Yesterday I finished my 2 day stretch at work. I find them hard but easier then if I work on one and off one. In the past my favorite schedule was when I would do all 3 of my days together and have a long stretch off. Jillian and Gerard were both home to be with Anna so I could get some sleep in between.
So here is what happened. I was napping, Jillian was in the bathroom and Anna decided that she needed a little computer time too. She picked off about 15 of the keys. Who knew those keys were held on by two little tiny pieces of plastic. So when it was discovered I told her that I was disappointed and that the computer was off limits. Mind you said this to her not in a yelling voice. I am sure that my face looked disappointed as well. I started to figure out how to put the keys back on. For the most part I was able to get them all on except the 'T' key is missing and the 'X' does not work that well either. Quite honestly no possession that she could break would upset me enough to not love and forgive her.
What was interesting was her reaction. She started to cry. I mean she really was sobbing, face red, tears flowing all while trying her best to climb into my lap. I held her I told her I loved her but not the behavior. This is what I do when she is not behaving like I want her to. Actually I think most of my family has thought that I am a bit crazy for saying that in the past. I held her until she stopped crying. Each time when I thought that she was okay and I started to fix the keys she would start to sob again.
Jillian was a bit shocked. I even asked Jillian if she felt I had been a bit hard on her. Jillian told me that I never even raised my voice. I think that when Anna one of the ways that the children could have been disciplined was by ignoring them after a scolding. Jillian actually said "Aunt Joy you should be the one crying not Anna".
I tend to get annoyed when people tell me "Children are resilient" or "They will forget with time" I think this is so misguided. I do not think she will forget the feeling of being left to be cared for by stranger who had a lot of children to care for atone time. I hope and pray that she will understand that I love her and that there is nothing that she could do to change that. No possession is more important to me then she is.
I am amazed everyday by how she is growing and learning to love and care for her forever family. At times there are these little moments that remind me of how fagile she really still is.
School Days - November 2023
5 months ago
10 comments:
I want to tell you how much I adore your blog and what an amazing mummy you seem to be. I'm a single saving to adopt, it's a long hard road especially since the country I live in has very expensive adoptions (I was told mine would be about $110,000 US (to adopt from Russia)! I so enjoy your blog!
Oh, Joy. I am so sorry to hear about Anna's reaction. Although we have come a long way, the baby home is still there, and yes, I think they remember. Even being as little as they were. I so wish I could get in Colby's head to figure out what he is thinking. I know you did the right thing. We try to give the consequence but then play and hold Colby like nothing happened. No dwelling on it. There will be days like this but there will be so many more happy ones.
Melissa
Oh, Joy, that made ME want to cry. Bless her sweet little heart. (Yes, I'm from the South.) Lexi used to cry like that too. Now whenever I scold her for anything she immediately says "I hug and kiss!" And she's right, hugs and kisses do make it all better even when she pushes the limits and draws on our walls with a sharpie. LOL! Children need boundaries, but they also need to know how much you still love them no matter what. The way you scooped Anna up and loved on her was wonderful! Sometimes I feel it's times like that when Lexi and I become even closer. I hope you do too!
My sister in law said that to me when I was trying to explain an attachment issue to her. I literally just shut up and did not waste my breath. It's like talking to a wall, and I knew she would be unreceptive. Dh agreed. Thankfully we see them almost never. :-)
I love this post. Nicholas is so sensitive to discipline. We have to be remarkably careful and consisstent with him - he internalizes things so painfully.
I agree - they remember - on a cellular level they do. How could they possibly forget?
Hugs to you and sweet Anna!
cm
It's hard to explain those things to well-meaning people who have not seen a baby home. Years ago I went on a mission trip to one in Eastern Europe where the children were punished by being wet with cold running water and then isolated. It forever broke my heart.
Another thing, I think that people who say things like "children are resilient" etc., use those statements only to make themselves feel better about their own bad choices/behavior. I know this is harsh to some, but I think children are the least resilient creatures and in most need of affirmation and display of love-adopted or birthed.
Aidan does the same thing! It breaks my heart so much that I've had to discipline myself to not just scoop him up immediately and tell him it's all okay! I will sit and rock hom until he quiets and then talk to him about what happened. . . while I don't think they will remember the orphange itself, they definitely remember the feelings. Keep doing what you're doing! Anna is obviously attached to you!
I think Anna has taught Hans a few things, this past week he's taken the l key off the computer and the b button doesn't work unless I pound on it! Like Anna, Hans can 'sense' when I'm not happy with him, I can give him a glare that makes him cry, sad but I think he's starting to know that he is NOT allowed to pull the vent covers off the vents! These kids know they are loved from the deepest parts of our hearts!
After I posted my comment I read the comments of your blog followers. The comments are so heart felt. I am so glad and thankful that you (blog followers and close friends) keep voicing your support and encouragements! Aunt Joy you are very fortunate to have such a great support system!
Hey Joy, I am so sorry. When I met with an attachment therapist last week, she said exactly what you said. These little ones are not as resilient as people think. They are hurt on the insides (most often) forever by the experiences they had and the lack of a true family for so long. She explained to us that they have emotional memories (which start as a newborn) and physical memories (which usually start around 18-24 mos). This may have been an example of an emotional memory of some sort coming back to her getting in trouble for doing something. We will never know what our children went through, and what a miracle that they are as resilient as they are! You are wonderful, Joy. Anna knows you love her, and it sounds like you handled the situation so gently. Holding her and talking about the behavior being undesirable but that you love her and not her being "a bad girl" is exactly what the therapist said too. Good job!
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