Photos submitted!

I can hardly believe that next week I will be completing my third of the four Post Placement Reports required by Russia. The other day I submitted the pictures to my adoption agency and now I am just mapping out when I will be able to get a final deep cleaning done prior to my visit.

I know that having a spotless house is not what Christine my Social worker is looking for but I feel out of respect that it should be clean and neat prior to her coming. I am sure that I am not alone. Last year I felt a little ambivalent about my visit. This year everything feels different. Amazing how different a person can feel in just one year.

I had a hard time picking pictures as usual for the report. How does one pick 10 pictures to describe entire year? I love them all but I know this is part of Anna's permanent record in Russia so I want to make sure that they really focus on Anna. Russian are funny they are less amused by pictures of people smiling then we are in the United States.

She sure has grown. I pulled out my photobooks yesterday for my sister Jenny to look through. Prior to this summer she had only met Anna about 3 times because of her line of work. I loved going through the pictures and explaining them. I did feel a little sad for those family members who have not made it a priority to be in Anna's life. Who knows what this year will bring. Last year was so different perhaps this coming year will bring my family closer together.

You never know who you might meet!

Anna and my Mother
Where I live there is a local theater called Surflight. Here is a little know fact about me I used to sing and act. Not as much as my sister but I held my own. Last year Surflight was in financial trouble and almost closed its doors forever. I promised myself last year that if they were still open this year that I would take Anna to see at least one play.

The season has just opened for them and I was reminded that they have a children's theater so I took a look at the schedule. To my surprise there were a couple of plays that I thought Anna would enjoy. I had thought about taking Anna to see Lion King this summer but I do think she is still a little young for that trip. As luck would have it I was off last night and Sleeping Beauty was playing so yesterday morning I got out my debt card and purchased 3 tickets.

Anna loved the play. In my opinion it was a less scary version of the story which was very nice. The actors and actresses were all young which was so nice to see. As we waited for the play to start there was a young girl in front of us who was super excited because her younger sister was acting in the play. She watched the show with such enthusiasm. All I could think was how sweet she was being there for her younger sister.

We got to talking as I usually always do if there is a random stranger in a five foot radius of me as Gerard would say and low and behold she was an actual, honest to goodness star. Yup, we sat and watched the performance with the young girl who is the voice of the KoKo from the children's show Chuggington. Here is the write up about her in my local newspaper.



Brigid Harrington's Facebook page.
When my sisters and I were younger we were in a drama club called Our Gang Drama. It was a fun activity. As we were talking I told her about how I was in the first version of Christmas Under the Sea. A play written by the director of Our Gang Drama, Sherry. Funny I remember my sister was a mermaid and my other was a starfish but for the life of me I can not remember what I was. The actors and actresses in the play did such a wonderful job that I have pulled out my master schedule book and will be buying up some tickets for other performances.

Brigid Harrington also is appearing on Broadway in the musical Mary Poppins. Perhaps I will talk my one sister into going with me, that was her favorite play.

Anna watched the play with such emotion. When the "Bad lady" as she called her was on I could feel her tense up. She sat on my lap the whole time. I know she loved it. When the "Bad lady" left the stage she told me it was 'Okay'. During the curtain call Anna yelled and clapped for everyone except the "Bad Lady" She put her hands down on her lap and waited. Anna even mustered up the nerve to ask he "Bad Lady" for an autograph, who by the way was a very nice lady.

After the show they all signed autographs and me being the ill prepared and haphazard person who I am according to Gerard had nothing for them to sign. A little quick thinking and I had them all sign her ticket. Anna LOVED Prince Philip. He was her favorite of course.

What a wonderful night! Here are all the future stars.



"Bad Lady" in case you were wondering


This is Brigid Harrington little sister, a star in the making

June and Ward Cleaver do not live here

June Cleaver
Not June Cleaver and Not the Beaver


Ward Cleaver
Not Ward Cleaver

About two weeks ago one of my blogger friends Amy suggested that we all tell the real story. I think most of us may not want to admit it but attachment and bonding can be very hard. Most of what I have seen is about the child not attaching to the parent but in fact the phenomena of a parent not attaching to a child also exists.

