A sigh of relief

Has it really been a year? Last night I held Anna until she fell asleep. We read books and rocked. What a difference a year has made. I took this week off on purpose so that I could enjoy being with her and I have. When I looked back I saw that I really did not post many pictures last year.

I love being able to look back and see how I was feeling. Today is a Sloan-Kettering day. Just like last year today will be a long day and we will be separated. I believe I will get good news again today however.

Here is a picture of me after court. At least today I do not have to wear stockings.



This year in the back yard with my Mother and Anna's baby

Just Pictures

One year ago at Anna's Baby home


Yesterday we went to Fantasy Island but first we stopped at the beach for a few pictures.

Anna's first trip to Brooklyn

Warning this is going to sound a bit like my cousin's, uncle's, friend's, neighbor's, hairdresser's niece type of post but I hope to be able to keep it straight and not confusing. I guess I will start from the beginning.

Many years ago (about 15) Gerard's Nana Katie (Katherine) passed away. She lived in Brooklyn for all her life and quite honestly I really enjoyed her company. It was my job the sit next to her at family meals and holidays because I never minded what she would say to me. For example she would say "This turkey is tuff, see I have a loose tooth" and then she would wiggle it for me. Usually when Gerard's Dad would pick her up we would call first, drive to get her but never find her at her apartment but usually at the McD eating a cheese burger. At 88 years of age she would walk all over Brooklyn hop on and off buses and was extremely independent a little forgetful but independent still.

She once witnessed a crime gave a statement to the police told them she was 66 years old. When the police were following up with her Gerard's Dad was at her apartment when they came there to go over the statement the police realized that she was forgetful because Gerard's Dad told them she had a son who was 62 at the time. In all I liked her, I was the only one who ever lost weight in her eyes. Everyone else she would say "You look good what did you gain 30-40 pounds?"

When she passed and her things were being removed from her apartment Gerard and I were given her dresser and Uncle Bucky took the four poster bed that matched. When Uncle Bucky came to our home and saw her dresser in our bedroom he told us to come and get the bed to match. This was like 5-6 years ago. Time does slip away very fast.

Here was the problem...Gerard does not like to go to Brooklyn. He left Brooklyn over 20 years ago and never has a desire to return. For him it is a chore to drive there. I on the other hand do not mind going but parking for me is always a challenge, all on the street, in Manhattan I always park in the garage so that is easy.

Uncle Bucky is going to renovate his home in Brooklyn so the bed has now become an issue so now I felt like I really needed to get it home. La-La and I decided to make it a day, so we borrowed Jimmy's truck and set off to get the bed.

In Brooklyn there is a large Russian community. Many of the stores and restaurants in the Sheepshead Bay area are Russian. My sister's co worker is Russian and lives in Brooklyn. He had been asking about Anna and my sister told him that I was missing the pickles. He sent his wife to the store and the next day I had pickles. Since I was going to Brooklyn anyway I decided lets go there too.

La-La and I prayed most of the way for a safe trip and good parking, I know that sounds a bit crazy and I really am not the type to get nervous over stuff like that but I really do sweat the parking, silly I know. When we entered the store it was like flying to Russia, Pretty much nothing was in English and only Russian was spoken. The music in the store was even Russian. I think La-La was even a little amazed by the differences.

I was on a mission to find the right pickles and tomatoes. When Anna started to act up she was corrected in Russian, in a sweet manner by an older Russian woman. Anna giggled so I believe she not only understood but the words that were spoken to her were kind. I felt like a kid in candy shop. We came home with 3 types of pickled cucumbers, 2 types of pickled tomatoes, some delicious bread, berries, Kefir and chocolates. I even spent enough for the free flour.

Anna saw different things and started to point to her mouth, she does that when she is hungry or wants to taste something. I think this was a very good sign. Today we will try all the things we bought. I will also unload the bed from the truck hopefully it is still in one piece. Then if it is nice we will go to the beach to relax or maybe stay home for some pool time. I think Gerard is a bit sad that he did not go this trip. He would have enjoyed spending this time with Anna.



Aunt Barbara, Uncle Bucky and Anna September of 2009


Anna in Uncle Bucky's Brooklyn garden July 2010







These were grown in Michigan



These are the exact berries that I ate as dessert after court in Cheboksary. They are a little tart and peppery all at the same time. If anyone knows the name or where I could get this tree please let me know.

