A chicken in every pot...

This year has had many ups and downs. Exactly a year ago I was sitting on my sofa typing my New Years Eve Post trying my best to be upbeat. I read it today right before I started typing this one, in so many ways it seems like yesterday and in others it seems like it was decades ago.

I had been distraught because of financial issues that my agency was having. Quite honestly I remember thinking this might be the end of the journey for me. If the agency was going under I would have had to postpone my adoption for at least a year to recoup the money that I would have lost. Luckily, I did not have to do that who would have know that my planned trip to Michigan for a very grim meeting with the agency would have had so many silver linings. I got to meet in person Jolynn and Rich as well as Lori and Kevin. Both couples have become families welcoming a baby boy for Jolynn and a little girl for Lori.

I think the saying 'A chicken in every pot...' really sums up how I have been feeling lately. I am blessed even in my moments of stress I have a little one who reminds me of that everyday. This year is so different then last year in only the best ways. Happy New Year to all,may 2010 bring only joyous surprises and memories to all.

Rise and Shine

Sleeping has been getting better but with the holidays Anna's schedule got a little crazy. Yesterday she woke up late like 10 am, usually she gets up between 8:30 and 9 am which pushed back nap time and night time which makes things harder.

Anna and I sleep together. This is one thing that I think has been a blessing for her and me. I really believe that co-sleeping at this age for her has been a major benefit for her. In the early days sleep was more of a nightmare then a pleasure. Nap time was only achieved by walking her for about an hour. With the cold weather walking is hard.

Which brings us to this morning I got up about 7 am and with that a little head popped up. I told her it was okay to lay her head back down and sleep a little more. She did sleep for about another 30 minutes which was nice for me, then I heard a little bump and feet walking with determination a dog in one hand and a baby in the other. In the last month we have practiced holding in the morning this morning she climbed into my lap and laid her head down for some Mommy time.

After a morning of picking up the wave of toys and folding laundry I realized that food is important so grocery shopping was on my list for today. So this afternoon I started to get her dressed (yes we stay in our PJs until noon most days) when she asked for a "ba ba" I laid her down, put on the music and she was out cold in 10 minutes.

So to make this long story much shorter sleep time is getting easier and more of a pleasure less of a nightmare.

Merry Christmas...belated

This holiday was so different from past years. There had been a bit of a struggle as to everyone's roles and how they have changed within the family but with time I am hoping that it will all straighten itself out too. I had intended on posting something to the blog much sooner then this. Quite funny how I talk about you all who read it and feel bad when I have let a few days elapse.

This is officially the first Christmas that I have spent at home for both Christmas Eve and Christmas day in 20 years. Usually none of the Christmas holiday is spent at my house but we felt that it was extremely important for Anna to be home for all the holidays this year and that was the best decision that we made. Were there hurt feels as a result of this decision...yes for that I am sad but I hope in the end that those who were hurt have gained a new understanding that we are a small family within a much larger family one. Protecting, nurturing and giving Anna the best childhood that we can is our number one job everything else is second.

Was everything picture perfect as in my dreams...yes and no...most of it was better. I never cease to be amazed as to how busy I am these days. I did not get to finish Anna's stocking so instead she used my stocking that was made by my Grandmother when I was very young. Actually, I never remember any other stocking so it might just be my first and only stocking. I have realized that I may have to start next week to prepare for next year so much to do.

For Christmas Eve I decided that I would rather spend my time resting (I worked into Christmas Eve and the day before) then cooking so at the last minute I decided to have it catered. Best decision I ever made and will probably be repeated next year too. Gerard's parents sister, BIL and 2 of my sisters plus nieces were over to spend time with us. I think this amazed Anna because for the most part we have tried our best to keep her world as small as possible. What a difference from Thanksgiving.

Actually when I think about it Thanksgiving was a turning point for Anna in a way. The following day her eating started to pick up. She tried a few new things and now will eat turkey and hot dogs. We still struggle to get the 1000 calories into her everyday but I am hopeful that this will become easier with time.

On Christmas Eve she opened a couple of presents. Some of her favorites were a memory game and one of the coolest baby dolls I have ever seen. The doll was purchased at T@rget, the baby is so life like. Of course the clothes were taken off immediately why do kids do that? I will tell you that Anna is very attentive to this baby. For the first hour she really did not want anyone else to take "care" of her baby except her or myself. The baby drinks from a bottle, blinks its eyes, giggles, cries and even falls asleep after it has been fed for an extended period of time.

The little dog in the picture is coconut, Jillian's baby. Coconut sometimes comes when Jillian is watching Anna. They have become fast friends. Thank goodness coconut is pretty fast or Anna would be holding her non-stop.

Christmas morning she woke up to find that Santa had left her a pink retro kitchen. What a neat gift. She has literately played with it for hours at a time. I struggle with do I leave it in the living room or put it in her bedroom. Coconut was with us on Christmas morning as Anna was playing with her kitchen opening and closing the doors I could see what she was thinking. 'That dog is small enough to fit in the cabinet' The chase was on and coconut escaped each and every time. Honestly coconut had nothing to worry about because I would have stepped in if she did actually caught her.

She also got a little mouse that runs around from her playmate Samantha. Suddenly I saw that look come across her face again with a spring in her step she walked it straight to the pink retro kitchen and in the cabinet the mouse went. I must remind my Mother of that because mice freak her out.

