I Have Made a Decision

I have taken the past couple of days to do a bit of soul searching before I made my decision to parent this child. I want to thank everyone who has kept us in their prayers this past week. I had often thought that if I were given the opportunity to adopt a child, any child I would just say yes and run with it. I now know myself better then I did last week. We have decided not to parent this child.

I was really sad this past weekend when I realized that this was the case for us. Gerard never felt comfortable and honestly neither did I. I think that becoming a parent is difficult enough that we should not complicate it more then it already will be. I am going to ask that we all continue to pray for this woman because she has some very difficult decisions to make in the not so near future.

There were many reasons why we came to this decision and the foremost decision was that I would have limited ability to live my life in as the child's mother without feeling that I was being measured by others. I know that this may not make scene to many but I feel that we are too close to the birth parents in location and personal acquaintances for this to really work out. I think I have however softened my thoughts about domestic adoptions and in particular open domestic adoptions.

I had a very long discussion with my agency and the agency that did my home study about my rights. We discussed what an open adoption entails and that I would be able to determine the level of openness that would make me comfortable. Some of my fears were myths and some were reality. Because I only wanted to pursue an international adoption we did not focus on the details of a domestic adoption the conversation was very informative.

I am more committed and determined to complete my Russian adoption then I was before. That is the positive side to this situation. I was starting to have a little bit of doubt creep in that I would never become a mother. I will admit that it has been bitter sweet to watch others receive their referrals before me. I think this is normal reaction. Gerard and I spoke about this at length. I have prayed for patience and I will be patient. I am in no hurry I have realized. Each day that I am waiting for news about my referral just adds to the excitement and love that I already feel for my child. When the time is right I will be matched with the right child for me.

Domestic or International??

When I thought about adoption I never considered a Domestic adoption. The one thing about an international adoption that was so appealing to me is the finality of the whole process. Yes I understood that I would not have an infant and the little tiny clothes that go along with that part of being a mother that never bothered me and still does not. I am a bit older then most of the people who read my blog and having a child naturally statistically may yield a child that could have far worst problems then if I adopted.

The things about international adoption that I have been worried about are of course the attachment and leaving the baby between trips. I think at some point I would feel a nagging feeling of not knowing the whole story or history of the mother and missing some of those early milestones.

With a Domestic adoption I fear interference by the birth mother or if a law would change that could allow a birth parent to return and take my baby away from me. My biggest fear would be going to the hospital and seeing a beautiful little baby and not knowing that the birth mother had already changed her mind and decided to parent the child herself. I have seen this first hand at my job. It happens and I am torn apart watching these adoptive parents bond and feed a baby I know that they will never get to hold again.

Even though international adoption is an emotional roller coaster it seems less emotionally draining because I will not have contact with the birth parents. Right now I am more detached from their pain and despair.

I know that this may make me sound cold and hard but honestly this is only a defensive measure that I have learned to shield myself from pain. As much as I love being a nurse there are consequences and one of those consequences is doing everything that you can to detach and shield yourself from a situation that is hurtful. If I let my emotions creep into my work lives could be lost. I have seen newborns die. I seen mothers cry a cry that is inconsolable.

So now I am faced with a hard decision. I have been approached by someone who is pregnant and does not want to parent the child. I feel in my heart that I could go through with this adoption because I for some reason have little fear that once the adoption is complete I would not have to worry about her returning but the 'what if' is killing Gerard and I. Gerard's gut feeling to NO! I am not sure what my gut feeling is right now. If I make the decision to adoption domestically then I will delay my Russian adoption. What if I do that and the rug is ripped out from under me. I am just waiting on 'The Call.'

I have spoken to my agency and they are still confident that by October I should hear something. So this is my dilemma. I will have to do a lot of should searching and praying in order to make the decision that I am meant to make.

Summer Time=Ice Cream!

What could be better then eating ice cream when it is hot outside? Okay I actually do not eat ice cream. I know I am very crazy. I just do not like it. I hate the way milk smells. I would rather have chocolate cake. Sounds very crazy I know. Even funnier is that Gerard is an ice cream hound. He counts the days until the local ice cream stores open. I get a phone call immediately when one is open.

This is even crazier I usually go to the ice cream shop and bring it home for him. I am sure these people are thinking she is back again?? How she eats a lot of ice cream! I am telling you he frequent at least 4 ice cream shops per week. Not including the ice cream sandwiches that are in the freezer. The worst thing is that he is only about 175 lbs. Stinker!

Gerard is hoping that the little guy is going to love ice cream too. He has big plans for eating ice cream with the little guy.

