Happy New Years Eve!

As New Years Eve approaches every year I think to myself WOW it would be so much fun to see the ball drop in person. Then I think about how cold it must be and then there is the issue of where do you go to the bathroom so that is where the thought ends.

As in every holiday Gerard is only off if it falls on his day off which this is not. Usually he works extra on New Years Eve and so he went into work early. I was scheduled to work but alas there are not enough babies born for me to work so I am off tonight.

Earlier I spent so time with my niece and her husband Jaime and Greg. They are expecting their first baby so the family is very excite and driving Jaime crazy with all their thoughts on how things should be. We went to dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant. Yes, I had the same dish that I have had every time I go there. I just can not help it I love it. I am pretty sure the waiter thinks I am so sort of a nut.

When I think back on 2008 I think about all the things that went right and all the things that I wished were different. I am really lucky.

Did I ever mention that I prefer odd numbers?? Some of my favorite numbers are odd numbers. 7, 9, 11, 13, 19, 21. Every house that I have owned has been an odd number. Every car I have ever owned was made in an odd year? Does that make me odd? Well probably but in a good way. Someone has to balance out all that even stuff that Gerard does (but that is another post). I am so looking forward to 2009.

Happy New Year to All!

Plans are Set & a New Blog Design

First of all thank you all so much for the kind words and support. My plans are set I will be flying out of New York City on January 12, 2009 for the meeting. I will only be spending just one night in Michigan but that does not mean that I will not pack it full of fun and games while I am there. I would love to know what are some interesting things to see while I am there so I am taking suggestions.

I already feel better knowing that I will be physically at the meeting. I hope that I will get all the answers that I need and want even if they are not the ones that my heart desires.

I feel so luck to have so many different people who are looking out for me and are willing to hear me when I rant and rave about the process. Poor Adrienne was kind enough to take time away from her family time yesterday to talk with me and cheer me up. She sure can make me laugh.

Second is my new blog design. I LOVE it. I am not nearly as computer literate as the rest of you who can do it alone. I enlisted the help of wonderful blog designer Danielle who has redone a number of different blogs that I read. I have needed and wanted a blog design for a number of months and now I have one that I think fits me very well.

Funny how things happen at just the right time. Yesterday when I was so up set I signed onto my blog and WHAM here was the new header. I just love the little elements of this design package. Danielle has made redesigning my blog a breeze.
She is such a creative person. Anyone who has had the misfortune to meet me in person knows that I am a bit nutty that is why I thought the acorns were so me.

Lots of changes some good some hard but I know that I will make it through this process by following the path that was meant for me.

I Have Broken Out My Box of Concern and I am Opening IT!

I usually have a box of concern. It is a mental box where I keep thoughts that are not productive or positive. I put all these thoughts into that box and pray that it will all work out. Many of my friends have heard me say "I have a box of concern but I have not broken it open yet!" Well it is official I have opened this box. There have been only a small handful of times when I have opened the box of concern. Decisions must be made and I must make but only after I am completely informed. These decisions must be made with my head not my heart. Thank goodness when I need to be I can be cold and clinical not to say that it is pain free. Just the facts Jack!

Where do I start. If you cry all night does that count for crying once or more then once? I really wanted to limit the number of times I cried during this part of the adoption so that I do not wear out my crying ability. I am sure that it has to do with being over tired, hormonal, worried and sick.

I lost my voice 2 days ago and Gerard has told me to not even try to talk because no one can understand me anyway. Just so that you all do not think that he is mean he told me this while tucking me back into bed and setting me up with cough syrup, cough drops, a cold diet soda and the TV clicker.

This time last year I was filled with excitement. I remember posting my New Years Eve post announcing that I was switching agencies. I was so careful to wait to say something about the switch until I was sure that everything was almost done.

I remember Gerard and I talking about what are we going to do if I call in February or March of 2008. I did not have enough PTO time saved for my entire maternity leave. I have been so careful in the past 2 years to not take time off with pay so that I would have enough time available later to travel and to be home and still get a full paycheck once the baby was here. Plus this was a good way to try out a part time paycheck without making the commitment.

Looking back I really enjoyed the summer months. I went to the beach even though I never actually tanned. I am usually the whitest person on the beach. I am so glad that even though I really do not and have not had any real adoption news in quite some time that I still have written down my thoughts.

He was so nervous that I would be traveling before we were ready. For Gerard he always was thinking that the Fall of 2008 would be such a better time to travel. Secretly, I think he even wished for the Fall of 2008 as the travel time. I have seen a change in him since that time. He is showing his disappointment from time to time now. He has been so sweet in the past 2 months telling me not to worry only to be a worried mess himself.