I found the best key chain on Etsy for Gerard from Anna. Small and flat (he does not use a key chain one of those OCD things even though he has a number of different keys) on it hand stamped it said "I have a hero, his name is Daddy". To say he loved it would be an understatement.

The entire day was spent in our PJs. Later in the afternoon as Gerard and I were sitting on the sofa exhausted he grabbed my hand and just said "Look at her, she is here just playing." I think he was starting to tear up. I have dreamed about this day for so many years that I can not remember not dreaming about it now it is reality.

This is why I love him

I know that there are many that do not understand why I could love a man who is so quirky. Here is one reason, in pain and I mean real pain not being able to stand up pain he made a snowman with Anna without a complaint!




This is reason 4,587 why I love him.

2-4-6-24....

You all know that I love numbers so each one of these numbers does have a meaning. First of all I just can not believe that it has been this long since I have posted something but I can explain. I worked into the snow storm and was extremely lucky to not have to go back to work. The snow is still well above my knee and yes I do know that I am short but not that short but I easily had 24 inches in my front yard.

So 2 equals the number of days Gerard was in the hospital for his 4mm and 6mm kidney stones which he is yet to pass and is not expected to pass without intervention. The poor guys makes that a lot of them so I knew exactly what it was when he crawled into the house from shoveling the driveway. Poor Anna was so distressed to see him like that. The poor thing kept bringing him different things to make him laugh or smile.

Finally she gave him a seagull and even made the sound for him. When none of that worked she kissed him then looked at me to reassure her that she was doing the right thing. I guess she is really getting it that she needs to come to us for comfort because this was her instinct to make him better. On the long trip to the hospital this is what we talked about to keep his mind off the pain. She has come so far in such a short period of time.

No cookies were harmed!

This morning I decided that we will be making some cookies. In my mind I knew that this was one thing that I wanted to do with her this year and hopefully continue to do it every year.

The Christmas before my Father died we made cookies, this is something that both of my parents would do with us. Actually the bowl that I used that year is the same bowl that I remember making oatmeal raisin cookies with my Mother for the first time. Yes this is the very same bowl that we used today.

That Christmas before my Father died I had found a new recipe, Russian tea cookies. He told me that they were his new favorite cookies. I had forgot that until this morning when I was chopping the nuts. Little did I know that 12 years later I would be making them with my Russian born daughter. Connections are amazing when you take the time to remember and make memories. These are good times and good memories are being made.

Words, Words, Words

I will tell you for the most part Anna is spot on developmentally, actually I think she is pretty advance in terms of her fine motor skills. Clever is a good word to because her. I admit to diverting her attention away from things I do not want her to learn yet, like opening the door, the stove and way too many other things to count.

Here is where the big but comes in, her speech! When I picked up Anna she did not speak. I was told that she was fluent in Russian but quite honestly I am pretty sure that she was not. Once home she started to babble a bit. I had decided to wait on a speech therapy evaluation until we were home a couple of months.

The sounds that she made were small and high pitched when she was first home. I remember thinking WOW is she quiet and I was concerned about that. I think the obvious things ran through my mind first being can she hear? The answer to that is yes she can hear. Honestly knowing that has helped to ease my fears of her delayed speech.

I remember the first time she yelled. The delight on her face was amazing so for a couple of days she was yell and mostly I think to see my reaction. Thankfully that has stopped. I have noticed that she has been babbling more on her play cellular phone then ever. I thought I will miss that when she does start talking. You would have thought that she heard me think it.

In the last week she has started saying words. Are you ready... here they are...juice, this, that and one. If I ask her to say one she does then starts to dance. Too funny! She looks so happy after repeating the word that I have asked her to say. This leads me to believe that she may have been a bit frustated by not speaking.

I will miss the Baka, baka, baka that she currently is saying. I guess I have to find the video camera and get it on film before it is a memory that only Gerard and I will cherish.

Pondering a Christmas card photo

I feel so behind this year. Usually I am done with decorating, gift buying. I used to pride myself in having my Christmas cards out in a timely manner. I had wanted to send a card with all our pictures on it this year. Yes, Gerard agreed to having his face on a Christmas card. In all the craziness of life we only had one opportunity to dress in festive clothes when we went to tag a tree.

We counted on someone else taking advantage of the beautiful day to do the same and hopefully take a professional like photo of the 3 of us capturing this once in a lifetime moment. Well if you count the horse there were four of us in the field. The horse by far won out over any Christmas tree we tried to pick. I say don't fight it so we spent more time just looking at the horse.

So I have about 6 pictures to work with for a Christmas card. Honestly I am still not sure that I will even be sending one because of the time constraints, we will see.

Now do not faint yes that is him.

I figured out why...

So since Thanksgiving Anna has been putting everything up her nose. Strange I thought because she never did this before. What is different?

I have plucked stickers, crayons and yes even crackers out of her nose the past 2 weeks. Actually, it reminded me of a time when I was about her age. I had stuffed 2 shells up my nose. Was it an accident...Nope I remember doing it, intended on doing it. The adventure cost my parents a trip to the ER. Yes my Mother still has those shells. They were very expensive shells after all.

So my sister and Sloan came over to my Mother's house last night in preparation for another trip to NYC tomorrow. My Mother is now on oxygen. So yesterday Anna seized her moment when my Mother took off her oxygen. Anna grabbed in and stuffed it up her nose.

