An Unexpected Dinner Guest

This past Thanksgiving I had so many hopes and dreams none of those dreams came true but there was an unexpected addition to our Thanksgiving table. To anyone who was at the past Thanksgiving when we had the fire NO it was not a fireman! I am sure that many of you must know the main dream that I had hoped for this Thanksgiving and that was having a baby to step around while making dinner. Or maybe the addition of Adrienne, Jim, Owen and Lily at our home for Thanksgiving that in my mind would have made my day wonderful as well.

Instead this year I planned a very quite Thanksgiving dinner with Gerard's Parents, My Mom, Anne-Marie, Gerard and myself. At the last minute my sister Joannie called and said she wanted to come to dinner too. So there we go an even 7 people for dinner. Usually I have a house full numbering about 20 or 30 people so I got a small 18 pound bird this year.

I got a call from my sister Joannie at 7:30 am (She works the night shift too in the casino) asking if she could bring someone to dinner. I said of course. Well out went my plans for using the paper napkins and out came the linen ones that I got in the south of France years ago. Thank goodness I have enough dinnerware to seat 150 people. Back to the reason for this post and why I am thankful.

My dinner guest was a young man who is a professional gambler. He has been on the World Series of Poker but not a winner as of yet. I have been assured that he will win it one day. Apparently, he had overheard my sister talking about turkey and having dinner with us. He told her that he had NEVER eaten a Thanksgiving dinner! He did not really understand the whole concept until last night. This young man was originally from the Ukraine and moved here when he was about 12 years old. His family is not close and honestly I thought it was a bit sad that he was willing to spend the day with strangers.

Having dinner with him made me realize how lucky I am to have my weird, crazy family always around me. They drive me nuts and call with problems all day long but I love them. I am lucky that I have the life that I have even though somethings have hurt me on a very large scale. I have a family who is supportive and most of the time a soft, safe place to land when I am hit with hard times. This young man does not. When he left he told me he was overwhelmed with our home and how warm we were to him a perfect stranger.

So even though the day was not what I dreamt it would be or thought it should be with the people who I expected and wanted to be there it turned out that the people who needed to be there were there. I hope and pray that Adrienne was surrounded by her loved ones. I know that she was surrounded by prayer. Hopefully, My baby is being stuffed with turkey too, at least let me dream that for now.

Here is the Turkey!


Me, Mom & Joannie


Joannie & I


I can not even believe that Gerard let me get a picture of him with his parents. Maybe one day he will let me post one of him. I promise I have not made him up! I hope everyone had a GREAT Thanksgiving!

One Dalmation or Two??

My new neighborhood is filled with a bunch of really nice neighbors. Compared to our last neighborhood we love this one. In our last neighborhood I felt like we were watched like hawks. My neighbors would tell me all about where Gerard was that day before he even got home. So this neighborhood is less pressure for me and everyone seems helpful.

This brings us to the other day and Dottie my Dalmatian. She is follows me everywhere and I am very comfortable with her not being on a leash because she is that disciplined with her commands. There have been times when she has followed me out side and I have shut the door only to hear her bark about 10 minutes later and sitting on the doorstep. So now the mood for this story is set for you.

Here I am in my house minding my own business and all of a sudden Dottie starts going crazy. I mean really barking and that is very unusual because I instituted a no barking, no licking and no scratching rule as a puppy that she happily follows. Here I am thinking she must really need to go out side. I walk to the back door and to my surprise I find another Dalmatian staring back at me. My neighbor was so kind because she thought this was Dottie. She caught this dog and put her back in the yard. It took me about an hour to figure out what happened and where the dog belonged.

I'm in Quite a Pickle!

So now that my car has been officially totalled I am in a bit of a pickle. I loved the car that I had. I had purchased a Ford Escape used that had everything for not that much money a couple of years ago. I had it almost paid off. I dreamt of having no payment and a secure car to drive my new little one around in but that was my plan not God's plan.

So I did rent a car but now it is time to return it because we are settling the claim this week. So I am car payment free (yeah) but also car free (boo). This accident hit me (no pun intended) out of the blue. I loved my car and really was not thinking about what kind to buy next. Did I mention that I really do not like to buy cars!!

My sister offered to let me drive her extra car. Thank goodness for extra cars until I find one that I really like. I spent the weekend test driving a couple of different cars and I am still so undecided. Not to mention the poor car salesmen are so eager for me to buy anything because I know I will actually qualify for a loan if needed.