It has not been a secret that I have been upset with my agency because of the increased time line. Yes, I completely understand that this is what I signed up for and that there are no guarantees in pregnancy or adoption. The reasons why I have chosen this path have all been my own. I know that I am sounding ungrateful and that I must follow in God's path for me. I am trying to do just that. To cry for Julia is no longer an option because of new changes that I am sure I will not like. I will however always remember her and keep her in my thoughts and prayers. Well my agency is calling a mandatory meeting for families who are waiting! The main topic is how the economy has impacted the agency!

Okay I know that I may be a pessimist but how could this be a good thing. Anyone who has followed the economy knows that the news out there is not usually good news right now. I would be shocked if they told me something good. So I have a plan.

I am going to make the meeting for nothing else but for the satisfaction of confronting the agency with my concerns. Am I going to stay with this agency?? Well that is the 64,0000 dollar question! Gerard who knows me the best has not even asked me what I will do. He knows sometimes it is better not to ask.

Christmas Recap

Over Christmas every year I am required to work some part of the holiday every year. That is just the nature of the business. Gerard is only ever off for Christmas eve or Christmas day if the holiday falls on his scheduled day off. So usually he is also working some part of the holiday. Gerard and I had to work into Christmas day, I get home earlier then he does so he woke me up after Santa came to the house.

When I woke up the tree that previously had no decorations on it was decorated in a way that only Gerard can do. He is symmetrical and even with just about everything. I just know he is feeling the strain of the adoption too because usually my presents are numbered in a particular order and no I am not allowed to open them out of numbered order. This year he forgot!! When he realized that I was just opening them in my order you should seen his face. Then he laughed and told me that I took advantage of him.

After we woke up in the afternoon we drove out to Aristotle and Sloan's house for dinner. Because of Gerard's work schedule he has not made it out to their house for the past couple of years. I kept telling him that he was missed and that Aristotle was always looking for him I just don't think he believed me. Gerard was a bit surprised to see the excitement in his eyes as he ran to the door to see him. Even Sloan who is turning 1 in a couple of days noticed that Gerard was there and crawled right into his lap and handed him his pacifier which is equivalent to a hand shake in baby gestures.

We played Monopoly World series style. My BIL Rick is trying to teach Aristotle some Spanish. Now I hate to brag but wow is that kid smart. They have really worked with him. Aristotle did all his transactions in Spanish.

So the day was as nice as it could be for us. I am not saying that there were no tears shed by both of us. Which was a bit shocking. Gerard still thinks that we have made a mistake by not going to get the little girl. I am trying to not let my heart rule my head. I do not usually look at her pictures but in the past couple of days I have prayed over my decision. Gerard keeps asking me when I am going to get her.

Merry Christmas To All

This is a nativity that Gerard grew up with and now is displayed in his Aunt Nel's home. I just wanted to remember the true meaning of Christmas.

Can I Borrow A Christmas Tree?

This year has been a little odd for me. Usually not only are my Christmas cards sent out first but my Christmas tree is decorated for Thanksgiving. This year was a bit different. Santa has not wrapped a thing! I have my tree up but not one decoration on it and honestly I am not planning on puttiing any decorations on it. Maybe I will find some lights.

This is less of a tragidy then one would think because we are never home for any part of Christmas eve or Christmas day. I have already warned everyone that next year don't even ask because we are not going anywhere.

Yesterday I spent the evening baking cookies with Gerard's Aunt Nel so I am borowing a picture of her tree for the blog. Now I am off to help Santa wrap gifts.

My First Blogger Award!

This honor was given to me my my fellow blogger friend Barb who has recently come home from Russia. Her posts about Gotcha day were so moving to me. I encourgage you to read this blog.

6 Things that make me Happy!

1. The smell of baking bread. I think there is nothing more intoxicating then the smell of baking bread. My Mother among other things was a baker. When I was a little girl she would bake bread. I have never been able to perfect the art of baking bread.

2. Going to the beach with an ICE cold diet soda. I love to swim in the ocean and because I live in New Jersey really the only time you can swim in the ocean is in August and early September. I love it when the water is not too cold and I can easily dive into a wave. I love the salty taste of the water.

3. When my nieces and nephews call me or stop by. I honestly believe that they will never know how hard I have worked to be in their lives. Because I was so young (like 12) when most of them were born it could have been easy to not be in their lives. I just love talking to them. They are funny, bright and quirky. They all have a great sense of humor.