So that is what is different. I have to say it did make my Mother laugh.

Pjs are in!

I have to say I can not remember ever being so excited over pajamas. This year it will be Christmas light, or in other words a streamlined Christmas in terms of gift giving. I am sure that many can appreciate that this year has been a very expensive year. Being out of work with my broken arm was not a help either.

I am thankful that I have all I do. I am not talking about the material things because they come and go. Since Anna has been home we are realizing just how important spending time together is. Gerard and I are story tellers to some degree, we love a good laugh and Anna has brightened our lives in ways I never thought was possible. Believe me I could talk all day about her and probably do.

Santa will have gifts for Anna because he knows that she has been a very good little girl but really it is so not about the gifts this year. I feel like it is more about the memories of seeing her face everyday and knowing that I she is here where she belongs. I so wish you all could see her in person because you would know what I am talking about she is funny and a bit quirky.

I have said it before I am not a size 2 I know that. I am thankful that the PJs fit and I will not need my girdle for Christmas morning.

How did I do (This post is for Polly)

First of all Polly I am so sorry for your loss. I have been trying to get a minute to sit down to respond to you. Losing a pet who is more like a family member rather then a four legged object is hard.

I am not quite sure how I made it through the decision to let Dottie go. I will say that she had been sick for so long and many of her subtle differences were only noticed by me. When I saw her suffering I knew in my heart that she deserved much better then that and even though it was painful I did what I thought would give her the most peace.

I am not sure if I ever told any of you I am not a dog person or I was not a dog person. Growing up we had a number of different dogs and for the life of me I can not remember ever being attached to anyone of them. There was no defining moment of getting or losing one that I can remember. Dottie was originally my sister's dog that she rescued from a shelter. She had taken a job that made having a dog impossible so my Mother took Dottie. I had moved in with my Mother when I was building one of my houses. I had nothing but time on my hands. Dottie was quite the unique dog. She did not bark, lick or scratch. Sounds crazy but it was so true. Most of my neighbors did not realize I had a dog at first. She was quirky and I think that is why I really liked her at first.

Dottie became very attached to me right away and I grew to love her more then I ever imagined I would. Yes I am the type that let her sleep in bed with me. Dottie became a permanent fixture and I went no where for almost 18 months without her while my house was being built. When I moved into my house she had become so used to being on a leash that she would not go outside alone, ever. In retrospect she probably had an anxious attachment to me.

I spent months worrying that Dottie would not take well to having a small child around. Then when she got sick I worried that she would become seriously ill while I was in Russia. I made Gerard promise that he would not let her suffer if I was in Russia. What a relief it was to come home and see that she was okay. What an even bigger relief it was to see that Anna was not afraid of her nor she of Anna. With that being said I am probably overly cautious and never left the two alone together.

Anna became used to Dottie leaving for a couple of days to Gerard's parents house when I took my Mother to NYC for appointments. Recently, Anna has become very interested in looking for Dottie. She keeps bringing me pictures of her and looks at them puzzled "like where is she?" That has been hard. I never thought she would become attached to Dottie so quickly.

As for me I think to some degree I have ignored the thought that she is gone. I think to some degree I am on overload of emotions right now. My home is so quiet even with Anna. Will we have another dog the answer is yes and it will be another dog from a shelter.

No dog will ever replace Dottie or be as quirky in my eyes. Grief that a person experiences when a person is dying or has died is different for everyone. I have had the privilege to be in the company of many people who are passing on. Yes, I do consider it a privilege. I am one of those rare people who have the privledge of witnessing the birth of a children which is amazing and I am sad for those who will never see this. Truly, it is God's work.

Being in the company of a person who is passing is different and probably more defining then being at a birth in my opinion. I remember my first patient who died in nursing school like it was yesterday but can not recall much of the first birht I witnessed. Being present when a person passes can be equally as beautiful as a birth. Knowing that this person is being carried to heaven to meet the Lord is amazing. It has been my experience that most pass not in the company of a nurse or loved one but alone so to be there is rare.

I have also had the privilege to talk with many who flat out know they are dying. I know it is hard to know me well just through what I write here but I will tell you that I speak my mind and try my best to listen carefully to others. So many times I have been asked "Why does God put me through this, How come he will not take me?" Quite simply I feel that in many cases your work here on earth is not yet done. As Dottie's work here was not done. She wanted to know that I was going to be okay without her.

Sometimes it is a family member who needs time to adjust to the thought of losing the person they love. Sometimes it is a perfect stranger who needs to learn the lesson of compassion or patience or to see that it takes no longer to be kind in your actions then it does to be fresh or mean spirited. I also believe that sometimes it is the person who needs to get right with themselves before God hence these are the individuals who pass alone.

Our time here on this earth is so short. If you live to be 200 years old that may equal a blink of the eye in heaven. Am I less sad because I know this well sometimes, right now I will say I am tearing up a bit. Polly thank you so much for asking me this question, you are the person who I needed in my life to help me start to grieve the loss of Dottie. Amazing how a "stranger" (even though you are no stranger to me) can help another. I have thought of you often this week, you and your family will be in my prayers when ever I think of Dottie.

Wild Turkey on the loose

Could not resist this when I saw it. So on the menu is wild turkey. I firgure with so many people in the house how can she not be wild. I also love to admit that she loves to wear it when playing out side. I will be sad when she grows out of it.

