God's timing not mine.

Over the years I have struggled, with God's timing. Seriously, I want it all, the house, the baby, the career, and the man. Usually, this is an internal dialogue that I have with myself. I almost never speak these words because I think it sounds selfish.

A hundred years ago when Gerard and I were planning a wedding there seemed to be every road block in our way. Not just the usual road blocks of planning a wedding but big huge boulders. At times I struggle with the thought of not being married. I wanted things a certain way, quite frankly a way that is just not possible.

Before our decision to adopt was made my mind was on a constant internal dialogue of having a child. Nope not one minute passed without thinking about having a baby. I wonder how many others have this same internal conversation with themselves?

I have learned that I live on God's timing. Sure most of the time I pray that our timing (God's and mine) are the same. I have still not learned that lesson so I will face it many more times in my life. I am however getting better. Here is how I know I am making progress.

When I came home from Russia MY plan was that my Mother would be watching Anna. In my family we are really funny about who watches our children. I know it may sound weird but I guess when your family is so close they are the ones that your trust with your baby.

When Anna first came home we struggled. There were many struggles but I remember thinking how am I going to be able to go to work in 6 weeks and leave her with Mother? This was before we knew my Mother had cancer. Anna had no routine, and there was very little sleep in our house. Anna would be up crying for hours, not a soft little cry but full on screaming for hours from about 8 pm to 1 am. I remember Gerard's Mother stopping by with a friend to meet Anna she heard Anna screaming and I know she was shocked.

We kept much of this information private because we did not want Anna to be judged harshly. Many of our family members did not understand and still do not understand just how difficult the transition was for Anna, Gerard and I. La-La stepped in and became our babysitter. Which was perfect for us and for Anna. I knew La-La had the energy my Mother did not have to watch Anna. It came to a point where Anna would fall asleep for her without any issues and only scream for me.

The first time Anna fell asleep for me after screaming for only 45 minutes made me cry with tears of joy. I know this sounds weird. Today we have a little different routine that I credit Gerard with completely. Once he was laid-off I started to pick up more work, La-La was an expense that we could no longer afford. I would get her ready in her PJs before I left about 6pm, he feeds her a snack or plays with her until about 7pm then it becomes quiet time in our house. Now a days all Gerard has to say is "Its quiet time" and the toys get picked up and the light get lowered. I wished he would read books to her but that is not something Gerard likes to do. He will how ever let her read books to him during quiet time and believe me she does.

Then they turn on a good night program from Sprout. After about 45 minutes she requests to go to bed. The funny cute thing is she makes him carry her every night even if she is awake. I love seeing this kind of bonding an attachment. The two usually snuggle on the sofa watching the show with a blanket. If I am home she will only snuggle with me which makes me happy. We are approaching the three year make and finally I feel like the routine is good.

My friend said to me the other day "I have never once heard you complain that Gerard was laid-off. Why?" This made me laugh a bit then I realized I had not complained. When Gerard was laid-off we were still in the very new phase of repairing and rebuilding our relationship. I struggled the first couple of days with the lay-off mostly because I felt it had been done unfairly but I quickly got over that when I saw the good that was coming from him being home with us. Little things like the bedtime routine.

So for the past 9 almost 10 months Gerard has been unemployed. He has completed many projects on our homes that needed his attention. He has spent every night with Anna. He has caught up on sleep he desparatelyneeded. I know the reason why now he was laid-off now. It was to make the attachment and bonding with Anna even stronger. Not only do I still love him but I also like him again.

Over the past 9 almost 10 months I prayed for not a job but for the right job for him. Okay I was a little selfish and prayed for him to be off for Christmas since I was not. I prayed that our finances would hold out. Not only did they hold out but we managed to pay off quite a bit of debt. About 2 weeks ago he was called to an interview, there is a funny story attached to that interview but this post is already way too long. Within 24 hours he was hired for the job.

The location of the job is perfect. If he had to start working up north again that would not have been ideal mostly because of the tolls and cost of commuting. My thirty minute commute costs me close to 50 dollars a week. If he were working up north the cost would be closer to 125 dollars a week for him to just get to work and home...yikes that is a lot of money.

Back were my concerns about Anna and child care. Because we do not know what shift Gerard will be working or his days off, it is really hard to set up anything. So we were in a bit of a wait and see dilemma. About a week ago my Mother came to my house on her way home from work. She was a little sad to say she was laid-off. Now we had not told anyone about Gerard's new employment mostly because we prefer to have the answers to the questions our family asks it just seems easier. I told my Mother I was happy because now she can help us out with Anna.

I guess the point is when Anna came home and I questioned God's timing for my Mother's cancer, and Gerard being laid-off I did not know what God's plan was for me. Yes, his plan was much better than mine. I think that goes without saying. So now I am praying for the right shift for Gerard. The one that will benefit our family the best. He and I talked about how him working the night shift might be near impossible now. There was once a time that we thought him working the day shift was not a good idea too. So we are in a holding pattern still but I wanted to share that Gerard is now officially employed and we are very thankful.

Julie W how are things in your family?