The nights the lights went out...Haiti

The other night I was home with Anna and my Mother stopped by to see her. I could hear them playing in her room, I was busy picking up. All of a sudden the lights went out. I looked out the window and it was pitch black out. The only light that I saw was from a few stars in the sky and the moon. Usually the lights come on pretty quickly, I knew were Anna was and that she was safe. My house was completely silent then Anna let out with a cry.

My Mother quickly scooped her up to reassure her that everything was okay until I got there to hold her. I found a couple of candles, now we had some faint flicker of light. At first I thought the lights will be on any second now as I sat in the dark second turned into minutes.

The craziest things run through your mind in the dark. I put an extra sweater on Anna along with socks. I sat there and held her as was better and started to play again. My thoughts wandered to the people of Haiti. First to the children who were were scared sitting in the dark, or perhaps looking for their Mothers. Then to the Mothers and Fathers who were desperately looking for their babies hoping and praying that they would soon be able to hold them and quiet their tears.

Then my mind wandered back to Anna. Did she cry or miss her birth Mother when she was in the orphanage. Did she cry and miss me after I left her not once but three times in the orphanage.

I know their are so many children who will be sitting alone in the dark tonight, scared some hungry for food but many more hungry for the love and affection of a Mother and Father. I do not have the answers to the world's problems but I thank God everyday for my good fortune. If you have a child hug them, if you want a child consider adopting one. As hard as the paperwork can be and the financial hurdles that you must jump the rewards so far out weigh all of that drama.

This link was posted on a blog that I read that is private. I am not sure if anyone has thought to help but this could be one way. Pennies turn into nickels then dimes and so on. Together we can make a difference! Haiti-Aid.org

Yesterday was...

Anna's first official birthday party! This girl has got some friends who know how to throw a party. My Friend Dina's son Ryan turned 3 and we were invited. I have to tell you I have been to many children's birthday parties but I was even excited for this one. I remember when Ryan was born (I took care of him) he was a sweet baby. I still remember hushing him out to Dina so that she could see him sucking his thumb. Yes she is head over heels for her boys and she was as excited as I was to see it.

So on to the party. The attire Anna were a pair of jeans with a pink top that had a sweet little doggy on it. She LOVES animals so this was perfect. My friend Lynn told me she was not to wear a dress for this party because it was at a gym so being a seasoned Mother I took her advice but I could not resist throwing a tutu on over the jeans. I know Lynn would have approved. To my surprise Anna kept her bow in her hair most of the day.

I have not ventured into the toy area of the stores with Anna yet mostly because I am not really shopping much lately so I left Anna with Gerard yesterday morning on the hunt to get the perfect gift although I did include the gift receipt which I love when just in case he already has one. I decided on a Thomas the Train set.

The party was at a gym were running, climbing and jumping was encouraged. I worried that Anna would feel a little lost in among the kids but I think she did really well. She was tuned in enough to look for me but did not feel the need to cling to me. Lots of loud music for dancing and I laughed pretty hard when Anna stopped mid run to do a little dance. For the most part I think she followed directions well and was age appropriate for sitting still. The party was fast paced which is her favorite speed.

After the dancing there was pizza and cake. Anna was not jazzed by the pizza but man I had worked up an appetite so I was very jazzed. One interesting side note because I work the night shift I almost never get to eat pizza which makes me sad because pizza is one of my very favorite foods. She did however enjoy a big fat piece of cake.

I think however I had a little flashback to what I think her days in the orphanage were like because for the lunch there was a small long table and little chairs. Anna is not know for sitting in a chair mostly stands I know bad Mother but she walked in and sat right down. I could see her face in the mirror and it was like what is happening here. That look quickly faded when she realised there was juice but I thought it was very interesting. It was not a sad look just a confused look.

