Please continue to pray for Adrienne, Jim and Owen during this sad time. The current situation is unchanged and baby Lily is being cared for by her birth mother and extended family. Please continue to pray for the birth family also during this time of need. I am very sad for Adrienne and Jim. I feel very responsible for their pain even though Adrienne has assured me that she does not feel this way at all. I have spent the past couple days praying for guidance and trying to find the positive aspects of this situation.
As some have noted I am in a difficult situation because I know and care for both families. I must face the reality of this situation and continue to pray for the child's well being and all the others who are involved. KT if you are reading this right now I do not blame you. I understand the position you have been put into I am just grieving the choice that has been made. I see where I could one day be in Adrienne and Jim's shoes and I am feeling the pain as if it were me in stead of them. I wish it was me instead of them.
Here are some of my thoughts on Adrienne and Jim and how they handled this situation. We could all learn much from their devotion to God and concern that they have shown for the birth family. During Adrienne's painful time their concern NEVER wavered for Lily or the birth family. She put their well-being above her own pain each time and every time we spoke of this situation.
Anniemac this part is for you! This blog and I am guessing many blogs that bloggers keep have a purpose. For myself this blog is a way to connect with others, educate, journal and share my life experiences, for right now my focus is my adoption but as anyone who has read this blog in the past could tell you there are many other sub-subjects.
I find your comments to Adrienne's situation in very poor taste. I am not "sorry" for this statement and if you are "offended" then you have read the tone of this statement correctly. You have used Adrienne's and my blog as a platform for your personal negative experiences with adoption. These are MY thoughts and not Adrienne's. She is too gracious, loving and Christian to do anything but pray for you! I would not typically respond to a person who comments on my blog in the form of a post but you have not given me any other means (No personal email address or blog) to contact you.
I have a few thoughts and suggestions for you.
1. Start a blog of your own, you may find that writing out your thoughts and feeling are beneficial. You could use your blog to as a place for birth parents to express their thoughts and feeling about their relationship or lack of relationship with their children. In this blog you could talk about your losses and I pray that no one will be as judgemental as you have been towards Adrienne and the many people who have prayed over this situation.
2. You could journal about your feelings about the child you placed. This could be benifical to her later in life to help explain the reasons why she was placed for adoption. Perhaps your relationship when she is older will be stronger because of your blog.
3. You seem to have many unresolved feelings about your personal adoption plan. I feel for you because from what you write it seems that you may not be as comfortable with you adoption plan and level of openness as you say you are.
4. As a birth mother you are a very important to your child. I do not believe there is an adoptive mother in the world who does not believe that the birth mother is important. I also believe that many adoptive mothers try their best to pertray the birth parents in the most positive manner possible because to do otherwise would be to hurt the very child we love the most. You loved her enough to care for her every need for the entire time that you carried her in your womb. I believe that even before your adoption plan was developed the woman who is your child's Mother also prayed for you then and even now whether you know it or not. When an adoption fails to occur this is a real loss for the adoptive parents and they do and should grieve!! Have you ever thought past your own feelings once think about the adoptive mother's feelings, fears and concerns??
5. The point that I think you have missed during this entire situation and I believe your own personal adoption is children are not property. They are placed on this earth for us to love and nurture sometimes with the birth family and sometimes with the adoptive family. We do not own them, not the birth mother nor the adoptive mother.
I know that there may be other birth mothers out there who read this blog and who have personally contacted me with their situations. This post is not meant to hurt you. I think that most adoptive parents would agree with me when I say the birth mother and birth father are never far from our thoughts. I would also like to say that your placement of a child IS a gift and I have never met an adoptive family who thinks any other way. We are thankful for that gift every time we think or even look at our child.
Adoptive mothers are no different then a birth mothers.
1. We worry if our children have had enough to eat.
2. We worry if our children are in a safe environment.
3. We worry if our children are getting enough love and attention.
4. We worry that we are making all the best decisions for our children daily.
As a Christian I am now asking that everyone who has read this post to PLEASE include Anniemac in your prayers. She deserves peace, love and guidance to help her resolve her unresolved feelings. Also please encourage her to start a blog. I would love to read what she is feeling from a birth parents perspective because this could only help me when my adopted child has questions
33 comments:
De-lurking!! Thank you for your kind remarks to Anniemac. I will pray for her. As a recent adoptive mother to two children from Vlad, I can say that there truly is not a day that goes by that I don't think about and pray for my children's birth mothers. They have given my husband and me such a gift. Praying for you and Jim & Adrienne, Lily and her birth mother and extended family in this very difficult time.