A year ago

One year ago today at the Medical Clinic after my examination

One year ago I was in Cheboksary trying to sleep. The only thing I knew for certain is that I would get to see Anna at least two more times. What I may not have shared is just how up in the air the court decision was at the time. Many who travel to a foreign country or even who adopt in the United States understand that there is a real chance that the adoption may not be completed.

I traveled to Cheboksary fully knowing this and expecting to come home without Anna as my daughter. Yup you heard me right. To say I was shocked that I was given the privilege to become Anna's Mother is a complete under statement. A family member from Anna's birth family was contesting the adoption. This family member was hurting knowing that she may never see Anna again or know about how she is doing.

Please understand that I have no angry toward this person because I know that she is hurting and inadvertently I am the one responsible for taking Anna away from her. I have wondered how Anna will feel when her story is revealed to her. Will she hate me for fighting to become her Mother, will she thank me. I do believe that she will long to contact her birth family even if she does not say so directly to me.

This is a bittersweet feeling that I makes me tear up when I think about how hard this year has been. I would love to say that this year has been all roses and fairy dust but the truth is there seems to be quite a bit of turmoil within my extended family. This turmoil seems to constantly stress me to the breaking point.

I find myself looking around the room at my family and Gerard's family as demands are made to me about holidays or weekend time and I think you could all careless about how hard this is for me. This past Christmas I was told by a family member that they were sad that Christmas was not going to be like past years. Are you kidding me??? I would rather shot myself in the foot then spend one more Christmas without children around.

I was also told it is a good thing that your broke your arm you got a chance to be home and rest before Anna came. WHAT!!! Court was delayed because I broke my arm. I want to say, do you really believe what you are saying or are you just talking to talk. I have been asked will Anna wear short shirts and high heels just to get a man like other Russian women they have seen. Probably not since they do not make high heels in a size 4T! I have seen other family members only interact with Anna when they see an opening to correct her even after I have asked them not to correct her.

Gerard is very wise when it comes to comments like this because he does not let them get to him. I however never seem to be able to get past them. I know that to forgive is divine and that the person who is set free by forgiving another is me. I find this is much harder to do when the assaults never seem to stop or when an apology is never made. Soon Anna will completely understand what is being said if she does not already. I feel like I am not able to relax or let my guard down for a moment.

I wonder if these are the things that run through a judge's mind as he or she makes the decision to let an adoptive Mother take custody of a child. I do believe that these family members love Anna but that they do not realize what she has been through in her short little life. I have been told that children are resilient and to that I have said they should not have to be resilient they should be protected by the adults in the family. I have also said that she has been resilient and now it is time for other to be resilient.

I know this seems a bit sad today. To be honest I am a bit sad today. I think for the past year I have fought back the tears of what if the judge had decided not to let me be Anna's Mother. See this is a feeling that some will never have to feel because they have become Mothers through open adoption (where you have been chosen by a birth mother) or by giving birth to your child. My family will never understand that a single piece of paper filled out incorrectly, a lab test, or a birth family member could have stood between me becoming Anna's Mother. None of them had to stand in front of a judge and plead their case as to why Anna would be better off in my home then in a baby home in Russia.

I do have something special planned for today. Hopefully I will have the energy to write about it tonight.

She remembers

Of course in the midst of this long stretch of working my 12 month Post Placement report was coming due to be at the adoption agency. So that means I had to make 2 trips to Trenton at 3 hours a piece. So Anna and I packed a few things and we were off Wednesday to make our trip to pick up our documents.

I always tried to make these trips fun and now that I have Anna with me on them making them fun is even more important. On the first trip we picked some pickles, I know you can not pick pickles but that is what the sign said. She had a great time running through the mud and snapping the cucumbers off the vines. I have been thinking a lot this week about Russia and going back to visit.

If I miss being there I was wondering if Anna was missing being there too. In Trenton I believe there is a large community of Russians so on our second drive out to pick up the documents I decided to look for a grocery store to buy some actual Russian pickles. Quite honestly my family is tired of hearing me say these pickles are good but they are not Russian pickles.

I parallel parked to car which I am always amazed when I can do that and put Anna in the stroller. The first store was closed but the second was open down the block. Instantly, I felt like I was back in Russia. I heard both Russian and Polish being spoken no English. I realized that I only had about 15 dollars in cash on me so I bought some crepes filled with sweet cheese, good but not exactly like the ones I ate while in Russia and a jar of pickles which were gone in less then 24 hours.