This party was the first time that Anna has been around a number of kids playing mostly she was only been with Sloan, Aristotle and Hans. I think she had a great time. I actually showed her the pictures that Dina up loaded to F@cebook and she was trying to climb into the computer and was laughing and smiling so that tells me that she really enjoyed herself.

It would not be an apostille if

Like usually the apostilles in New Jersery are proving to be a challenge. Yes Governer that was me at the state house the other day wanting to talk to you. For those of you who know me you all know that I am telling the truth. Yes I paid extra to have the apostille done overnight, yes I drove out to Trenton with Anna 2 days in a row (a 4 hour tour) to find out that it was done because this was the Governers first day and "things" were not signed.

So today I made a third trip to Trenton to pick up the document because I got the call that it was done and low and behold guess what??? Nope not done! Yes I am sitting in the lobby waiting and yes I may be making another trip request a meeting with our new Governer about this matter. I have to have this Post Placement Report to Michigan by Monday. Yup I know cutting it close honestly though it was not my fault. If I have to drive it to Michigan I will!

Luckily for Anna today she is home playing with Nanny. Luckily for Gerard he is getting zapped today, unlucky for him he will be waiting for me to pick him up. Did I mention that I am about 2 hours away for him. Poor guy will have to suffer in the waiting room until I get there.

As for the weekend tomorrow we have big plans!

Shear Frustration!

Jillian my niece is in Florida, she is the one who mainly stays with Anna when I am at work. As a selfish favor I told Jillian that I would love to watch the dog. I say it is a selfish favor because the dog is too cute for words and I really do love Coconut. She is so full of energy and loves to be cuddled.

Here is were the frustration comes in! Anna loves to feed Coconut but Coconut is not such a big eater well when you are about 6 lbs how much can you eat. Anna thinks that Coconut should eat when ever she thinks she is hungry. Anna will carefully bring Coconut the bowl of food, switch it to another bowl, then mix it with the water then back to another bowl.

Anna has even gone so far as to open the refrigerator in the search to find anything that Coconut will eat. I feel like I am looking into a mirror. Anna welcome to my world!

Why me?

Well today marks 1 year from the time I knew that Anna was my referral.
The day did not start off well a year ago. A few hours later I went from the lowest of low to the highest of high. What a difference! In all that time that I waited I had some questions as to why I had to wait. I had seen so many others not only get their referrals but travel and then come home and some even started on their second adoption. Why me? Why did I have to wait?

I did my best not to let it consume my thoughts and know that I was in the best hands, God's hands. I tried my best to understand the delays and set backs. For the most part I think I did pretty good. Now I also know that some do not think that I did but to them I say I wonder how you would have been...hmmm!

So back to the "Why me?" question. I was selected for Anna after many others had said "No thank you", hard to believe at least for me. I wonder if those who passed on Anna even met her? My guess is no they did not. I think they may have just looked at her pictures and medicals and said "No thank you" I guess I took a chance. No I did not have her medical information formally reviewed by any doctor, from what I saw on it I knew that it was of very little concern at least to me. I wonder some times if any of those who passed on Anna follow my blog and were surprised when they saw her referral picture.

Now that Anna has been with me for almost 5 months I can say without a doubt that yes God does know what he is doing! I had to wait because he needed me to be ready for her and she for me. She is spunky, smart, busy and most of all loving towards Gerard and I as well as all animals and dolls. If you are waiting or considering adoption my best advice is to pray about it. Growing a family through adoption has been the best experience for me and quite honestly I would not consider getting pregnant but that is me.

Is it easy to learn to love a child who is not biologically your own? Well my answer to that is yes and no. Confused? Are you open to receive and give love? If you are then it will be easier for you to love a child or children who are not biologically your own. That is a question that only you can answer.

Is it easy to be a single parent? or a parent even if you are married or a couple? I will say the answer to that is no. I think being a parent is challenging whether or not you are in a relationship but I would not let that stop me if being a parent is what I wanted to be and did not. At the start of this journery Gerard was not very sure if he could really be a part of this journey. He is not the type who just jumps into someting without thinking. During my journey at times I thought it would have been far easier to not adopt and just coast along like I had done for many years as a woman without a child but at the end of the day I was not happy and felt as though something was missing.