Jody Garber (mom to Addie & Will)
jjgarber03@yahoo.com
Oh Joy, you do not need to feel responsible for what has taken place. God's in control and while none of us see the reasons right now all we can do is trust him, which is often the hardest thing to do. I'll be praying for you.
As an adoptive parent not a day goes by that I don't think of my daughters birth family. The decision she made enabled me to be a parent. And while I know there must be some coercion in some placements (I know this might sound rude but I don't intend it that way) if a woman is old enough to get pregnant she is old enough to make her own decision whether she keeps her child or not.
I'll be praying for Anniemac. There are birthmom blogs out there. Also a good site for help is www.birthmombuds.com.
Thank you for your comments and yes, I will pray for her. I do not know A/J/O personally, but have followed their blog for some time and have been lifting them up in prayer, as well as the birth mom and her family, daily. This is a very difficult time for all and I cannot even imagine being in either of their shoes. Thank you for being their friend and loving them. I know they see all of us praying for them, but please, let them know we will NOT be stopping and will continue to pray for God's will for them.
Joy,
I did not once feel that you blamed me.
I know that all of us are hurting, for our own reasons. No one can feel anothers pain, it is unique. My heart is breaking for Adrienne, & for you, who got caught in the middle of a situation so close to your own heart; & for my daughter, for who my heart has broken so many times, I didn't think it could ever hurt again. Mostly, my heart is mourning Lily's loss,she lost two very special people,who would have been her parents.
I can't imagine the hurt that the birth parents are feeling right now. I will never have the luxury of being the birth mother. It must be a difficult decision for her and her family. I hope that things turn out ok in the end. But I must say this..... to Anniemac.... just because she is the birth mother doesn't give her the "right" to keep her. Children are not things we own and if a mother is not fit to take care of a child, then she should not be allowed to keep the child. Blood is not the only thing that is important and it does not give anyone the "right" to keep a child. That is what I find is the problem with domestic adoptions.
(Just another lurker)I too have been following A's blog for a long time now. At first, I wanted to feel horrible for only her J & O. I wanted the birth mom to give them her baby. I actually prayed for that. After watching their tremendous courage and faith in the Lord I realized how wrong I was. Of course, I would secretly still like to see them get to parent Lily, but I feel so much pain for the birth mother now too. What a hard place she must be in. I think we are all so wrapped up in our own pain for the adoptive side, we forget that the birth mother may actually be struggling with guilt over her decision on top of every thing else. You and A have proven to be such great servants of God, and I hope if nothing else comes of this, it leads others to follow in your footsteps!
Joy, I wrote a book and realized how long it was and deleted it...I posted it on my blog TO YOU so I hope you will hop on over there and read it. Since it was just to you, and since my blog is private, I thought I would post it in a private place. Hugs to you!
Hi Joy,
Just wanted to know I was thinking about you. I am still praying for everyone involved. I believe this is in God's hands and there is a reason for everything.
Be well...Teresa
Joy - You are such an amazing person. You have been through so much the past week - so many ups and downs - and yet your concern is ALWAYS for others. What an eloquently written post to Anniemac and about the situation. You are such a great friend to so many people. None of this is your fault at all - there is no blame to be placed right now just lots of prayers to be said. If I can do anything for you, please just let me know.
Very well said and I couldn't agree more. I have been following Adrienne's blog for quite sometime. My heart literally sank when I read that the birth mother was having doubts. I have a hard time seeing God's purpose in all of this, but I have to accept that there is some greater purpose that we can't see. I guess I just want more than anything for Adrienne to be happy and have the family she so very desires. You can see the love her, Jim, and Owen share through the pictures on her blog. It's a great picture of love. There is some little girl out there that is meant to be with this family. And this little girl will be SO blessed. I pray for everyone involved. I can not imagine the situation are you in. I pray you find peace with this all too. Anniemac no doubt needs prayers too. Thanks for sharing this post. So many times I wanted to comment on the "fighting" that was taking place on A's blog. It was heartbreaking that people weren't focusing on the real purpose of the blog. So many people are lifting everyone in this situation up. God no doubt hears these prayers. I can't wait to her about A, J, and O completing their family someday. I know God's got a plan for this family.
Joy, I can understand your feelings of being so torn in this situation. I hope you can find some peace as well as both other families.
As for the Anniemac part: AMEN!
I am an adopted child, a birthmother and an adoptive mother so I feel like I have a pretty good perspective from all angles. Anniemac was way off in her comments and perhaps even though those were HER feeling, she needs to put them in a more appropriate spot and not be such a coward (and yes I mean coward) to not leave any contact any information. She needs to work through the feelings she obviously hasn't dealt with concerning the placement of her child.
