How could the end be a sad one?

I never wanted the end of this blog to be a sad one so I refuse to let it be...the end that is. Wow I never did realize that this many people ever read about us. Thank you all for you support and prayers. I wish that everyone had the chance to meet Gerard in person.

Yesterday I went to the mall with my Mother to get some pictures of Anna. I started to load up the stroller with my stuff. That is when I figured out I forgot the diaper bag and had to bring in my emergency diaper kit. My Mother who has not seen the blog this week or she would have told me so said "Gerard is much better at being prepared then you are. His diaper bag is very well stocked. He has 4 diapers, wipes, snacks, juice, toys and a set of clothes all in little zip lock bags. He also knows where his diaper bag is! I thought you would be better at this." I laughed and thanked her because see that is reality. -=

How about an Anna update now.

This week was parent teacher conferences. We were booked to visit with the teacher on Thursday. I had so many reservations about sending Anna to pre-school. I had spoken with the teacher about my concerns before she started and I could tell that she was just not understanding what I was saying. I do like the teacher very much, she is young, full of energy and organized. Adoption and attachment is tricky, I do not think that I am an expert either but I am working on it.

The first 2 weeks were very hard. Anna would hit me for about 2 hours after I picked her up from school. She has regressed back to a diaper. During the day when we were home she was completely trained. Now she wants no part of the potty at all. I have decided not to push her. I know that when she feels comfortable again she will tell me.

Her eating has improved. When I spoke to the teacher she laughed and said that she was very funny at lunch time. I also send breakfast but she almost never eats it. In there lunch boxes the meals are labeled with a B or an L. Just the other morning when she woke up she asked me for "B". I think it is cute when she does that kind of stuff.

Apparently, Anna enjoys rice cakes or at least the teacher's rice cakes. The teacher had to get up from the table to get something and Anna had taken a bit of her rice cake. From what the teacher has said Anna will completely set up her lunch spot before she starts to eat. I laughed because Gerard does much of the same thing. Most people are about half way through the meal before he gets started.

The teacher was surprised by how little speech Anna has. If you give Anna the choice of three things she always picks the last thing that you said and mimics it back to you. I was thinking in my head yes I know that is why I was concerned about her walking herself to class because she has only just now started to refer to herself as Anna.

The teacher did say that Anna has not hit any of the other children. That of course was a fear of mine. The teacher says that her favorite things are the puzzle and block stations. The teacher says that she is very good at cleaning up the blocks. The teacher said that she has very good hand control over a crayon. She even drew us a picture for the meeting.

The teacher also commented that she understands now that her initial impression of what she thought Anna might act like was completely wrong. Anna is a bit of a dare devil on the play ground. There is a boy who is a bit older who she insists on holding his hand on the play ground (Dominick). I laughed because that is one of Gerard's nicknames.

Gerard saw Dominick's Mother one day when he was picking her up. She told Gerard that Dominick told her that he thinks Anna feels safe when she holds his hand so he does not mind. Oh what a sweet boy.

Last thoughts

The other day when I was reading some negative comments my first thought was I will limit who can comment. This morning after reading some "well" meaning observations about a relationship that very few have even a timble full of knowledge about I am thinking I might stop blogging all together. I plan to think about this a lot over the next week. Before I pull the plug on this blog there were still a few things that I wanted to say.
According to the 2010 census statistics, if Gerard and I had married the likelihood that we would be divorced today is 44%. That is a pretty high number of divorces in my opinion. No one ever marries with the intension of divorcing but this is a real concern that many my age are facing.

According to this article approximately 30-60% of marriages have experienced infidelity. Also according to this article men are more likely to cheat at the rate of 50%.
I choose this last web site because the research is well documented on the reference page.

I did not write in a general manner when I said that I was waiting for the cream to rise to the top in terms of Gerard. I would say that more then 75% of what I wrote about was how I thought Gerard was a good Father so I ask before you misquote me please stop and read it again. Anna may be 3 years old but we have only had the pleasure of her company for a little over a year. We needed to change who we are and our own roles to accommodate her needs above our own. I think this takes time to do and does not happen overnight.

I also said…
Bad fathers or mothers will show themselves in time they do not need others to point them out. What does that mean? I think today it is easy to say that someone does not do things as well as another without being able to look at the things that this person is doing right.

My experience is that most men are not good playmates with their children. My experience is that most men are not nice to their wives whether their wives are being mean or nice. My experience is that most divorces end in a very ugly manner where children must make a choice between their father and their mother. My experience is that when these children are forced to make the choice between their fathers or their mothers that this affects them for the rest of their lives, every birthday, holiday…every happy or sad moment that child has for the rest of their lives. My experience has been that not all men are nice or kind to their children or their wives. I have seen families torn apart.

