Happy Mother's Day

I want to wish all the Mothers in the world a Happy Mother's Day. Every birth, foster, adoptive, God and Grandmother.

made it to Memphis

On the ground in Memphis. Next stop Kansas City. I will say the airport BBQ is calling my name.

My first time

I can not believe I just kissed Anna and Gerard and walked into the airport alone. What a different feeling. This is the first time I have been so far away from Anna. Originally Gerard was going to take a vacation day because being away from both of us is difficult but now I do not have to worry about that. What a big relief.

They have a bunch of fun stuff planned for this week. I plan to get a ton of reading for school done if I do not get distracted. Anna cried and told me "Mommy stay Anna" I told her I had to go so she switched it to "Anna go." When I told her she could not go there were some tears. Daddy is way better at getting her to settle down. Out came the portable DVD player so she was happy and told me so. One more big hug and they were off.

I am boarding now so wish me luck.

Kansas City here I come

Well actually Independence, Missouri here I come. When I was waiting for Anna I completed my Bachelor's degree in Nursing. I was lucky because I was able to do it all online. I was all set up to continue with the same school but was waiting because those classes were 5-6 weeks long and very intense. If I decided to stay with my current school I would only need 29 more credits toward my MSN.

I am glad I waited. I have found a new school that I can do most of the course material online with the exception of the two visits to Independence, Missouri and the clinical portion. Once I am finished I will have a Masters degree in Nursing and qualify to sit to become a Nurse Practitioner (NP). If I had stayed with my previous school I would not have met the requirements to sit for my NP.

So what does that mean? What this means is as a Nurse Practitioner I will have many more opportunities within my career to earn more money with the potential of being out of the house less. Working the night shift takes a toll on a person. Both Gerard and I have aged as a result of us not sleeping as much as we need to sleep. My hopes is that one day soon Gerard and I will both be back to working the day shift. I think that with the ability to work as a Nurse Practitioner I may be able to drop down to part time hours.

Why now? Well to put it simply I must because legislation has changed. If I were to wait I would need to have a doctorate in nursing. My current employer will pay for a portion of my MSN but will not pay for any portion of a doctorate. I must have this degree completed and be licenced as a Nurse Practitioner before 2015.

How will this affect Anna? My hope is that she will not be affected much at all. Anna will be enrolled into summer camp preschool that will be 4 days per week. Gerard and I struggled with should we send her to summer preschool. Gerard did not want her to go mostly because he wants her to be able to have a break from school. I on the other hand wanted her to go because her speech therapy will continue throughout the summer.

We discussed this and the final decision was we will send Anna to summer preschool. We think Anna will benefit greatly from this program. My hope is to be able to complete my school work when Anna is at school. In September I think Anna will start all day pre-school so I will have more time to complete my classroom work.

I will be missing Mother's day with Anna because of traveling but Gerard and Anna have plans on taking me to breakfast then the airport. I like to think everyday is Mother's day anyway. So if you were traveling to Kansas City or should I say Independence, Missouri what would you do or want the see? I love to explore new places.

Dear Anonymous (Julie W.)

Dear Anonymous,
I feel like there have been so many times that I have started a blog post with this same title. This time I just could not get you out of my mind. Julie for you to reach out to me about your situation is exactly the reason why I wrote about Our Big News. For those who may not read the comments here is what she wrote:

Anonymous said...
Joy
I enjoy your blog so much. My husband was laid off 2 years ago, and he is still looking for a full time job with benefits. We are struggling, but luckily we are making it (barely) and we appreciate the few silver linings that there are. Anyways, if you could squeeze in a prayer that Chris W. in Illinois could find a job, we'd appreciate it! I love your positive attitude and like I have said before, I just love your little blog, it is so hopeful and full of love for your little family.
Julie W.

I love this blog mostly because of people like you, Julie. I know so many prayed for Anna, Gerard and I over the past couple of years and have never told us. Gerard and I usually talk about pretty much every post and all the comments that I receive. After I posted about Our big news and I received your comment Julie I thought long and hard about your situation. Gerard was asleep but I felt that waking him up was the right thing to do so I did. We read you comment together. That night we prayed together for you and your situation.

I will say that I got an overwhelming feeling of relief. Again I know you all will think I am crazy but Julie I just wanted you to know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Please when your husband gets the job that he needs for your family please email me or comment. I will remember you.

Our Big News!

I feel so blessed. At times I think my reaction to events in my life are totally in God's hands. I could never imagined being this happy in our current situation. The big event in our life is that Gerard has been laid off.