Yup we are doing it...

I love seeing things through Anna's eyes. Yes I am that goofy that I think matching pajamas are necessary for Christmas morning. After a long conversation with Santa Claus and much discussion about the style and color of the PJs a conclusion has been reached. We will have matching red PJs with our names on them as follows, Mommy,Daddy and Silly Goose.

Potty talk

This morning Gerard and I had decided that we wanted to do 'something' but we were not really sure what to do. I hope to be able to get some Christmas type photos today in the hopes of getting my Christmas cards ready to mail out. I secretly like to be the first to send them out. Since only a few of my family members send out cards it can be quite easy to do.

Gerard had left to get my car washed, vacuumed, an oil change and tire rotation (I ignore that stuff thank goodness he does not) I picked up the house. Does anyone else feel like they are constantly picking up. Anna came to me grabbing her diaper so off to change her diaper. For fun at times I put her on the pot with a book mostly to just keep her busy. Well today she got up what a surprise she left. Poop and pee-pee! We flushed after a picture of course that I will stare you all from seeing. I did text it to a couple of people I will admit.

I am so amazed by the things that she just does. We are not actively or were not actively potty training. I really only put it there so that its addition to the bathroom and use would not be scary. Today is a good day.

Hoping for a week of calm*** edited to add important news***

First of all I want to thank everyone for their support and prayers. These past few weeks have been extremely on me and my family. I am hoping that the next few weeks will be a little calmer, even as I write this I am laughing because we will just begin to gear up for the holidays.

I do have some very positive things to post that actually I did not realize were very positive until my previous post and mostly because of the comments that you all left. So things might even surprise you all. Of course I need 15 minutes to start to write it so who knows when that will be.

While I was gone there were a few funny stories that I think you might like.

First was Gerard was watching her on the monitor so she did not realize he was watching. Anna is so aware of babies and her babies that it cracks me up. Gerard noticed it too so some times we just watch to see what she will do next with them. She had been trying to put her baby glow worm to sleep for about 15 minutes, wrapping, diaper changing, rocking (not in the bad way) and singing to her, then she tucked her in and told her to go to sleep by gentle putting her finger to her finger to her mouth and saying "shhhhh"

I have also been told that the one day she pooped, it was quite hard she walked by pulled at her diaper did a little shake and out the poop came. Then she when on with her playing. She is a smart kid.

I have been know to trouble shoot from the phone for Gerard, this past weekend it was necessary to leave him abruptly with Anna. He really does like to be alone with her yet but he is getting much better. Here is how the conversation went:

Gerard: It looks like the Silly Goose is walking on egg shells after riding a horse what does that mean?

Me: Well I think she pooped!

Gerard: Oh I don't think so she would not do that to me!

Me: Smell her bottom

Gerard: Bozz she did poop!! Help!

Thank goodness family lives so close by is all I have to say.

***Today marks 3 months at home as a family***

The unspoken truth about attachment

I have come to realize over the past couple of days that I think perhaps it is me who is having more difficulty with the attachment and bonding. Please reserve judgement of me until you have completely read this post.

When I was waiting for Anna to come home I read quite a bit about attachment and bonding. This is a two way street and many times I think that the discussion focuses on the child not attaching to the parent when in fact many times I think there could be an issue with the parent as well.

I am not going to make excuses but to some degree I think that because of my own personal history, occupation, attachment literature and international adoption in general actually set me up to fail before I ever made a trip to meet Anna. Before I go on I know that in the recent news there has been a woman and others who have sought out disruption of their adoption by no means is this my intention or even on the radar but I do have compassion for those who have felt this was in the best interest of the child. That is not the case here.

I would like to explain some of what I have just written because I know that out there some one is already mad at reading this entry. I have disclosed some of my personal history here but to no means all my history. I will tell you that I never attempted infertility treatments quite frankly because I knew that emotionally I would have a very hard time each month knowing that I was not pregnant and then knowing I was pregnant. So when I did not become pregnant when I first started out even though I was sad in my case infertility was NOT an option. I know that the advances in infertility treatment have helped so many to realize their dream of becoming a mother but I could never seem to get past the fact that I may have one or more losses along the way or worst never become pregnant.

So to some degree I shut myself down to caring or wanting to become a Mother in an attempt to protect my feelings then the decision to adopt was made. I also know that the most recent events in my family have had a severe impact on me attaching to Anna. When you are faced with one of the most defining loses of a person's life, (potentially losing your Mother) there are so many other emotions that you feel. To some degree in my mind if I become attached to Anna then I am making myself vulnerable to hurting with yet another person. I also think knowing that I seem to be the only one who is having difficulty putting her to sleep and getting her too eat is also not helping.

As a nurse I have again had to wall off so many emotions just to perform my job that it may seem weird to others who have never had to do this in order to make a living. I will be the first to admit that I feel as though I have done this many times and in many ways over the past 2 months. I have always tended to be a critical thinker and less of an emotional thinker. This is another reason why the death of my Father hit me so hard in many ways which by the way I actually did not start to grieve until about 2 months after his death. I do not expect others to understand but please understand that I am aware of my short comings in this area and I am working on repairing this.