I think you never realize just how unhappy you are until you are no longer unhappy. That was true for me. I have way less money then I have ever had in my life. I shop way less then I ever thought was possible. I am way more tired most of the time because yes I am getting way less sleep then I have ever gotten. My house is way less organized, I can not longer talk someone through where something is located over the phone the way I used to be able to do. But I am way happier then I think I have ever been.

I needed the delays that I encountered. God needed to know that I believed in what I was doing, I needed to to learn to have patience.

My Mother Told me to tell you...

I am sure that many may be wondering how my Mother is doing. I know there has been a lack of post about my Mother this was out of respect for my sister. She was upset by the thought of her illness being publicly out there. Today my Mother came over and told me that I need to post something for all who have prayed for her.

In November my Mother under went a right upper lobe wedge resection, in short terms they took out part of her lung do to lung cancer. At that time I was very concerned about her health and if she would recover and if she did what quality of life she would have. During that surgery they also did a biopsy of her uterus.

It has been determined that that biopsy is positive with Complex A-typical hyperdysplsia in real words it is about a hair away from uterine cancer for which she will need yet another surgery. After her lung surgery she was in need of home oxygen which stinks and is quite limiting.

Tuesday we as a family and her group of medical professional have determined that it is in her best interest to postpone that surgery that would have been next week in order for her to become more physically fit. There has also been some very excellent news from that visit...she is now OFF home oxygen!!!

One of the things that you all may not now is that when we are waiting for her appointments we try to talk about things that are fun and you all (my blogger friends) are some of the things that we talk about. I am able to access some blogs from my phone so that is what we do. I bet you guys never knew that.

At this last appointment I accessed a blog that I have just started to read that is private and my Mother saw that child's picture she started to cry tears for that family this time they were happy tears in a room where sad tears once were cried.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I am sorry that many of you have been in the dark I know you understand. You all are never far frommy thoughts and prayers

One down three to go

Tuesday, I completed the first Post Placement Report. For those who may not know Russia requires that every child is visited by a Social worker in the home to evaluate how the child is doing. Is the child thriving? This is best evaluated in the child's home setting where he or she can be themselves.

Christine our Social worker arrived around 11 am usually this is a great time for Anna BUT Anna awoke (like 5:30 am) early so by the time 11 o'clock rolled around she was exhausted. I did manage to get a couple of pictures before she came. To say that I was worried that she would have a major meltdown while Christine was here and that this would reflect negatively but I was so wrong.





While I talked with Christine, Gerard and Anna played in the living room. Christine and I watched as they played with her kitchen and stuffed dog.

Christine and I talked about a lot of what we have experienced since Anna has come home. Some of the things that we talked about were how she was sleeping, eating and attaching to us. Thankfully the sleeping has been going well, even as I write this today nap time has been WONDERFUL! I know I should not say or write this but that is how I feel. We laid down together as I fed her a bottle she gently touched my arm and fell asleep in exactly 5 minutes and is still sleeping now 2 hours later. Sleep at night time is also so much better then I ever thought it could be. Do we still struggle at times...yes but the fight to go to sleep is much less then it was in the first 2 months.

As far as attachment I think that is really coming along too. She looks for me when she is hurt. She plays near me and has started something new. If I am doing something and she wants my attention she bends down and taps the floor with a distinct tone of come sit here. I can not help but to laugh and stop what I am doing and start playing.

Attachment to Gerard has also been successful in my opinion. She not only looks for him but she is easily consoled by him. She loves to give him kisses and hugs. I laugh because if he leaves the room she starts to look for him. The two of them have these little games that they play like cheek to cheek, he says cheek to cheek and she presses her cheek to his. They also play a little game were they zoom in real close nose to nose. I interesting thing is when they do this she maintains constant eye contact. I will tell you that I shamefully did take a picture of her when as she cried for Gerard when he was in the bathroom. I think she thinks he is secretly taking a bath and playing with toys without her.



