to my sister's house to see my nephews Aristotle (5) and Sloan (11 months) for Halloween. Jackie my sister is a room Mother and was helping out with the party and parade. Aristotle's face was so sweet when he realized that I came over for the day to see him. I think he is still in the adjustment phase of having a little brother.

I took lots of pictures of him at school and the class. I think I am even going to try to put together a DVD for the teacher. Wish me luck. Then it was on to trick or treating with my BIL and Aristotle.

Ever since we moved to this house we get way less kiddos for trick or treat. Gerard and Dottie were at home to hand out the candy. In my other houses I would keep track of the number of children and we usually had about 150 to 180. Halloween used to cost me way more money. I am one of those take a big handful types. Honestly, How big is a 5 or 6 year-old's hand!!

In this house we only get about 40 children maybe its the graveyard across the street? When we moved in here we liked the fact that there were only a few houses on the block. My niece Joy laugh and told us we have thousands of neighbors but they are all really quiet.

I'm I Awful If I Think Like This??

Yesterday I spent the day cleaning. I mean real cleaning not just the standard straightening up. I used to have someone come to do the deep cleaning but once I started to save for the adoption this was an area where I was able to cut cost.

When I came home this morning every glass was clean. Not one piece of laundry was dirty!! Beds made. All rooms vacuumed.

So here is were my guilt comes in. Gerard left for work before me. So the house was just how left it. I really love that. I know that soon I will never have that again in my life but I really LOVED that feeling this morning!

Paper Work Sent & Prayers Needed

I just got back from the post office. The documents that I had re-done are safely on their way to my cordinator in Michigan. I have to say I do think that I am pretty organized with the whole documents thing. The funny thing however is that I had put the binder that I keep all the documents on a self. This weekend I plan on going through it and re-organizing it so that I know where everything is placed.

Here is a question for those of you who have already done it. Do you take a complete copy of your dossier with you when you go??

Okay here is my prayer request. My nephew who is 22 is having a hard time. He has been back from Iraq for almost 2 years. During his second tour in Iraq he was injuried and has a head injury. I feel very blessed because his injury is one that I feel he can over come with the right support from the government, friend and his family. So if you could please include him in your prayers I would appreciated it.

Today is Truly a Wonderful Day!

Okay I just woke up. Yes it is almost dinner time for most of you but I am just starting my day. Last week I sent off some documents to Trenton, NJ for for the apostilles on the documents to update my dossier. Not until I got home from the Post Office did I realize that I forgot to get the infamous tracking ticket.

Honestly it never even crossed my mind. So here was the dilemma all of my precious documents sent in the mail with no record. For those of you who have been following for a long time you might remember when I sent the I-600 form into the US government and I LOST the tracking receipt. Wow was I worried then. Okay back to now.

I was not worried this time. This feeling is hard to explain. I was so not worried that I did not even think to mention it until today. I had sent a check in with the documents so I thought I will just keep checking the bank to see if they cashed the check. That is as good as a tracking ticket right! Well maybe not! So of course the first thing I did this morning I mean this afternoon is to check to see if the State of NJ cashed my check. I thought is was a long shot that they would have already cashed the check but a girl can dream, right.

So you think that I am going to say that they cashed the check well the answer is NO!
So I walked to the mailbox reluctantly only to see if there are any good sale fliers and what did I find WELL THIS!



HERE ARE THE DOCUMENTS! YES WITH THE APOSTILLES!

I think I can explain how this happened. I trusted in God to take care of everything and he did!

New Friends

Honestly, I really did not know if any one really reads this blog much. I have to say in the past couple of days I have been blessed with some comments from a few readers who have never commented before and I love it! I have gained so much knowledge and strength from those who are either in the process or have completed their adoptions.

Even though I have a supportive family I think that it is just easier to talk to others who are waiting or have waited. There are so many considerations that I must take into account because my experience of becoming a Mother is in many ways very different then anyone in my family has ever experienced. I know some family members are a bit afraid to ask how everything is going and still many do not understand why I have to wait at all. I find myself defending the process and I can say that sometimes I have less patience then I would ultimately like to have. As I have said in previous posts even I did not know how involved this would be for me.