Everyday when Gerard walks through the door he smiles no matter how difficult of a day he has had. I do not try to highlight that I am not married on my blog but if I am asked I will not lie…if you read the comments I was asked. I am more comfortable today then I have ever been with not being married.

As far as the loss of my dreams it is this simple. I will never be pregnant. I will never get the opportunity to go into labor be rushed to the hospital by Gerard and birth a child. I missed close to 23 months of Anna’s life; I do not even have a picture of her from when she was first born. I will never feel a baby grow inside me. I will never breast feed even though I help woman who pretend to want to breast all night long then blame nurses for not showing them hold to do it.

My Father will never walk me down the aisle at my wedding. After being engaged for as long as I have been I would never consider a large elaborate wedding, dress, flowers or photographs. I will never be able to justify spending money that could be saved for Anna's college education on something like a wedding for me and my pleasure. I will never be able to tell anyone that I am married and their response is anything other then “finally.”

I have had a hand in the loss of some of these dreams. I take full responsibility for the loss of some of my dreams. I am pretty sure I never have never complained about not being married on this blog. I also do my best to see what God’s plan is for me. On more then one occasion I have done my best to support my family and friends who are having difficult patches in their relationship. I have also encouraged all but one to try and work out their differences.

I am however berated on almost a weekly basis by someone who thinks I should be married or be angry at Gerard because we are not married. I think there are many people who like to be mean spirited and who like to judge another. I also think that there are people who like to make others cry. I do not value my friends based on their marital status. I value you them based on whether they are caring towards me and others.

I will no longer write about this topic and quite frankly I am strongly considering not continuing this blog at all because I think it perhaps may have become unhealthy. I only wrote about something I thought was funny. I really do not care if Gerard never changes a diaper that is not important to me. I am pretty sure I would not like it if he wanted to be in charge of the cleaning, cooking or shopping. I wish is was 1952 for a lot of reasons.

When I started my adoption journey I did not have many people who were happy for me. Life can be cruel at times and I guess this is just one of those moments. Perhaps I should have just ignored Rob’s comments. When I started this blog I guess I thought if readers did not like it or me that they would move on to something they did enjoy. I am pretty sure I have never been so judgemental in a comment I have left for others. I always sign my name at the end of my comments.

Ms. Elaine you have always been very kind and supportive. Please email me privately I will share with you the unpublished parts of my story if you like. I can see where you may have some questions or confusion that perhaps I can clear up or maybe not. You have had the courage to leave your name with your comments and for that I am grateful. You can find my email address under my complete profile on the right hand side. I think of you for some reason every time I put a smocked dress on Anna and they are all happy thoughts.

A very good question

No Gerard and I are not married. Yes, we have been together for 20 years and I have known him for 22 years in fact. Gerard and I were almost married once but for many reasons we decided to cancel the wedding. Gerard and I both agree that this was a biggest mistake. Recently, I have even seen him become very upset by the fact that the wedding was cancelled. I was hurting over the loss of my father and also hurt when we canceled the wedding...loss of a dreams I guess.

Will we ever get married? This is always the big question and in fact many think we are secretly married. No we are not secretly married. The answer to this question of will we ever get married still eludes me. I may never marry Gerard or I might marry him next week. I think if we do get married it will be a quick service in private (Gerard, Anna and I) once again the loss of a dream.

One of the things that both of us struggle with is getting past the fact that we cancelled the wedding once, whose to say that one or both of us may decide to cancel it again. I do not expect anyone to understand our relationship and really no one needs to but us. Please understand that I do have feelings so please be kind if you can when commenting on this subject.

Anonymous asked:

On the single mothers group I'm in, there must have been about 15 people who had this experience, they were not married (obviously) and most said they "felt" like they were adopting together, but, they said looking back (they all broke up, but 1) he really wasn't acting/feeling/being a father, there was a difference, more like a step child he loved than his child. I'm not saying this is what your family is like, but do you think when a couple has to adopt as a single (aka unmarried) it lends itself to a difference and that is one of the reasons for a man holding back on embracing fatherhood?

I think by far this has been the best question that anyone has ever asked me about my relationship with Gerard and how that relates to him being her Father. I knew there was a reason my I still allow anonymous comments.