4. Having things paid for in full. I am a bit of a freak I love t watch the balance of a loan or credit card decrease. I have spread sheets detailing when a bill will be paid off completely.

5. I love tasting new foods. The crazier the better. I would love to take a cooking class if I had the time. I love to watch cooking shows.

6. Making things. I am happiest when my hands are busy and productive. I love to make all sort of different things. I could not imagine not having a project started. The funny thing is I usually give away everything. I have only one quilt that I have kept for myself and one that I started for my baby.

Now it is my turn to award 6 others with this honor:
So here are my picks:
Jolynn
PeWee
Carrie
Joanne
Jaime
Melissa

Winter Gathering to Amuse Joy Event

Today in between shopping for those last minute gifts my friend Nancy planned a Winter Gathering Event to Amuse Joy. Nancy, Lynn and I went to a local park to make kissing balls. Believe it or not it took 2 hours from start to finish to complete the kissing balls. They are made of a small round piece of Styrofoam painted red. Then a long push pin was put through one end then into the ball. I hung mine outside for the birds.

I was lucky because I still had my camera in the car. I took a couple of pictures of the park and would have taken more except it was COLD! I would say that the temperature dropped about 20 degrees while we were busy making our kissing balls. This park had been a working cranberry bog up until 1993. The park has many buildings including a farm house. I hope to go there again in the spring. I find it amazing that this park is in the middle of a town that I lived in for many years as a teenager and I never knew it was there.







Here is the Marshmallow recipe that I used. Total time to make was about 20 minutes and they were very easy.

Look out for Falling Rates

Life is good around here. I showed Aristotle my blog and he was so excited. For a 5 year old seeing your name on the Internet is a big deal. He was so cute in his winter concert. My sister called me today to tell me how sad he was that I had to leave. He is a part of the No Cavities Club!! That is great news.

So I have been watching the mortgage rates for the past couple of months. I love to buy and sell houses. There is nothing more exciting. I can dream about a summer home. I stumbled on a deal and wanted to let everyone know. The 30 year fixed rate has dropped. My mortgage company is offering a refinance with no appraisal, no closing cost if I do not take out cash. This is great for me because I will be decreasing my monthly payment. Yeah for me! Watch out for those falling rates.

Who Made This Mess?

My house is a disaster! Usually for the holidays my house is completely pristine, organized and decorated. You would think that I would be busy getting things together but what have I done all day nothing but make homemade marshmallows. No one can make a bigger mess in this house then me. Off to clean up the mess and get ready to go to Aristotle's violin recital.

A Homemade Christmas

In the spirit of a homemade Christmas I have been working on my gifts as often as possible. Gosh I hope to be able to get them all done before the holidays. Otherwise I will have to give out nice IOU's to everyone. I had a very hard time trying to think of a good gift to give my sisters without spending a ton of money. This year everyone is so strapped for cash.

Last year I loved what I got my sisters. I spent hours scanning old pictures from my childhood so that I could burn them onto a CD. I think some of my sisters loved the gift and others were maybe a touch disappointed. My hope has been to try and put the emphasis onto a gift that is meaningful but not overly expensive but that is creative. This year I have decided to crochet utility bags for stuff like groceries or trips to other stores.

Reflections: Part Two

When Gerard and I first discussed not having biological children the discussion it was Summer of 2005. I remember the discussion like it was yesterday. We were sitting at the Wendy's (where I cook may meals, Ha Ha). I was telling how much I wanted to be a Mother. I outlined all the experiences we could provide our children and how much we would gain by sharing our lives with a child.

He looked at me and plainly stated that I should get use to the idea of being childless. Domestic adoption was never a consideration. I have been scared by having to sit back and watch many domestic adoptions crumbable in front of my eyes. Gerard and I are not cut out for an open adoption.

I was crushed. I teared up tight there at the Wendy's. The next day I told him being childless was not an option. I would anything to be a Mother. We had just finished building my dream home, a two stories house with a big master bedroom and bath. The kitchen was big, deck, large basement the whole house was about 3000 square feet on a very large lot in a beautiful neighborhood. So I sold the house downsized to a much smaller house almost 1400 square feet that was inhabited by drug dealers.

I worked hard to clean, change and make amends to the neighbors for the actions of the previous owners. The house was so bad we could not live in it for about 4 months. More then once the FBI, State police and boundy hunters have showed up at my door looking for the previous owners. Yes one time Gerard answered the door to a S.W.A.T. team with the guns drawn.