Why write about this now? I was directed by a friend to read another blog where a woman who had been struggling was coming clean. I felt sad for her that she may have thought she was alone. True Anna, Gerard and I seem to not really have had any problem with attachment but this is not the whole truth. Anna and Gerard attached seamlessly from the first day she was home. Gerard opened his heart and she ran right for it. For me on the other hand the attachment process was much slower. When I say it that way I really mean only me.

I think for us many different factors played a big part in the delay of me attaching to Anna. First off those first two weeks I was bombarded with visitors. I never got a full week to establish any type of routine. Rules that I asked certain family members to follow were ignored. This added to my inner frustration. When I approached these individuals I was told "You should give it some time" or "No that is not the case at all." In all honesty that was exactly what I was asking for but was not given.

A few weeks later I learned my Mother had lung cancer that was misdiagnosed for over 3 years. I went from trying to open up to my daughter to strict survival mode which can be perceived as cold and clinical. My maternity leave was fulled with trips to NYC multiple times in a week that lasted 12-14 hours. I can remember waiting in the waiting room and not even thinking if I should check on Anna which was the first realization that the problem was mine not hers.

On some level I am no different then a care taker in one of the baby homes. As a nursery nurse I have a level of immunity to hearing a baby cry. At times I manage the care of 8 newborns. Because of this stressful environment there are many times when a child cries but after 13 years I have a level on conditioning that allows me to continuously prioritize the care of those infants. Holding and cuddling is not my number one concern, knowing they are breathing, hearts are beating and that they are fed is my number one concern. The infants that I care for are usually all dressed in the same white tee shirt with a ducky blanket in my mind there is little differences between them.

I knew before Anna came home that attachment was going to be difficult for me. I had long conversations about this with Gerard. Everything that I learned about attachment I told him. Everything that I asked him to do he did. Gerard was a blessing for Anna and I.

Anna was not a good eater or sleeper which compounded the problem for me. From the minute I came home with her I started the count down clock for when I would have to go back to work. With my Mother's new illness more uncertainty was added. Which meant more stress for me. She was the one who was going to care for Anna while Gerard and I worked. This equalled more stress. Thank goodness La-La had moved back home she was also a blessing.

Me-Me and Hans would come over to play. This provided Anna with a healthy Mother-baby relationship to mirror. Me-Me was too busy caring for Hans to know that she was helping us too. What a blessing.

The stress of our first set of holidays added to my stress. I had only had been back to work for a couple of weeks and my Mother was still quite fragile. There were many times when I first went back to work that I missed more sleep then I should have. Many times I was up for over 24 hours at a time. Christmas Eve was one of those nights.

Losing the dream of how your first Christmas will be was very hard for me. Some family members understood while a few did not and rather then making it easier for us they added to the problem by placing demands on us that were very unrealistic. Even this past year I experienced hurt when gifts were given with a mean spirit attached. I received a book on how to become a happy person. This year will be different no gift giving will occur between the adults. I admit to being human and I held on to some of these disappointments but with each day I do try to let go and forgive.

So what did I do? I acknowledged that I might have Post Adoption Depression. I told Gerard. He made sure that we stayed safe. He made sure that I got the rest that I needed. I distanced myself from those that I felt were causing issues for me. Gerard and I decided that he needed to take Anna a couple of times a week so that I had some free time. He spends most of this time taking Anna to see his parents which is wonderful for Anna and them. He also makes his rounds with Anna to see my Mother too.

Pictures! For me this was the biggest thing that helped me. I took lots of pictures of Anna. In her bedroom I have a picture board that I update regularly. Seeing Anna's pictures everywhere helped to picture her in my life. My friends, I am sure thought I was a little crazy but at work I would walk in and out would come a picture book of Anna so even when I was away from her I was able to see her pictures.

I think for us the biggest break through was when Anna started to sleep better. This did not happen for a couple of months. Anna requires at least 12 hours of sleep a day.