Which brings me to attachment literature, anyone who has read even one book about attachment and adoption has read about the extreme challenges that some have had to face when they grow their family through adoption. Also know that attachment and bonding issue can also arise when the child is biologically yours. I think this is another reason why I got so heavily engrossed in reading blogs before Anna came home. I needed to know that it does work out that attachment and bonding does happen most of the time. I understand the need for the worst case scenario to be presented in this literature because I believe about 1/3 of families deal with severe attachment issues. That is not us however.

The process of international adopt also impacts potential adoptive parents in the form of law changes, excessive paperwork and financial burden. For me there was the constant threat that I would not be able to become Anna's Mother. In retrospect it seemed that I dealt with the wait well but when I read over my previous posts I could tell that I was holding back my heart and feeling towards Anna. Did I care for her and want her home YES, but I just knew that it was what was best for her rather living in an orphanage.

International adoption from the child's stand point at least in my experience is also damaging. Anna spent years not knowing a Mother's or Father's love. Yes she was cared for and feed I even like to think that they were sad when she left. I have felt that type of sadness when I have cared for a baby in the nursery for longer then the typical 2-3 days but by no means is that the sadness that a Mother would feel knowing that her baby will never be in her arms again.

I know this all sound so bleak, a little depressing and sort of concerning. I want you all to know that I do think Anna is very attached to Gerard and he to her. She carries her picture around non-stop, looks for him and has even been able to pick out pictures of him from when he was younger.

Anna is attaching to me as well but slower then to him. I have a lot more competition then he has. I think many did not understand it until a conversation that I had with my sister when she told me that I needed to be more fun. To that I responded that when others are more "fun" then I am in the room not only am I less "fun" but I become the one who is keeping her from the one who IS "fun". I think she finally realized what I was talking about.

Am I taking care or at least making sure that all her needs are being met---YES! Doing I love spending time with Anna---YES! Would I love to spend every minute with her---YES! This is exactly what I am trying to do. Attachment and bonding will come this I do know but I do think that it will take a little more time then I thought. I read some where once fake it til you make it. There are so many factors when it comes to attachment.

Leaps and Bounds

We are all home from NYC. Yes even my Mother. She is improving by leaps and bounds everyday. Thank you all for keeping my family in your thoughts and prayers.

There is so much to write about things have been so crazy busy around here that I can hardly think straight. So how did Anna fair in my absents for 4 days. Well better then I would have thought in many respects.

When I came home she recognized me hugged my leg then ran straight to Gerard. Jillian left shortly after I can home and it was late so I started the usual routine for bedtime and was met with a child who was so confused that all she could do was cry. Thank goodness Gerard had taken one more night off because he was the only one who could calm her down.

In the morning things seemed better but again tonight she had a rough time going to bed. One thing that we have started is using a meditational CD for healing and sleep. I found that this CD actually cut down the bedtime routine by over an hour. The only problem is it puts me to sleep too and usually well before she is ready to sleep.

I want to focus on attachment and bonding more now that my Mother is on the path to recovery. I have a few interesting things that I noticed as a result of my absents from Anna some good and some well I hate to say bad but more issues that I think I have rather then her.

However that will have to be another night soon. I feel as though I have not really slept in over a week.

She is out of surgery

I would have posted last night but even though it was 8 pm it felt like I had been up for days. The surgery is over she has been in the ICU. She has been having quite a bit of difficlty breathing but she is not on a ventilator. This morning the nurse said she was doing better but the nurse in me will only believe it when I see it with my own two eyes.

I am not surprised by her condition although my sisters are. Oh how nice it would have been to be in the dark for even a short time. I am praying that her lung function improves changes are coming for my family. I know that we are up for it even if others do not realize it right now.

Surgery scheduled

I feel like this day has already been too long. We leave for the hospital at 2:30 am so that we can be checked in for 5:30 am. Today the cancer will be removed from my Mother by removing part of her lung. Wow that sounds too graphic. Did I ever tell you that I can not watch surgery on TV because it makes me sick but love it in person, weird right. To say I am worried is an unestimation of how I feel right now. I guess that is why even though I should be sleeping I am up blogging.

My bag is packed and I plan to stay in NYC for a couple of days. As if the guilt of leaving Anna was not enough she is also now sick for the first time and I will not be able to be home with her to wipe her never ending stream of slime coming out of her nose. I still think it is better for Anna to remain in her environment rather then being in the hospital waiting or in a strange hotel without her things.

Gerard is off and Jillian & Jaime will be here for her as we have done each time I have had to leave. Jillian moving back from Seattle could not have happened at a better time for our family. Jaime told me the other day she now realises how hard it is to leave your child for someone else to care for. I am trying not to think about this much because the words that run through my head about leaving her make it worse for me which in turn makes it worse for Anna because then I start to over analize her behaviors.

So now I am off to finish up the remaining chores on my list while everyone sleeps.

Did you see that moon last night

Yes it looked like a full moon last night but that is not the one I am talking about. Let me elaborate. I took Anna to the mall because Gerard needed us out of the house for a while. Great I thought let me take Anna for some pictures.

Anna is just like you would imagine, to say she is full of energy is a serious under statement, wiggly, fast able to jump tall buildings and all. So I am continuously picking her up and she is wiggling.

Well her foot got caught in my jean pocket and I guess they are a size too big because down they came. So that is my 'Moon over the Mall story!'