Sorry, off my soapbox now. You are a wonderful person to be such a good friend.
I have been praying for you Joy – that you wouldn’t feel any of Adrienne’s pain was of your making. This was His will, you did nothing to feel sorry for. As you have said Adrienne does not blame you and I feel 100% that that is the truth. Do not allow Satan to fill you with guilt.
I am so grateful for this post, I knew that Adrienne would be dismayed to see the ‘fighting’ that had begun in amongst her many beautiful comments, hopefully you have now defused the situation.
I ache for Adrienne and Jim, I really, really do but I feel no anger towards Lily’s birth mother. Why should we?! She did not make her choice through vindictiveness only through love. She did not mean to hurt Adrienne & Jim and I am sure she feels awful for what she has put them through. I am praying that she can give Lily the life Adrienne’s dreamed for her. My heart would swell with joy if Lily was to be with Adrienne but if that is not to be then we can do nothing more than wish her and her mother well.
Joy I have never commented before, never visited before I learnt of your ties to Adrienne & Jim but I plan to now follow your adoption journey. I wish you all the best.
Joy,
Great post! I am so happy that you found a way to share your feelings and truth to Anniemac. You have been a great source of peace and friendship to Adrienne and Jim throughout this journey and I know that they treasure your honesty and friendship VERY MUCH! I will keep you and all adoptive families in our thoughts and prayers. I also will keep Lily and her family in our thoughts and prayers and pray that she will be loved and cared for in the same way that she would have been with 2 special people that God created to have a beautiful family... I hope that this Thanksgiving, you will find peace and know that there are so many of us that are thankful for people like you for sharing the gift of friendship...
Anniemac,
Thanks for sharing your feelings!
We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers, that is for sure...
Joy, your post was thoughtful and well written. I feel partially responsible for it's need, as I was the "one" who wrote that my prayers were more so with Adrienne than the birth mother. I still stand by that, and sincerely hope that when your time comes to be chosen as a mother that you are are spared the pain of being told no at the last minute. I hope that in the months prior to your adoption (if this is the case) that you will share your joy with others and not be fearful that you must keep it to yourself because it might not work out in the end. I can tell by the eloquence and sincerity of your words that any baby would be lucky to have you. Apologies to all for setting of the sequence of events that led to any offensive comments, even if they were my own.
kellyk1991@live.com
and to riley kai, and colette, you have seen my points of many posts, that anger toward the birthmother is not warranted, and you also need to examine her side of the situation..those posts make me feel like i got to someone so thank you!
(and thanks for whoever may have prayed us through bathtime! we actually had a no tears evening, a tremendous occasion celebrated with a late night cherries snack!)
Joy, like me, I know you've grieved this week. Grieved because we know a friend is hurting and we cannot imagine how badly her heart aches. We wish we could ease her pain, but we know that it will take time to heal. I think we all realize that God is in control and his will be done. It still doesn't make loss easy. I don't think anyone is trying to take away from the birthmother (or the baby). I just think that most reading this blog are friends or readers of Adrienne's. For this reason, we are going to reach out to her during this time. I don't think anyone meant any offense to the birthmother or birth family. I'm sorry that your blog (and Adrienne's) have been attacked during a trying time. When you are going through heartache, it is better to be lifted up in prayer, thoughts, and words.
Much love coming to you, my friend!
anniemac said...
hi there again "joy"
seeing as how i have 2 kids, and im a small business owner, a blog, is out of the question, so here you go pumpkin.(its long, but you so sweetly asked, so here you go)
in a world where any person who considers adoption for their baby is considered a "bastard" or "whore" or "some idiot who got pregnant and wants to get rid of her kid" stands me. Someone who was raped at 17 years old, by someone she trusted.(dont worry, not incest) 17 years old.
And at 18, i went through all the things you go through when your pregnant. And then i made the decision to place her. And it was horrible.
I wont go there.
Where i will go, is how amazingly awful this world can be, when someone is trying to make the best decision for their child. I got pregnant, not by choice. I got pregnant, and no matter what couldnt kill something inside me by abortion. God, i wont say let me be raped, but he placed that child for my little soul to carry and place in the arms of the family she is supposed to have.
My family begged me to not use an agency. So i used a lawyer. Why? you ask? when they adopted, they went international because local adoption agencys LITERALLY had classes on coercion. They wanted a baby, whose mother chose them on her own fruition, completely being her choice and of her sound and peaceful mind.
Agencies try everything in their power, including screwing with a hormonal growing young girl who has been through severe trauma and
all they want is to convince her that she cannot handle parenting a baby. They undermine their confidence at every turn, every angle, and take their babies. I can send you to several blogs of those folks, if you are so interested.