Before Dottie got her new diet she NEVER got table food. I was told very early when I got her that she is only to have dog food and treats. One nice thing is she never begged at the table. Well that has been thrown out the window. So I figured ice cream and cottage cheese is made with the same stuff (almost). So here she is with her first ice cream. I think she likes it.

I'm Back! No Not From Russia

I know it has been a bit since my last post. I am happy to report that Dottie is doing very well on her diet of cottage cheese and pasta (yuk). She seems to be back to her regular self. I have a great picture of her eating some ice cream that I will post later. It makes me laugh every time I see it.

I guess I have been a bit off this past week. I guess I am just worrying about the things that I can not change. I think up until last week I have been okay with the wait but I got an email last week that felt like a verbal spanking. The email came from my agency and honestly I believe that the intension of the email was to ease every one's concerns and worries about not getting a quick referral. The letter was just a general notice and not addressed to any one person. I know that my feelings were me over reacting. The email basically states that the wait has increased for a child under 18 months of age that is relatively healthy. The time frame was unspecified but it went over how only a certain number of Dossiers can be registered at one time and so forth.

My way of handling news like this is to wait and re-read the message again. Well that is what I did but I made a fundamental mistake. I did not wait long enough so when I re-read it I got even more upset. So my plan is to make a call this week to just check in with my coordinator. I know that there is no news but I want to talk to her about the email and make sure that I am not blowing it out of proportion (As I am sure I am doing just that).

I do have some happier news. I spent the weekend with my 2 youngest nephews. We took the littlest one (Sloan 5 months) to the beach for the first time. I got some great pictures of them with my sister and my Mother. We took the kids to a kiddy amusement park that is around the corner from me. What a difference a year can make. Last year Aristotle (5) was not tall enough to ride the small go-karts by himself. Well this year he was able to ride it by himself. His reaction was priceless. "Yes I get the red one!!" I would love for you all to see a picture of them because they are very cute but I keep forgetting to ask my sister if it is okay to post their pictures.

So there you have it. No good news and no bad news, just no news!

How much Russian do you speak??

I have to say the thought of being in another country and not being able to speak the language is a bit frightening for me. Anyone who has driven in my car knows that in my CD player right now is at least one conversational Russian CD. When I started this journey one of the things that I wanted to achieve was the ability to speak Russian.

I can tell you that I am failing. In the beginning I was actually listening to one of these CDs and was able to understand and then repeat the conversations. Gerard was even picking up some of the phases too. So today I went to the library to see if they had the Rosetta Stone courses in Russian. Well I am in luck they do however not for long. The contract expires in August 2008. I wonder how much Russian I will be able to understand is that short amount of time?

Oh I almost forgot I found a Russian Festival in Baltimore, MD in October. I was have made the decision that if I am not traveling I am going to make a long weekend and go.

Here is the link Russian Festival 2008

An Exercise in Being Positive **Edited**

Everyday Gerard and I try to tell each other at least one positive story or thing that happened for that day. We try our best to focus on the things that the positive in our lives. I think this is the reason why I have been pretty happy the past couple of years and also the reason why the wait is not killing me. I am hoping that this technique will help me through the wait between the two trips.

Secretly I have read many blogs and prayed that this person or that person get their referral before me. I know that this may sound crazy but this is what I have done. Well today my good story was about a fellow blogger that I do not know well. I stumbled upon her blog during her wait between trips. She has done everything that she can to remain positive. Well she got her call to return to her little one.

God works in mysterious ways. Please send your thoughts and prayers to Matt and Carla for a safe speedy trip.

**Edited** Please Becky and Keith all of your thoughts and prayers as well. She got her court dates too!!!**

Better Sweet Weekend

Joy, Aunt Jonna, Jenny

Last week I found out some news that made me a bit sad for the moment. My Aunt Jonna has passed away. She was my Father's who lived in Denmark. Jenny and I visited her in 2002 when we took a tour of Europe. She was 99 years old. The interesting things about her was that she always remembered us. By the time Jenny and I were born she my Father was a bit older. Many thought he would never have children.

Aunt Jonna would come to visit us when she traveled to the Untied States. One time I remember she had packed an entire smoked fish in her suit case for my Father. I am not talking about a small fish either. That thing was HUGE!

Aunt Jonna was like a Grandmother to me. My Father's mother died very young in her thirties and my Grand Father on my Father's side remarried. I only ever met this woman once and never heard from her. She died a couple of years ago. I always found it interesting that even though she was very close to my Aunts she never wanted to have contact with us. Sad she really missed out on a lot of fun. My Aunt Jonna was very sad to hear that she never made an effort to see us, talk to us or even write us.

