I am coming to terms with my sadness and I hopefully be able to find peace with my decision. Gerard is taking this way harder then I ever imagined. So I have to do what I can to help him through the grief process and to understand the reasons why we are not equipped to care for her. He is so black an white with every decision usually that I am surprised he has been so persistent that we should bring her home. Quite the role reversal.
Many of you may not realize but part of the reason why I started this blog was to document my journey but the second was because in the beginning I did not feel fully supported by my family. I think it has taken some family members time to think about how they will be impacted and others needed to learn to deal with their grief that they were feeling about us not starting this family in the more traditional manner. We never considered infertility treatment because Gerard and I never felt that we could emotionally cope with the grief of not becoming pregnant.
There has been a learning curve that each has had to deal with in respect to what comments could be hurtful to me or my new child. Luckily we have worked on this and I have not had to hurt anyone in the process. My next big topic of education for them will be attachment yeah for me. I am a big ogre.
I have been told that ladybugs are a sign of luck and good fortune. In the past 2 days 2 different ladybugs have come into my life. The first one attacked me in the car while I was driving and I was lucky I did not crash the car. The other one just follows me around all the time. I feel very blessed.
7 comments:
I am going to send you a note, offline, to tell you of some of our hardships. . .some you may know and some you may have guessed. But, know this, I know and understand your grief. It is natural and normal! YOUR child that God has in mind for you has not presented him or her self yet. That's all! It will happen. . .
i am so sorry for your trying time! it is interesting how men react to situations. when my husband i travelled to samara and had our referral taken from us my husband didn't eat or sleep the entire time we were there. it was a role reversal for us too. i had to be strong because he was so devastated! i think men are more softies than they want us to think! give gerard a big hug! you too :) as an fyi...it is so hard to wait for another referral! it seems like it takes forever.
Ahh! The costume is adorable, Joy! Still thinking of you and saying prayers for peace for both you and Gerard as well as praying for that sweet little girl you considered.
Obviously, it's much easier being on the other side of this journey and looking back, but if it helps at all, I'll tell you that all of the tears of sorrow and agony and, well yeah, anger too, will become so much a foreign and distant memory once you've got your little one.
I had a very tough time with our wait and the manner in which our first agency jerked us around. I groused often and ranted even more so. Even after we summoned up the guts to switch agencies (and I'm convinced that God was whispering, "It's about time." when we did finally make that move), there was still some anxious times and frustrations with having to repeat fingerprints and such. And we had some stressful moments in Moscow, which might as well have been the Moon, as unfamiliar a place as it was.
But once you've got your child home and you're treading water to figure out how this whole parenting thing works, those trying days start to fade. And as your little one worms his way deeper and deeper into your heart, you'll probably find that you've forgotten all about the tough times behind you.
So, keep your chin up - it's gonna be worth every tear, every gritted tooth, and every drop of sweat!
...and then you might wonder what the heck you signed up for! :)
Hi Joy,
That is such an adorable picture of Dottie! I never knew that about ladybugs. I am praying for you guys that you both soon feel peace about your decision. I agree that the child meant to be with you just wasn't ready yet, but the little girl you considered will always be in your prayers. Take care...Teresa
I'm glad you are feeling better about your decision. Adoption decisions are very difficult ones to make as they require much prayer, thought, and emotion. You dream of your family and your future life. It is hard to not want to save each child, but we have to be faithful that God will stir our heart when the child that is meant to be ours is placed in clear view! You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Love the costume!
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