I have the feeling that I will get a call closer to the holidays and I am really okay with that time frame. This week has been very productive for me. I am about 99% done with a gift that I started about a month ago. I have a feeling that it will be done just in time.



I have also finished a small crochet blanket that I started about 2 years ago. My problem is that I start a project and then I get busy and put it away. I am not sure if this will be a gift or if I will keep it for myself. I have that need to stay busy. My mind is better when my hands are busy. Who knew school was such a blessing.



I have also started to compile a list of adoptive parents who I have gotten in contact with so once I do get the call I can email everyone with the news. If you want to be on this list please shoot me an email and I will add you.

This week my agency was due to be audited by Russia. I hope and pray that this audit has went well. I know that there is always the off chance the adoption climate can change at a moments notice. I will keep you all updated as to how my agency has fared.

Dry Run or "There are Mice Dancing on my bed!!"

Because I work the night shift my Mother has volunteered to be the token adult at home when I work. Finding someone to be in the house when you work the night shift is actually more difficult then you would think. My Mother and I have talked it over many times about how it would be for her to stay over night at my house and how it will affect her life.

Well the opportunity has presented itself to us for a dry run hence the title of this post. My Mother called me about 2 weeks ago half crying half yelling and this is what she said

Mother "There are mice dancing on my bed!!!
Me (Half a sleep) What?
Mother " They are dancing on my bed!!! They are trying to attack me!!

Okay so the truth is she saw a mouse. She did not see any actual dancing. So now she refuses to go home. Honestly I could care less if she decided to just move in but I would never want to take away her Independence plus I think she really likes her house. I consider us very lucky because our exterminator called me back within 5 minutes of me leaving a message and was at her house with in 15 minutes looking for those dancing mice.

My be she will be home by Thanksgiving?? I think she does not want to leave because she knows that I plan on not telling anyone (except my loyal readers) about the referral and trip until I am just about ready to leave. I like to surprise people.

Paper Work Updates-DONE!

This time last year I was just starting the paper work for my home study. I remember being so nervous that I would somehow fail or not be approved for adoption. I think that it is pretty normal to be concerned about the process. Over the last couple of months I have learned that many of the steps that I must take are only to ensure that I am equipped to care for a child.

I consider myself very lucky because my home study update is completed with a notarized letter from my agency. May I say this was done with almost no stress. Friday I took a drive to Trenton for a couple of new birth certificates. 29.00 dollars and 35 minutes later I had 5 new birth certificates in my hands. Oddly enough I only had one other document that needed to be redone which was the copy of my passport. Come Monday morning I will have that notarized and then put into an envelope to be apostilled.

I feel like I am getting things done. I love that feeling. I know that I have a couple more documents that are coming up for renewal in January. Because of my current time line I believe that most of my dossier will expire so I plan on working on having everything filled out and just waiting to be signed, notarized and apostilled. I like being ahead of the game.

1st Annual Pick a Pumpkin to Amuse Joy Event

Usually by this time in October the weather is cool and crisp. Well that is every other year except this one. Today it felt like 80 degrees in the sun while hunting for the perfect pumpkins with my friends. Lynn and I have been thinking up different fun filled events to help to pass the time. Her son and grandsons have been great sports. I was even able to convince Geralyn to go on the hayride and bring her Mother, son and nieces.

The funny thing is this was the first time that Geralyn's Mother was went on a hayride and I think she really liked it. The kids were so funny picking pumpkins. I think it is truly amazing just how different each pumpkin can be. Here are a couple of pictures from the day.


Tyler and Zachary


Prized Pumpkins


My Favorite Little Pumpkin

Slip on Shoes vs Tie Up Shoes

The running joke in my house is that I can not tie my own shoes. The truth is I do know how to tie them but when I wear shoes that tie which is almost never Gerard ties them because he got tired of seeing me have to re-tie them about every fifteen minutes. Thank goodness for slip on shoes.

So the other day I was at my sister's house with my 5 year old nephew Aristotle and we were talking about when the baby comes I was not going to be allowed to show him how to tie his shoes. This is going to be Gerard's job.

So a couple minutes later of course Aristotle needed his shoes to be put on and tied. He brings them over to me and says "Just try, you know you have to practice tying shoes." So I put on his shoes and tied them up even tied a fancy double knot. He looks down and says "See Aunt Joy I just knew you could do it. We should call Uncle Gerard and tell him!"