Things are different here without Dottie

I will not lie this past couple of days life has been hard. Today is a new day. The house is more quiet right now then usual. On Saturday Dottie came home from Gerard's parents house and was more quiet then usual. I just had that feeling that this was going to be the end. So no costume this year for her just a warm blanket and a little water.

Sunday evening I moved her bed to the living room and set her up with big fluffy blankets and made the decision that Monday I would take her to the doctors. So yesterday Gerard, Chippy (Gerard's Dad) and I loaded her into the car and took her to see the doctor.

Dottie is now at peace. I am thankful for how quick the whole process took. I laid there with her and told it would be okay. I am sad for me but not for her. She is in heaven running around playing with her baby.

I want to thank everyone who has been praying for her over the past year. I think Dottie suck it out for me. She is probably the only one who had seen me so upset when I was waiting for Anna to come. Now that Anna is here and adjusting she knows things will be okay.

Here are some of my favorite picture of her, most are ones that you all have already seen.

She was quite a busy little bee

From the moment I met Anna she was busy. Actually that is just how I described her to Gerard when I was in Russia and leaving the baby home for the first time. So I have to say I just knew that this year for Halloween she was going to be a bee.

I originally thought that I would have time to make her costume but life got in the way. Actually, I am quite glad that I did not because to spend time with her instead. Next year I will be more organized. So this year I got on on sale for less then 9 dollars.

She loves to put it on walk around the house and yes even play outside in it. I think it is too cute that she thinks it is part of her outdoor attire so I let her.

Yesterday she laid down for her nap later then I would have liked but she still got a good 1.5 hours in before the door bell rang. She sprung out of bed just in time to see the kids dressed in their costumes. I do not think I have ever seen her take off her clothes that fast and jump yes jump into her bee suit.

Gerard and I had decided that she would only be going to a few houses directly next door and to our families for a visit. I have never really thought about it but because we are working on the bonding an attachment for the first time I thought wow it is pretty strange to got to a random house and ring the bell for candy. Actually this goes against everything that I have been trying to do for the past 2 months.

So it just turned into more of showing off her bee suit and less about the candy. I was pleasantly surprised that she had reservation about going up to a strangers door or taking candy from them. She only wanted Gerard or I to hold her. Which made me very happy.

It is safe to use ebay again

I wish I were talented enough to make the dresses Anna has been photographed in but the answer is no. Some have been purchased on a web site called 'The best dressed child' and other were from ebay. This one was from ebay and really looks as though it was only worn once or twice.

I just love these types of clothes but paying full price would kill my budget. If you like this dress just wait until you see the Christmas one. The dress pictured below is the one I will use for Thanksgiving. I was inspired by Kristine's pictures of her children in the leaves.

My sister and I have been a bit obsessed with e bay. Do your remember the Sunshine family? We used to play with that for hours. Having Sloan, Hans and Anna all together reminds us of times when we were young.

So now that we have won the whole Sunshine family we are trying for some vintage little people. I think with Christmas right around the corner and all the changes in the family right now we are feeling a little sentimental. I am hoping to win an airplane and a house for them to play with.

Isn't it funny how you can picture things from your childhood with such detail and how it evokes fond memories. I wonder what things Anna will remember? I wonder if Sloan, Hans and Anna will have fond memories of the time that they had to spend together because we had to leave them to help my Mother. Wouldn't that be cool if their memories of this point in time were all filled with the fun time that they spent together.

Fall days are here!

Fall days is there anything better...

The magic playhouse...

The weather finally broke last week enough for Gerard and his Father to put together Anna's playhouse that was given to her by my friends from work. Anna and I were out when they put it together, honestly I really think she had no idea what it was in the box.

I got the call to come home that it was ready so home we went. When we got in for her is was business as usual but the three of us knew that would change as soon as she saw the magic playhouse.

We called her out to the back deck and she walked onto the deck spotted the playhouse then did a double take. I am pretty sure I was not seen her walk that fast ever as she sprinted on the deck to see it close up. She inspected everything and the grin on her face was from ear to ear. When she went down the slide her first instinct was to clap when she hit the bottom. Excited really does not accurately describe how she was playing on it.

Seeing these moments makes the hard times worth it. To hear her giggle and see the excitement on her face gives me strength. We will make it through all the hard times as long as I can reflect on these precious moments.

So the next day you would have thought that she would have ran out to the magic playhouse as soon as her eyes were open. Nope! I was shocked but okay with it because I knew Sloan was coming over to play with her so I waited. She played with everything like usual and was happy never going to the back door.

Once Sloan got here we took them out back I waited to see her reaction which was the same as the night before. Then I caught her looking around the back yard. I think in her mind she was expecting the magic playhouse to be gone as fast as it had arrived. I also think she was looking to make she that there were no other magic playhouses in the yard that she did not see.

So why am I calling it the magic playhouse well because it has magic powers of course. Sloan and Anna were still playing at lunch time. We made there lunch and took it to the magic playhouse. For the first time Anna not only ate a chicken nugget but she ate two. Here is where the magic part comes in she will only eat them in the playhouse so far. Who knows I may have to dust off the snow so that she will eat. I guess I better get a warm winter coat this year.

First time not putting her to sleep and biospy report is back

Where has the time gone. I can not believe that Tuesday was the last time I posted something. Not that things have not been moving and shaking around here it has just been too crazy to take 5 minutes to think straight.