Here are my requirements:

*Must seat at least 5 comfortably
*Handle well because I drive pretty far to work (about 30 miles one way) on a highway that EVERYONE speeds on
*Must get at least 20 miles to the gallon of gas
*Must have leather (because I am now spoiled)
*Must have a moon roof (again because I am spoiled)
*Must have All wheel drive or 4x4 (because I hate to be stuck at the hospital in snow storms)

Did I mention that I am frugal so I would like all of this for the least amount of money possible. Tell me what you drive and why you love or hate it. Or tell me what your dream car is! I am very perplexed.

**I have to say I am considering the Mazda 5 after having rented it for the past week or so. I never would have just picked this one out on my own because it does look like a little mini-van even though it is a crossover. My niece laughed and said a crossover to Motherhood!

Prayers, Thoughts and Suggestions: Please include Anniemac in your Thoughts and Prayers

Please continue to pray for Adrienne, Jim and Owen during this sad time. The current situation is unchanged and baby Lily is being cared for by her birth mother and extended family. Please continue to pray for the birth family also during this time of need. I am very sad for Adrienne and Jim. I feel very responsible for their pain even though Adrienne has assured me that she does not feel this way at all. I have spent the past couple days praying for guidance and trying to find the positive aspects of this situation.

As some have noted I am in a difficult situation because I know and care for both families. I must face the reality of this situation and continue to pray for the child's well being and all the others who are involved. KT if you are reading this right now I do not blame you. I understand the position you have been put into I am just grieving the choice that has been made. I see where I could one day be in Adrienne and Jim's shoes and I am feeling the pain as if it were me in stead of them. I wish it was me instead of them.

Here are some of my thoughts on Adrienne and Jim and how they handled this situation. We could all learn much from their devotion to God and concern that they have shown for the birth family. During Adrienne's painful time their concern NEVER wavered for Lily or the birth family. She put their well-being above her own pain each time and every time we spoke of this situation.

Anniemac this part is for you! This blog and I am guessing many blogs that bloggers keep have a purpose. For myself this blog is a way to connect with others, educate, journal and share my life experiences, for right now my focus is my adoption but as anyone who has read this blog in the past could tell you there are many other sub-subjects.

I find your comments to Adrienne's situation in very poor taste. I am not "sorry" for this statement and if you are "offended" then you have read the tone of this statement correctly. You have used Adrienne's and my blog as a platform for your personal negative experiences with adoption. These are MY thoughts and not Adrienne's. She is too gracious, loving and Christian to do anything but pray for you! I would not typically respond to a person who comments on my blog in the form of a post but you have not given me any other means (No personal email address or blog) to contact you.

I have a few thoughts and suggestions for you.

1. Start a blog of your own, you may find that writing out your thoughts and feeling are beneficial. You could use your blog to as a place for birth parents to express their thoughts and feeling about their relationship or lack of relationship with their children. In this blog you could talk about your losses and I pray that no one will be as judgemental as you have been towards Adrienne and the many people who have prayed over this situation.

2. You could journal about your feelings about the child you placed. This could be benifical to her later in life to help explain the reasons why she was placed for adoption. Perhaps your relationship when she is older will be stronger because of your blog.

3. You seem to have many unresolved feelings about your personal adoption plan. I feel for you because from what you write it seems that you may not be as comfortable with you adoption plan and level of openness as you say you are.

4. As a birth mother you are a very important to your child. I do not believe there is an adoptive mother in the world who does not believe that the birth mother is important. I also believe that many adoptive mothers try their best to pertray the birth parents in the most positive manner possible because to do otherwise would be to hurt the very child we love the most. You loved her enough to care for her every need for the entire time that you carried her in your womb. I believe that even before your adoption plan was developed the woman who is your child's Mother also prayed for you then and even now whether you know it or not. When an adoption fails to occur this is a real loss for the adoptive parents and they do and should grieve!! Have you ever thought past your own feelings once think about the adoptive mother's feelings, fears and concerns??

5. The point that I think you have missed during this entire situation and I believe your own personal adoption is children are not property. They are placed on this earth for us to love and nurture sometimes with the birth family and sometimes with the adoptive family. We do not own them, not the birth mother nor the adoptive mother.

I know that there may be other birth mothers out there who read this blog and who have personally contacted me with their situations. This post is not meant to hurt you. I think that most adoptive parents would agree with me when I say the birth mother and birth father are never far from our thoughts. I would also like to say that your placement of a child IS a gift and I have never met an adoptive family who thinks any other way. We are thankful for that gift every time we think or even look at our child.

Adoptive mothers are no different then a birth mothers.