I think the attachment and bonding part of adopting is hard, in fact very hard. I think that many adoptive parents walk a fine line when it comes to attachment and bonding. I fear I may always question whether or not Anna is fully attached and bonded to me. I am a sceptic so accepting that everything is perfect in that area of my life can be very hard.

I can not directly speak about Gerard's feelings because they are his own but I can tell you the behaviors that I have seen as my observations. Gerard is her Father and will always be her Father. I find it hard to explain but it was like a light switch was flicked on the minute he saw her face in a picture. When I found out about Anna I had traveled to Detroit for a meeting with my agency because things were rocky with their financial situation. I was not able to see his face when I told him but to say he was excited is an understatement.

For him becoming her Father was much more fluid for him then it was for me, which shocked me. I care for babies at work and I know the physical side of caring for them like the back of my hand. For me the start of Motherhood was a bit more rocky. I struggled in fact. I remember being in the store with Anna and Gerard once and I watched her hug him from the corner of my eye and I thought "Who is that child?" This was an extremely brief thought and one I have not had since. This thought I think is the reason why I take so many pictures of Anna and have them displayed around my house.

Caring for another woman's infant you put up a wall toward that child (I am now speaking in terms of my professional side). You are not asked or expected to love or even have a tender thought for that child. I think this is the reason why I was and still am so devastated that I did not have a maternity leave where I was able to completely focus on my child. The three weeks prior to learning my Mother had cancer I had a surprise visitor everyday. The routine, bonding and attachment that I was working so hard to establish was not being respected. Even today the biggest offenders do not understand how upset I was and still am that my few simple rules were not followed.

When families are formed new roles emerge. I am a pretty outspoken person, Gerard is quite shy and quiet. When I first met I called him by the wrong name for about 3 months and he never corrected me. Gerard would much rather avoid confrontation where as confrontation does not bother me. Our personal relationship issue did not stem from Gerard not acting like Anna's Father but more from not protecting our plan when it came to attachment and bonding. Rather then him confronting those in his family who made demands on us he decided that avoidance was the better option, avoid the conversation specifically about the holidays and just do what we wanted. What Gerard did not realize is every conversation that he avoided I was then confronted with and at a time in my life when I did not need extra issues to deal with.

I never doubted that Gerard would be a good Father he is wonderful with children. I think is quiet nature was an advantage for Anna, remember she had very limited contact with men prior to coming home. To this day Anna eats better for him then me. Feeding her was one of his main jobs when she first came home. Just today I was stopped by a woman in the store who recognized Anna who told me how cute it was to see her with her Daddy at the park every week.

So I guess for us and our situation I do feel like Gerard has not held back when it comes to being Anna's Father. I believe that I am one of the lucky ones however. Anna, her happiness and well being is his first concern.

Silly

When I read another's blog posts for me part of reading it is reading the comments that are left. I may not always leave a comment but many times I have gained a new insight from others comments. In my last post I saw the about Gerard caring for Anna independently for the first time. If you read my comments on the surface you might think Rob or the Anonymous person were being mean spirited towards Gerard. I don't agree, Rob is right. This is probably the reason why Dede married him, he is a good man and a good father to Liam. Edited to add Rob & Dede's blog

I have relieved that in the past couple of months Gerard and I have had a few issues that that have impacted our relationship. Gerard readily accepts that he has not helped as much as he could have when Anna first came home with the day to day chores of being a parent. He has changed more then I expected he would in the past couple of months. Could he do more? Well yes but I also realize that change comes from with in and I can not make another change. Much of the opinion that Rob wrote is the same stuff that tell new fathers when I am teaching them to care for their newborns, making it easier for the Momma will make their lives easier.

I spoke with a friend last night and the one thing that she told me when we were talking about another situation is...Bad fathers or mothers will show themselves in time they do not need others to point them out. What does that mean? I think today it is easy to say that someone does not do things as good as another without being able to look at the things that this person is doing right.

I know it is very hard for many to understand Gerard and that includes me at times. I imagine it is even harder to understand his quirks when you have never met him or seen him for that matter. Gerard is a good man and father for a number to reason.

1. He loves us...even when I cry or yell or when I am mad at him. To be honest I have not been very nice to him in the past couple of months. He accepted Anna from the minute he saw her face. When I had doubts he did not and loved her unconditionally.

2. He is a one woman man. In my book that is a big thing. I know that having tolerance is something that we should all strive for but there is NO tolerance when it comes to this point for me. Sorry call me human.

3. Gerard knows how to have fun and joke around. Laughter is a wonderful gift. His serious nature can produce a very dry sense of humor which I love.

