Adoption Tax credit...sigh

Well it has been months since I filed my taxes. I am pretty sure it was March. I felt a rush of excitement when I saw what I was expected to receive in my tax return. My thoughts quickly went to the credit card debt that I had accumulated for my travels to Russia. My imagination got even crazier. This would mark the first time that I might actually be able to realistically go part time.

I know working 3 days a week does not sound like much to many but the hours away from Anna are even harder now that she is attached. Many nights even on ones where I do not have to work I am asked if I am leaving. She just needs me here with her, she needs to know that I am right there if she needs me.

The spring was crazy, I had already decided back in January that we would be going to Disney for Anna's birthday. I knew that paying for this trip was not going to be a big deal because of the adoption tax credit...sigh. I love when things are stress free. I have lived many different ways in my life. At times I had more debt then I ever could have imagined but somehow I paid it all off. While waiting for Anna to come home I got used to having more money in the bank. By far that is the most comfortable feeling I have ever had as an adult.

My hopes of dropping down to part time were dashed when Gerard was laid off. Still months later I am waiting for my tax return like so many who have adopted right along with me. I have received the letters saying that it is delayed, it is being reviewed. I even got a letter saying I will hear something by August if they are not too busy.

At first I was mad. I wanted my money. I wanted to have this little bit of debt paid off. I wanted to be able to easily plan summer vacations and think about Anna's up coming birthday and just have that feeling back of having a little bit of money in the bank.

Then I became more mad realizing that my hopes for dropping to part time were gone. I will not lie, I yelled at Gerard once because he complained about being home and not being able to go to a job. I told him I had wished it was me who was laid off...sigh. I guess the reality is those plans were not meant to be.

If I had gotten the refund back in April I could be in a situation that is much worst with Gerard being laid off and me only working part time. The delay in the tax refund was God's plan for us. I admit today it was a better plan then putting in a pool or spending money on a couple of vacations. When and if I get the refund I think I will take the money and thoroughly think through what is the best decisions for our family.

I feel like it will still be awhile before I see my refund, if I see it at all. My feelings of being mad are gone and replaced with feelings of happiness because we are able to still live a very good life without the return. I do still yearn to be part time and hope that one day I will be able to do just that. For today I am happy I have a job to go to and that Gerard is able to care for Anna so well in my absence.

I am choosing to end my vacation early because I needed Tuesday off. I can not thank Lynn enough for our 4am conversation and her agreeing to switch with me. More on that on Tuesday mostly because I am having a hard time writing about what is on the horizon for us.