1. We worry if our children have had enough to eat.

2. We worry if our children are in a safe environment.

3. We worry if our children are getting enough love and attention.

4. We worry that we are making all the best decisions for our children daily.

As a Christian I am now asking that everyone who has read this post to PLEASE include Anniemac in your prayers. She deserves peace, love and guidance to help her resolve her unresolved feelings. Also please encourage her to start a blog. I would love to read what she is feeling from a birth parents perspective because this could only help me when my adopted child has questions

Your Prayers Are Appreciated

I spent last night with Adrienne, Jim and Owen. I can tell you that they appreciate all of the prayers that are being said for the birth family as well as for them. So many of these comments are so positive and heart felt. Many of her followers have shared their personal stories as either a birth parent or an adoptive parent. Please continue to pray for the most important person in this situation, the little tiny baby.

Praying for Clarity

Tonight there have been many tears shed by all who love this one lucky little girl. Please know that your thoughts and prayers for Adrienne and Jim have been cherished throughout the day.

I am asking that you please pray for all of the members of the birth family as well as Adrienne, Jim and Owen. Even though this time seems to be a difficult time for everyone something positive will come from all the hurt that each party is feeling.

Wow Was This a Day to Remember!!

As I write this post the most beautiful baby in the world is in Adrienne's arms. I did tell her that occasionally Jim should get a turn to hold her too! Owen was very excited to see the little tiny baby.

Everyone is doing well. The mood is light and peace is in the air. I know Adrienne is going to have a really hard time picking just one pick to post of the little tiny baby. I do not want to give away all the good information but one thing I will say is she will need many bows for all that hair.

Thank you everyone for your prayers. Amazingly I am in no pain at all. I have never heard of a person not being in pain after a car accident like mine. I guess this is just another ordinary miracle!

My Surprise is Revealed!! ***Edited to include Pictures

I feel so blessed in many ways. As some of you may know if you have been reading my blog for the past couple of months I was given the opportunity to adopt a child who was due in November of this year. After much soul searching I made the decision to not parent this child because I cherish my relationship with my friend and I feared that in some way the relationship would change.

The reason I feel so blessed is because I had the opportunity to help this strong intelligent young woman and her mother to find a family who I know was the best match for her and her baby. Can anyone guess who this family is???? Well lets see I live in New Jersey!!! Becky you were right.

This special adoption is one reason why I believe in my heart that my adoption plan has not been relieved to me up until now. I can not express in words how grateful I am to have been a small part of this adoption. Please pray for Adrienne, Jim and Owen as they near the day they will gain a new member into their tight knit little family. God works in mysterious ways!



I believe that anyone who has met Adrienne, Jim and Owen would a agree with me that Owen in in LOVE with them and very attached. Owen is like butter you just want to pick him up kiss is whole face and you could never get enough. Adrienne is perky and sweet and just everything that you would think she is from her blog. Jim is really funny. You can just tell that he has a great sense of humor.

I had such big plans of posting the picture of the four of us from dinner last night but (and this was a pretty BIG but) I forgot my camera in the car. Yes the same car that was totaled last night on my way to work after dinner. I was hit by a drunk driver from behind. So once again I feel very blessed. I was the sandwiched between 2 cars. Unfortunately, the impact of him hitting me sent me straight into the car in front of me.

When I say God works in mysterious ways I know this is true. My friends think I at work think I am a bit crazy because I am not mad at the person who hit me and least not yet but instead I feel grateful that he did not hit the people in front of me who were elderly because it would have sent them straight into the intersection that was very busy.

I spent most of the night in the ER but I only have bumps and bruises. I am lucky because most people who are hit by a drunk driver do not walk way so easily. Please pray that this drunk driver (I know this sound weird) hears the wake up call and gets some help.

On the funnier side and how I know he was drunk is after he hit me this is the conversation that we had.

Drunk driver: "You okay. Sorry I tapped you bumper."

He "tapped" me so hard that the seat I was sitting in is broken even though he hit me from behind!!

Family Truckster

What a Week This Will Be!!!

I have to say this week is going to be very exciting for me! I would love to say it is because I have gotten a referral but no that is not the reason. After 16 months I will get to meet my first blogger friend in person. Okay does that mean I have no life because I am so excited...well maybe but I think many of you who do read this blog will also find my week exciting too.

All I will say today is this week will surprise many of you for many reasons. I know that you are all tired of hearing about how starting this blog has impacted my life but do not stop reading here. I have "met" so many interesting people. I have learned so much on about adoption but more importantly about myself. I do believe that God works in mysterious ways. I remember thinking when I started this blog that I bet it will fall by the wayside before the New Year. I am glad that it never did.