4. He plays with Anna. Sounds silly or like something that he SHOULD do but from the minute he walks in the door he is pulled down to his knees and plays nonstop no matter how tired he is. The attention that he gives to Anna is amazing. He's patience is saint like when it comes to her. In over a year he has never even raised his voice towards her.

These are just couple of reasons why I love him and I do think he is a good father. In fact in the beginning I think he was a better father then I was a mother at times.

Cream rises to the top it just takes time for that to happen.

Flying Solo

"No I am not ready!!!"

Okay this is what I heard last night when I was at work. Oh and the laughs that it produced were heard most of the night. Now please understand Gerard and I have always had an agreement that he would not have to change a diaper. At times was this annoying...Yes. Have I taking quite a bit of ribbing from my friends over this...Yup. Try to understand, Gerard lives in 1952 in some respects and diaper changing is one of them. I still laugh when I think about this post.
When we decided to adopt the funny thing is most people want a very young child, Gerard was actually happy that Anna was a little bit older. In all our years I am pretty sure the only baby he has held was Joy Babe my niece and only because I was taking some thing out of the oven and she kept crawling to me.

Well last night was a work night for me. As usual I changed Anna put her into her PJs right before I left for work. La-La usually comes over does another diaper change at about 8 pm okay yes it is only about 1.5 hours after I have changed her but this has always made him feel better. Kind of a safety net for him that yes even though Anna has been home a year he still feels like he needs. Trial by fire I say is not always a bad method.

So around 10 pm I got a call at work. He is how the conversation went:

Me: "What's wrong?" That is the way to stay positive...hmmm I should probably change that response.

Gerard: "Oh nothing we are just waiting for La-la so we can go to bed."

Me: "Anna is still awake?"

Gerard: "No, she is asleep but La-La is coming to get her ready for bed soon."

Me: "What time did she fall asleep?"

Gerard: "About 8 pm"

See here is the funny part PJs were on, Anna was fed, bath was done...oh and in my opinion the hardest part was done...she was ASLEEP!

I told him not only was she ready for bed but she was already in bed asleep and the hard part was over. He assured me La-La would be there soon and she would help him get her ready for bed. I laughed said okay and hung up the phone.

About 30 minutes later the call came through again.

Gerard: "I don't think she is coming...what am I going to do?" insert a little bit of panic in his voice.

Now in all honesty Anna has been going to bed dry and usually wakes up dry. She refuses to use the potty in the morning and at times still "holds it" for up to 30 minutes. I assured him that every thing would be okay called ended and the bets on how many more phone calls I would get was made plus a few little giggles from my friends.

To answer your question only 4 more calls. This morning he packed things up and knocked on my Mother's door bright and early and I do mean bright and early. He told her I would be late from work and Anna NEEDED a bath.

First Field Trip

Today was Anna's first field trip to the Seaport in town. I have lived here over 20 years and never been to the Seaport some how I am amazed by this fact. The morning did not start off great. Anna was a bit over tired because for the last two nights I have had some meetings for work that pulled me away from our nightly routine add in my regular work schedule and that is a recipe for a meltdown.

I was expected to be at the school with Anna for a 10 am departure at 9:50 am I was still trying to get her tights on which means I did not make it to the school until about 10:05 am. I rushed in to find the class had left. I thought darn it I wanted her to get to ride the school bus. I drove around the back of the school to find it had not left. I parked and jumped on the bus with Anna.

She was super excited to be on the school bus. The drive is less then a five minute drive from her school but very exciting for her. We exited the bus and split up into two groups. First we learned how caterpillars turn into butterflies then we got a chance to make a butterfly from a coffee filer but the best part was when the story of the Very Hungry Caterpillar was being read to us.

Next we learned about turtles and horseshoe crabs. Did you know that every vaccine is tested first on horseshoe crab blood to see if it is safe for humans? Even I learned some thing new in preschool today. We also got to see how duck decoys are made and then it was back to the bus for our long 5 minute trip back to school.

Once she was off the bus it was time for playing on the playground. They all lined up and marched to the playground. I picked Anna up after lunch and she was very excited.

I think the best part of the day was when I watched her run threw the gates at the playground straight for the slide. She was so happy to be able to play outside with her class mates. I did have a brief I think I might cry because she never looked back to see if I was there. I think as a Mother through adoption there are many times when you second guess the bonding and attachment stuff. I was talking with Mrs. S. for a couple of minutes and out of the corner of my eye I could see her running my way. She wanted me to know that she went down the slide. Bless her little heart. I told her I saw her and that it looked like fun. She repeated "Fun" back to me and I told her it was okay to go play and that I would be picking her up after lunch.