I placed Sara Alaine in her parents arms of my own sound choice, mind, and heart. I commented that i took her home 2 days before i made my decision, to feel like she is mine, and mine to give away, to get away from the hospital psycho-ness and craziness and just think. I know i was 18, done highschool and had no business raising a baby, but the TREMENDOUS hormonal surge that travels through you, is incredible. This baby was cut from me. I have no idea who her father is as he was never caught, or who she looks like. I know he is the one who caused me to have horrible nightmares at night and to the crux of the worst heartwrenching decision i ever made, but there was a 6ib baby girl with my nose in my arms, and i forgot about all that. I told her i took my time making a decision, so that she wouldnt think that 2 days is a big deal. I also think (see australia adoptions- they are super down there) that there shouldnt be such a smash on birthmothers for time. You have allot of time, we, do not. And to the person who doesnt think Lily (is that what HER MOTHER NAMED HER BTW???) is unfit, PROVE IT IN COURT! take her to court, say it was supposed to be an adoption, state why you think she is unfit, prove it, and then talk to me. Just because someone considers adoption, doesnt make them unfit. Pregnancy is a tremendously hormonal situation that leads to incredible feelings on a wide spectrum. (more on that later) I know mothers who feel helpless. I know mothers who doubt themselves as parents all the time. Thats just life honey. When you have a kid, there will be days when you say holy crap, can i do this? Youll cry for help to your mom or husband what did i get myself into? holy moly!! they will run you into the ground and scream. But you can get up at 2 am they will puke on you and you will just love every second because they wanted you to make it better.
Time limits are up to the birthmother. Unless someone proved they are unfit in court. There should be no pressure. you want a baby, we want to make the best choice. Birthmoms are the Mother untill otherwise stated at their descretion. Frankly, if i were adrienne and jim, i wouldnt have traveled out there till papers were signed. I wouldnt have put Owen through that either unless i was sure. (more on that later too!)
When Sara was placed, they lived 8 hours away from me. I got pictures once a month and twice a year visits. 8 years later and one awesome job offer, they live 3 blocks from me. Something I never expected, but a blessing in a way. Sara knows everything there is to know. She is a beautiful child. Does my happiness come from her being close? no, because thats only been a little while now (less than a year) As a matter of fact, its hard to look at her sometimes, i feel a little pang here and there because she is the spitting image of me, and someone else is her mother. But overwhelmingly, the sense of peace comes from making the right decision. I will always be her mother, but they are her parents, and that is her family. However, blood, kidney, im here. But dont ever discount a birthmothers feelings. Without those "whores" you adopters wouldnt have babies!! They are not bastards or idiots just for wanting more for THEIR child. And yes, by all the legalites of the world its THEIR child. And if they change their mind, which is their right to do ( hey thats the law too) still pray for them. Dont be angry with them, it solves nothing. As a birthmother it kills me to see other people in a sea of lost and helplessness trying to do something heartwrenching, selfless and amazing for their child, and in turn for an adopting family, and then seeing all these people bash her for doing it. Adoption is hard for everyone. There is always a loss, remember that. I havent met a birthmother that wanted to give up her baby. They made their choice out of love. And often times they choose people that say anything to get a baby, dont follow up on promises, and end up screwing over the person who gave them the most incredible gift, their child. (which they toss away a tremendous amount of medical knowledge, etc. and baffles me)
As far as grief, like i said a completed adoption means there is grief for someone along the way. Any amazing person who participated in an entrustment ceremony in an adoption knows what I mean. the grief comes out of pure undying love. Here we have a fight for our child drive inside of us, a mother protecting her young drive, and we have to fight that to give our children something better. And we are damned for it.
And when we change our minds, people wish things like our babies would cry all night and we would change our minds at the spur of the moment ( do you really want a baby from a decision like that?) That is not the true decision of her heart, and you would seriously crush a person for life doing that. A coerced adoption vs a failed one, im sorry (expierience here!) would have to believe that a mother who was coerced into an adoption plan that she didnt really want grieves more than a failed adoptive family who can move on to another plan. There isnt a reason now, but this adoption plan for the ********'s, fell through for a reason.