I come from a blended family. My parents taught us to be accepting of all our family members. The interesting thing is I think this was one way for them to teach how to love my half sisters which is a term that I NEVER remember anyone ever using. They were just my sisters. I am sure that many times they thought that Jenny and I were favored but I can remember thinking the opposite. Interesting the perception of a small child. I do not think my nieces and nephews really understood that we all did not have the same set of parents at least until they were older. The six of us just grew up together because we were sisters.

Of course I think in the back of every adoptive parent's mind you wonder if your child will be accepted. I know that even for me that was a concern. I talked with each of my nieces and nephews separately about the adoption and how we would be the only family that my little one will know. I am not always sure that this has sunk in but I bet it will one day.

Here is one interesting and funny story about when we visited Denmark. Jenny is an extremely picky eater. The pickiest eater I know or will ever know. When I spoke with Aunt Jonna before we left for Denmark she asked me what do we like to eat. Now Jenny will eat chicken and beef and very little else. Me I will try just about anything at least once or twice.

We got to Aunt Jonna's house after a long flight with no food that Jenny or as Aunt Jonna would say Yenny would eat. She was starving. The chicken was cooking in the oven. Aunt Jonna told me that was special for Yenny and I was going to have fish. I say Okay with me. Yenny is drooling at the mouth that is how good this "chicken" smelled. The table is set and Aunt Jonna started to cut the chicken and Yenny is looking over her shoulder and turns to me.

She starts to silently mouth the words "That is not chicken and I am NOT eating that!!!"

At the same time Aunt Jonna says "Oh Yenny I think I got a duck instead?"

Yenny hates duck and fish! We sat down to the table to eat and Yenny is freaking out because it is not polite to refuse to eat so that was not an option.

She looks at both the duck and the fish and tells Aunt Jonna "I know that you have made the duck special for me but just LOVE fish. I do not know what Joy or Yoy was talking about?" So who do think gets the duck yup me. Apparently the fish was excellent. Yenny had seconds.

So Many Thoughts and Feelings

I can remember back to when I first became an Aunt. The excitment just about killed me. I was 12 years old. See that is what happens when you are number 5 out of 6 children. I swore that once I became an Aunt that I would be there for my nieces and nephews for any thing that they might need.

Even though all my Mother's family lives within 10 miles of me we never really got together much when I was a child. Things are different now but I still remember thinking that I wish they wanted to spend more time with us. Again when you are #5 out of 6 children most of scratch that all of your cousins are much older then you are.

Now that I am older and I understand more I see that it was just a difference in age thing and nothing else. Actually I go to church with one of my Aunts on most Sundays. Every month we pretty much all get together for lunch unless I am so sound asleep that an earthquake could not wake me.

My Father's family was never close to us. They live so far away that this makes it very hard. I can honestly say that I have only half heartedly tryied to maintian the contact since my Father is gone. This past week I got a call from one of my Aunts out there and apparently her Husband (my Uncle) Is very sick. I never thought that I would be this sad to out this information. I guess because once they are gone I know that my contact with my Father's family will be gone completely.

I have cousins that I have never meet. Ironically one is also a nurse. Aside from this little bit of information that is all I know about them. I wonder if I would like them or reversely whether they even think of me.

I would not even know how to get into contact with the rest of the family. Most of them live in Canada or Denmark. My Father immagrated here when he was a teenager.

These are all stange feelings but I wonder if these are similar feelings that my child might feel in respect to his first parents? I think this is something that I should prepare for when my little one is older. One interesting thing was when I was decideing on which country to adopt from Russia was my first choice because of how close St Petersburg is to Denmark. I firgured that when I travel I could hit Russia and Denmark in one trip.

No Adoption News-Just Dottie News

Well as many of you know that have read this blog for the past couple of weeks I have been challenged by Dottie. She has been on and off pretty sick. The other day she never made it out of the bed expect when I picked her up to take her outside. Now that she is back on the antibiotics once again she is back to her sparkly self. I think I am just crazy at times because it seems so unpredictable. The Vet called me back and there seems to be only a very slight improvement in her urine.

She is in renal failure and the doctor told me that he is not optimistic about the future. So we will follow up with another urine and exam in one month. She is also on a new low protein diet. Pasta and cottage cheese. Yum. The poor thing ate it down like I was giving her a treat. No more treats only cooked pasta.

The ironic thing is that because I never had a dog before I followed all the rules. She never got table food one dog food. We went for obedience training. When I first got her I discouraged her from barking, scratching and licking. She is one of the quietest dogs that I have ever seen. So I guess I will just have to wait and see what the next couple of months bring us. I know that what ever path this takes it will be the path that God has planned for her.