I think her exhaustion has just set in for the week because Gerard and I decided to go out for tacos tonight for dinner. As I pulled into the parking lot I looked back to see her sleeping soundly at 5:40 pm. We still decided to go in to eat in the hopes that she might wake up because bedtime is 8pm and I was afraid she would not go to sleep tonight but not only were we able to eat dinner with her cuddled in my lap but I got her back into her car seat, home and into bed where she is sound asleep.


Anna working on her butterfly

Let me bore you...

as usual with some pictures. I am not sure about you but when I think about different times in my life certain pictures are what pop into my mind from those events. I can say that no statement is more true when I think about things I have done with Anna. Back when I started this blog I actually did not own a camera. I had stopped allowing people to take pictures of me. I am pretty much the only one who is allowed to take pictures of Mr. Wilson and that is because I do not share them publically. I do hope that one day I will be able to talk him into a picture for the blog, maybe one that is only public for a 24 hour period so somthing like that.

One the best times I had when Anna was first home was when we took her pumpkin picking last year. Although there were no pumpkins the time spent with her exploring the fields was amazing. I also got some really cool pictures that day that I still love.

Saturday we decided that pumpkin picking was on the agenda. We packed the car and met up with Me-Me, Hans and my sister Julie and drove to our favorite farm, Johnson's Farm. This is where we went this past spring and love it. So without further interruption how about some then and now pictures.

Then


I knew posted this picture from above because there was dirt on her face but this one remains one of my favorites inspite of the dirt.







Now

What a Mess

Those who know me know that I love projects. Sewing projects are my favorite since I broke my arm the only sewing projects that I have been able to finish were Hans' Baptism gown and a few bonnets. The amount of pain I have on a pretty regular basis still amazes me at times. Sewing projects by hand are by far my favorite at least they were my favorite. I have been know to drive others crazy because usually I have a zip lock bag with a sewing project in it and will whip it out if I have time to spend waiting somewhere.

I am one of those creative people who make a mess. Really I know I make a mess and I expect a mess every time I bring out a bigger project (One that does not fit in a zip lock bag) to work on. This house is different then my other two houses because it is much smaller and I do not have a room dedicated towards crafts and sewing like I have in the past. I will say that is the only thing I miss about not having a big house. I would spend 20-30 minutes everyday in my sewing room.

Now I know that I can make a mess but to be heckled by my three year old is too much. She can make a hot mess in a matter of minutes with her "guys." Yesterday I pulled out my basket of scrap material because I have it in my head that I want to make a coverlet for her bed out of Yo-Yos. One of the things that I was so upset over last year was that I was not able to make Anna anything homemade for Christmas. I know it sounds silly but this was part of my "dream" for when I had a child. The loss of that part of my "dream" turned into quite a bit of sadness for me over the holidays. I felt as though I was not measuring up as a Mother.




(Her guys and this is how she lines them up)

So this year when La-La asked me if I was going to be depressed this year at the holidays I was a little shocked but glad that she had said something. La-La and Me-Me are the only two people who recognized that I was having a hard time. I would say I was having a hard time and quickly I was told I was not. I was shut down before I could even finish my sentence. Did I experience Post adoption blues? I would have to say yes.

In all fairness to me and the word "blues" I had a lot on my plate, more then most I think. Are you shocked when I say I was blue or sad? Well I was! I find it interesting how many demands were made on me as a person and a part of 2 different families. My sisters, Mother and I were dealing with the thought of cancer but I am not really sure that they realized the amount of energy just transitioning into a working Mother took from me.

I write very little about Gerard's family, his Father is wonderful with Anna. Papa is the silver lining. As for Gerard's Mother I am polite and quiet. I no longer engage in conversations with Gerard's Mother. I no longer am making an effort for her to be in my life. The stress that she placed upon me last year for the holidays was uncalled for and honestly very hurtful. I no longer have room in my life for those who are hurtful to me. I am sure if she were the author of this blog she would agree. No she never saw my side of the situation.

So what has this done for Gerard and I? Well I promised to be honest. Gerard and I (or should I say I) decided to end our relationship. This was a decision that we or should I say I made this past May. Having a child whether you have that child biologically or through adoption can strain relationships. Add in Post adoption blues and the strain can be tripled. Gerard and I discussed what we would do if we decided to end our relationship after Anna was home. I think it was good that we did that and I think in today's day and age everyone should discuss that prior to having children. We had rules as to how we would act, I will also say I was the bigger rule breaker not him.