As far as some people who think one level of gried is more than the other, and who have said i dont know what this feels like or that, i do. I know what its like to give up a live baby that i gave birth to. I know what its like to then in turn , one year after the next give birth to her sisters, at full term, stillborn, because of freak birth accidents that cannot be detected, and bury them. my husband and i have done that twice. Twice. One year and one day apart. I have sobbed and sobbed over them day in and day out too. I have seen my husband and I hit rock bottom, only to scrape ourselves up and carry on. And i know what 2 miscarrages feel like, and finally i know what birthing a baby born of both my husband and i, and getting to keep her are like. When we were pregnant with our youngest, we didnt tell our older daughter because of our history of loss. She didnt know what was going on, untill we had a baby, to protect her feelings as much as possible. Now again (not saying they did it wrong, just saying what i did here okay honey!) but i know what my feelings were, and i know what my child could understand, and i know if i had some awful grief, i wouldnt put her through it. SO happily in our situation, she got her little sister to her great delight. i try to protect their feelings as much as possible, but thats how i roll, not them. Just my (entitled to!) opinion.
And those things you a-parents worry about, or will, whenever you get a child are things we worry about, but those people who take our childrens care, often shut us out of, and we go a lifetime without knowing, and there are blogs of family members of birthmothers i know who killed themselves over that. Over lies adoptive parents told them to take their babies.
I dont think of my children as property but i do think of them as mine. Sara, was mine. Teagen and Maya,were mine, but now they are in heaven. Chloe, and Madelyn are also, mine. They are my kids. Owen is A & J's kid.
See where im going with this?
Your house is yours, my house is mine. My birthdaughter was mine untill I said she could be someone elses, see?
What i find bad about domestic adoptions is that adoptive parents lie out of desperation to have a baby.(most of them, there is always an exception) And i experienced that after 2 stillbirths, birthmoms are forced to make decsions when they are hormonally screwed and have no concept of which way is up, after the agency has undermined their confidence when otherwise most of them would be just fine raising the baby they deep down want to keep, and birthmoms either decide to tough it out and the a-parents expierience grief of the immediate, or they place and birthmoms expierience grief for a lifetime.
To all those who open adopted, and keep their promises, i commend you. I commend you for realizing that the birthmoms expierience grief, no matter your level of openess, but the openness helps heal that wound. You also have most likely expierienced the level of openness that a deep medical history can provide. As well as if you need blood, medical situations (god forbid). Every birthmothers openess level is different. Mine, changed recently, and with any change, you learn to adapt to it. I am still not used to seeing my practical carbon copy (my living girls look exactly like daddy) running around, at the store, this town is kinda small. But im happy i can help. I donated blood for her heart surgery (were both super funky rare blood type) and i told her all about mine. Her parents were so happy that in the midst of their also being terrified for their baby girl (their gonna be babies for life lol) big heart surgery , that i could relate and ease everyones fears. Here and there, there are little pangs, like wow, that one looks like me, or she runs saying look mommy! but, that is when although it hurts somewhat, i know that she is much happier, better, a better person, and in the best place she can be. Our feelings for our kids dont cut off when we sign papers, no matter what we say to get us through the ordeal.
I dont want her growing up hating me. I dont want her to resent anything about the adoption situation, im happy that she knows i love her, that her parents gave her an amazing life, and i can be here, if she has any questions at any time. She is surrounded by love and not mystery, and that is why i sacrifce those little pangs to the heart here and there, so she always is told the truth and not lies about where she truly came from. That trumps any feelings i have, and i am at peace with them moving close by.
Anything said on either blog isnt directed at adrienne and jim unless its when i said i was praying, or told them as a b-mom i took 2 days, so they wouldnt give up hope so fast that the bmom took the baby home. I was just very upset that there was so much birthmoms bashing, and so many people wanting the baby to cry all night so they can have the baby. They certainly dont want that. Well, i cant say that, since i dont really know them, but i would hope someone didnt want that for a baby. I prayed for everyone involved. And also just because im a birthmother doesnt mean i want every adoption to fail either. I wouldnt have my 5 nieces and nephews if i wanted that.
i want any adoption to work, that works itself truly out. Where there is no influence, but destiny. And too many emotions and lies and bad things ruin that. I handpicked Sara's parents, and took my time, made the right decision, and it truly worked out right. When a bmom truly wants to place, and is ready to hand them to the right people that situation works out, but God decides that. Not wishes on babies crying to drive moms crazy and want to give their baby up. When its supposed to happen, it will happen (see also: pregnancy)
All birthmothers should be prayed for if they choose to keep their baby. It means they decided to parent their child, they think they can do it, therefore they need prayers of protection and guidance. If you dont want to pray for them dont, but dont damn them saying they dont deserve prayers either. (see another commenter, unless she deleted it) Owen was placed into their home, that was supposed to happen. it will happen when its supposed to happen.
Thats what got me to my 2 girls today.
So if A and J got offended at anything i said,im truly sorry because 98% was talking to other people not them.