Becoming a Momma later in life I was more set in my ways in my opinion. Not only did I not have the dream of being the perfect Momma I did not have my old life either. Not that I wanted my old life back but I did grieve the loss of it.

Please understand this was all me, Anna transitioned better then I ever would have imagined. I am not sure that we would have made the progress that we have made if Anna had attachment issues. For cases where both the parent and the child have attachment issues I can only imagine the heart break.

Our attachment issues were very mild in my opinion although because it was happening to me it felt devastating and severe. Blogging helped me. Telling funny stories about our day to day life helped me. Knowing that I was not alone helped me. Getting in contact with other adoptive parents helped me. Reading blogs about how others struggled helped me.

Today I can say with 100% certainty that I LOVE Anna but even more importantly I am attached and have bonded with Anna. No this did not happen over night. I also feel like Anna is attached and bonded to me.

I did consider consulting a therapist, in particular Arleta James mostly because I read a private blog where the Mother is very honest about their struggles. Arleta James has helped them to process their attachment issues.

Perspectives Press and Attachment Disorder Site are good resources for pre-adoptive and adoptive parents.

In short we are not the Cleavers. We faced many challenges and still do. You are not alone if you feel this way. There is help available if you are feeling like you might have Post Adoption Depression or attachment issues. Be proactive and be honest with a person you trust.

The Cleavers Hopefully today I will get the picture that I want of Gerard and I but he is busy cleaning the driveway...sigh.

I know you got a sneak peak at my new shutters so here are the before and after pictures.

Old faded shutters and numbers


New shutters and numbers


Gerard is planning on moving the front light to just over the numbers. I love that this little house is our home.

Summer 2011

Click here to view these pictures larger

Last day of the first year of preschool

Thursday was the last day of preschool. My intention was to write and publish this entry on Thursday night so that I could participate in the We are not the Cleavers movement that occurred this past Friday. Alas my best intentions were dashed. My hope is to be a week late and post something about this this Friday.

I still have not gotten a picture of the elusive Aunt Jenny even though she has been through here a couple of times in the last couple of weeks. She is pretty much my exact opposite so when La-La and Me-Me hang out with her they are always amazed that we are even related. I think it is funny. Aunt Jenny thinks I am boring and I guess maybe I am. Compared to my sisters I am the one who is the most tame. Funny I do not think of myself as boring.

Yesterday marked the half-way point of my two classes. I am on the downward slide and it feels great. I could not imagine taking both of these classes without Gerard's help. I am pretty sure it could never have happened well if he were still working. What a blessing.

Back in September I was so torn about sending Anna to preschool. Her speech was so limited. I worried how she was going to be perceived by her peers. I worried about how upset she would be when I left her there. Would she make it to her classroom? I worried about everything. Then we decided sending her would benefit her so the decision was made.
I think sending her was a good decision. Her speech has exploded. I will admit those first couple of weeks were difficult. On a couple of occasions when I greeted her at the door she would run up to me, I would pick her up, you know expected a kiss and hug but instead I received a cold hot slap across my face. The teacher's face flushed and she tried to make the situation better but I knew it was just that she was upset and did not have the words to tell me.

As time went on and I learned the names of some of the kids we would talk about them on the way to school. I would tell her that Gerard or I would be picking her up. I would tell her she was just going to play for a little bit. Getting out the door in the morning got easier. Towards the end of the year we even started to make it there on time. For the first half of the year I insisted she was to be picked up at the door by an adult and walked to class. Then I became comfortable with her walking down with a friend from her class.

For the last two months we allowed Anna to walk to the classroom alone, I was assured that adults were posted throughout the hall way to direct her. The funny thing is the first couple of times she went alone she had this look on her face of "I'm getting away with something here." I am so proud of how she has blossoming.

Anna will be going to the summer session of special education preschool due to her speech delay but we have decided to keep her home this week. We are still deciding on what our baby sitting arrangements will be for when I am sleeping during the day so that Gerard has time to interview and job search. I feel like everything is just starting to fall in place.


Here are the pictures from her end of the school year party




Now to the before and after pictures. I was surprised I was the only one taking pictures of the last day of school.