The funny thing is after about 10 minutes of playing I see his father re-tying his shoes because they became untied. I guess you can not be good at everything.

15 Months-Thoughts and Reflections

Wow 15 months have past since I started the adoption process. I remember thinking when I started I just think I will die if I have to wait 15 months. The verdict is nope have not die yet! But I have changed and I think mostly in positive ways.

I think I have more patience then I did before I started this journey. Honestly I thought the adoption process would be easy. You know just fill out some paperwork, write a check and then take 2 small trips and BAM your done. Your a Mother.

Well I can say that is not the case but I think that the time that I have spent waiting has been a blessing. I have had time to reflect on the type of mother that I want to be. This reflection goes past decorating a room or planning a trip to Disney because although these are important steps that need to be taken they are not the most important things that I must think about.

I have taken the time to think about the values that I would like to instill into my child. I think that some times when pregnancy or becoming a Mother has come easy to an individual then this time to reflect is not just available. Who knows maybe I am wrong but that is my interpretation.

Over the months I have spent more time praying then I have in years. The funny thing is that many of my prayers have not been for me but for others who I think are facing challenges. I have seen others at the breaking point and in so much pain over the wait for a referral, travel trips, lost pregnancies or just the adjustment of coming home and changing roles.

Many people lately have been asking how I am doing because of the wait. Well the answer to this is somewhat complicated. In general I am holding up well. I have always said that I know that this wait is nothing compared to the wait in-between trips. I honestly am more worried about the wait between trips then the wait for a referral. Even though in my mind I know that there is a little guy waiting for me in Russia his or her life has not been affected by my presence. Today is just another day for that little one (hopefully a good day). Even though I do want to become a Mother in the past month I have had a hint of maybe I am not cut out for adoption. Those thoughts at times still poke their ugly heads into my thoughts at times but thankfully it is only rarely.

Back to praying for others. So now my secret is out I have been spending time praying for other adoptions to be completed with the least amount of hurt feelings and challenges. I have one adoption that I have been praying for a couple of times per day. I know both the adoptive family and the birth family. I feel for both families. In my heart I know that everything will work out the way that God has planned it. I am going to ask everyone who reads this blog to please pray for both the birth family and the adoptive family.

I can not express how honored I feel to be a small part of this potential adoption. The feeling is amazing. I believe that I may even get to post a picture of the adoptive family and the new baby to my blog once the baby is born. Finally I will get to be an "honorary family member" on the other side of the window looking into the nursery as opposed to looking out of it and working.

What a Deal!

Okay I have been passing the time at Target. I have been frequenting the clearance racks and I found such cute things. Not to sound crazy but we got our Target so I guess I am still in love with the idea of having one so close by. I found 2 large bottles of Johnson and Johnson baby shampoo for 1.34 usually this sells for 2.79 per bottle. Into the Rubbermaid bin it goes. I love to plan ahead and I hate to run out of things.

Oh the other great purchase is an adorable little bathing suit with a rash guard and matching hat. Guess how much I paid for everything Come on just guess okay you were right 3.73 so I got 2 different ones. Here they are!

Agency Update!

One thing that my agency has started to do for the families who are waiting for a referral or I guess in the process of starting an adoption with them is to provide an update about the program. Yesterday to my surprise I got a program update (Yeah for Me). So if any one from my agency is reading this blog keep up the good work.

Since I am a numbers girl this type of information is very valuable to me. I think it is an occupational hazard for me, I like the facts. Without the facts I can not process things as well. Speculation can drive you crazy and it has been making me nuts to think that my referral could come any day. So I am not expecting to have a referral until after the new year. If the referral comes sooner great but I am resigned to the idea that I will not travel until 2009.