Gerard and I decided well before Anna was even referred to me that if we were to split that we would be nice to each other. This is something that is easy to say when you love or still like the other person, right, and can be much harder if you are mad or in my case "blue". Anna is our daughter no discussion and she and her needs come first now and always.

Gerard and I decided that his departure should be gradual, not quick and abrupt. Family outings were still planned over the summer. Gerard was to leave and the visitation schedule was to start in the fall. As Anna's parents we should make the decisions that were best for Anna. She was just barely use to being with us and I was going to be changing that up.

Gerard and I discussed on more occasions then I can count what was upsetting me. Some things he realized, some things he did not and I think still there are some things he does not want to realize. The biggest stress was he holidays.

The truth is I still loved him very much and he loved me. The final discussion came down to this question "Will we break up a relationship of over 20 years over others actions?" This made me think about things in a little bit of a different light. I have really never said much about our relationship because it is just that "our relationship" and I take quite a bit criticism over my relationship.

So how have things been? Well love won out! I love him, I always have. He loves me, plain and simple. We are still together, we are still Anna's parents. So why bring it up now? I guess because maybe someone else out there may be struggling with what I struggled with for the past year. Here is my advice (oh and yes I have given this out as advice) BE NICE! Be nice in your relationship if all is going well, Be nice if you are struggling, BE NICE if you are splitting up your relationship. No one will benefit from you being mean.

Am I still "blue" occasionally...YES! My relationship with Gerard's Mother may never be different and I am sad for the loss of that for Anna and for Gerard. I am occasionally "blue" over the thought that Gerard's Mother could not see that her demands could have ruined my relationship with him. I am some times even sad that Anna will probably only ever wake up on Christmas morning to just us. This is way different then when I was growing up with five sisters.

Gerard and I are more committed then ever. He is still my partner. We are still together and we are still both Anna's parents. What a mess it would have been if I did not take my own advice.

Blog Design

I would love to have a blog makeover. I love the way my blog looks now but I do believe and update is in order. When I first started this blog simple was the all that could describe the look of my blog, it was just plain green. Green being my favorite color it worked for me. Then I saw a just how beautiful some of the blogs I read were decorated. Which brings me to my current blog design. If you notice in the header I have a picture of Dottie my faithful dog who passed almost a year ago and the Barnegat Lighthouse. My orignal idea was to replace the lighthouse with a picture of Anna.

Dottie passed much around the same time all heck broke loose in my house with having a new baby and a Mother who was ill. Life got busy here and I did think about updating it my blog back in May but once again I felt my life get so busy that I just could not think about what I wanted. I want a picture of Anna in the header and perhaps me. Mr. Wilson will not even consider the idea, I do ask him often but answer always the same. Sorry guys but I think he is softening to the idea.

If you have a blog designer who do you use?

Notice Anything New?

Last year before I traveled for court for Anna I start a Yahoo group for our region. When I searched for groups or others who have been to this region I could find only a very small number of people. My mind set then was I needed information on what to expect. Over the past year I have only gotten one or two applicants for this group.

I will be honest I am sure I did not promote this group as much as I should have and I do believe that there are so few who adopt from this region. What are the chances of someone wanting to join a group. Yesterday or maybe the day before I received a request to be a part of this group. Yes I have limited the membership for a single reason, I would like Anna to not only know a little bit about her Russian heritage but more specifically I would like her to know about the region where she was born.

Here in the United States things differ according to where you live. For example I was once in a small town diner in North Carolina and the waitress greeted us then told us she was all out of pig brains. Now my intention was never to order the brains and eggs but for this small town this may have been something that was not only special but culturally acceptable. Here in New Jersey eggs and brains are not something you see on the menu. If the eggs and brains were available would I have ordered them? The answer to that is yes or at least I would have seriously considered ordering them.

So I feel now that at times I am the lone ranger here because I have very few people who I can share my experience with about the little airport or walking along the river front in Cheboksary during the summer. I want that. In the past couple of weeks the discussion of adopting another child has come up. Sadly I just can not see how this would be possible right now but I do have some regrets that I did not start this process sooner in my life so that this could have been a real option.

For now the only memory of Cheboksary and Anna's orphanage is mine. I would love to go back to Cheboksary for a visit and yes a drive to Anna's orphanage. Believe it or not I am friends with the coordinator from Russia on FB. I wish I had gotten to spend more time with the people whom I stayed with while I was there. I believe I guarded much of who I am because I was afraid of how I would be perceived. I think Anna is still too young to travel that distance and perhaps she would not understand where or why we were going there so I have that on hold for now.