September 2010

June 2011


Here are two funny pictures from this week. The first was taken after a swim in her kiddie pool. She came in told me she was cold and put on a hat.


This one was taken as she got ready to give Gerard his Father's day kiss.

Airfare booked!

Booked! What a deal I got on airfare. A couple months back Gerard and I decided we would take Anna to Disney for her birthday again this year. She has asked everyday since we came home to go back. We also decided to open the trip up to her Grandparents which has made it more exciting for her in my opinion. Every time she sees Papa she tells him "Go Florida, Mickey house" then she runs down the list of people who are going.

I had booked the hotel then I picked out the resturants which are also all booked. We are able to use points from one of Gerard's reward programs to book the van for the week. Yes, Gerard will be driving a van which goes against his personality which makes me laugh everyday. I was thinking maybe he will like it and we can trade my car in for one, sigh I am pretty sure that will not happen.

I have been watching the airfare everyday 2 and 3 times a day waiting for the right deal. Like magic yesterday I found airfare for are you ready, drum roll please...55 dollars per person, round trip, direct flight. I scrambled to book the flights, could not find my credit card in the process, thank goodness I have those numbers memorized. I know that makes me sound like a freak but success, 6 flights booked!

I have been fighting the urge to pack up and take a quick vacation but I am trying to practice self control and delayed gradification. I have started saving for our spending money and would like to save like that for all my future vacations too. The excitement here about our trip is amazing.

I did splurge on a new dress for Anna. Gerard thinks it is perfect for the plane. Anna has now decided that pig tails or as she calls them puppy dog ears are her new favortive way to wear her hair. This morning to celebrate my victory with the airfare Anna decided Mickey Mouse ears were in order.

Now I think I want to find a photographer to have professional beach pictures take of Anna with her grandparents while we are there. I also have one more big expense that I am trying to save for but only time will tell if I can make it happen.

Has it been a week? Really? Potty talk!

First off thank you all for your comments about where or not to be tested. I am strongly leaning towards being tested because I am one of those people who really does not like a surprise. What a busy week we have had. I was waiting to post because I wanted to put in some new pictures of Anna but I just have not had time to up take or upload them.

We are starting to fall into a routine now that I am back to school. Gerard has been wonderful to me by taking Anna with him pretty much all the time so that I can figure out this new school. I can see that two classes is one class too many for me. Thankfully I had already decided that I only wanted to take one at a time from this point out.


Working hard in my office
(I wish I was one of those people who take a neat picture of myself)

Going to school this time around brings back so many memories of the first time I went to college. Gerard was so supportive then as he is now. I have always said without him I would never have finished my first degree.

Gerard has been on a interview that we are praying about. If you could say a little one for him I would appreciate it.

Other BIG news is I think Anna may be done with diapers! We have been working on this since about April. I am sad and happy to see my baby grow up so fast. Last August Anna had decided she was wanted to start to potty train by going into the bathroom and using the potty occasionally. Once pre-school started she wanted nothing to do with potty training. She would cry anytime I would ask so I let it go.

I have never seen the reason why so many parents rush to potty train. In honesty I believe Anna was bowel and bladder trained before she came home from the baby home which is different then being potty trained. Last August Anna did not have the speech to tell me she had to use the potty which made it more difficult. Anna had less then 50 words at 3 years of age with very little speech that was spontaneous.

Okay so back to last week, I started to put underwear on over her diaper. If she were home with me then it was just underwear. Rather then setting a timer I took her to the bathroom every time I had to go. Towards the end of the week I could see when she was starting to feel like she had to go potty so I would take her in and she would go. She has had only one accident with Gerard at his parent's house. They both decided a bath would fix the problem, then dressed and straight home to tell me about it.

Last night was the first night Anna slept without a diaper! I am so proud of her. For now she is only using the potty for my Mother, La-La, Me-Me and myself. She still refuses at school but that will come with time. Thank goodness my Mother was able to find tiny underwear.

Would you want to know?

In my last post I hinted that we were given some new information about my Mother. Well it seems that because she has had three completely separate types of cancer in addition to both my parent's strong family history of cancer we were referred to a genetiasis so that my Mother can be tested for the presence of the cancer gene as the doctor put it to us.