Anna had been having a tough week so I wondered if my decision to take her to this store was a good one or not. I got to the counter and the man was on the phone speaking Russian. I put my things up there and wished him good health in Russian (broken, battered, beat, style Russian) he said the same back. So what was her reaction???

Anna held onto me and let out with a loud "Mamma!" She was not scared she smiled and pointed to her ear. This is what I do when I want her to listen. Then she said it again looking at him "Mamma" this time she pointed at me not her ear, which I love when she does that. Quite honestly I think the man thought we were crazy but only I knew what this all meant.

We went into the bakery across the street. She was excited and wiggling all around in my arms because there was no chance of getting her into the stroller now. I asked for some bread again in my broken, battered, beat style Russian and the lady smiled at me. Anna was excited still, smiling, laughing and hugging me. We got out of the store and she ate a slice of bread on out way to the car. She was happy and talkative.

She remembers! I will say I was shocked that she could tell the difference between the Polish and Russian languages but it does make sense to me now. These last 11 months must have been so hard for her not understanding the language or hearing what she understands in person. I am happy to report that I have not seen any behavior that is difficult or unusual since our trip to the Russian grocery store. Today I will attempt to make pickles, wish me luck.

Too many changes

I feel like in the past couple of weeks and months there have been so many changes for me. Gerard's days off changed which has changed and even though they have only moved one day back I feel like I am so not used to it yet. I feel like I have lost a day with him every week. He is thinking about changing jobs and I can tell you just the thought of this is making me upset.

At my job there are changes too. The day and time our pay period ends has changed from Saturday night at 11 pm to Sunday at 7 am. Now that does not seem like a big change but quite honestly it has dramatically changed my work schedule. I know complaining to most of the world about my 12 days a month that I work sounds silly but this change of 8 hours now forces me to work 5-12 hour shifts in 7 days every month. That is close to half the amount of time I work for the month into one week.

I do believe that this will change in the near future but only with another change to my schedule. My weekends to work will no longer be Friday into Saturday, Saturday into Sunday but instead it will be Saturday into Sunday and Sunday into Monday. This will be both a blessing and a curse. For holidays that fall on my weekend on a Sunday I will not be able to be off for any of them (Mother's day, Father's Day, Easter and so on). One good thing that I can say about this change is that my paycheck will be more regular which will make budgeting much easier.

These are just two of the changes that I have been faced with in the past couple of months. This is the first week that I have had to work the new schedule and I am sad to say that Anna is not fairing well with me being away this much in such a close amount of time. I only saw her yesterday for 1 hour, Sunday I spent the day with her but was completely wiped out so I think I was not so much fun either. Saturday I got to spend 1 hour with her. Today I will be with her all day but again I will be wiped out then off to work again on Thursday night.

La-La told me that she can see where this schedule change has affected Anna. Monday night she refused dinner but did have a bottle at bed time, Tuesday morning she refused breakfast and lunch. Gerard was able to get her to eat an afternoon snack but Tuesday night half of our hour was spent trying to get her to eat some dinner without luck. La-La also as told me that she has been looking for me which I think is good but also sad.

I believe this schedule will not change until October at the earliest so I am worried to say the least. The poor thing has had to adjust to so much over the past 11 months. I know I feel like I am at my breaking point with all the changes so I can only imagine how she is feeling.

Thank goodness I only have one more night to work and then I am on vacation again for 11 days.

Clear as a bell

Yesterday Gerard and I spent the day the day with Anna. I was exhausted with no sleep so it was a family day. Gerard did try to sneak off to the gym right when I got home but when he tried to start his truck it was "click, click, click" The battery was dead. So he took Anna to pick up the battery charger but the battery had a bad cell and so charging it was not an option.

The hunt for a battery started, after 4 hours and 110 dollars later we found one. I feel lucky that he can do this kind of stuff because I imagine it does save us money.

We came home from our search equipped with our Sonic slushes and yes I hid in the backseat of my car because it has now become embarrassing to see the same person almost everyday for 2 weeks for a slushy.

Our clothes came off and bathing suits went on as we headed straight for the pool. Be careful what you wish for this summer has been one of the hottest ones that I can remember in years. A couple of weeks ago we went out and bought a small pool. The kind that you blow up the ring and as you fill it the sides rise. The pool is about 30 inches deep and 10 feet wide. I did not want one that was deeper because I wanted Anna and Hans to be able to stand easily.