This week when I sat him down to tell him that I think we should hold off the adoption he looked crushed and was in denial. The next day he sat me down and told me that being childless was not an option. He listed all the experiences that we could provide for a child. A child that is waiting for me to jump on a plan and pick him or her up.

My plan is to stay the course. I know all of you who know me and who have read this blog probably knew it before I did. This wait is nothing compared to the wait to sell a home, the wait to fix a house into a home, the wait to gather the money, the wait to convince Gerard it was okay to adopt, the wait for the homestudy, the wait for the I-171, the wait to have the dossier translated and so on.

I am going to embrace the wait because not only is there a reason for the wait but yes something positive will come out of this wait for me. I have read and re-read many blogs in the past couple of days. This one post is has really touched my heart in a way that I have not felt in the last couple of weeks. Please keep this family in your thoughts and prayers. Here is their Gotcha Day post that has touched my heart Holm Sweet Home

Guess Who is 40?

Today is Gerard's 40th birthday!! I remember when he turned 30 and everyone told him it was down hill and his waste would expand. Well the verdict is in he STILL has a size 32 waist and STILL has not gained a pound.

Reflections: Part One

The past couple of days in an attempt to not think about the adoption I have done nothing but think about the adoption. Funny how the mind works. Sunday I told Gerard about my possibility of me changing my mind about our adoption journey. His response was interesting, he looked crushed. Then he just continued on talking about when the baby comes home. One word for his reaction is denial.

So the past couple of days I have been re-reading some of my earlier posts and that is when I realized that I never wrote about how I came to think that adoption was the path to Motherhood for me. Some know my story and most do not because this is a public blog I will leave some parts of the story out. Gerard and I have never become pregnant not for lack of trying. This year marks 18 years of us being together.

I am fearful of becoming pregnant. About 11 years ago I switched to the maternity area of nursing partly to combat my fear of pregnancy and childbirth. You know face your fears, well I have faced them and I am even more fearful then ever. When you work in the area where I work the one thing that is suppose to comfort you is that you will deliver with the people that you know the best. I know that the women who I work with are confident, smart and cautious but I had always made the decision that I would never deliver where I work because if something were to happen I would never be able to return back to work.

When I am working I am less emotional about the "what ifs" because I go into a survival mode when I must care for a child especially during stressful deliveries. Jaime Lynn if you are reading this have no fear you know Aunt Joy will take good care of you and your little lemon. Interestingly enough it makes me truly crazy when my friends and family members do not deliver where I work because I know that my friends will not only go the extra mile but would probably watch the new baby even more closely then I would.

This is why I thought adoption was a viable solution. For me infertility procedures were never in my thoughts. God bless any woman who can put herself out there to go through those treatments. I know because when these women do delivery they are usually beyond frantic and crazy over every detail because of all the pain, sadness and fear that they had to experience to get to the point of delivering a child. I never wanted to be that person.

I wanted to enjoy every detail of becoming a mother. I wanted to remember every feeling and emotion. I wanted the fairly tale. I guess the wait has gotten in the way of my perfect vision, oh what reality can do to a dream.

Here is My New Machina!! **Edited to Add Picture**

Here is my new Machina!! After test driving many different cars I came right back to the one I loved the best. I bought the 2009 Ford Escape Limited. This car has everything in it. I feel comfortable driving it and the features that I wanted the most are all there. Yes I got the leather-heated seats. I think that is the the best feature of the whole car. I figured out that I love leather in a car because of the easy clean up but those heated seats are to die for!

I went with the 2009 over a leftover or used car because Ford made a number of changes to the engine and the transmission. The one I got is the 2.5 I4 engine with the 6-speed transmission. These changes increase the gas mileage up 28 mpg. Much better then what I was getting with my old car (19 mpg).

I got a pretty good deal considering all the features this car has in it. I'm lucky I do not have a problem with getting credit. There was a small look of surprise on the salesman's face when I pulled out my deposit. My first payment is on January 19, 2008 so I hope that I still of the car that day.

As for me my jaw still bothers me a bit. Now my back is also a bit tender I hope that these pains go away soon. I hate to go to the doctors so if I can stick it out until I feel better that is my plan.

Adoption update: My paperwork expires in January 2009. My plan for right now is no plan. I have decided that I will not be completing any new paperwork until January 2009. That is when I will make my decisions whether it is changing agencies or to not adopt at all. I guess I just need time to reflect on what I want.