I have been told that there only two types of cancers which are hereditary to date colon cancer and one type of breast cancer which is not the type of breast cancer that my Mother had. My Mother had dual carcinomia in situ. Here is the tricky part my Father's Mother died at 34 of bilateral breast cancer. When I told my Mother's oncologist this I could see the measure of concern that he had for me and my sisters come across his face.

The conversation went from light hearted to sober in a hot second. What I did not tell him was I have a spot that we have been watching on one of my breast for the past two years. I was not recommended at the time to see a breast surgeon but just to have follow up checks. I am sure that this is all nothing but it makes you wonder? If you could find out if you have a genetic predispostion to a type of cancer would you want to know?

If the gene is there nothing really changes I would continue on with the same screening that I normally would have done. My job now is to officially ask my sisters if they want to be screened. So far I have gotten a solid no from one sister and two "I have to think about" from other sisters. I have two more to ask and then I have to decide for myself. I have wavered back and forth about whether or not I want to be tested. Everytime I think I do not want to know I can picture the doctor's face in my head as he slowly turned around when I was reminding him of our family history and that look of concern.

He is a research oncologist so I have to wonder if he knows more then is published about the relationship of these cancer genes and certain other cancers. I suppose I will take time out of my schedule this week and make a few appointments I have been putting off. I also plan to do a little bit of research about the subject too. I believe there is also new legislation on the topic so that if I do find out and have this gene, I believe I am protected from discrimination.

Which brings me right back to my original question would you want to know if you have the cancer gene?

I felt like I was in Moscow for a minute

I know that in the past 2 weeks I talked about telling others that Anna is adopted and how it sometimes upsets me. I have to say I am guilty too of telling others so I must learn to be more tolerant of my family. Lesson learned.

I have the unique opportunity to take my Mother to and from her appointments in NYC. Tuesday was one of those appointments. Just for her vaccine, these are long days from start to finish. I have never taken Anna for one of these days because for a little child the wait can be long and boring. Do to the holiday weekend the wait was longer then usual, we waited 3 hours to just see the doctor.

I am getting better at packing things for Anna to do when we wait. I think of Stacy every time I pull out my zip lock bag of guys. At our first meeting this is what she did and I never told her how amazing I thought it was, now we do the same. I included in a couple of 100 piece puzzles. We found a spot in the waiting room where Anna had a table to play on, I had to sit on the floor that is how busy it was.

We unpacked her tiger puzzle. Anna went right to work. First she put the edge together then started to work on the middle. Anna worked intently on the puzzle. We talked about the pieces, I praised her as she found the perfect fit. We had talked about how she had to be quiet in the waiting room, so she promptly put her finger to a man talking to his son and said "shhhh, quiet please." Yes I told her that she was not allowed to do that but I did chuckle because she is really listening to me.

The couple next to us were amazed by how she loves to puzzle. They told me she is a very special little girl. I could hear the Russian accent in the woman's voice. I asked if there were any good Russian restaurants close by? She looked at me and exclaimed "I knew you were Russian!" I giggled and told her Anna was Russian to which I was corrected by the woman. She said "Funny she looks Chuvash not Russian?" Once I giggled because Anna is Chuvash.

We talked about how I adopted Anna and that she was the light of my life. I told her about how every time I hear someone speak Russian I feel like a part of me is home. We talked about pickled tomatoes and other foods I loved while I was there. I told her how I drive to Net Cost in Sheepshead bay for Russian foods. She laughed because that is where she shops. Then I saw a tears in the lady's eyes. She thanked me for adopting Anna. I was so moved by her unexpected kindness towards us. I promised her that I would always take good care of Anna.

After we saw the doctor I took Anna for a walk. I was shocked to see one of the street vendors had a fruit that I ate while I was in Russia. I bought some and for a minute I was back in Russia walking with my precious baby girl.

More about our appointment with the doctor later.


Fruit from NYC May 2011


Fruit from Moscow July 2009

I would love to know what these are called.