Anna riding her bike out side for the first time

We had dinner with Grammy and Papa last night at their house. On our way out the door Anna saw a little girl riding her bike down the street. Anna got so excited that she pulled out her bike from Papa and Grammy's down stairs room and brought it straight to the front door.

She has been practicing with Papa in the downstairs. They even practice stopping to pay a toll. Which is pretty funny if you have ever been to New Jersey that is all we ever do here.

I wanted to post this quick because we are off to the beach.

Rush, rush, rush

I feel like some days there is not nearly enough hours in the day. This past week in particular I have felt nothing but rushed. The way my schedule has been falling with working the two jobs is three in a row. Two twelve hour shifts and one eight hour shift to be exact. At my regular full time job we have been so busy that I have been getting out late pretty much everyday. This is particularly unusual for me because I do LOVE leaving work on time. I have about a 35-40 minute commute so that is another reason why I dislike leaving work late. If I time it right Anna is usually still asleep when I get home.

I am not sure if I feel less urgency to get out on time knowing that Gerard is home with Anna or what it is but I vow to get out on time every morning I can. Add in school work and house work and I feel exhausted. Thankfully my classes are coming to an end. I love being on the downward slide and wrapping it all up. Next trimester I will be down to one class and Anna will be in school full time so I think it may feel a little easier in a couple of weeks.

At the being of the year I planned out my vacations like I usually do. I like having them planned in advance mostly because I like to spread my time off evenly throughout the year. Usually I average a week off every month. For the last couple of months I have had different things crop up in the middle of my vacations that have made them feel rushed. Yesterday I started my summer vacation a lovely 12 days off. My schedule will be very tight when I go back to work as I will be working 5 out of 6 days. I know it does not sound like a lot but it is 56 hours not counting the commute.

Which browse.vs me to Anna, in the past week when she has been out with Gerard while I sleep or do homework she has been asking for me a lot. I breaks my heart to hear her tell me "I need you, mamma" so I decided that this vacation is all hers. I want to spend as much time as possible with her. Quality time, not me picking up the house or read a research study while she plays but time just having fun with her.

Gerard and I have agreed that I will use the mornings to do some school work but by noon the books all get closed. This is a very special week coming up for us. I am toying with the idea of packing up and heading out of town for a couple of days. I am trying to resist this because I have other plans for the money that I would spend, more on that later this week perhaps.

For the next couple of days I have decided we are not going to rush anywhere to do anything.

Anna horsing around.

Here is another cute video of Anna horsing around. She LOVES horses and I hope to be able to start her in riding classes as soon as she is old enough. We are lucky because we have a riding school right here in town. PS Yes I am still in my night gown...Sorry.

A video...finally!

How many years has it been since I started blogging? A couple is the answer. How many videos of Anna have I put up on the blog? None is the answer. Hopefully that will change. I love my new phone is does everything including video. I think I have finally figured out how to put download a video from my phone to YouTube to post to Blogger.

This was a very short video that I took on our way home from the museum in Washington D.C. We had played with Jolynn, Rich and Jacob most of the afternoon.

So this morning as I was playing the video Anna actually answered the questtions that I was asking in the video. Poor thing is tired and does not want o get up for school.

When I read blogs or comments I insert in my head what I think you all sound like. Do I sound like what you thought I would sound like?

Photos submitted!

I can hardly believe that next week I will be completing my third of the four Post Placement Reports required by Russia. The other day I submitted the pictures to my adoption agency and now I am just mapping out when I will be able to get a final deep cleaning done prior to my visit.

I know that having a spotless house is not what Christine my Social worker is looking for but I feel out of respect that it should be clean and neat prior to her coming. I am sure that I am not alone. Last year I felt a little ambivalent about my visit. This year everything feels different. Amazing how different a person can feel in just one year.

I had a hard time picking pictures as usual for the report. How does one pick 10 pictures to describe entire year? I love them all but I know this is part of Anna's permanent record in Russia so I want to make sure that they really focus on Anna. Russian are funny they are less amused by pictures of people smiling then we are in the United States.

She sure has grown. I pulled out my photobooks yesterday for my sister Jenny to look through. Prior to this summer she had only met Anna about 3 times because of her line of work. I loved going through the pictures and explaining them. I did feel a little sad for those family members who have not made it a priority to be in Anna's life. Who knows what this year will bring. Last year was so different perhaps this coming year will bring my family closer together.