I have known Gerard for 23 years in all that time he was only laid off one other time, the day before Christmas. After that lay off he had a new better job with in 2 weeks. I suspect that we may have to wait a longer time for him to be offered a new job based on the current job market.

Let me rewind a bit, this all started after our trip to Washington D.C. Gerard came home on Monday afternoon and told me of the situation. He was upset, more quiet then usual. I knew Gerard had been thinking about changing jobs but in the past he has always been cautious and waited until he had a new job first.

The news came on Good Friday that this would be Gerard's last day. We wanted wait to tell anyone so that we could all enjoy the holiday. Easter day was beautiful so I am glad that we waited.

We had talked about how a change in his job would affect our current schedule but never imagined that we would soon have to start living it. I know that he felt like he would miss out on time with Anna if he worked during the day (I was not convinced). See on days when I worked together he would pick Anna up from school, spend the afternoon with her then come home for dinner. I always argued that he could spend more time with her after work everyday if he worked the day shift. So him switching to a day shift job has been a big debate for the past couple of months.

I think on many levels a woman is most fulfilled when she has a child and feels the most useful. I know that having Anna has changed me in many ways and Gerard for that matter. I think men like my Father, Gerard's Father and Gerard gain self-esteem by providing for their families. When a job is taken from them I think there is a grieving process that many do not realize happens. I think many families have financial stresses and ours is no different. We have many people who depend on us not only Anna. We discussed right away a few of the most important issues. I believe that we have come up with solutions for each one. For most people losing a job is devastating for Gerard this is no different.

So that is the situation and here is my reaction. I am actually quite shocked by my reaction. At first I was mad, very mad. I started to think about all the holidays that we had to cut short so he could work. At his old job you were only off for a holiday if it fell on your day off, this included every holiday including Christmas. In the past scheduling holidays was always tricky because I am also responsible to work a number of holidays at my job. I had already started to worry about Christmas of 2011 because he was not going to be off and I really want Anna to wake up at home with at least one parent on the holidays. My hope is that he will get a job that is a little more family friendly.

Here is where the amazing part comes in, once I processed that we would not be where we are today without the job he had I could see that this is all part of God's plan for us. By the time Gerard got home on Good Friday I had already processed all of those feeling of being mad. I was suddenly excited about what lies ahead. I know many have not met me in person but when I am excited it is contagious.

I was careful not to overwhelm him because he does take much longer to process many of these types of emotions then I do. I looked at him told him I loved him, he could not look at me in the eye. He felt like he failed us. I decided that we needed to just play around for a little while so that is what we did. I was sad for him that he could not see what I saw but I knew with time he would.

Over the next few days we were glued together so to speak. I kept telling him how happy I was that he was home. I kept pointing out how much fun he was having with Anna. Most importantly I kept pointing out that we were so lucky that this happened. I feel like this is such a blessing. I have always tried to believe that something good can come out of situations that seem difficult or bad, this is the very same thing I kept telling Adrienne when her when she was in New Jersey and the adoption of the little girl did not come to be. I think when you are in the thick of a situation that you can only see as hopeless or bad seeing that silver lining is extremely difficult. I believe that some times these situations are placed in our path to remind us that we are not in control. I think these types of situations help to humble us to ask for God's guidance.

I was off for most of the week that followed so each time I could see him beating himself up in his head I made him look at me straight in the eye and I told him how happy I was. I also told him that I was not worried about the money part either. Here is the amazing part I really mean every thing that I say. Just reading this paragraph I am tearing up with happy tears.

We all went out to dinner the other night, nothing special just Taco Bell, I looked at him I told him again how happy I was he was home then he looked at me and I started to cry. I know this is so hard to explain and my words will not do this justice you all will just think I am a bit crazy. I felt like for so long we have been running a race that never ends. I feel like we have wasted precious time working that we could be spending with Anna as a family.

Since Anna has come home Gerard has not had much time off at the most 4 days in a row. He has powered through working and taking care of the houses. I have never as long as I have known Gerard ever had to worry about him feeling the need to hold down our sofa. Literately, if he sits down at home for about 20 minutes a day that is it. Early last week he made a list of things that need to be done at the houses and he is powering through it. The list is 7 pages long so he is still very busy. Work that he was putting off until he had a stretch off is now on the top of the list.