I went back to work 2 nights in a row. Of course I worried about leaving her but the reports were good. She and Jillian did well in my absence and Anna fell asleep without crying. Here is where the but gets inserted. My first night putting her to sleep was like burning in H.

She actually did not fall asleep until well after 1 am and woke back up at 5 am. To add to the sleeplessness she refused her nap. I tried everything, a walk, warm bottle, rocking, car ride. Nothing! I have not seen this level of sheer exhaustion in her since my trip home.

I know in my heart that this was a result of me not being home for those 2 nights. Me putting her to bed has been the one thing that has been consistent. So tonight I was a bit nervous. I think it went well in total it took about 2 hours to get her down which is about the normal amount of time it takes me. I know this should get easier, I hope and pray this gets easier.

I know that so many of you have gone through this same transition of returning to work and you feel my pain. This are the times that I wonder why the movement to a dual income family has been the way of the future. If I could stay home I would, believe me I have not stopped thinking or trying to find a way to do it.

Now the news that I hoped that I never thought I would have to say. I got the biopsy report back on Friday. Yes my Mother has lung cancer wow that is hard to say, write and think. When I first started this journey with her I was certain that the biopsy report was going to come back with this news but on the day of her biopsy I had convinced myself that she did not have cancer. Funny how your mind works. I guess when I got the actual report I was shocked and relieved to finally have a name attached to what it is. Adenocarcinoma.

I had to process the information for myself and I will tell you that yes the glass is half full not half empty. I believe that the type of cancer that she has is one that is curable with surgery. I am very confident that the surgeon that she we have chosen is to right man for the job. So Wednesday we will travel to NYC to discuss her options and have her pre-surgical testing completed. We will make it through this bump in the road.

Today is a beautiful day

I woke up late today. In guess my body was tired from yesterday. Even Anna is still sleeping and it is close to 10 am. My Mother did well during the biopsy of her lung. I hope to know something by the end of the week. I pray it is all good.

In other news please stop bidding against me on e bay. The cat is out of the bag a couple of her dresses are from e bay. Yes, I am trying to win one for Thanksgiving so I will let you all know when you can start bidding again.

In other news I have made the decision to go back to work this week. The decision was a difficult one but a necessary one for right now. I am sad at the thought of leaving her but I know she will survive and still thrive. I will not lie I had a very hard time making that decision. I hope and pray that it was the right decision.

So today the rain has finally stopped and the sun is shining. My sister is still here in town with my Mother so I will probably be spending the day with them. What a beautiful day today will be.

Hans' Christening

Gerard and I are so lucky to have Jaime, Greg and Hans so close. Actually, I have quite a bit of family who lives close by so I am extra lucky. Jaime and Greg asked us to be Hans' God parents so not only do I have a Great nephew but I am also his God mother.

I had told Jaime that she could pick out any outfit she wanted for him and that we would buy it for his big day. Instead she walked into my sewing room and picked out the fabrics that she wanted. I will post a picture after I get her approval. So Friday we tried on his gown and that is when I realized that I had not finished it. So bright and early this morning I had to finish the closures and make a bonnet. Yup, she wanted him in a gown. Yup, that is me grinning from ear to ear. He was so sweet in church.I will never forget the way his whole face lite up when he heard the priest bless the water.

By the way there was plenty of water to go around the island where the church was has been flooded for 2 days making getting to the church quite difficult but we all made it. Gerard almost did not make it as he was coming from work and had been fighting flooding for over an hour near where he works, then by home then by the church. Literately, the priest said will the God parents please come up and he never missed a step and walked down the aisle straight onto the alter.

Anna was fun at church too, she was allowed to come up with us because surprise, surprise she only wanted me or him no one else. When she saw the water off came the shoes because she was thinking this is great lets all take a dip.

I know I should be sleeping but I am waiting for Gerard's parents to pick up Dottie. Tomorrow is an early day and I will be on the road for NYC by 3:45 am for my Mother's biopsy at 6:30am. I still feel like I have so much to still do.

So how was work you ask?

Yes I was scheduled to go back to work on Thursday night and Friday night but for reasons I can not discuss that plan was changed. No my Mother is doing well, nervous but still doing well. I found out on Friday that her heart is very healthy and she can have surgery if needed. She is scheduled for a biopsy on Monday morning and I am hoping for the best.

The plan for work right now is that I am do back on Wednesday and Thursday night. I have not decided if I am going back as of yet. We are looking into many different options right now. Leaving her home without me is something that I am having a hard time with. I know she cries a lot at bedtime and I just want to be there for her.

As for today I think we might be going to see my sister at her son's school fair. She is too funny she started a booth at the fair where she is going to sell bags made of recycled denim but the funny thing is she does not sew. My poor Mother and I were roped into helping. We did have fun making the bags. I always love a challenge.

It is almost 8:30 am and she is still sleeping. Yeah for me. I think I am off to the shower before she wakes up!

Gerard exposed??

Yes you all are right that was Gerard! Well sort of! That was Gerard senior also know as Chippy or Poppy. Gerard does look very similar to both his parents. That is a typical conversation at dinner believe it or not. I consider him a bit of a Mr. Potato head he has his Mother's eyes and mouth but his Father's nose. He has dark hair with a wave that has straighten some over the last couple of years or maybe it is the crew cut that he is usually sporting.