You never know who you might meet!

Anna and my Mother
Where I live there is a local theater called Surflight. Here is a little know fact about me I used to sing and act. Not as much as my sister but I held my own. Last year Surflight was in financial trouble and almost closed its doors forever. I promised myself last year that if they were still open this year that I would take Anna to see at least one play.

The season has just opened for them and I was reminded that they have a children's theater so I took a look at the schedule. To my surprise there were a couple of plays that I thought Anna would enjoy. I had thought about taking Anna to see Lion King this summer but I do think she is still a little young for that trip. As luck would have it I was off last night and Sleeping Beauty was playing so yesterday morning I got out my debt card and purchased 3 tickets.

Anna loved the play. In my opinion it was a less scary version of the story which was very nice. The actors and actresses were all young which was so nice to see. As we waited for the play to start there was a young girl in front of us who was super excited because her younger sister was acting in the play. She watched the show with such enthusiasm. All I could think was how sweet she was being there for her younger sister.

We got to talking as I usually always do if there is a random stranger in a five foot radius of me as Gerard would say and low and behold she was an actual, honest to goodness star. Yup, we sat and watched the performance with the young girl who is the voice of the KoKo from the children's show Chuggington. Here is the write up about her in my local newspaper.



Brigid Harrington's Facebook page.
When my sisters and I were younger we were in a drama club called Our Gang Drama. It was a fun activity. As we were talking I told her about how I was in the first version of Christmas Under the Sea. A play written by the director of Our Gang Drama, Sherry. Funny I remember my sister was a mermaid and my other was a starfish but for the life of me I can not remember what I was. The actors and actresses in the play did such a wonderful job that I have pulled out my master schedule book and will be buying up some tickets for other performances.

Brigid Harrington also is appearing on Broadway in the musical Mary Poppins. Perhaps I will talk my one sister into going with me, that was her favorite play.

Anna watched the play with such emotion. When the "Bad lady" as she called her was on I could feel her tense up. She sat on my lap the whole time. I know she loved it. When the "Bad lady" left the stage she told me it was 'Okay'. During the curtain call Anna yelled and clapped for everyone except the "Bad Lady" She put her hands down on her lap and waited. Anna even mustered up the nerve to ask he "Bad Lady" for an autograph, who by the way was a very nice lady.

After the show they all signed autographs and me being the ill prepared and haphazard person who I am according to Gerard had nothing for them to sign. A little quick thinking and I had them all sign her ticket. Anna LOVED Prince Philip. He was her favorite of course.

What a wonderful night! Here are all the future stars.



"Bad Lady" in case you were wondering


This is Brigid Harrington little sister, a star in the making

June and Ward Cleaver do not live here

June Cleaver
Not June Cleaver and Not the Beaver


Ward Cleaver
Not Ward Cleaver

About two weeks ago one of my blogger friends Amy suggested that we all tell the real story. I think most of us may not want to admit it but attachment and bonding can be very hard. Most of what I have seen is about the child not attaching to the parent but in fact the phenomena of a parent not attaching to a child also exists.

Why write about this now? I was directed by a friend to read another blog where a woman who had been struggling was coming clean. I felt sad for her that she may have thought she was alone. True Anna, Gerard and I seem to not really have had any problem with attachment but this is not the whole truth. Anna and Gerard attached seamlessly from the first day she was home. Gerard opened his heart and she ran right for it. For me on the other hand the attachment process was much slower. When I say it that way I really mean only me.

I think for us many different factors played a big part in the delay of me attaching to Anna. First off those first two weeks I was bombarded with visitors. I never got a full week to establish any type of routine. Rules that I asked certain family members to follow were ignored. This added to my inner frustration. When I approached these individuals I was told "You should give it some time" or "No that is not the case at all." In all honesty that was exactly what I was asking for but was not given.

A few weeks later I learned my Mother had lung cancer that was misdiagnosed for over 3 years. I went from trying to open up to my daughter to strict survival mode which can be perceived as cold and clinical. My maternity leave was fulled with trips to NYC multiple times in a week that lasted 12-14 hours. I can remember waiting in the waiting room and not even thinking if I should check on Anna which was the first realization that the problem was mine not hers.

