How did I do (This post is for Polly)

First of all Polly I am so sorry for your loss. I have been trying to get a minute to sit down to respond to you. Losing a pet who is more like a family member rather then a four legged object is hard.

I am not quite sure how I made it through the decision to let Dottie go. I will say that she had been sick for so long and many of her subtle differences were only noticed by me. When I saw her suffering I knew in my heart that she deserved much better then that and even though it was painful I did what I thought would give her the most peace.

I am not sure if I ever told any of you I am not a dog person or I was not a dog person. Growing up we had a number of different dogs and for the life of me I can not remember ever being attached to anyone of them. There was no defining moment of getting or losing one that I can remember. Dottie was originally my sister's dog that she rescued from a shelter. She had taken a job that made having a dog impossible so my Mother took Dottie. I had moved in with my Mother when I was building one of my houses. I had nothing but time on my hands. Dottie was quite the unique dog. She did not bark, lick or scratch. Sounds crazy but it was so true. Most of my neighbors did not realize I had a dog at first. She was quirky and I think that is why I really liked her at first.

Dottie became very attached to me right away and I grew to love her more then I ever imagined I would. Yes I am the type that let her sleep in bed with me. Dottie became a permanent fixture and I went no where for almost 18 months without her while my house was being built. When I moved into my house she had become so used to being on a leash that she would not go outside alone, ever. In retrospect she probably had an anxious attachment to me.

I spent months worrying that Dottie would not take well to having a small child around. Then when she got sick I worried that she would become seriously ill while I was in Russia. I made Gerard promise that he would not let her suffer if I was in Russia. What a relief it was to come home and see that she was okay. What an even bigger relief it was to see that Anna was not afraid of her nor she of Anna. With that being said I am probably overly cautious and never left the two alone together.

Anna became used to Dottie leaving for a couple of days to Gerard's parents house when I took my Mother to NYC for appointments. Recently, Anna has become very interested in looking for Dottie. She keeps bringing me pictures of her and looks at them puzzled "like where is she?" That has been hard. I never thought she would become attached to Dottie so quickly.

As for me I think to some degree I have ignored the thought that she is gone. I think to some degree I am on overload of emotions right now. My home is so quiet even with Anna. Will we have another dog the answer is yes and it will be another dog from a shelter.

No dog will ever replace Dottie or be as quirky in my eyes. Grief that a person experiences when a person is dying or has died is different for everyone. I have had the privilege to be in the company of many people who are passing on. Yes, I do consider it a privilege. I am one of those rare people who have the privledge of witnessing the birth of a children which is amazing and I am sad for those who will never see this. Truly, it is God's work.

Being in the company of a person who is passing is different and probably more defining then being at a birth in my opinion. I remember my first patient who died in nursing school like it was yesterday but can not recall much of the first birht I witnessed. Being present when a person passes can be equally as beautiful as a birth. Knowing that this person is being carried to heaven to meet the Lord is amazing. It has been my experience that most pass not in the company of a nurse or loved one but alone so to be there is rare.

I have also had the privilege to talk with many who flat out know they are dying. I know it is hard to know me well just through what I write here but I will tell you that I speak my mind and try my best to listen carefully to others. So many times I have been asked "Why does God put me through this, How come he will not take me?" Quite simply I feel that in many cases your work here on earth is not yet done. As Dottie's work here was not done. She wanted to know that I was going to be okay without her.

Sometimes it is a family member who needs time to adjust to the thought of losing the person they love. Sometimes it is a perfect stranger who needs to learn the lesson of compassion or patience or to see that it takes no longer to be kind in your actions then it does to be fresh or mean spirited. I also believe that sometimes it is the person who needs to get right with themselves before God hence these are the individuals who pass alone.

Our time here on this earth is so short. If you live to be 200 years old that may equal a blink of the eye in heaven. Am I less sad because I know this well sometimes, right now I will say I am tearing up a bit. Polly thank you so much for asking me this question, you are the person who I needed in my life to help me start to grieve the loss of Dottie. Amazing how a "stranger" (even though you are no stranger to me) can help another. I have thought of you often this week, you and your family will be in my prayers when ever I think of Dottie.