Do not get me wrong I know much of what I write about is not really all that interesting. Especially for those who are in the very active phases of adoption. I remember thinking wow this is so exciting to read about what I may one day experience.

I believe that each of us has the ability to positively impact each other's lives. I think that sometimes we all forget how a simple gesture, phone call or email could change the course of each other's journey drastically. This happened to me this past June and then again later in the summer.

I will never forget the phone calls that have brought me to this week. Some calls were really hard to make and receive for all the parties involved. I pondered over how to word one email in particular so that I would not hurt this woman but that would accurately describe the situation. I am so glad that I did hit the send button. It took me 3 hours to write that short 4-5 sentence email. My intention is never to hurt someone but that can be a difficult task when so many emotions are involved.

Some phone calls left me feeling so excited that I would have trouble sleeping at just to possibility of what may occur. I know that this week I will be torn by many different feelings some sad and some that are extremely happy. So stay tuned for more.

A Surprise from Gerard!

The other night when I was feeling so down I did what any good woman would do, I went shopping and Gerard went to the gym. Half way through my trip to Target searching for the best possible deals I got a phone call from Gerard. He was so excited and told me to meet him at Bed, Bath and Beyond because he wanted to buy me something.

Those who know me in person know that I LOVED new sheets for my bed. I also easily have enough fine china to have a party for 150 people. Basically I love BBBY. Instantly I start to think about those gorgous curtains for the dining room that I have been pineing over for 3 months but refuse to buy because I am saving money.

Quickly I check out at Target and rush over to BBBY trying to remember how many curtain panels do I need?? Was it 5 or 6? I rush into the store because I see he is already there and in the store. I go directly to the curtains and no Gerard so I find him by of course the bathroom SCALES!

No that is not a misprint and yes he was very excited!

Gerard: "I know how much you wanted a new scale! So I figured I would surprise you with one!"

Me: ....speechless....

Gerard: "Look this one will tell you how many pounds are fat and how much is water weight!!" (Okay yes he is still excited)

Me:....speechless...

What can I say he is so thoughtful. He proceeds to pull all the scales down to test them out to see which one is the most accurate. Oh don't worry yes he asked me to try them out too! I believe the words were "Jump On!!" (Insert an excited tone)

Now let me set the stage if no one knows I am full girl if you know what I mean. I don't jump on the scale he insisted we buy 15 years ago. But none of this has dampened his excitement over a new bathroom scale. It took him about 50 minutes to narrow down which scale he wanted but I did finally start to help him out. When he stood on the ones that I did not like I put my toe on the back edge without him knowing. God bless him he thinks I am not only thin but beautiful too! I do not want anyone to hate on me or to be jealous over my brand new, fat totalling bathroom scale.

Ladybugs!

First of all I am overwhelmed with the support that my fellow blogger friends have provided me over the past couple of days both as comments on my blog, phones calls and personal emails. You are all very wise to remind me that this journey to 'Make Our House a Home' may not be the easiest one but that the rewards of building a loving home by far will exceed my sadness.

I am coming to terms with my sadness and I hopefully be able to find peace with my decision. Gerard is taking this way harder then I ever imagined. So I have to do what I can to help him through the grief process and to understand the reasons why we are not equipped to care for her. He is so black an white with every decision usually that I am surprised he has been so persistent that we should bring her home. Quite the role reversal.

Many of you may not realize but part of the reason why I started this blog was to document my journey but the second was because in the beginning I did not feel fully supported by my family. I think it has taken some family members time to think about how they will be impacted and others needed to learn to deal with their grief that they were feeling about us not starting this family in the more traditional manner. We never considered infertility treatment because Gerard and I never felt that we could emotionally cope with the grief of not becoming pregnant.

There has been a learning curve that each has had to deal with in respect to what comments could be hurtful to me or my new child. Luckily we have worked on this and I have not had to hurt anyone in the process. My next big topic of education for them will be attachment yeah for me. I am a big ogre.

I have been told that ladybugs are a sign of luck and good fortune. In the past 2 days 2 different ladybugs have come into my life. The first one attacked me in the car while I was driving and I was lucky I did not crash the car. The other one just follows me around all the time. I feel very blessed.

Praying for a Little One-Way Too Long and Too Sad

This week has been filled with both extreme excitement and extreme sadness for me. On some level I have been very detached from this whole adoption experience I think for many reasons. The first obvious reason is being detached has helped me to stay sane during the wait. I am surrounded by new Mothers and Fathers just about everyday. I am expected to be happy for them and I am happy. But if I were to let my adoption consume my life in a negative way and look at it as why me nothing good will come out of those feelings.

