I Have Broken Out My Box of Concern and I am Opening IT!

I usually have a box of concern. It is a mental box where I keep thoughts that are not productive or positive. I put all these thoughts into that box and pray that it will all work out. Many of my friends have heard me say "I have a box of concern but I have not broken it open yet!" Well it is official I have opened this box. There have been only a small handful of times when I have opened the box of concern. Decisions must be made and I must make but only after I am completely informed. These decisions must be made with my head not my heart. Thank goodness when I need to be I can be cold and clinical not to say that it is pain free. Just the facts Jack!

Where do I start. If you cry all night does that count for crying once or more then once? I really wanted to limit the number of times I cried during this part of the adoption so that I do not wear out my crying ability. I am sure that it has to do with being over tired, hormonal, worried and sick.

I lost my voice 2 days ago and Gerard has told me to not even try to talk because no one can understand me anyway. Just so that you all do not think that he is mean he told me this while tucking me back into bed and setting me up with cough syrup, cough drops, a cold diet soda and the TV clicker.

This time last year I was filled with excitement. I remember posting my New Years Eve post announcing that I was switching agencies. I was so careful to wait to say something about the switch until I was sure that everything was almost done.

I remember Gerard and I talking about what are we going to do if I call in February or March of 2008. I did not have enough PTO time saved for my entire maternity leave. I have been so careful in the past 2 years to not take time off with pay so that I would have enough time available later to travel and to be home and still get a full paycheck once the baby was here. Plus this was a good way to try out a part time paycheck without making the commitment.

Looking back I really enjoyed the summer months. I went to the beach even though I never actually tanned. I am usually the whitest person on the beach. I am so glad that even though I really do not and have not had any real adoption news in quite some time that I still have written down my thoughts.

He was so nervous that I would be traveling before we were ready. For Gerard he always was thinking that the Fall of 2008 would be such a better time to travel. Secretly, I think he even wished for the Fall of 2008 as the travel time. I have seen a change in him since that time. He is showing his disappointment from time to time now. He has been so sweet in the past 2 months telling me not to worry only to be a worried mess himself.

It has not been a secret that I have been upset with my agency because of the increased time line. Yes, I completely understand that this is what I signed up for and that there are no guarantees in pregnancy or adoption. The reasons why I have chosen this path have all been my own. I know that I am sounding ungrateful and that I must follow in God's path for me. I am trying to do just that. To cry for Julia is no longer an option because of new changes that I am sure I will not like. I will however always remember her and keep her in my thoughts and prayers. Well my agency is calling a mandatory meeting for families who are waiting! The main topic is how the economy has impacted the agency!

Okay I know that I may be a pessimist but how could this be a good thing. Anyone who has followed the economy knows that the news out there is not usually good news right now. I would be shocked if they told me something good. So I have a plan.

I am going to make the meeting for nothing else but for the satisfaction of confronting the agency with my concerns. Am I going to stay with this agency?? Well that is the 64,0000 dollar question! Gerard who knows me the best has not even asked me what I will do. He knows sometimes it is better not to ask.