I have sent someone to their site recently that I found out who is pregnant, and considering adoption. I dont know if she talked to them or emailed them or not, but i sent them there. In my mind she isnt ready to be a mother and i commend her for thinking about this choice, but the decision isnt mine. I just prayed for her. I asked her to read the blog as the realization of what the a-parents go through. Just so she knows what shes getting into, and how the whole of it works, in hopes that she can make a plan in hers, the afamily, and most of all the babies best interest. That is whats fair to all. If only adoption agencys worked that way, and all birthmoms werent afraid that someone would take their baby away forever, maybe more would work out. My advice, as being the friend between many adoptions, and relationships between families, is go in to an adoption plan from the get go with either as much openess as possible, or just say you want closed. If you want to be there when birthmom wants you to, state that in your profile or dear b-mom letter. If you dont want anything to do with it say that too. Some moms i know ashamed of their past want that, some regret it some dont, but that is what they are looking for. Others want the pictures of everyone at the sonogram, birthing room. Others just want contact info incase of medical knowledge, etc. Or maybe just once a year. If you are as open and honest as possible, i think more would be successful. And stick to it too. Just remember, a promise is a promise and God heard you make it, so if you rip that baby away from that, you will only have him and your child to answer to.
I read A's updates when the birthmom was considering her options and weighed it with her post about the conversation they had. To go from wanting a contact info, couple phonecalls i dont want to see them , to come over, see the baby, take the baby home, is a huge jump and a red flag for me. I dont know if it was conveyed, but it would freak me out, and i wouldnt dare say it in bmom situation there, that maybe the aparents wanted a closed adoption and if i placed i would want more so maybe i wont place.
THIS IS HOW I WOULD FEEL IM NOT SAYING THATS WHAT HAPPENED OKAY!
That is where (dont know if it was said or not) talking on the phone and expressing levels of openess, could clear up allot of birmother emotions and help to clear up allot of feelings.
Just using as an example.
Anyways, theres a sum of feelings from me since you all were so interested. Thank you for prayers as im not perfect. I am still grieveing the loss of my 2 babies, and how unfair it is they never got to live it. Im still in utter amazement that 2 dazzling little girls (we seem to only make girls) are in my life (and can currently use a good bath in 15 minutes) and like any mother, we all need prayers for strength wisdom and guidance. Like you all take up for the griveing aparents, i can take up for the birthmom too when people bash them for excercising their rights. Everyone needs prayer. Dont discount that. If you read this right away send one up, its hairwashing night and little girls 1 and 3 hate that!! Its quite a challenge. Again thanks for all the prayers and soliciting them on my behalf, but beware Joym some others have better concerns than to pray for me!!
November 22, 2008 3:55 PM
***I removed a last name from this post and reposted it for Anniemac***
Hi Joy,
I am another de-lurker! I have been following along with You and Adrienne over the past few weeks and wanted to let you know that I am praying for healing for everyone involved.
Your posts have been kind and gracious and I wanted to thank you for that as I understand this is a difficult time for you.
Adrian
Anniemac,
I am an adoptive mother. I love our daughter's birthmother. I know she struggled and grieved. We keep in good contact. Our agency was wonderful. She would be the first to tell you that no pressure was used on her at all. It is too bad that (it sounds like) you had a bad experience with an agency. You were so young and so freaked out. You needed more than what (apparently) your agency offered.
There are some wonderful agencies out there who care deeply about birthmoms and place babies to help people. Our situation is win-win. It was very bittersweet at times.
I always said/realized that my ultimate joy was a direct result of someone else's pain/loss. I think birthmothers are incredible.
I wish you peace as I wish Adrienne and Jim peace as well as the birthmother of the baby.
Wow, I dont know what to say! This is just crazy! Nobody makes out in the end, someone gets hurt. But the main issue, if the birthmother wants to be the mother of a child that was rightfully hers than she should. Of course there are some BMs out there that shouldnt, and there child sits in a foster care system, while the parents get them selfs together. But to be honest You just never really hear, about the good people, and the whole truth. I think now a days we should be passed the whole"whore" issues with BMs. As commenter Jody said, about always thinking about the BM, I think about our son-to-be sons, BM. Is she struggling, worring about her son. Will she ever know he is coming to america. does he look like her? Its so hard , for everyone. I just pray for peace for all of the families involved!
Im going to guess that you skimmed over my long post, human nature, but to clarify,
i didnt use an agency at the request of my family. There was no agency involved. An attorney, but no agency. A counselor of my choice paid for by Sara's parents, but no agency. My aunt and uncle (2 of them) both left agencies after seeing classes on how to basically use coercion to get a baby from a birthmom. And yes, most agencies, dont get really paid untill an adoption happens, so you can best believe that is still happening. We know people today using only parentprofiles and attorneys because they want bmoms to place on their own choice and fruition, for the best interests of everyone involved. My counselor presided over my entrustment ceremony at our church hall and it was incredible. That event was taped for Sara to understand this was all done out of love, not bad wishes, karma or someone wishing Sara would cry all night and i would have had it and just give her up.