On some level I am no different then a care taker in one of the baby homes. As a nursery nurse I have a level of immunity to hearing a baby cry. At times I manage the care of 8 newborns. Because of this stressful environment there are many times when a child cries but after 13 years I have a level on conditioning that allows me to continuously prioritize the care of those infants. Holding and cuddling is not my number one concern, knowing they are breathing, hearts are beating and that they are fed is my number one concern. The infants that I care for are usually all dressed in the same white tee shirt with a ducky blanket in my mind there is little differences between them.

I knew before Anna came home that attachment was going to be difficult for me. I had long conversations about this with Gerard. Everything that I learned about attachment I told him. Everything that I asked him to do he did. Gerard was a blessing for Anna and I.

Anna was not a good eater or sleeper which compounded the problem for me. From the minute I came home with her I started the count down clock for when I would have to go back to work. With my Mother's new illness more uncertainty was added. Which meant more stress for me. She was the one who was going to care for Anna while Gerard and I worked. This equalled more stress. Thank goodness La-La had moved back home she was also a blessing.

Me-Me and Hans would come over to play. This provided Anna with a healthy Mother-baby relationship to mirror. Me-Me was too busy caring for Hans to know that she was helping us too. What a blessing.

The stress of our first set of holidays added to my stress. I had only had been back to work for a couple of weeks and my Mother was still quite fragile. There were many times when I first went back to work that I missed more sleep then I should have. Many times I was up for over 24 hours at a time. Christmas Eve was one of those nights.

Losing the dream of how your first Christmas will be was very hard for me. Some family members understood while a few did not and rather then making it easier for us they added to the problem by placing demands on us that were very unrealistic. Even this past year I experienced hurt when gifts were given with a mean spirit attached. I received a book on how to become a happy person. This year will be different no gift giving will occur between the adults. I admit to being human and I held on to some of these disappointments but with each day I do try to let go and forgive.

So what did I do? I acknowledged that I might have Post Adoption Depression. I told Gerard. He made sure that we stayed safe. He made sure that I got the rest that I needed. I distanced myself from those that I felt were causing issues for me. Gerard and I decided that he needed to take Anna a couple of times a week so that I had some free time. He spends most of this time taking Anna to see his parents which is wonderful for Anna and them. He also makes his rounds with Anna to see my Mother too.

Pictures! For me this was the biggest thing that helped me. I took lots of pictures of Anna. In her bedroom I have a picture board that I update regularly. Seeing Anna's pictures everywhere helped to picture her in my life. My friends, I am sure thought I was a little crazy but at work I would walk in and out would come a picture book of Anna so even when I was away from her I was able to see her pictures.

I think for us the biggest break through was when Anna started to sleep better. This did not happen for a couple of months. Anna requires at least 12 hours of sleep a day.

Becoming a Momma later in life I was more set in my ways in my opinion. Not only did I not have the dream of being the perfect Momma I did not have my old life either. Not that I wanted my old life back but I did grieve the loss of it.

Please understand this was all me, Anna transitioned better then I ever would have imagined. I am not sure that we would have made the progress that we have made if Anna had attachment issues. For cases where both the parent and the child have attachment issues I can only imagine the heart break.

Our attachment issues were very mild in my opinion although because it was happening to me it felt devastating and severe. Blogging helped me. Telling funny stories about our day to day life helped me. Knowing that I was not alone helped me. Getting in contact with other adoptive parents helped me. Reading blogs about how others struggled helped me.

Today I can say with 100% certainty that I LOVE Anna but even more importantly I am attached and have bonded with Anna. No this did not happen over night. I also feel like Anna is attached and bonded to me.

I did consider consulting a therapist, in particular Arleta James mostly because I read a private blog where the Mother is very honest about their struggles. Arleta James has helped them to process their attachment issues.

Perspectives Press and Attachment Disorder Site are good resources for pre-adoptive and adoptive parents.

In short we are not the Cleavers. We faced many challenges and still do. You are not alone if you feel this way. There is help available if you are feeling like you might have Post Adoption Depression or attachment issues. Be proactive and be honest with a person you trust.

The Cleavers Hopefully today I will get the picture that I want of Gerard and I but he is busy cleaning the driveway...sigh.

I know you got a sneak peak at my new shutters so here are the before and after pictures.

Old faded shutters and numbers


New shutters and numbers


Gerard is planning on moving the front light to just over the numbers. I love that this little house is our home.