Reflections: Part Two

When Gerard and I first discussed not having biological children the discussion it was Summer of 2005. I remember the discussion like it was yesterday. We were sitting at the Wendy's (where I cook may meals, Ha Ha). I was telling how much I wanted to be a Mother. I outlined all the experiences we could provide our children and how much we would gain by sharing our lives with a child.

He looked at me and plainly stated that I should get use to the idea of being childless. Domestic adoption was never a consideration. I have been scared by having to sit back and watch many domestic adoptions crumbable in front of my eyes. Gerard and I are not cut out for an open adoption.

I was crushed. I teared up tight there at the Wendy's. The next day I told him being childless was not an option. I would anything to be a Mother. We had just finished building my dream home, a two stories house with a big master bedroom and bath. The kitchen was big, deck, large basement the whole house was about 3000 square feet on a very large lot in a beautiful neighborhood. So I sold the house downsized to a much smaller house almost 1400 square feet that was inhabited by drug dealers.

I worked hard to clean, change and make amends to the neighbors for the actions of the previous owners. The house was so bad we could not live in it for about 4 months. More then once the FBI, State police and boundy hunters have showed up at my door looking for the previous owners. Yes one time Gerard answered the door to a S.W.A.T. team with the guns drawn.

This week when I sat him down to tell him that I think we should hold off the adoption he looked crushed and was in denial. The next day he sat me down and told me that being childless was not an option. He listed all the experiences that we could provide for a child. A child that is waiting for me to jump on a plan and pick him or her up.

My plan is to stay the course. I know all of you who know me and who have read this blog probably knew it before I did. This wait is nothing compared to the wait to sell a home, the wait to fix a house into a home, the wait to gather the money, the wait to convince Gerard it was okay to adopt, the wait for the homestudy, the wait for the I-171, the wait to have the dossier translated and so on.

I am going to embrace the wait because not only is there a reason for the wait but yes something positive will come out of this wait for me. I have read and re-read many blogs in the past couple of days. This one post is has really touched my heart in a way that I have not felt in the last couple of weeks. Please keep this family in your thoughts and prayers. Here is their Gotcha Day post that has touched my heart Holm Sweet Home