So no, i didnt have any expierience with any agency, at the requests of many family members and doing my research at the time too. Sara's parents were a friend of a friend, and i got to know them, because it just so happened that they were in the area when I considered adoption, and it was just there, there they were, those are her parents. of course like i said, no matter what the tremendous surge of pregnancy hormones are something i marvel at to this day ( there was a day when i uttered get me some effing pancakes and then broke into tears because i dont like them) and then there is this baby that looks a little like you in your arms after (in sara's case 19 hours of hard labor not much progress) and you are a hormal wiped out exhausted mess. Saras parents were there when i asked, and then i took my time for my peace, which in turn brought them peace, and our great relationship. They arent afraid to talk to me about her and thats huge for me. (and for any birthmother) As, i did carry her and give birth to her, so I like to know whats up. They are such an incredible family, and proof positive when adoptions are meant to happen they do.
Also Joy,
to make sure ive covered over all of your "feelings"
I dont feel that ive had a horrible expierience with adoption. I will share others expieriences, and things ive been involved in not related to my personal adoption, so everyone knows that its not all a lifetime movie.
To say that I, or anyone could live without the horrible feeling of giving up a child, yes that would make the world a better place. To say that any parent who wants a baby should have one, and adoption wouldnt exist, and the world would be a better place, yep, sure would.
I was supposed to place Sara, but it was a huge emotional challenge mixed with kick butt emotional hormonal surges. That is why i think there should be no time limit or stress placed at birth on the birthmother. The 72 hours to change your mind, sure, you a-parents need to breathe at some point but so many families put so much on birth mothers at birth. Birthmothers place out of guilt to the family when they maybe dont want to place. And when they change their mind and keep their baby, they ARE called whores, bitches, idiots, no-goods. And that is out of jealousy. Pure and simple. Call it what you want, but at its core, its jealousy. Someone decided that maybe they might not be cut out to parent right now, and thinks adoption would be the way to go. But then they see their baby and get clarity, either that yes totally this is the way to go best scenario possible for this baby at this time (my case with sara) or they say whoa! this is my baby! I can do this! In this case, we hope family and friends surround this new family with love protection and guidance, that they get all they need. And of course the a-parents need to adapt to a new change in their plans, its sad, especially if they've bonded with the baby. But they, can move on to another plan. And they always take it out on the birthmothers. Again, say what you want but i see it, read about it, all the time. They look at her like how dare she keep that baby. I see that adoptive families in domestic adoptions lie all the time to get a baby out of desperation. I prayed my heart out after losing my 2 girls, just so after 3 term pregnancies maybe, just maybe i could take a baby home. I know what its like to be desperate for a baby to take home. But a birthmother doesnt owe you her baby for thinking about an adoption plan. And because she changed her mind doesnt mean she should be damned either. And because she placed doesnt mean she didnt want her baby either. If that is your definition of adoption then you REALLY need some prayer, and ill totally be there for you. I have shared what dear friends, families, acquantinces and people i know have gone through. No one talks about the stuff i do. Everyone just bashes the birthmoms and holds the a-parents in the highest regard as they deserve all these babies that these bastard women dont want.
I thank God for adoption. Sara would not be the child that she is today if i had raised her. I wouldnt have gone to college. Maybe i wouldnt have had my husband, the chance to grow up a little, and be the best mom i can be for my girls now. Sara has had the life i dreamed for her and i couldnt have given to her if i kept her. Its heartbreaking, amazing, sad, fantastic, just a swirl of huge emotions, and the peace i have, comes from Sara knowing anything she wants, knowing that the decision was made out of nothing but love, and im here if she has any questions or needs anything that DNA covers.
(which i have done for her in the past) That, and seeing her so very happy and thriving with her amazing family leaves me with nothing but peace with my decision. I, had as good an expierience as possible in my mind.
Of course along the way,
(to cover the other questions)
I thought about Sara's parents. I called them all the time during my 2 days with Sara. (they were across the street with neighbors who opened their doors for the situation) I gave them updates, encouraged them to stay close. I knew i was placing Sara, but like i said, i had to say hello before i said goodbye. They knew that this was my time, and my only time with her, and they respected that.
