When I waited for Anna to come home I dreamed of the orphanage director allowing me to keep a pair of her shoes. I know shoes are a big thing in an orphanage. When I first saw her little face and then looked down at her feet and did not see the shoes that I brought for her and instead a pair of beat up shoes. I wanted to cry. I also held my breath in the hopes that the care taker would not ask for them off her feet. I am pretty sure that I held my breath for many reasons until I was back in the car with her on my lap.
One of the first things that I did was purchase her some new shoes. Her new shoes are cream and pink with some beading in a very similar style as her old ones. Now please understand that as you read this my time at that point with Anna had been very limited. I was excited beyond belief and she was a dream that was standing in front of me. I took off her old shoes but kept them out for her to play with while we were in Russia. During our time in Moscow she never put them back on or acted like she wanted them.
When we got home I took her outfit, after it was washed and placed it in a bag to go into a box with other stuff that I am keeping that is adoption related. Tonight we were in my room, she was playing and I was playing with her as well as getting things ready for the next day. The bag of her stuff from the orphanage (which by the way I am and have always had a hard time saying or thinking of this word, orphanage but I am starting to practice). I saw the shoes. Anna and I have been doing well for the most part but there is a connection that is missing when it comes to me, not so with Gerard but only me.
I thought to myself show her the shoes maybe they will comfort her in some way that I can not. For me it was painful to see the excitement on her face when she saw them. She dropped to the floor and the feet came up and she looked at me with the look of please will you help me put on my shoes. With a smile on my face I put them on her tiny feet she is pretty much wearing a size 3 to 4 shoe so they sure are tiny.
Then it was off to work, first order of business was to dance on the bathroom floor which quite honestly I do dance along with her every time. Yes, she dances a lot. She played for another 2 hours in the shoes, never once trying to take them off. While every pair of her new shoes are off before they are on. When I told Gerard at first he said GREAT maybe she can just wear them for awhile. Yup, I looked at him like he had 2 heads then it occurred to me that he probably never looked at them before because they were packed away when I came home with her. Sure they were on my dresser but lets get honest he is only ever looking for a misplaced cookie nothing else.
Gerard will probably be mad if he knew that I was posting about these little shoes. Shock, then sadness, is the only words that come to mind as a way to describe his reaction to what they looked like and her reaction to them. We both agree that she will be allowed to wear and play with these shoes until she no longer shows any interest in them. Will I keep a steady eye on them? Yup. Will they be out for our family to examine? Nope. I think this is something that is hers, not mine, not Gerard's and it is her story not ours, these are her things to show them. When and if she wants to pull them out to show everyone she will and can.
I know these shoes are a comfort thing for her. She is grieving whether others want to recognize it or not she is. Do I think she would like to go back to Russia and not have a mommy and daddy? No. But is she sad for what she has left behind even if she can not speak the words to express her feeling, absolutely.
On my list of things to do, print up more pictures of her here with us and start her lifebook. The reason why I am talking about this is I made a mistake by taking them away from her. I did not do it as a way to punish her but more as a way to protect them so that she would have them for when she is older. I wish I had thought to give them to her sooner. I just wanted to talk about this in case someone else is faced with something like this.
School Days - November 2023
5 months ago
3 comments:
I am glad you were able to keep her clothing from there! When we pick up J, they said they needed his clothes back, and I was so sad, as I wanted them to put in his memory box. When they brought him to us, he had a little musical turtle stuffed animal that was a little raggedy. I am still not sure why they sent him with it, but he was attached to that turtle for several months after coming home. I think because it was a piece of the orphanage to him and it was something familiar. This spring, he stopped having any interest in it and so I put it in his memory box. I think Anna probably is doing the same, just holding on to something familiar. :)
Joy, yes it is a grief thing for her. It's hard to remember because we're so excited that they are finally home with us, but they have changed absolutely everything about their lives. . .clothing, shoes, food, language, and people taking care of them. Having one little thing connected to "before" is a great comfort thing. We gave Aidan a stuffed Tigger on our first trip. Remarkably, he came home with it. . .and still sleeps with it during naps (even at school) and bedtime. Although we actually gave it to him, I think it is more of a connection to his "before" than a connection to us. It does get better and they forget with time. She's so young that, I guarentee, within six months she won't remember the orphanage at all, except for what you tell her about it. Aidan forgot most by Halloween and then by Christmas it was all gone.
I can imagine that little smile when she saw the shoes. Funny how we do things out of great intentions and as hard as we try, we just don't quite get what they're going through. I'm sure she will feel more at home and comfortable with her new life with each passing day. And how cool that you have her shoes. Oh, I pray for that day when we can hopefully bring home something of our daughters when we pick her up (ya know, after we know who she is and we meet her and go to court for her, of course! LOL!)
Post a Comment