We played in the pool for close to2 hours yesterday evening. Gerard who usually looks like an old man "Ooooing and Ahhhhing" to get into any pool was even able to jump right in. I do need to video tape him getting into a pool because it is quite funny.

He played hard with Anna in the pool picking her up and splashing with her around. Funnier then Gerard getting in the pool is that Anna thinks I should get a turn being throw up in the air, onto the bed or in the pool like her by Gerard. Lucky for him throwing me around the pool is the easiest choice.

This morning even before my eyes were open I could hear Anna moving around. She tapped me on my cheek and said clear as a bell "Pool, Mommy, Pool. I want Daddy in pool." Shocked was my reaction. Anna has not been putting two words together as of yet so to hear a full I was really excited.

Even though Anna has extremely limited speech she may not qualify for speech therapy because she understands what is being said to her. In order for her to qualify for speech therapy after she turns 3 she would have to be 33 percent behind in speech or 25 percent behind in 2 developmental areas. Anna's only delay is speech. Because they score both the expressive and receptive language skill together I was told earlier this month that she will probably not qualify because her receptive language is pretty much on target.

Well I best get busy, off to Trenton for an appostile for my 12 month Post Placement Report. Three more nights of work then I am on vacation for about 2 weeks. I really do not have anything planned but would love some suggestions.

Summer of 2010 Amuse Joy Event plus news about my Mother

These amuse Joy events started out as a way for me to keep my spirits up when I was waiting for Anna. Now they have taken on a life of their own. The kids who are mostly teenagers and pre-teens have fun so why stop the fun now.

Yesterday we went fishing on the Doris Mae IV. Anna and Gerard caught the first fish of the day. Chippy won the pool for the largest fluke and I walked about 10 miles around the boat chasing Anna, in all a good day.

The summer seems to be flying by this year. I have one more vacation planned before the end of the summer but I do not have any plans for it as of yet.






I have also gotten wonderful news about my Mother. The doctors nurse called to tell us that the type of cancer that my Mother had should be cured by the surgery that she just had. This is wonderful news!! We are very happy. She is recovering nicely. We have another doctor's appointment scheduled for July 30th that is when I will get all the information of the type of cancer she had. Thank you all for your kind thoughts and prayers.

Breast Feeding...No way kido

First let me start by saying I am pro-breast feeding. Part of my job is to educate and assist other with breast feeding. I believe breast feeding is what is best for children, Mothers and Fathers for that matter. Children receive immunities, best possble nutrition and time to bond with their Mothers. Women who breast feed have a lower rate of breast cancer. Fathers who support Mothers who breast enjoy the extra money that is saved through breast feeding. Believe me I could go on and on.

Do I think breast feeding is for everyone...NO. Would I support anyone who wants to breast feed and help them...YES. I see where some women look and feel tortured by breast feeding. I also think that some women measure their parenting skills strictly based on how long they did or did not breast feed.

Did I breast feed Anna? Nope. She was in my opinion and the only opinion that counts too old. Would I have breast fed her if she was a newborn, yes, maybe...okay not really sure. Which brings us to last night and by the way I blame Me-Me for this whole situation.

As usual I laid down with Anna before she went to sleep. Sometimes she wants to bring an animal or several animals to bed with us. I think it is cute so I do let her. Last night it was her stuff animal 'Scar' from the Lion King movie that she wanted. Why not? I was laying there talking to her she was playing with Scar, making him sleep carrying him in her mouth and giggling. I was watching her then out of the blue she was trying make me breast feed him.Believe me I know the difference between snuggling and trying to breast feed and she was trying to make me breast feed.

All I will say is I draw the line in the sand or should I say jungle. I AM NOT going to breast feed Scar!!

Fishing tournament

Yesterday even though it was raining Gerard, Chippy (also know as Papa), Eddie, AM,La-La and Jimmy went fishing in a tournament for the Sunshine Foundation. The Sunshine Foundation helps children and their families who have cancer or other medical issues. Even though no keepers were caught we decided to go to the after party anyway.

The after party is what I like the most because there are raffles and a 50/50. Last year Gerard won a whole skin care line of products for me. We saw one or two friends that we do not see often and who did not realize we have a baby girl so that was neat too. The party was held at one of the marinas in town.