So my request is if you adopted from the Republic of Chuvashia or are about to adopt from this region would you consider being a part of my yahoo group? If you are living in Russia and would live to be apart of the group so that I can better understand some of the traditions I would also welcome you into the group. I would love to share all the pictures I have of Anna's orphanage with others and would love to see what it looks like today as well.

Scrabble Anyone?

Let me start with I have become an Etsy fanatic. I think is was about a year ago when someone posted a comment to one of my blog posts about looking on Etsy for a smocked dress for Anna, well I am hooked.

I have bought a number of different things as gifts. I will say every thing I have bought has been beautiful and quite different from what you would find in a store. For some reason I feel like Christmas is sneaking up on me and I already feel unprepared. My hope is for a stress free Christmas. I think part of making it stress free for me is being prepared. I dislike rushing, I dislike rushing to find the right gift for someone even more.

I have decided that I am going to try to knock out a few gifts every week. I will also say that my budget this year for gift giving will be less then last year and considerable less then previous years but more on that later.

Have I said that I really like Anna's teacher and the teacher's assistant. I think at first they thought I was a bit odd because I was and still am very cautious with Anna and her transition into preschool. I think they just did not get all the attachment stuff but at first just did a lot of nodding "yes" to me.

What do I think has changed their perception? Well for starters for the first week when I would pick up Anna she would come running to me some times I would get a quick hug but it was usually followed by her slapping me square across the face. I think the first time the teacher saw it she was just shocked. I could feel my face get red but when I saw the teacher's face get red for me I think that is when she realized what I was talking about.

I asked if Anna hit any of the children in the classroom? The teacher told me "No!" I think she never realized that me leaving Anna was as hard on her as it was. I asked Anna to hold her hands, that is what we do. I asked her to repeat after me, "Hands are for loving, not hitting." At home we alternate this with praying to Jesus to help us to be kind.

The second week went much better then the first week. Anna no longer hits me and instead I found out that she was telling the classroom "Mamma" and smiling. I feel that the full day is just too long for her to be away from me so I pick her up after lunch. She is a smart cookie and now realizes that I am coming for her.

Wow this turned into a much longer post then I thought it would. So back to Etsy and my buying spree.

I wanted to get a few of the little gifts out of the way. While searching on Etsy the other night I stumbled across these charms that are made from old scrabble tiles. On the back side it is the scrabble letter then on the other side it is a picture or saying. The price was just what I was looking to spend on a teacher's gift. I got three charms with silver bead necklaces for less then 15 dollars in individual gift boxes. By the way that price included shipping. There are so many different ones to choose from that I had the hardest time picking just 3 tiles.

There are 2 assistants so for them I purchased one that has a picture of the characters from "Where the wild things are" and another that has the word "Dream" on it. For the Teacher I was tossed between ones that had neat teacher/education sayings and ones with apples. I am sure that every teacher has at least 10 apple things too many so when I saw the one that was a branch with apple blossoms on it I thought this is it.

I can not wait for them to arrive.

Picture day

As a child I can remember picture day as being a big deal. I think this is a girl thing. When I look back at my school pictures the ones I love the best are the ones of the whole class in the gym. I went to a very small school and I believe their were only 2 or 3 classes for each grade so I can pretty much still name everyone in the pictures. I do hope that there is a class picture in this package for Anna.

Now as a Mother picture day is a whole different type of big deal. I was assured that pictures would be taken right away in the morning. Honestly I never thought about that but I guess girl's hair can get messed up throughout the day. I never thought about that because many of the pictures that I love the most of Anna her hair is a bit messy or wind blown.

The "outfit" now that is the next big concern for Mothers at least for me. Many times I think Anna is a bit over dressed for preschool but I think it is important for her to look nice everyday. Anna has always enjoyed her baths every morning and still does before school and usually again at night. The girl just loves water.

I think more opportunities are presented to you if you are clean and neatly dressed. I want Anna to know and understand that how she presents herself in some cases is how she will be perceived. Is is right to judge a book by the cover no and certainly not people as I have been judged in the past but this is a fact of life. Will I teach Anna to not make assumptions based on appearance, Yes I will but this is an ugly fact of life.

Back to school pictures, I picked out a pair of jeans and a shirt with a little dog on it. I will say I struggled because I have just thinned out some of Anna's clothes for a friend and I had not had a chance to iron much of Anna's clothing. Yes I iron it all at once then hang it up. Most dresser draws in our house are empty. I am blessed with big closets.

