Domestic or International??

When I thought about adoption I never considered a Domestic adoption. The one thing about an international adoption that was so appealing to me is the finality of the whole process. Yes I understood that I would not have an infant and the little tiny clothes that go along with that part of being a mother that never bothered me and still does not. I am a bit older then most of the people who read my blog and having a child naturally statistically may yield a child that could have far worst problems then if I adopted.

The things about international adoption that I have been worried about are of course the attachment and leaving the baby between trips. I think at some point I would feel a nagging feeling of not knowing the whole story or history of the mother and missing some of those early milestones.

With a Domestic adoption I fear interference by the birth mother or if a law would change that could allow a birth parent to return and take my baby away from me. My biggest fear would be going to the hospital and seeing a beautiful little baby and not knowing that the birth mother had already changed her mind and decided to parent the child herself. I have seen this first hand at my job. It happens and I am torn apart watching these adoptive parents bond and feed a baby I know that they will never get to hold again.

Even though international adoption is an emotional roller coaster it seems less emotionally draining because I will not have contact with the birth parents. Right now I am more detached from their pain and despair.

I know that this may make me sound cold and hard but honestly this is only a defensive measure that I have learned to shield myself from pain. As much as I love being a nurse there are consequences and one of those consequences is doing everything that you can to detach and shield yourself from a situation that is hurtful. If I let my emotions creep into my work lives could be lost. I have seen newborns die. I seen mothers cry a cry that is inconsolable.

So now I am faced with a hard decision. I have been approached by someone who is pregnant and does not want to parent the child. I feel in my heart that I could go through with this adoption because I for some reason have little fear that once the adoption is complete I would not have to worry about her returning but the 'what if' is killing Gerard and I. Gerard's gut feeling to NO! I am not sure what my gut feeling is right now. If I make the decision to adoption domestically then I will delay my Russian adoption. What if I do that and the rug is ripped out from under me. I am just waiting on 'The Call.'

I have spoken to my agency and they are still confident that by October I should hear something. So this is my dilemma. I will have to do a lot of should searching and praying in order to make the decision that I am meant to make.