Some Negative and Some Positive News

I think the agency talk went well even though the answers that I got were not what I wanted to hear. No referral is expected until February 2009! Of course this is not want I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear my coordinator say something like "I was just looking for your number" or "I hope your near a computer so that you can look at this information about your referral" I cried when she told me not to expect to hear anything soon. This marks the third time I have cried about this adoption.

I find it interesting that each time I speak to my coordinator she does not seem to get that I was quoted time frames that were much shorter. I think that I was finally able to get her to understand so hopefully she will be more consistent and compassionate when we talk.

I have a need to look for something positive in some of the worst situations. I know that I must wait until my child is ready to find me and this is hard. I am sure that once the match is made I would never have wanted things to be different but just getting to that point is a challenge. I just wish I understood why I have been chosen to wait? I know that it is not for me to understand and that the reason will be revealed to me one day. I really do not want this to sound like I am whining about "my turn" but I guess it does. I know that there are much worst things that could occur besides waiting.

Monday night I was in a pretty negative state of mind about the whole adoption. I started to think that maybe I am trying to force myself down a road that I am not suppose to travel down. I started to second guess my choice of agencies. How could I pick 2 duds in a row?? When you switch from one agency to another you are suppose to get the better agency the second time around. Am I not reading the signs or following the path that is planned for me? I was seriously considering putting everything on hold. I know that is hard to say, think or believe that I even want to not become a mother but I really am considering this.

I look around and think I have a great life. I have worries don't get me wrong but many of my worries are so inconsequential in the big picture of life. At first I thought that my referral was not coming because I was needed here in New Jersey and maybe that was the case.

Today I feel a like bit better about the situation. Unfortunately changing agencies which would be my first choice is out of the question because of the financial hit that I would take by changing agencies. My entire dossier is due to be updated on January 11, 2009. I will be busy getting much of this together in the next couple of weeks.

So here is my lame attempt to find as many positive things as I can about waiting:

1. If I get the referral in February I will be able to experience Russia is the dead middle of winter. This may not sound positive but I like the adventure of it.
2. My second trip will be closer to spring or early summer so hopefully Russia will be less cold when I have a child in tow.
3. I will be on maternity leave during the best time of the year for New Jersey the summer!! (That thought is one that is keeping me positive)
4. I will have a boat load of vacation time saved.
5. By far this is the most POSITIVE thing that I have learned about this whole process and wait. New Jersey has passed legislation that will entitle me to PAID leave from the state of New Jersey for 6 weeks of my 12 weeks of family leave as of July 1, 2009!!!!! That means that I will not have to use all my vacation time for family leave.

So my new quest is find out as much information as I can about the paid Family Leave for New Jersey. I do know that adoption does qualify me. I will just need to understand the time frame better.

So as for today my main focus is to try and find a car. I am toying around with a couple of different models and options still. I plan on test driving every car that was mentioned in my previous post.

To date I have test drove:
Jeep Patriot
Jeep Liberty
Jeep Grand Cherokee
Jeep Commander (Honestly I just love this name)
Jeep Compass
Nissan Murano
Ford Escape
Ford Freestyle
Mazda 5
Honda Pilot
Chrysler Pacifica

But think I may surprise everyone and buy a 2 seat convertible. You all know what will happen I will get "the call" before I leave the dealership but after I have signed all the paper work.

9 Months Along

This weekend marked my ninth month of being paperwork pregnant or 40 weeks if you measure the time according to the estimated date of confinement (EDC) wheel that I use at work to determine if a baby is full term or not. I am doing pretty good with the wait but I do have a few questions that I think I will have to ask of my agency today.

One thing that I have always thought was really neat was when other adoptive parents do a one year look back on special days. What if today is my baby's actual first birthday?? Here I am writing about something silly.

Well I did buy one thing this morning, a book. A real book not one on CD. I love books on CD because I love to listen to them in my car. Since I still do not have a car I guess I will have to resort to actually reading this book. The book that I bought is call Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control.

I have read where others on FRUA have thought that this book was extremely helpful to me as they learn to parent their children. I hope to be as prepared as I can be so I think this is a step in the right direction.

Bye for now off to make a few phone calls that I have been avoiding. As far as for buying a car. I got my check and I know this sounds crazy but I still have not decided on the big decisions like what type, how much and so on. I know I do not want a black car and that I do want leather seats so I guess that is a start. Ever since the accident I have been experiencing flashbacks of the accident. This is weird for me because I drive EVERYWHERE and never thought about it before. I know this will pass.