So for all those who are interested here are the facts:

1. Total number of families waiting for court: 18 My fellow blogger friend Jane just got her date yesterday.

2. Total number of waiting families: 70
11 with accepted referrals waiting for first trip
59 waiting for a referral:
boy/girl 16
girl 18
boy 14
2 children (of either gender) 11

3.Number of families not yet registered (initial packet is in St. Petersburg office):

I try to put a positive spin on every thing about this adoption so here is my list of positive things that I am trying to think about while waiting:

1. I really do not want to be separated for Christmas from my little one.

2. If I were able to have my new little guy home for Christmas I think the holiday may be a bit scary for him or her because of all the changes that the baby will already have experienced. In my mind I am sure that it is better that I bring home the little one after the holidays because by the time next Christmas rolls around I pray that the attachment process of my little one will be secure by then.

3. Saving up the PTO. Every 2 weeks my PTO bank accumulates 10.77 hours of PTO. The more PTO that I accumulate the more paid time off I will be able to take once the baby is here. My dream is to work part time for a year and still have a full time paycheck.

4. I will have one more tax return to save before the adoption is complete. Okay I know that it is not a good idea but I usually get a large tax return. My hope is to pay off my car with this years return. This only makes things easier for me once the little one comes home.

5. If my first trip is in February then the second trip will not be until about April or May. Then I would have my maternity leave in the spring/summer months which is a beautiful time to be off. I could not imagine being cooped up in the house for the winter months.

There is always a silver lining to every cloud the trick is looking for it. I am less upset then I was earlier in the month. I am at peace that there are many things that are out of my control and this is one of them.

It Has Been Done--I've Been Tagged!

I feel luck that anyone reads this blog. Let alone that they want to know more about me and my quirks. So here it is everyone.

Here it is 6 random facts about me!

I love to travel. I could be convinced to travel pretty much anywhere at any time. Last week when I was on vacation I had been thinking about where I wanted to go. I was about 2 clicks away from booking a trip to Ireland. I thought about 5 minute too long and decided against the last minute deal. I have traveled to 13 countries in Europe and 10 different states in the US. I amazed myself once when I was in school and I realized that I had traveled to every city that the other students lived in.

My favorite breakfast sandwich: fried egg, cheese, pork roll and grape jelly on a French toast bagel. I have been known to try strange combinations of food. I do laugh when others say that they would not even try some thing once. My 5 year old nephew is very funny because my sister and BIL will let him try anything once. He is also an adventurous eater.

I look at my calendar about 400 times per day. I do not have a fancy calendar actually it is one that is sent to me because I send money to the United Spinal Cord Injury association. If you were to open my calendar there is a pattern of number in it that makes sense to no one but me. The placement of the numbers is in a pattern so I know what they mean. My friends laugh at me at work because the day usually starts with a cold diet Pepsi and the calendar comes out even though my job does not require for me to use it.

In my opinion I have a mathematical mind. The things that I love the most usually include some sort of math. That is why I was not surprised that I love to quilt because there is quite a bit of math involved.

My sister signed me up to be a nurse. I was not sure what I wanted to do after high school. I was not even sure that I wanted to go to college. In high school I was a B-C student but in college it all kicked in and I became an A student with the occasional B. Honestly now I am not sure what I would do if I were not a nurse. I do not know if I was born a nurse or just became a nurse.

I bought my first house when I was 20. When I was a child we moved around a lot. When I was 6 weeks old my family moved to Florida and we lived there until I was in the 4th grade. I have always wanted to move to the south as an adult. I even interviewed for a job in Atlanta, Georgia about 12 years ago. I often think I may have made a mistake by not taking the job. For now I would not consider moving now because it would kill me to be that far from my Mother.

If I tag you, here are the rules!!!
1. Link to the person that tagged you.
2. Post the rules on the blog.
3. Write six random facts about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post.
5. Let each person know they have been tagged.
6. Let the taggers know when your entry is up.

Here you go
1. Patti
2. Jane
3. Kar
4. Teresa
5. Carrie
6. Nancy

What if the baby is a Boy?

I have gotten some grief from some of my friends at work who think I am kidding about putting my baby into a gown for the christening even if the baby is a boy. I have always dreamed of sewing the gown myself and I am sure that I will. I think that this is something that I feel very strongly about because I was not baptized until I was an adult so I do not have the keepsakes from these this special day.

Well Check this out I have found the perfect outfit. It is a short set for a boy that also has a skirt that buttons onto the outfit. So HA I told you all I would find one!! I knew this could be done. I just have a good feeling that I will find the right pattern for this special outfit.