I was working into picture day so La-La had Anna. She and Me-Me amaze me because they both take things from her closet and put it with other things to make very cute outfits. I will say I got a veto on the outfit I picked out. La-La thought she needed something a bit more dressy.

She pulled out a dress that I thought might be too small but I was wrong. La-La paired it with tights and tan shoes and ta da an outfit suitable for pictures was born. I am interested to see what her pictures will look like because to be honest I sweat when ever I take her for professional pictures. Yes I am laughed at because my family feels there are way too many pictures of her I say there are never enough.

I just never thought I would ever be sending a child to preschool and I certainly never thought that I would EVER had to think about picture day. I feel so blessed. This little tradition that many may just never think about is a gift.

Fun!

I started to write this post before we left for Disney, since Disney Anna has had a word explosion. Basically, she is now saying a lot of single words not many together however. I think I have been quite open when I say Anna's speech is a bit delayed. Yes Anna was in speech therapy once a week but we had to say Goodbye to Miss Sarah because Anna will now have speech therapy at school twice a week. I am a little sad because I enjoy her company in addition to the effort that she puts forth with Anna.

So the other day Anna and I were dancing in the kitchen. Yes I dance in my kitchen often with Anna. I love that I can pick her up hold her and dance now. I know that she enjoys it too. She was laughing and giggling which I also love to see and hear. I asked her "Is this fun?" Thinking she might say "yes". Usually Anna does not say yes in the correct context but instead she said "Fun!".

Throughout the day she kept coming to me for "fun" and laughing. In an effort to make her understand that you can have fun doing many things other then dancing I would tickle her, swing her around, read to her then tell her this is "fun too!"

I love that she associated fun with activities that her and I do together. She will get the concept soon but I hope not too soon because I am having fun too.

I fear...

Summer is over. I waited so long for summer to start so that I could enjoy every minute of it with Anna. I am sad to think this summer is over but with this first official weekend of Fall I found myself still enjoying every minute of the weekend. On Saturday I spent the afternoon with Anna and my sister Julie. I have lived in the area for for most of my life with the exception of about 10 years in Florida when I was very young. Julie and I decided that we both love chowder so why not go to the Chowderfest on LBI.

I can not believe that in all these years neither of us have ever been to the Chowderfest. Okay we are first timers so we did not realize that the chowder tasting part of Chowderfest was on Sunday not Saturday. Many of the local retailers drastically reduce the price of much of their merchandise so we did a little bit of shopping instead. I got a new sweat shirt for Anna and I. Anna did not deal well with having so many people around. At first I was surprised but I realize that this has been a tough week for her so I excused much of her behavior and we decided to leave early.

Anna now knows that when we cross over the bridge we are close to the beach so she kept crying "beach, beach, beach." I was reluctant to take her to the beach because she was in a solid meltdown state. I figured lets try at least. I love the beach and I find it relaxing so perhaps it will relax her as well.

I was right it did. Once we got the the beach entrance her shoes came off and a smile appeared on her face. I did take a few pictures of course. I so would love to take a class in photography and I am strongly thinking about seeing if I can do one on line.

I guess what I am realizing is that every part of having Anna in my life has made my life that much better. I am now getting excited about the Fall. I hope I can fit everything in that I want to do with Anna.

Daddy Peaseeee

So the other night I was working and Gerard had Anna. If you know Gerard in person you would know that the man can not pass a Rita's water ice or Dairy Queen without at least the consideration of stopping. Gerard decided a ride to one of the two Rita's ices that we visits frequently...yes he alternates them, yes there is a scientific reason but I do not understand it, I just tell him it is his OCD nature and usually her laughs. He decided on the one in town not the one by the lake. One Rita's ice was purchased for them to share, the new Swedish Fish flavor which is very tasty.

Here is some background for the story. I usually read to Anna everyday. If we pass her book shelf she wants me to stop everything and read to her. On most occasions I would say more then 90% I do stop and read to her. Two of her favorite books are "Good Night Moon" and "Guess how much I love you" both have a reference to the moon in them.

Recently she has started to say "Moon" every time she sees the moon or a picture of the moon. I think it is so cute and have encouraged her by talking about the moon. The conversation usually ends with "What is the moon made of?" and she says "Cheese" then laughs.

So the other night when they were out the moon was quite full and rising. Anna took one look at the moon and started to insist that Gerard hold her up so she could touch it. "Peaseeee, touch, Daddy" all while she was alternating reaching for the moon and pointing to her hand which means she wants to hold it.

Gerard usually does not call me at work but that night I was glad he did.