June and Ward Cleaver do not live here

June Cleaver
Not June Cleaver and Not the Beaver


Ward Cleaver
Not Ward Cleaver

About two weeks ago one of my blogger friends Amy suggested that we all tell the real story. I think most of us may not want to admit it but attachment and bonding can be very hard. Most of what I have seen is about the child not attaching to the parent but in fact the phenomena of a parent not attaching to a child also exists.

Why write about this now? I was directed by a friend to read another blog where a woman who had been struggling was coming clean. I felt sad for her that she may have thought she was alone. True Anna, Gerard and I seem to not really have had any problem with attachment but this is not the whole truth. Anna and Gerard attached seamlessly from the first day she was home. Gerard opened his heart and she ran right for it. For me on the other hand the attachment process was much slower. When I say it that way I really mean only me.

I think for us many different factors played a big part in the delay of me attaching to Anna. First off those first two weeks I was bombarded with visitors. I never got a full week to establish any type of routine. Rules that I asked certain family members to follow were ignored. This added to my inner frustration. When I approached these individuals I was told "You should give it some time" or "No that is not the case at all." In all honesty that was exactly what I was asking for but was not given.

A few weeks later I learned my Mother had lung cancer that was misdiagnosed for over 3 years. I went from trying to open up to my daughter to strict survival mode which can be perceived as cold and clinical. My maternity leave was fulled with trips to NYC multiple times in a week that lasted 12-14 hours. I can remember waiting in the waiting room and not even thinking if I should check on Anna which was the first realization that the problem was mine not hers.

On some level I am no different then a care taker in one of the baby homes. As a nursery nurse I have a level of immunity to hearing a baby cry. At times I manage the care of 8 newborns. Because of this stressful environment there are many times when a child cries but after 13 years I have a level on conditioning that allows me to continuously prioritize the care of those infants. Holding and cuddling is not my number one concern, knowing they are breathing, hearts are beating and that they are fed is my number one concern. The infants that I care for are usually all dressed in the same white tee shirt with a ducky blanket in my mind there is little differences between them.

I knew before Anna came home that attachment was going to be difficult for me. I had long conversations about this with Gerard. Everything that I learned about attachment I told him. Everything that I asked him to do he did. Gerard was a blessing for Anna and I.

Anna was not a good eater or sleeper which compounded the problem for me. From the minute I came home with her I started the count down clock for when I would have to go back to work. With my Mother's new illness more uncertainty was added. Which meant more stress for me. She was the one who was going to care for Anna while Gerard and I worked. This equalled more stress. Thank goodness La-La had moved back home she was also a blessing.

Me-Me and Hans would come over to play. This provided Anna with a healthy Mother-baby relationship to mirror. Me-Me was too busy caring for Hans to know that she was helping us too. What a blessing.

The stress of our first set of holidays added to my stress. I had only had been back to work for a couple of weeks and my Mother was still quite fragile. There were many times when I first went back to work that I missed more sleep then I should have. Many times I was up for over 24 hours at a time. Christmas Eve was one of those nights.

Losing the dream of how your first Christmas will be was very hard for me. Some family members understood while a few did not and rather then making it easier for us they added to the problem by placing demands on us that were very unrealistic. Even this past year I experienced hurt when gifts were given with a mean spirit attached. I received a book on how to become a happy person. This year will be different no gift giving will occur between the adults. I admit to being human and I held on to some of these disappointments but with each day I do try to let go and forgive.

So what did I do? I acknowledged that I might have Post Adoption Depression. I told Gerard. He made sure that we stayed safe. He made sure that I got the rest that I needed. I distanced myself from those that I felt were causing issues for me. Gerard and I decided that he needed to take Anna a couple of times a week so that I had some free time. He spends most of this time taking Anna to see his parents which is wonderful for Anna and them. He also makes his rounds with Anna to see my Mother too.

Pictures! For me this was the biggest thing that helped me. I took lots of pictures of Anna. In her bedroom I have a picture board that I update regularly. Seeing Anna's pictures everywhere helped to picture her in my life. My friends, I am sure thought I was a little crazy but at work I would walk in and out would come a picture book of Anna so even when I was away from her I was able to see her pictures.

I think for us the biggest break through was when Anna started to sleep better. This did not happen for a couple of months. Anna requires at least 12 hours of sleep a day.

Becoming a Momma later in life I was more set in my ways in my opinion. Not only did I not have the dream of being the perfect Momma I did not have my old life either. Not that I wanted my old life back but I did grieve the loss of it.

Please understand this was all me, Anna transitioned better then I ever would have imagined. I am not sure that we would have made the progress that we have made if Anna had attachment issues. For cases where both the parent and the child have attachment issues I can only imagine the heart break.

Our attachment issues were very mild in my opinion although because it was happening to me it felt devastating and severe. Blogging helped me. Telling funny stories about our day to day life helped me. Knowing that I was not alone helped me. Getting in contact with other adoptive parents helped me. Reading blogs about how others struggled helped me.

Today I can say with 100% certainty that I LOVE Anna but even more importantly I am attached and have bonded with Anna. No this did not happen over night. I also feel like Anna is attached and bonded to me.

I did consider consulting a therapist, in particular Arleta James mostly because I read a private blog where the Mother is very honest about their struggles. Arleta James has helped them to process their attachment issues.

Perspectives Press and Attachment Disorder Site are good resources for pre-adoptive and adoptive parents.

In short we are not the Cleavers. We faced many challenges and still do. You are not alone if you feel this way. There is help available if you are feeling like you might have Post Adoption Depression or attachment issues. Be proactive and be honest with a person you trust.

The Cleavers Hopefully today I will get the picture that I want of Gerard and I but he is busy cleaning the driveway...sigh.

I know you got a sneak peak at my new shutters so here are the before and after pictures.

Old faded shutters and numbers


New shutters and numbers


Gerard is planning on moving the front light to just over the numbers. I love that this little house is our home.