The unspoken truth about attachment

I have come to realize over the past couple of days that I think perhaps it is me who is having more difficulty with the attachment and bonding. Please reserve judgement of me until you have completely read this post.

When I was waiting for Anna to come home I read quite a bit about attachment and bonding. This is a two way street and many times I think that the discussion focuses on the child not attaching to the parent when in fact many times I think there could be an issue with the parent as well.

I am not going to make excuses but to some degree I think that because of my own personal history, occupation, attachment literature and international adoption in general actually set me up to fail before I ever made a trip to meet Anna. Before I go on I know that in the recent news there has been a woman and others who have sought out disruption of their adoption by no means is this my intention or even on the radar but I do have compassion for those who have felt this was in the best interest of the child. That is not the case here.

I would like to explain some of what I have just written because I know that out there some one is already mad at reading this entry. I have disclosed some of my personal history here but to no means all my history. I will tell you that I never attempted infertility treatments quite frankly because I knew that emotionally I would have a very hard time each month knowing that I was not pregnant and then knowing I was pregnant. So when I did not become pregnant when I first started out even though I was sad in my case infertility was NOT an option. I know that the advances in infertility treatment have helped so many to realize their dream of becoming a mother but I could never seem to get past the fact that I may have one or more losses along the way or worst never become pregnant.

So to some degree I shut myself down to caring or wanting to become a Mother in an attempt to protect my feelings then the decision to adopt was made. I also know that the most recent events in my family have had a severe impact on me attaching to Anna. When you are faced with one of the most defining loses of a person's life, (potentially losing your Mother) there are so many other emotions that you feel. To some degree in my mind if I become attached to Anna then I am making myself vulnerable to hurting with yet another person. I also think knowing that I seem to be the only one who is having difficulty putting her to sleep and getting her too eat is also not helping.

As a nurse I have again had to wall off so many emotions just to perform my job that it may seem weird to others who have never had to do this in order to make a living. I will be the first to admit that I feel as though I have done this many times and in many ways over the past 2 months. I have always tended to be a critical thinker and less of an emotional thinker. This is another reason why the death of my Father hit me so hard in many ways which by the way I actually did not start to grieve until about 2 months after his death. I do not expect others to understand but please understand that I am aware of my short comings in this area and I am working on repairing this.

Which brings me to attachment literature, anyone who has read even one book about attachment and adoption has read about the extreme challenges that some have had to face when they grow their family through adoption. Also know that attachment and bonding issue can also arise when the child is biologically yours. I think this is another reason why I got so heavily engrossed in reading blogs before Anna came home. I needed to know that it does work out that attachment and bonding does happen most of the time. I understand the need for the worst case scenario to be presented in this literature because I believe about 1/3 of families deal with severe attachment issues. That is not us however.

The process of international adopt also impacts potential adoptive parents in the form of law changes, excessive paperwork and financial burden. For me there was the constant threat that I would not be able to become Anna's Mother. In retrospect it seemed that I dealt with the wait well but when I read over my previous posts I could tell that I was holding back my heart and feeling towards Anna. Did I care for her and want her home YES, but I just knew that it was what was best for her rather living in an orphanage.

International adoption from the child's stand point at least in my experience is also damaging. Anna spent years not knowing a Mother's or Father's love. Yes she was cared for and feed I even like to think that they were sad when she left. I have felt that type of sadness when I have cared for a baby in the nursery for longer then the typical 2-3 days but by no means is that the sadness that a Mother would feel knowing that her baby will never be in her arms again.

I know this all sound so bleak, a little depressing and sort of concerning. I want you all to know that I do think Anna is very attached to Gerard and he to her. She carries her picture around non-stop, looks for him and has even been able to pick out pictures of him from when he was younger.

Anna is attaching to me as well but slower then to him. I have a lot more competition then he has. I think many did not understand it until a conversation that I had with my sister when she told me that I needed to be more fun. To that I responded that when others are more "fun" then I am in the room not only am I less "fun" but I become the one who is keeping her from the one who IS "fun". I think she finally realized what I was talking about.

Am I taking care or at least making sure that all her needs are being met---YES! Doing I love spending time with Anna---YES! Would I love to spend every minute with her---YES! This is exactly what I am trying to do. Attachment and bonding will come this I do know but I do think that it will take a little more time then I thought. I read some where once fake it til you make it. There are so many factors when it comes to attachment.