Recap of my first visit

Last night I slept very well except that Dottie woke me up because she was sick twice but I was able to go right back to sleep. We went out to dinner last night with my sister, Mom, the boys and Gerard's parents. About 3/4 of the way trough dinner I realized I was really tired. On the 5 minute drive to home I fell asleep. Tonight I go back to work.

I have to say I am so glad that I got to see her twice. I did have to pay for the driver for the 2nd day but it was money well spent. Not to mention I do still have a funny story about the drive.

I wanted to recap what went on during the first visit. Much of this I did expect but even in knowing that I found that it was still hurtful to know that she had changed and in my opinion not for the best.

During the first visit after 5 months of being away from her she was brought in and placed on my lap. She was wearing a white cotton dress with purple embroidery on it, pink cotton tights and dark pink sandals with pink hearts. She did not want to be on my lap but was told to stay there in Russian. I gave her a book with mirrors on each page. She started to flip through the book fast and furiously looking. Not so much looking at the book but more just wanting to do the action of flipping the pages. When she realized that there were mirrors on the pages that slowed her down some.

This visit lasted about 4 hours, which again I am glad that it did because I think it was helpful for the next day. She did not look at me much which is what the difference is from 5 months ago. When I first met her she made terrific eye contact. Making eye contact did not seem to make her uncomfortable. She would look me directly in the eyes. This visit if she looked me directly in the eyes for a total of 5 minutes that was a lot. I know that this will be a work in progress so I am optimistic that she will progress nicely.

I know that some of my family is reading this blog and quite honestly Gerard did not want me to post anything about this on the blog. In his mind he wants to protect her from anyone who might think that she is different or perhaps there is something wrong with her. What is wrong is she did not and has not EVER had a Mother or a Father. She has had people who have provided for her basic needs of food and shelter but not the emotional stuff that comes along with having parents who love you unconditionally.

I do see his point that we need to keep somethings private and I have with regards to her history. I have spoken to a hand full of blogger friends about her history and I will ask that you never mention anything on this blog about her birth family or history so that we can continue to keep this information private for her.

Now I need to get our families to understand the madness that comes along with attachment and bonding. I have always thought that this was going to be the hardest part of the journey and I still do. I think the transition into parenthood is usually tricky and I do see this a lot at work so I should take some of my own advice. The parents are in charge no one else.

I feel like the ones that needed to be prepare the most quite honestly do not seem to get it. I know that most of what I am saying to them is being heard as me wanting to 'Just be bossy or do it my way only.' I am a pretty open person as many of you can tell I really do not hold back much on this blog or in person for that matter. I have openly spoken about every adoption blog that I read to my family in the effort to try to spark some interest in either reading my blog or investigating others who have journeyed before me. Alas I know that over the past 2 years very few of my family members have read it consistently, actually I only know of one Jaime Lynn.

From the time I met Anna until forever she will be first or to put it another way 'You first after Anna!' Anna has never been first in any one's life. She WILL be first now.

During this visit I have found out that she is quite the girly girl in terms of shoes. I had brought some shoes of different sizes to try on her. I thought she might be a 6 or a 6.5. She is actually a 4 toddler so her feet are tiny. When she saw the shoes she did get excited. pulling them out and trying to get off her sandals so that she could try them all on. I got to tickle her feet and she liked that very much. She was very willing to let me try the new shoes on her and she tested them out. I did get quite a few smiles out of her with the shoes.

This was the best part of the visit. I sat there watching her and at one brief point I was thinking I had missed so much just briefly I felt a bit sad and a couple of tears form as she turned away from me to walk away with her book to sit alone. Then almost as quickly as that feeling came she dropped to her hands and knees and crawled the rest of the way to the chair that she wanted to sit in. She even scuffed the toes of the shoes that she was wearing. I know it may sound crazy but to watch her crawl like a baby made me feel better. Almost like I had not missed everything.