He is slim and I think it is dreadful to say he weights about 12 lbs less then I do but I am working on that. I am adopting Jaime's philosophy she wants to always weigh less then her husband. Yes, Jaime made him gain 3 lbs when she was pregnant and Greg did it happily Greg is tall and slim too.

I have to say you all gave me quite the chuckle right when I needed one the most. I had to go to NYC yesterday and this was the first day Anna was awake when I left. It was dreadful to see her melt down at the door. My Mother is doing very well. We had to obtain what is called cardiac clearance before she can have surgery. On the one test that she needed to have there seems to be a small heart issue that might need to be handled prior to any surgery.

She is scheduled for a lung biopsy on Monday. The results of that will be the determining factor of where we go from there. I am praying that it is nothing but scar tissue as I think we may have actually dodged 2 of the 4 issues right now but I will not know for certain until next week. The outlook today is light years better then when I first posted about my Mother. I can not help to think of everyone who is praying for her.

Big truck even BIGGER surprize

Before court I was very fearful of having a baby shower. Quite honestly I have never had much luck when it comes to these types of affairs for me. My Mother insisted on having a shower so I conceded to let her give me one and it was beautiful only one problem. Because of many reasons only family members were invited.

I think they scaled it back because I literately broke my arm 2 days after I agreed to let them have it. Although you all my think that I handled it well I admit I was probably a bit snappy, wait I know I was a bit snappy. I remember thinking as I looked around the room that I was missing my friends.

You have to understand they have had to endure endless nights of me talking to them until I was blue in the face about when I would go to Russia to get my baby. So I will say that I think I just felt like something was missing. They had scheduled a baby shower for me during my leave that I canceled because of doctor appointments for my Mother.

Which brings me to yesterday morning. This big truck pulled up in front of my house and out popped a man to deliver this!!!!

The box is really big just like the hearts of those who gave it to Anna and I. I can tell you that I can hardly contain my excitement and have already started to pester Gerard to put it together. I just know that Anna will have so much fun playing with it once she realizes what it is.

The words thank you seem to be not enough. I told them that she had EVERYTHING and quite honestly I meant it. They just love to prove me wrong that is why I love them!

Is there anything better then bubbles?

First off when we bought this home the back yard was dirt. Yup dirt. To say the least the people who owned our house before me made it our home did not care for it at all. Literately the house was unlivable for about 5 months. The people who owned it before us drove all the neighbors crazy and not in a good way. To the point where it took them all about 6 months to figure out that we were not them.

So about that I just get so much pleasure from my back yard that it is not even funny. I go out there every day. Anna loves to explore it too. She has started to hide behind the trees that we have planted and that is too cool.

Jillian came over to get her schedule for baby sitting because I will be back to work later this week. Originally I had planned that we would go to the lighthouse but she fell asleep on the way. We opted to head to the store for a gate for the hall instead.

When we got home I could see that Anna needed to unload some of her energy so to the back yard we went. Anna has not really liked bubbles much. I think it was because the first time I tried to blow them for her the solution got in her eye. But today is there anything better then bubbles? No way!












Yes I asked Jillian to hold her because she needs to start because she will be caring for her at night including bedtime. Anna already has a hard time at bed I want her to feel safe with Jillian. These are by far my favorite pictures so far. Sorry Gerard Jillian is much better with the camera then you are.

First REAL pony ride & an ER visit

When we were in Moscow we saw police officers or military personal on horses. The horse sound is the first animal sound that she makes but it is not like what you would expect to hear. She makes a clicking sound with her mouth just like the horses sounded as they would walk by. Of course I love that she picked up on that so I encouraged it. Now when ever she sees an animal that could be a horse she will make that sound.

I have even seen her eye up Dottie and follow her around the room making the sound. You can see her mind working that if Dottie would only stand still she might just be able to mount her for a quick ride. As for Dottie she knows to keep moving when she hears that noise behind her because she thinks she is a human and not a dog and certainly not a horse.

Pam I know you asked a while back about Dottie she is not doing well. She is only eating about 4-5 days of the week. With me traveling to NYC for my Mother she has been staying with Gerard's parents because my house looks more like a day care with 3 small children running/crawling around. I think it is better for Dottie to be there when there is so much happening here. She sits on Gerard's Father's lap like a fur shawl laying around his neck on the back of the couch.

So back to the horse of course. We took Anna to a festival that was a town over yesterday mostly because I read that they would have pony rides. We waited until almost the end of the festival because I figured there would be less people and I was right. When we got there she was just waking up from her nap. What a weird concept for children to fall asleep in one spot then wake up in another.

When she first saw the ponies I think she was in disbelief because the ones that we saw in Moscow were REALLY big. These ones were just the right size for her. I snapped a few pictures before she tired to bust out of her stroller. Then onto the June she went. There is one picture that I absolutely love because she is looking at me and smiling. I was hoping that Gerard had gotten that one and he did.

After the REAL pony ride the carousel was exciting but not nearly as much fun. The last picture is a picture of Anna and I with Gerard's Mother. It is hard to keep Anna still when she see not only water but the carousel too.

As for the ER visit it was for me not Anna. I was fixing her toy when out of the blue a screw driver came my way. At first Anna laughed then when she saw the blood she started to cry. Unfortunately it took off a small chunk of my cheek. so I will have a scar. I am so thankful though that it was me and not her and that I was not seriously hurt. So when I look at that scar that is what I will think.