In the beginning of my wait for a court date I did hit some pretty rough spots. When I got home from Russia I was off for a number of days and I could not be more thankful. Usually I schedule myself for vacation right up to the day I have to come back to work.
I would have never been able to go directly back. I was in shock. The fog that I experienced when I was waiting for a court date was back. I had a very hard time figuring out what day of the week it was although that is not unusual for me. I think that is a by-product of not working a set schedule. I honestly do not know how others can know that they will work every Monday through Friday. As an adult I have never had that type of schedule which for me has always worked to my advantage.
I remember complaining week 2,3 and half of week 4 of a terrible headache. I had such pain in the bottoms of my feet that it hurt to stand. This week the pain in my feet is gone and now I have a strain in my neck and shoulder that I just can not shake. I know that this must be how my stress over the wait is manifesting in my body.
I am writing about this because at first I thought there was something wrong with me and there is I miss her a lot. I have a small book of pictures that I have been carrying with me and that is like my security blanket. As much as the video (which I only started to look at regularly this past week helps I have started to criticize myself for not holding her closer to me and kissing her more.
I remember thinking that I did not want to scare her. In my brain I know that I did the right thing because she had no tears the entire time that I was allowed to play with her. I feel like I got more time with her because she was not upset. When they picked her up for the last time something was said in Russia and she started to look sad again and then she was gone. I did not even see them leave the room with her. I know that this was probably their plan from the beginning so that I did not cry or so that she did not cry but for some reason it is really hitting me hard the last couple of days.
I know I will be fine. I have no choice but be fine. I just think the feeling of shock is starting to wear off a little. Actually the feeling of shock was probably a good thing because it has protected me for the past 5 weeks. I know the 3 days of rain and cold weather have probably not helped.
Hoping for sunny weather.
Hoping for a warm day.
Hoping for a fast court date.
Hoping that she will remember me.
***By the way I told Gerard I need a crib too. What a good man he said anything you need we will get! Thanks for all the input***
School Days - November 2023
11 months ago
7 comments:
I can completely understand how you feel. I was in a haze the first few weeks home. After two months waiting, I was ready to return. I too thought I didn't take enough photos or video and I saw our daughter 4 days. It is funny how your experience there and your look back on it can be so different. Just know that as God works in your heart, he works in hers. He will help with the transition and make it all perfect!!
We certainly understand what you are going through. The first month I was in a complete haze as well. I knew our wait would be long but I was always hoping something would change. I'm glad that you can watch your video. I watched ours once, it is only about 10 minutes long or so. THe one time I did watch it I ended up in tears and quite emotional for a couple days. Know that you WILL see her again, she WILL remember you, you WILL have her home. I'm wishing you a quick referral and anything we can so to help, just let us know.
Melissa
I had more of a dreamy feeling, and still do with them being home. At times I feel like going to Russia was a perfect dream... and boy in reality it surely wasn't. But like labor pains I forgot the meltdowns I had, the non stop running nose that went away the moment I got my twins.
I had pictures of them all over the house. Everytime I went to the fidge, on my computer, went to bed I saw them smiling at me.
You are getting that much closer to being with her forever.
You are almost there Joy....
By the way, at the American Embassy, there were probably 4 couples checking out with their children with Adopt. Assoc. I thought I would let you know...nice couples and adorable children.
Your paperwork is done and once it gets over there, I bet you will get a court date soon!
Aww, Joy, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time! I know waiting for your court date is sooo tough, but it will happen before you know it! :) I, too, replayed our visits with our son in my head over and over again in between trips. I also remember when they came and took him back to his group, he looked at me with this pitiful look on his face. Now, when he makes that face, I just melt! :) I was soo worried in between trips also that he wouldn't remember me, but he did! Your little Banana will remember you too! :) Hang in there, and I am praying for a quick court date! :) Hugs!
hang in there! i know the waiting is horrible. i promise you when you have her in your arms again you will forget all about it. she will be so worth it!
Oh sweetie! You are not alone. . .I think the only thing that saved me was that it was Christmas time--busy, busy, busy!!; we had to still do Aidan's room; and my sister gave us a shower at the beginning of January. I do remember that once all of that was over (I think that was about 6 weeks) we still had almost two months to wait. . .but, it did happen. And it will happen for you, too. Just wait and know it will. We're here waiting with you! You're never alone in this process, my dear!
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