I have taken the past couple of days to do a bit of soul searching before I made my decision to parent this child. I want to thank everyone who has kept us in their prayers this past week. I had often thought that if I were given the opportunity to adopt a child, any child I would just say yes and run with it. I now know myself better then I did last week. We have decided not to parent this child.
I was really sad this past weekend when I realized that this was the case for us. Gerard never felt comfortable and honestly neither did I. I think that becoming a parent is difficult enough that we should not complicate it more then it already will be. I am going to ask that we all continue to pray for this woman because she has some very difficult decisions to make in the not so near future.
There were many reasons why we came to this decision and the foremost decision was that I would have limited ability to live my life in as the child's mother without feeling that I was being measured by others. I know that this may not make scene to many but I feel that we are too close to the birth parents in location and personal acquaintances for this to really work out. I think I have however softened my thoughts about domestic adoptions and in particular open domestic adoptions.
I had a very long discussion with my agency and the agency that did my home study about my rights. We discussed what an open adoption entails and that I would be able to determine the level of openness that would make me comfortable. Some of my fears were myths and some were reality. Because I only wanted to pursue an international adoption we did not focus on the details of a domestic adoption the conversation was very informative.
I am more committed and determined to complete my Russian adoption then I was before. That is the positive side to this situation. I was starting to have a little bit of doubt creep in that I would never become a mother. I will admit that it has been bitter sweet to watch others receive their referrals before me. I think this is normal reaction. Gerard and I spoke about this at length. I have prayed for patience and I will be patient. I am in no hurry I have realized. Each day that I am waiting for news about my referral just adds to the excitement and love that I already feel for my child. When the time is right I will be matched with the right child for me.
School Days - November 2023
11 months ago
9 comments:
I'm sure this was not an easy decision to come to, but I'm happy you are at peace with it and that your committment to your Russian adoption has been fueled a bit more now. Your referral will come. I know it's difficult to wait but your little one will come home!
And God will be a part of the journey forever more! He will bring your child to you when it is the right time. (Easy for me to say, I know! But, it is really true.) I know how hard that was for you, but knowing your own heart the way you do, you have made the right decision. God bless you! You and Gerard will continue in our prayers as will this mother to be.
It sounds like while sad that you are at peace about your decision. Kepp praying and God will lead you to the child you are meant to parent.
No one ever said adoption was easy. Sometimes we need to make these difficult decisions to bring you closer to your child. Gerald and you are in my thoughts and prayers during. Great big hugs to you both.
Hi Joy, This must have been such a difficult decision, but it must feel so good to be at peace.
I know that we have no control over anything and everything is in God's hands, but it is always still hard when so much is unknown. Hang in there! Warmest wishes... Teresa
I think you have made the right decision. If only I had known what I was facing, I might have decided against adoption
The waiting is difficult and we were frustrated so many times along the way but when we finally met our son we understood why we had to wait. You will get your referral when the perfect child for you is ready.
It's so hard isn't it? Another road can sometimes seems quicker/easier/better, but to change course mid stream is scary too. I'm sure you agonized over it, but in the end were true to yourself and what you know you can do. ((hug))
I'm glad you made the decision that is right for your family. We had to say no a couple of times during our wait for Russia. It was never easy.
And I totally understand what you mean about watching referrals come while you still wait. I watched one family start a year after us and home months before us. And another family started after us and was home a year and then started their second adoption and is home already. It doesn't seem fair but like you said it will only make you love your child more.
Your day will come. The best advice I was given when I was at my all time low was to just stop thinking about it. I thought that this was impossible but I did for a few days and then Isabel showed up. I'm not saying that will happen to you, just sharing.
God has your child picked out wherever he or she is. And He'll get you there.
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