Feeling the impact of baby JoanMarie

I think it is amazing just how quickly a family can change. When Anna is not by my side I feel like I am missing someone. Our family Christmas celebration with Gerard's family was moved to Sunday. Gerard's Aunt (who lives near us) was ill last week and that was the main reason why the celebration was moved. We decided to met at AM's house because she is the half way point between us and Gerard's cousin.

Anna loves going to see as she puts it "Mine baby JoanMarie!" When ever she hears Uncle Eddie on the phone she tells him "You go hold mine baby JoanMarie!" The drive is pretty long about 1 1/2 hours and we did make one detour to Ikea but we were only there for a grand total of 30 minutes. Gerard does not care for a crowd. Anna told us "Auntie AM lives far away." Amazing how she is able to understand the relationship between distance and time.

Anna played with her cousins Christopher and Aiden. They are much older but that did not stop her from making one into a horse to carry her around the house. In typical Anna style she told him "You be a horse, I be Belle." For those of you not up on your Disney characters that Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Then she proceeded to act out much of the movie for them, specifically the parts with the horse.

As it got to be time to pack up and go home, Anna found her way to JoanMarie's bedroom. She managed to pull a chair over and climb into her crib. (Baby JoanMarie was down stairs) She proceeded to tell me "I a baby" then acted like one by producing a fake cry and kicking her legs like a baby. Usually, I hold her and rock her when she does this but this time she wanted nothing to do with that. She only wanted to stay, in the crib and be a baby.

Anna was quite upset when we did have to leave telling me she was a baby, and needed to stay there in the crib. It broke my heart because even though everyone else thought it was cute, I believe it was Anna missing the feeling of being loved as a baby. The ride home was more than a challenge. She cried, whined, and kicked most of the ride home. About 30 minutes into the ride she started to cry that she was a baby and needed to be put in a crib like a baby.

I rode the rest of the way home in the back seat holding her in the car seat, she cried most of the way. About 15 minutes from home she asked for her "phone" which is actually LeapPad that Santa brought her for Christmas. We played with a few games and she told me "I better."

I make a point to not to hold JoanMarie much, I have never fed her or changed her. I reinforce that this is what Mommas and Daddies do for their babies. We talk about how I do these things for her as well. I think the most interesting part of this behavior is that it usually only happens when we see JoanMarie. Anna loves the baby and tells her so which I think is a good thing. She is very gentle with the baby and only touches her when she is told she can. Anna's face beams when she gets close to the baby which I think is also a good thing. Anna does get very distressed when JoanMarie cries, more distressed then I have ever seen any other child get. I know this feeling of anxiety that Anna gets when she cries is a result of her time in the orphanage. She truly cares about JoanMarie.

I feel sad that Anna missed out on my holding her when she was a tiny baby. I wish things were different, and yet I know if they were different than Anna would be different too. I love Anna exactly the way she is today, completely. There is nothing I would ever want to change about her.