Which brings me to the saying two out of three ain't bad. Eating! UGH! Anna still struggles to eat enough calories in a day. When you think about 1000 calories a day that seems like it is so little but when you are a child who is struggling to eat them and a Mother who is painfully watching and praying that it will happen it is hard not to focus on this. I know that the eating will come with time. I have been trying my best to not obsess over it. I know that in the past I have told you all that I am a numbers girl and I am. So here are the numbers, when Anna came home she:

September 3, 2009: weighted 21.4 lbs, height 32.25 inches and head circumference was 46 cms. Less then 3rd percentile, 10th percentile for height, Less then 3rd percentile for her head.

January 3, 2010: weight 21.8 lbs, height 35 inches and head circumference was 46 cms. Less then 3rd percentile for weight, 25th percentile for height and Less then 3rd percentile for her head.

To my surprise after Thanksgiving her eating seemed to pick up so I had become less worried. She has a list of things that she eats now and frankly some may be surprising: turkey, laughing cow soft cheese in the little triangles, keifer, salami, Italian suppresotta, chicken nuggets, hot dogs,Italian bread with lots of butter. Nothing hot everything must be cold. She has been eating less fruit, pudding and apple sauce. Nothing is off limits as far as eating. When food id present at time it has been a challenge for me because others feel the need to correct her behavior or dictate what foods she should be eating. I will say I have been politely trying to talk with those who have been doing this but I feel that a sit down out of Anna's ear shot is needed.

Here is where I will get honest, Christmas was a problem some family members insisted that we travel for the holiday in the name of making it easy for us. There was a blow out it is these same family members who I must sit down with and explain to them that their behavior will have to change. This was hard to write and will be even harder to say, off on a tangent I know.

The numbers are objective where I may not be so objective. I am developing a plan of action. Yes I plan on having her evaluated by a speech therapist and a feeding specialist. So there you have it in all the visit was a success for many reasons.

What do you do when it is 20 degrees....Swim of course!

This past weekend it was my nephew Sloan's birthday. He turned 2 years old. I just can not believe it. Funny does not describe him well enough, he is a very sensitive little man always looking for his Mama. The funny thing it he is easily 6 inches taller then Anna and 15 lbs heavier. Anna just loves to put on his shoes. He can jump from a standing position and he gets about 4 inches of air. This is something that Anna still is trying to do. If you ask him a question and the answer is "yes" he can say it clear as a bell.

Which brings us to this weekend. I was off so therefore fun and games should happen. I called my sister to see if she was interested in going to an indoor water park that my friend Dana found. When we got there it was way cooler then I thought it would be. I think this will become a place where we will go again. It was a sunny 84 degrees and the water was warm. They even have a slide that goes outside and back into the building.

The area for the little ones was nice as well. There was a small water slide which Anna went down approximately 651 times. Sloan went down 2 but he is not much of a dare devil like Anna so he was content to play in the fountains. The lazy river was warm enough to take a couple of laps in. In all the day was great! One problem going to the car. I had to throw my sister under the bus so out to the car she ran, probably faster then she has ever ran to pick the rest of us up at the door.







Tomorrow should also prove to be an interesting day, my first Post Placement Report visit!!!! Can you believe it has been 4 plus months since Anna has been home! Yes I do plan on taking some time today to pick up. Am a I little nervous yes but I think that is normal. One thing I will say is I have actually had quite a bit of contact with my home study agency over the years so it makes it much easier for me. They are pretty nice and supportive. The rush is on to get the report done and to my adoption agency before January 25th. I guess that is the stuff that I worry about.



Yes that is Anna "helping" us put in the child locks. I not sure it she was helping us put them in or trying to figure out how they come out?