Anna has never had the luxury of having both of us home together this much. I think this break for Gerard has been nothing but positive for Anna. I pray that in the end Gerard is able to see this too. In the past week Anna has been climbing into both of our laps and telling us that she loves us which is very new. I see that Anna feeds off of my emotions and I think this is a direct result of how I have been trying to reassure and support Gerard.

I wanted to wait to make this public until we told our families. I know there are some family members who read the blog so I wanted them to hear from us rather then from the Internet. We needed to make sure that our families understand that we see this as a blessing. Out of respect to Gerard's feelings I wanted to wait until he told his parents. This required us processing our feelings first that is the only reason why we waited.

I guess what I want my message to be today is that something positive comes from all things that we struggle with. Being laid off has ruined many families in the past couple of years. I am sure that each one of us knows of at least one person who has been laid off. I have chosen to support Gerard emotionally. I want him to know that bigger things are on the horizon.

I bet some of you are scratching your heads and saying is this the same person who wanted to separate from Gerard. My answer is yes it is me. I am sure that the struggles that Gerard and I had in our relationship last year was preparation for today's struggle.

If you or someone you know is struggling with the loss of a job I beg you to look at it as a blessing. This is hard but if you are able to see how it has benefited you perhaps your outlook many change.

Avoidance & Anna's first real play date

Yes that is the word that I would use to describe my behavior. I have so much that I need to write about yet I hate to keep a secret. Soon I promise I will be able to tell you what is testing us. I so want to tell you because I am a little shocked at my own personal response that I think it might help others.

Saturday was a big day for us. I picked Anna up from the camp ground. Ann got to go with La-La, Jim Dear, Greg, Me-Me and Hans. The camp ground is literally up the street from my home and I knew Gerard was going to be home if she got scared and wanted to come home. She had a great time. I am not really camping material but I may have to start to make an exception for Anna.


We were invited to watch Anna's teacher get married. Miss C sent home a notice about 2 weeks ago, Anna had no real clue as to what we were doing but was excited to see her friends. We watched from the balcony. By far we had the best seats in the house.

About halfway through the service Anna was getting a little restless. This was a very special day for Miss C so I decided to take Anna outside to wait for the service to end. We blew a few bubbles (Miss C said that is what she was going to have at the church so we were prepared). A few minutes later the guest started to come out of the church. We were joined by all but one child from her class so I was glad that I made the effort to take Anna...at least I was up to that point.

Waiting for Miss C.

We all waited at the front of the church for the formal pictures to be done then out came Miss C now know as Mrs. M. She wanted a picture with all the students and before I knew it one of the other mothers pushed Anna to the front of the pack of kids. Anna was still quite busy blowing bubbles. I felt my heart beat race, I called out to Mrs. S the teacher's assistant to keep an eye on Anna. I remember trying to push my way to the front to be able to grab Anna.

I was able to see on my tip toes Mrs. M bend down for a quick photo, Anna was like a bubble machine. Then I saw Mrs. M step away. I reached into try and grab Anna who was about 6 inches too far away, then I heard it. The shocked sighs from the crowd. Then I heard Anna say to Mrs S "All done. Empty." I knew in the pit of my stomach this was not good. I stretched to reach her and caught a glimpse of the flower girl in her beautiful taupe colored dress cover from chest to hem with Anna's bubbles.

I am not sure what happened. Mrs. S said someone knocked into Anna which I am sure is what happened but it did not make me feel any better. Mrs. S said she would explain it to Mrs. M and that it would be okay. I just feel so bad for Mrs. M but worst for the flower girl who was old enough to know this was not good.

I want to get her something so that she knows just how sorry I am but I just do not know what to pick up. Anna and I have practiced saying sorry so that she can tell Mrs. M herself.

After the wedding Anna had her first real play date with a classmate. I drive and pick up Anna so I have met a few of the mothers and see them pretty much everyday. I had suggested that we do something after the wedding to the one mother that I really like so we decided to play at her house.

Here is the craziness about how small of a town I live in. We watched Vivian's house be built. They live across the lagoon from Gerard's parents. I am about 90% sure I took care of Vivian when she was born.

I really like this mother (Virginia). She is funny, quick witted and likes to have fun. Vivian has good manners and I like what I have seen of Virginia's parenting of her daughter. The girls played hard together and really seemed to have fun. I am so sad for us that Vivian will be going into kindergarten because I really like her and her parents. I hope our paths cross again some day. Hopefully we will be able to get together again.

I do have some pictures to add to this entry but I am blogging from my phone. I promise to add them later.