When a person is pregnant or adopting your imagination tends to build up what your child will be like. What color hair, eyes every feature of their little faces. I consider myself very fortunate that I am able to share these small moments with so many new families because I know one day it will be my time too! Inevitably we start to talk about whether or not the baby looks like you thought she would look. The answer is always no she is more beautiful them I ever could imagine she could be.

As a nursery nurse not only am I able to sometimes pick out features or symptoms that parent may think are cute or endearing but from my perspective that same feature is a big red flag or concern that I have for that baby. That is my job. We have books as big as a Webster dictionary that are full of pictures, features and conditions that most can not stomach to look at. It is my job to be familiar and to look at this book often.

Which brings me to the source of my excitement and extreme sadness. During this process I never considered even considering a special needs child. I know my limitations. Many have said that I would be a perfect candidate for a special needs child because I am a nurse and I understand what is involved with caring for this type of child. So the sadness is that this past week I considered a special needs child. She took my breath away. I could see her little hands in mine and I let myself get excited. Her eyes, her little kisser, the big goofy bow in her blond hair. The sad little look on her face. I fell asleep thinking that I could do this she could be my daughter.

But after looking at her medical information and consulting 3 different physicians about her condition, extensive research in every text book I could get my hands on, searching and reading many different research articles. I have decided that I can not take this child into my family as my daughter.

The pain that I am feeling is so overwhelming! I have not stopped crying for about 2 days now. I am hurting more then I ever expected I would hurt. I feel blindsided by my grief. Please if you think I am being selfish you can not say anything worst then what I am already telling myself about my character or my faith in God so do not even bother to post a comment. I feel like a terrible person.

Her condition at best means that she will probably not live longer then about 5 years old. She will die and probably a death that I know will be painful and sad and without a Mother's love. I have prayed for guidance and her well being. I keep coming back to the feeling that I want to be a Mommy not a nurse to another child who is going to die. I have great repsect and love for those who are able to take on a special needs child. I am not that strong.

Part of me wishes that I never saw her picture because I would not be feeling this pain. The other part of me is second guessing my decision as a sign or God's will and that I should aggressively pursue adopting her. I know the pain of losing a child and that almost destroyed me once.

I Feel Very Lucky That I Can Vote!

I am old enough to remember watching the election with my Father when Ronald Regan was running for his first term as the United States President. I was in aw watching the pomp and circumstance that I saw with the rallies for both the Democrats and the Republicans. Being the typical Dad's girl that I was then I stood right next to my Father and asked him questions about why this one was better then that one.

My Father had a ton of patience and was not usually a rash speaker. He had a significant stuttering problem that as a child at times made me feel both embarrassed and sorry for him. As an adult I understand now what a gift his stuttering was because he told me that he would think long and hard about what he would say. He was wise because many just speak without thinking.

I am a first generation American in terms of my Father's family because he was born in Denmark. As a child you do not really understand how important it is that we live in a country that is free. We are free to vote and be an active part of how our country is run. My Father taught me that to ability to vote was one that I should not ignore. In his whole adult life he told me that he never had the privilege to vote because he was not a citizen of the United States.

These memories came flooding back to me this morning as I casted my ballot for hopefully the next President of the United States of America.

Trick Or Treat!!

Yesterday I had so much fun! I was suppose to work Thursday into Friday but since not that many babies were born I was put on call. Which by the way I love with the exception is I usually wake up a couple of times through the night to check in. The checking in is not required but more of an anxiety thing that I think I have slept through a phone call.

So I got a great nights sleep and decided to drive to my sister's house to see my nephews Aristotle (5) and Sloan (11 months) for Halloween. Jackie my sister is a room Mother and was helping out with the party and parade. Aristotle's face was so sweet when he realized that I came over for the day to see him. I think he is still in the adjustment phase of having a little brother.

I took lots of pictures of him at school and the class. I think I am even going to try to put together a DVD for the teacher. Wish me luck. Then it was on to trick or treating with my BIL and Aristotle.

Ever since we moved to this house we get way less kiddos for trick or treat. Gerard and Dottie were at home to hand out the candy. In my other houses I would keep track of the number of children and we usually had about 150 to 180. Halloween used to cost me way more money. I am one of those take a big handful types. Honestly, How big is a 5 or 6 year-old's hand!!

In this house we only get about 40 children maybe its the graveyard across the street? When we moved in here we liked the fact that there were only a few houses on the block. My niece Joy laugh and told us we have thousands of neighbors but they are all really quiet.