Yesterday we had a new slider door installed. Isn't that what you should do when it is freezing cold out? Gerard knows a lot of different craftsmen and he is pretty funny about who comes to our house to do work.
Tom also know in my house as 'the man', remember everyone has a nickname around here even if they do not know it. Tom came over the other day when Gerard and Jillian were home with Anna. Apparently, Tom was shocked the way Anna went right to him. Interesting I thought. Now I was not here and I did not see the interaction.
We really have kept Anna's world as small as possible. We spend most of our time at home and pretty much only family comes over. I remember thinking early on when Anna came home that I was envious of Gerard because he had such little competition and I had so much more to over come. Anna has really only ever had interaction with less then 4 men who have ever been close enough to her for her to walk up to them for affection. Where as in a typical day there could be as many as 5 or 6 women at the house and for holidays closer to 15 or 20 women, yes all family.
Gerard did not seem concerned but there is some denial that I am dealing with when it comes to Anna and attachment issues. He needs her to be okay and when I tell you for the most part I really do think that she is attaching well to us but like with everything there are always a few bumps along the way.
Please keep in mind that Tom being a work acquaintance and not a close friend is unaware that Anna is adopted. Gerard says that most men do not talk about how their children come just that they have them. I would have to say that I do believe this is how most men interact with other men. We do really want that to be her story.
Fast forward to yesterday. Tom came over with his adult son who was helping him with the door. Just as I thought Anna went straight to Tom and threw her arms up in the air. Tom look stunned but did not pick her up. I did however scoop her up and told that Tom was here to change our door and that Daddy would be home soon and he would hold Anna then.
As I write this I am painfully aware that because Gerard has not been feeling well since before Christmas because of the kidney stones and stent he has not been able to really pick her up every time she comes to him but instead he kneels down to her. For those who have never had a from your kidney to your bladder the pain is incredibly unbearable because Gerard's job is so physical the pain when lifting is even more for him. Thank goodness the stent comes out on Friday.
While Tom was working on the door he told how cute Anna was and that she is the ONLY little child who has ever wanted him to hold her when he first walked into a house in close to 20 years. He also told me most children are afraid of us when we come because of the noise and because they do not know us...Hmmm...smart observant man.
Interesting the way some people who have no emotional ties to Gerard, Anna and I can point out when things are not just the same as in other homes. Not that each home should be the same. I will say that I have filed this information in my brain and will talk to Gerard about this once his stent it out and he is more able to hold Anna.
I guess this is a big attachment week for us.
School Days - November 2023
5 months ago
5 comments:
I think that must be normal for thses kids. . .Aidan is always VERY interested in men. . .loves his Daddy, but is always VERY interested in men. Women not so much. He loves me and always comes to me with a smile and a hug, but he wants to really get know men. However, when he is upset or hurt or not feeling good, it's just me he wants! I'm sure it has to do with the early exposure they experienced.
I can see why that might concern you, and it would me too. However, you mentioned that she hasn't had experience with seeing a lot of other people. I know Anna has deifinitely attached to you and Gerard. You might want to try opening up her experiences to meeting new people, especially guys and reinforcing with her that Gerard is Daddy. She might have a scewed idea of what Daddy is. At the same time, I don't know if you really want her afraid of other people. I like that Colby is outgoing and wants to say hi to people. He doesn't go up to them for physical contact, and I don't want him to, but he does say hi to people we see in the mall or out somewhere else. It is such a delicate balance. I'm not sure what is right, only you, Gerard, and Anna know what to doo for her. But I think you are doing a great job! THe pictures you show us really show how much she loves you both.
Melissa
I think you are exactly right, Joy. This is an attachment thing and shouldn't be ignored. It is hard when other people notice something that isn't typical about your child, but at the same time, who better to be honest about something than someone who doesn't see you all every day and know the situation?
One thing our dr did when I took Lily to get her check up was have her lie down for her exam (she cried of course), and he stood her up and reached out to see if she would let him comfort her. She looked at me like, Please hold me, but she still went to him. She then reached for me. He said this showed that she is forming an attachment but isn't attached yet because she didn't reach for me first (and only). She had just met him... I thought this was interesting because at home she seems to be attaching well, but I totally got it when he said that.
I would continue to keep her world small and not open her up to more people until she attaches. She may have so many family members that she is around that it's hard for her to really understand and attach fully to Mommy and Daddy so the smaller the better (as best as you can). With Owen, it truly made all the difference.
I'd love to catch up with you sometime! Poor Gerard has really been through a lot lately! I hope he gets better soon.
Hugs from afar,
Adrienne
My daughter adopted from Russia at 22 months did the same thing..it was definitely an attachment issue. We had to work hard with her and with other people to help her through it. People often thought I was crazy when I asked them not to pick her up or to ignore her..in the end I did what was best for her.
Hang in there..you are on the right path!
It (the attachment process) goes on for a long time - I know you already know that.
It does help, though, that these little signals come up every once in awhile to let us know that we need to keep on working on it. It keeps us in check.
You're doing everything right with keeping her world small.
Keep on rockin' Mama Joy!
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