We won a deluxe crab trap which we will put to use later this summer. I love crabs an so does Anna. Of course when you are near a marina there is water everywhere. At one point Gerard walked Anna way so that she could do a little running around. Straight through the puddle she went and I caught him encouraging her so what is a Mother to do? Take a picture of course.



Anna enjoyed playing with her Papa, Grand Mother, Uncle Eddie and Aunt AM too. Fun was had by all.



Later that night we took Hans and Anna to LBI to Fantasy Island so we could take them on a few rides. Anna is still talking about riding the bee high in the air. Anna tried cotton candy for the first time. So many first I can hardly believe that we are coming up on a year since she has been home. This has been one amazing weekend.

Her smile has changed

In the past couple of weeks I have noticed that her smile has changed. I know that sounds crazy but it has all for the better. I have been working on a photo book from when she first came home from Russia. Looking through the pictures I can see that she was smiling but comparing those smiles to the ones I am seeing today the difference is amazing.

I was able to able to capture a few smiles in those early days in connection with things that we were doing at the time but those smiles were no connected with seeing me per say, at least until the other morning. When Anna woke up she called for me and came to sit on my lap. This is something she has done now for awhile. This morning was different because as I smiled at her she smiled back at me. Her smile was not one that was distracted or fleeting. She made consistent eye contact snuggled in close to me. As I smiled at her she continued to smile at me. This lasted for over five minutes which is amazing especially if you have ever met Anna. Five minutes is a long time.

Last night we were driving home from my Mother's house. It was late for Anna close to 10 o'clock and way past her and my bedtime. I put "Anna's music" on in the car (James Taylor) and sang to her the way the whole way home. Anna has been doing a lot of singing lately using her own words but you can tell that it is singing that she is doing. I pulled into the garage and parked turned to see if she was asleep which she was not and I started to sing to her.

I was amazed again how she looked me straight in the eye as I sang the whole song to her. During the song her smile would go from an ear to ear grin to a soft little smile. I am so happy to see these advances in Anna's eye contact with me.

Attachment is something that takes time. In some cases attachment is very hard or does not come at all. I feel blessed that even though I have had a few challenges I do feel like Anna is becoming more and more attached everyday.

Happy Fourth of July

Happy Fourth of July! Last night our town had their fireworks display and Gerard and I were able to take Anna. Gerard's schedule has recently changed and even though it has been an adjustment I am glad that his days off have fallen on a couple of days when I wanted him home with us.

This week has been a though one on many different levels with my Mother's surgery, leaving Anna for a couple of days as well was some family drama. I think that Anna did well while I was gone mostly because she was with La-La and her environment did not change while I was gone. At the last minute I decided not to take her and La-La with me to NYC. Being in the city is hard for anyone but to change her environment and leave her for hours at at time I she would not have done as well.

My sister Jackie also had been without her children for close to a week. We did stop to pick up Sloan. When he saw her he clutched her and his eyes started to tear up. I hate to compare but I think as humans we do compare ourselves to others. When I came in Anna was happy to see me but I could tell that she was a little mad or scared that I left her.

She went to sleep well on Friday but Saturday when I was picking up and brought out the vacuum once I flicked it on she got scared and ran to me, her breathing got fast and I had to stop to just hold her. This morning I was out cleaning the pool while Gerard was getting ready for the gym, Anna got up and started to cry for me. Gerard picked her up and tried to console her but it was a no go. I came in and held her for about 20 minutes and she was fine. She is used to him leaving but not me. Gerard coming and goings are pretty consistent but mine are not so I think that does make it harder for her.

Back to the fireworks, we went down town pretty early. Anna wanted to be in the muck of it were all the people were standing but because it was so close to the road Gerard and I found a place to wait that was far enough away for her to be safe. We worried that she would be scared by the sound but she loved them. The whole way home she kept saying "Boom, Boom, Boom" and throwing her hands in the air.

This morning when she saw the pictures on the computer she started again. I do think she really loved them.





Please say a prayer for Adrienne and Jim. Their little boy Bennett was born last night and seems to be doing very well. I am so happy for them.

On the road home!

Last night we were able to get my Mother up and walk her a bit. She did have some chest pains but a heart attack was ruled out.

This morning she looked great and now we are on the road heading to home.

Recovering

My Mother is doing better then I expected. She was up and out of bed before I even got to the hospital at 8 am. Great jobs Nurses! I hopeful that she will be discharged tomorrow but also understand that Saturday is more likely.

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers.