The past couple of days in an attempt to not think about the adoption I have done nothing but think about the adoption. Funny how the mind works. Sunday I told Gerard about my possibility of me changing my mind about our adoption journey. His response was interesting, he looked crushed. Then he just continued on talking about when the baby comes home. One word for his reaction is denial.
So the past couple of days I have been re-reading some of my earlier posts and that is when I realized that I never wrote about how I came to think that adoption was the path to Motherhood for me. Some know my story and most do not because this is a public blog I will leave some parts of the story out. Gerard and I have never become pregnant not for lack of trying. This year marks 18 years of us being together.
I am fearful of becoming pregnant. About 11 years ago I switched to the maternity area of nursing partly to combat my fear of pregnancy and childbirth. You know face your fears, well I have faced them and I am even more fearful then ever. When you work in the area where I work the one thing that is suppose to comfort you is that you will deliver with the people that you know the best. I know that the women who I work with are confident, smart and cautious but I had always made the decision that I would never deliver where I work because if something were to happen I would never be able to return back to work.
When I am working I am less emotional about the "what ifs" because I go into a survival mode when I must care for a child especially during stressful deliveries. Jaime Lynn if you are reading this have no fear you know Aunt Joy will take good care of you and your little lemon. Interestingly enough it makes me truly crazy when my friends and family members do not deliver where I work because I know that my friends will not only go the extra mile but would probably watch the new baby even more closely then I would.
This is why I thought adoption was a viable solution. For me infertility procedures were never in my thoughts. God bless any woman who can put herself out there to go through those treatments. I know because when these women do delivery they are usually beyond frantic and crazy over every detail because of all the pain, sadness and fear that they had to experience to get to the point of delivering a child. I never wanted to be that person.
I wanted to enjoy every detail of becoming a mother. I wanted to remember every feeling and emotion. I wanted the fairly tale. I guess the wait has gotten in the way of my perfect vision, oh what reality can do to a dream.
School Days - November 2023
4 months ago
15 comments:
Hi Joy. Since I am new to your blog, I don't know all the ins and outs of your wait... but this has to be so frustrating for you.
So sorry to hear that you've been going through all this. I'll be thinking about you.
Me again -- I was looking for your email address... and couldn't find it. Mine is "danivann@aol.com" - can you drop me a quick note?
The wait sure does put a dampwer on this journey that we are on. However, it will work out in the end. Mike and I have discussed fertility and egg donation but I am much to emotional right now, at this stage in our lives, to take the gamble. I want to know that in the end we will have our child. Maybe next time....We'll see.... For now we will both plug along, do what the judge and our agencies ask us to do, and wait....
Melissa
Joy - much the same situation here - never happened, didn't want to go the fertility route. I don't think it matters how you get there, just that you do, if it is want you want. We'll be praying for you while you wait and think things over.
Hi Joy - You and Gerard will know what is right for the two of you. Kevin and I went through those same emotions this summer when our last agency was suspended and with all of the turbulence, we still go through those feelings. I have been praying now more than ever and it has helped - You are both in my prayers during this emotional time.
Hang in there! Teresa
Sending prayers! I can hear the frustration in your words and I am sorry! All I know to do is listen and send prayers!
Labor pains are the same whether you give birth or wait through adoption. It is hard while you are going through them, but oh so worth it once you have your child!! Only God can give you peace about your decision! I'll pray for his comfort and encouragement as you make your decision.
Hi Joy-I just got caught up on some of your recent posts and am so sorry to hear that your agency has told you referrals will still be a few more months away. I remember how many frustrating conversations we had with our agency in the few months before getting our referral for S. In fact, they had just told us there was no way we would hear anything until after the first of the year and possibly even until Spring when we talked with them right about this time last year. Then, lo and behold, we got the call out of the blue! They were as shocked as we were. Hang in there. It seems like things get most frustrating right before they change. You're in my prayers. By the way, congrats on your new ride! It looks very nice!
Joy - my last adoption was with a very reputable agency and, Adoption Options who is highly respected in many regions. I chose the route of quick referral and torturous wait (Ekaterinburg) but I know other families who have had nothing but good experiences with them. They're out of San Diego and the Director's name is Brent Yoder. I would never refer my first agency and am done with the adoption(s) now but, if you are not "sure" about your agency then switching to one you can trust might help you through this. If you want to know more about them you can email me at hardestyla@yahoo.com.
Good luck - It is so great once it's done I HOPE you don't give up now!!!! Once you have your child(ren) you won't be able to imagine life without them.
Lori
Joy,
You know my story. . .all I can tell you is that it is all worth it. . .the not knowing, the wait, the pain of it all and even the expense. When I hold my little dudely and look in his face. . .and when he hugs my leg and says, "My Mama!" I would do again, all of it, in a heartbeat.
Of cours, though, only you and Gerard know what is right for you and Gerard. Keep praying about it. God has the answer for you, even if it isn't clear right now.
Much love and prayers for you!
Joy,
Are you reading my mind? True...I don't know all your details (ins/outs) nor do you know mine, but it is a hard decision to come to where we are and I am truly feeling just as impatient as you. I also wanted the fairy tale. I DO hope for the very best for both of us! I'm still going to keep the course myself (for now). I hope, hope, hope we hear something SOON!
-Joanne
Joy,
I think I have started this post 3 or 4 times only to not quite know what to write or get interrupted by Ryan.
Forgive me if this gets long. I had 2 kids when I met my husband. I wasn't sure I wanted any more. I was older and pretty well comfortable with the life I was living. One day he just asked, "Would you be willing to have a child together, I love your 2 so much, but I just need to hear someone call ME daddy." My heart about broke. I had heard of maternal instinct, but it never crossed my mind that it was pulling at him too. Maybe that is where Gerard is at.
So 3 stillbirths, 2 miscarriages, a bunch of failed attempts to adopt, we FINALLY got our baby boy home. It was a journey that most people thought we were crazy to keep going on, but it was all worth it when Ryan said dada the first time and tears flowed out of my husbands eyes. (Heck, he likes it so much, he is considering adopting again).
There are some good agencies that will take clients on when they are stuck with another agency. Mine was one of them, we didnt have a lot to redo and that really helped with costs. We used EAC.
I will be thinking about you and sending good thoughts your way.
HUGS!
Joy,
Sometimes faith is the hardest thing to have. God has a plan for you and Gerald (you just don't know what it is yet). I have a favorite saying, and hopefully it will help.
"If you ever want to know where you are suppose to be in life, look at your feet"
I will be thinking of you.
Stephanie
Oh no you don't! You can't leave me here waiting for a baby all alone. Keep your chin up. You are in a good region and your baby is waiting for you...he may not be off the registry until February... I have heard that sometimes they match you with a child and then wait until they are off the registry to refer...don't know if this is the case or not. I think it is a really great idea to think and pray over it and wait on the paperwork....maybe a serious discussion with the agency about your wait would help and it does not hurt to ask to speak to the director...you have been very patient. Besides, I think that new car could fit at least 4 kids!
Ha.
Hang in there...it IS going to happen.
I can't talk about pregnancy. But what I can tell you is that Dave and I were so very close to giving up. We hit out all time low. Go back to my archives in April this year and you can read it. I was so close to giving up that I told Dave that I just wanted to finish the year and if we weren't matched by then I wanted to quit.
I know that we had the perfect outcome in that the very next week we got our call. But don't give up unless you are absolutely sure that you don't want this. The wait lengthens over time. That's a part of adoption. I don't mean to be harsh but that's what we all signed up for when we decided to become parents through adoption.
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