What a Mess

Those who know me know that I love projects. Sewing projects are my favorite since I broke my arm the only sewing projects that I have been able to finish were Hans' Baptism gown and a few bonnets. The amount of pain I have on a pretty regular basis still amazes me at times. Sewing projects by hand are by far my favorite at least they were my favorite. I have been know to drive others crazy because usually I have a zip lock bag with a sewing project in it and will whip it out if I have time to spend waiting somewhere.

I am one of those creative people who make a mess. Really I know I make a mess and I expect a mess every time I bring out a bigger project (One that does not fit in a zip lock bag) to work on. This house is different then my other two houses because it is much smaller and I do not have a room dedicated towards crafts and sewing like I have in the past. I will say that is the only thing I miss about not having a big house. I would spend 20-30 minutes everyday in my sewing room.

Now I know that I can make a mess but to be heckled by my three year old is too much. She can make a hot mess in a matter of minutes with her "guys." Yesterday I pulled out my basket of scrap material because I have it in my head that I want to make a coverlet for her bed out of Yo-Yos. One of the things that I was so upset over last year was that I was not able to make Anna anything homemade for Christmas. I know it sounds silly but this was part of my "dream" for when I had a child. The loss of that part of my "dream" turned into quite a bit of sadness for me over the holidays. I felt as though I was not measuring up as a Mother.




(Her guys and this is how she lines them up)

So this year when La-La asked me if I was going to be depressed this year at the holidays I was a little shocked but glad that she had said something. La-La and Me-Me are the only two people who recognized that I was having a hard time. I would say I was having a hard time and quickly I was told I was not. I was shut down before I could even finish my sentence. Did I experience Post adoption blues? I would have to say yes.

In all fairness to me and the word "blues" I had a lot on my plate, more then most I think. Are you shocked when I say I was blue or sad? Well I was! I find it interesting how many demands were made on me as a person and a part of 2 different families. My sisters, Mother and I were dealing with the thought of cancer but I am not really sure that they realized the amount of energy just transitioning into a working Mother took from me.

I write very little about Gerard's family, his Father is wonderful with Anna. Papa is the silver lining. As for Gerard's Mother I am polite and quiet. I no longer engage in conversations with Gerard's Mother. I no longer am making an effort for her to be in my life. The stress that she placed upon me last year for the holidays was uncalled for and honestly very hurtful. I no longer have room in my life for those who are hurtful to me. I am sure if she were the author of this blog she would agree. No she never saw my side of the situation.

So what has this done for Gerard and I? Well I promised to be honest. Gerard and I (or should I say I) decided to end our relationship. This was a decision that we or should I say I made this past May. Having a child whether you have that child biologically or through adoption can strain relationships. Add in Post adoption blues and the strain can be tripled. Gerard and I discussed what we would do if we decided to end our relationship after Anna was home. I think it was good that we did that and I think in today's day and age everyone should discuss that prior to having children. We had rules as to how we would act, I will also say I was the bigger rule breaker not him.

Gerard and I decided well before Anna was even referred to me that if we were to split that we would be nice to each other. This is something that is easy to say when you love or still like the other person, right, and can be much harder if you are mad or in my case "blue". Anna is our daughter no discussion and she and her needs come first now and always.

Gerard and I decided that his departure should be gradual, not quick and abrupt. Family outings were still planned over the summer. Gerard was to leave and the visitation schedule was to start in the fall. As Anna's parents we should make the decisions that were best for Anna. She was just barely use to being with us and I was going to be changing that up.

Gerard and I discussed on more occasions then I can count what was upsetting me. Some things he realized, some things he did not and I think still there are some things he does not want to realize. The biggest stress was he holidays.

The truth is I still loved him very much and he loved me. The final discussion came down to this question "Will we break up a relationship of over 20 years over others actions?" This made me think about things in a little bit of a different light. I have really never said much about our relationship because it is just that "our relationship" and I take quite a bit criticism over my relationship.

So how have things been? Well love won out! I love him, I always have. He loves me, plain and simple. We are still together, we are still Anna's parents. So why bring it up now? I guess because maybe someone else out there may be struggling with what I struggled with for the past year. Here is my advice (oh and yes I have given this out as advice) BE NICE! Be nice in your relationship if all is going well, Be nice if you are struggling, BE NICE if you are splitting up your relationship. No one will benefit from you being mean.

Am I still "blue" occasionally...YES! My relationship with Gerard's Mother may never be different and I am sad for the loss of that for Anna and for Gerard. I am occasionally "blue" over the thought that Gerard's Mother could not see that her demands could have ruined my relationship with him. I am some times even sad that Anna will probably only ever wake up on Christmas morning to just us. This is way different then when I was growing up with five sisters.

Gerard and I are more committed then ever. He is still my partner. We are still together and we are still both Anna's parents. What a mess it would have been if I did not take my own advice.