A very good question

No Gerard and I are not married. Yes, we have been together for 20 years and I have known him for 22 years in fact. Gerard and I were almost married once but for many reasons we decided to cancel the wedding. Gerard and I both agree that this was a biggest mistake. Recently, I have even seen him become very upset by the fact that the wedding was cancelled. I was hurting over the loss of my father and also hurt when we canceled the wedding...loss of a dreams I guess.

Will we ever get married? This is always the big question and in fact many think we are secretly married. No we are not secretly married. The answer to this question of will we ever get married still eludes me. I may never marry Gerard or I might marry him next week. I think if we do get married it will be a quick service in private (Gerard, Anna and I) once again the loss of a dream.

One of the things that both of us struggle with is getting past the fact that we cancelled the wedding once, whose to say that one or both of us may decide to cancel it again. I do not expect anyone to understand our relationship and really no one needs to but us. Please understand that I do have feelings so please be kind if you can when commenting on this subject.

Anonymous asked:

On the single mothers group I'm in, there must have been about 15 people who had this experience, they were not married (obviously) and most said they "felt" like they were adopting together, but, they said looking back (they all broke up, but 1) he really wasn't acting/feeling/being a father, there was a difference, more like a step child he loved than his child. I'm not saying this is what your family is like, but do you think when a couple has to adopt as a single (aka unmarried) it lends itself to a difference and that is one of the reasons for a man holding back on embracing fatherhood?

I think by far this has been the best question that anyone has ever asked me about my relationship with Gerard and how that relates to him being her Father. I knew there was a reason my I still allow anonymous comments.

I think the attachment and bonding part of adopting is hard, in fact very hard. I think that many adoptive parents walk a fine line when it comes to attachment and bonding. I fear I may always question whether or not Anna is fully attached and bonded to me. I am a sceptic so accepting that everything is perfect in that area of my life can be very hard.

I can not directly speak about Gerard's feelings because they are his own but I can tell you the behaviors that I have seen as my observations. Gerard is her Father and will always be her Father. I find it hard to explain but it was like a light switch was flicked on the minute he saw her face in a picture. When I found out about Anna I had traveled to Detroit for a meeting with my agency because things were rocky with their financial situation. I was not able to see his face when I told him but to say he was excited is an understatement.

For him becoming her Father was much more fluid for him then it was for me, which shocked me. I care for babies at work and I know the physical side of caring for them like the back of my hand. For me the start of Motherhood was a bit more rocky. I struggled in fact. I remember being in the store with Anna and Gerard once and I watched her hug him from the corner of my eye and I thought "Who is that child?" This was an extremely brief thought and one I have not had since. This thought I think is the reason why I take so many pictures of Anna and have them displayed around my house.

Caring for another woman's infant you put up a wall toward that child (I am now speaking in terms of my professional side). You are not asked or expected to love or even have a tender thought for that child. I think this is the reason why I was and still am so devastated that I did not have a maternity leave where I was able to completely focus on my child. The three weeks prior to learning my Mother had cancer I had a surprise visitor everyday. The routine, bonding and attachment that I was working so hard to establish was not being respected. Even today the biggest offenders do not understand how upset I was and still am that my few simple rules were not followed.

When families are formed new roles emerge. I am a pretty outspoken person, Gerard is quite shy and quiet. When I first met I called him by the wrong name for about 3 months and he never corrected me. Gerard would much rather avoid confrontation where as confrontation does not bother me. Our personal relationship issue did not stem from Gerard not acting like Anna's Father but more from not protecting our plan when it came to attachment and bonding. Rather then him confronting those in his family who made demands on us he decided that avoidance was the better option, avoid the conversation specifically about the holidays and just do what we wanted. What Gerard did not realize is every conversation that he avoided I was then confronted with and at a time in my life when I did not need extra issues to deal with.

I never doubted that Gerard would be a good Father he is wonderful with children. I think is quiet nature was an advantage for Anna, remember she had very limited contact with men prior to coming home. To this day Anna eats better for him then me. Feeding her was one of his main jobs when she first came home. Just today I was stopped by a woman in the store who recognized Anna who told me how cute it was to see her with her Daddy at the park every week.

So I guess for us and our situation I do feel like Gerard has not held back when it comes to being Anna's Father. I believe that I am one of the lucky ones however. Anna, her happiness and well being is his first concern.