Praying for a Little One-Way Too Long and Too Sad

This week has been filled with both extreme excitement and extreme sadness for me. On some level I have been very detached from this whole adoption experience I think for many reasons. The first obvious reason is being detached has helped me to stay sane during the wait. I am surrounded by new Mothers and Fathers just about everyday. I am expected to be happy for them and I am happy. But if I were to let my adoption consume my life in a negative way and look at it as why me nothing good will come out of those feelings.

When a person is pregnant or adopting your imagination tends to build up what your child will be like. What color hair, eyes every feature of their little faces. I consider myself very fortunate that I am able to share these small moments with so many new families because I know one day it will be my time too! Inevitably we start to talk about whether or not the baby looks like you thought she would look. The answer is always no she is more beautiful them I ever could imagine she could be.

As a nursery nurse not only am I able to sometimes pick out features or symptoms that parent may think are cute or endearing but from my perspective that same feature is a big red flag or concern that I have for that baby. That is my job. We have books as big as a Webster dictionary that are full of pictures, features and conditions that most can not stomach to look at. It is my job to be familiar and to look at this book often.

Which brings me to the source of my excitement and extreme sadness. During this process I never considered even considering a special needs child. I know my limitations. Many have said that I would be a perfect candidate for a special needs child because I am a nurse and I understand what is involved with caring for this type of child. So the sadness is that this past week I considered a special needs child. She took my breath away. I could see her little hands in mine and I let myself get excited. Her eyes, her little kisser, the big goofy bow in her blond hair. The sad little look on her face. I fell asleep thinking that I could do this she could be my daughter.

But after looking at her medical information and consulting 3 different physicians about her condition, extensive research in every text book I could get my hands on, searching and reading many different research articles. I have decided that I can not take this child into my family as my daughter.

The pain that I am feeling is so overwhelming! I have not stopped crying for about 2 days now. I am hurting more then I ever expected I would hurt. I feel blindsided by my grief. Please if you think I am being selfish you can not say anything worst then what I am already telling myself about my character or my faith in God so do not even bother to post a comment. I feel like a terrible person.

Her condition at best means that she will probably not live longer then about 5 years old. She will die and probably a death that I know will be painful and sad and without a Mother's love. I have prayed for guidance and her well being. I keep coming back to the feeling that I want to be a Mommy not a nurse to another child who is going to die. I have great repsect and love for those who are able to take on a special needs child. I am not that strong.

Part of me wishes that I never saw her picture because I would not be feeling this pain. The other part of me is second guessing my decision as a sign or God's will and that I should aggressively pursue adopting her. I know the pain of losing a child and that almost destroyed me once.