For the longest time after placement i did things by their schedule with visits, calls (they called me first) etc. I didnt want them to think i was trying to be too involved, and i think that respect encouraged them to send me more information, pictures, calls, etc. They never let a week go by without a picture, a call, a video, etc. They encouraged me to call when i had news, wanted to know something, etc. When the option came to live so close to me, they looked at it as nothing but positive win win. She got to be a stay at home mom with Sara after school and her other kids, better money, bigger house, and Sara could grow up right next to her bio half sisters. The incredible job they did raising her lets them have an incredible relationship. These folks were in our wedding. They were at our babies showers, and funerals.
They are just incredible and Sara has nothing but love for her family and is so, so amazing.
so, i got 2 babes asleep, and they have the totally right idea, and im off to do the same. any other questions babe you just go head and post okay? ~thanks :)
Just wanted to say that you ALL are in my prayers - A,J& O you and the birth family!
I am kinda confused on what is happening with the comments from Anniemac, but I will continue to pray for her and everyone involved!
As I've read through your comments, I just wanted to share something. This, once again, is not said to take away from the birthmother or the baby. This is to just show the other side.
We are parents of a child through birth and a child through adoption. Both are the same in our eyes. We love them both unconditionally. We, like many of the other commenters, appreciate the sacrifice made by the birth families to place their child/ren with adoptive families.
I think the thing I can share is that a mother's heart aches for her child/ren the same whether they were born to you or adopted. It is all one in the same. When God places a child on your heart, you change. You begin to think about your future with this child and you begin to love this child (whether born or still in the womb). I know from personal experience that my adoption was more emotional than the birth of our son as the adoptive family must trust God to place this child with their forever family. We knew we would raise our son after birth, so our worries revolved around his health and delivery. With our daughter, we had to remain faithful that she would be placed with our family. We loved her before she ever became ours. We dreamed about her, we thought about her, prayed for her, and planned for her. All adoptive families do this. We name them, prepare nurseries or bedrooms for their arrivals, we embroider clothing, we buy all the necessities to bring them home (we plan for them as a birth family would do). In essence, we love them before we ever meet them (But, as a birthmother we loved our son before we met him as well). We realize that the birthmothers/families/agencies/countries can change their minds/plans; however, this doesn't make the heartache any less. The adoptive families grieve the loss of a child as if it had been born to them as they are going through the same emotions/grieving any mother would go through. I promise that had the adoption of our daughter fallen through, we would have grieved her loss just the same.
I hope this helps. I just wanted to share that adopting a child is very much the same as giving birth. The anticipation and love is the same. We have been blessed to experience the love of a child by both birth and adoption. And, our love for them grew in our hearts the same way.
As much time as anniemac is on blogs and posting to this one. I think she has time to create, post and share her feeling on her 'own' blog.
Just an idea..
Joy - you are an amazing person and we hold you and Adrienne Family in our prayer & thoughts.
Carey and Norman, you comments were well written. When I origianlly posted, it was with only one intention: to let the adoptive mommies reading know that ALL my prayers were with them. I think Carey Norman was correct, adoptive parents grieve in the very same way that any birthparent would grieve the loss of a child. I think it is safe to say that we all have different perspectives on the adoption issue. I did not feel my comments (or anyone elses) were disrespectful toward all the birthmoms out there, they were certainly not worthy of attack. I think the world is big enough that if we are all true to our hearts, there should be enough prayer out there for everyone. Believe it or not anniemac, there are adoptive children out there who are quite content with the mom and dad they were raised with. Sometimes open adoptions are NOT in the best interest of the child, especially those where the adoptive child feel pulled in 2 different directions. As a child of adoption (grown now), I encourage all aoptive parents to resist the pull toward open adoption IF you do not feel it is in the best interest of your child. It should be the adoptive parents choice, not the birthmoms. I know there will be many who disagree... I say this from the perspective of an adoptive child. It should be the choice of the adoptive parents and the child's, if that is one day the case. Anniemac, the pressure and coersion you refer so often to is not one-sided. Adoptive parents and adoptive children are coerced as well.
Joy - you are not to blame for this situation and we are praying for you too through all of this. Take care - and we are anxiously awaiting to hear of your referral for a little one!
i am sorry to use the comments section for this, but i am hoping to hear from Carey from Carey & Norman. our story sounds similar to your and i'm hoping to get some advice from you. we have our daughter who was born biologically to us but we are in the process of becoming foster parents and may have an opportunity to adopt in the near future. i am looking for any advice on how to join siblings without anyone feeling left out, etc. if you could check out my blog, leave me an email, anything would be great! thanks so much!! stacey
Stacey,
I have can email Carey for you if you like. Please do not worry about using the comments section for this purpose.
Joy
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