To say Gerard and I are complete opposites is an under statement. We handle situations so differently at times it leaves the other one thinking "What the heck are you thinking? That is not the right way to handle that!" There have been times when I have gotten mad at Gerard for not handling a situation the way I thought it needed to be handled. Low and behold he may have been right...did I really put that in print? But on the same note I am right too!
Are you confused yet?
While at the Created for Care conference Melissa, Carrie and I sat in on one of the lectures that talked about attachment issues. The Acronym W.I.S.E came up as a way to remember how to handle questions about your children's adoption. Our children learn how to react in certain situations from us and how we handle those situations. So what does this all mean you ask? Here is the breakdown.
W= Walk away
I= Ignore
S= Share
E= Educate
When you or your child is asked about their adoption these are the choices that we have. Did you notice that blowing up and stomping away was not an option?
I will say I have mastered 2 of the 4 choices and Gerard has mastered 2 of the 4 choices noted above. Any guess on what I have mastered and what Gerard has mastered? You guess it. Gerard walks away and ignores any and all questions about Anna's adoption. I share and educate.
At times I have been frustrated with Gerard when he has been with me. These four steps sound easy and basic but I can tell you I think all 4 are hard. Understanding adoption can be very difficult for those who have not adopted. Questions I have been asked include: How much did she cost? What was her Mother like? What is her real name? Does she know she is adopted (usually this one is in front of her and if she did not know she does now)? And the list goes on and on.
Walk away--This means when you or you child is faced with uncomfortable questions about their adoption you have the right to walk away without giving an answer. I am going to try to learn to do this one better. I actually think this is an excellent strategy although one I have a very hard time with.
Ignore--This means you stay put in the situation but completely ignore the question. I think this is the most difficult to master. Gerard is at an expert level. I have seen people ask him a question 3 or 4 times and he can completely ignore you and change the subject without ever giving up any information. Here is where the problem is with this one for us, when we are together the person usually comes to me and point blank says "Gerard is ignoring me" than I get asked the question. Again I think this is a very good strategy for Anna to learn especially as she approaches her pre-teen and teenage years.
Share--Just that share the information that you are comfortable sharing. This does not mean that every detail of the child's adoption must be exposed. I like to share. I love my daughter and would shout that from the roof tops but as Gerard has pointed out to me perhaps I share too much. That is food for thought.
Educate--This means when asked about adoption related issues such as attachment you should educate the person about why you do things your way. For instance, before Anna came home I asked that no one pick her up or feed her. I asked that she be redirected towards Gerard or I. This was by far the most frustrating time for me. I felt like only a few people actually listened to me. As a result I have a few relationships that are strained as a result.
On that note even my own Mother was looking at pictures the other day and noted just how little Anna was. She said "She must have been really scared." I felt like saying "You think so? That is the reason why I asked you all to not touch, hold, feed because she barely knew me!" Okay I am fresh and I did say something like that but in a much softer way. My Mother smiled and said she did not understand then but does now.
My hope is that as Gerard and I get better at these strategies Anna will learn to protect her heart.
School Days - November 2023
5 months ago
8 comments:
A couple of my personal favorites:
Does he still know Russian? Really, how much does a 21 month old child speak in any language?!?!?
Does he remember Russia? Do you remember anything from when you were less than two???
And, here's a good one: Oh! How sweet! He calls you Mama!
Those are great strategies. I'm actually not often asked about Colby's adoption except from a few close colleagues. They seem to really want to learn so I choose to answer questions as best I can. Usually they are about his eyeglasses and how I knew to bring him to see a doctor. Otherwise if people do learn he's adopted, they comment on just how much he looks like Mike or myself. I don't see me so much, but he really does look like Mike. I am more open about it than Mike. He doesn't really like to discuss it at all, and just seems to want to focus on the right now. Not sure what is right so I go with whatever Colby wants. If he asks, I tell him what I know on his level. I think that is the most important thing.
Melissa
Most people are just curious and do not mean to be ignorant. Not many people know too much about adoption and it makes them curious. WHen they ask things like what is her real name, they really mean what was her first (or original) name. When they ask how much she cost, that is a legitimate question. Adoption is expensive! And while some people get upset that there may be a price tag on their child (like she were merchandise), the cold hard fact is that it did cost money to get her. And she's worth every penny!! I think the more upfront and honest you are, and the less that you walk away or ignore questions, the more the child will feel secure in the fact that she/he was adopted.
And when I said"she" in my previous post, I meant my adopted daughter. Also when we first brought her home, it would bug me when my grandmother would tell everyone that she was adopted, but now it doesn't. It is just a fact of life.I want my daughter to never feel that the fact that she is adopted is ever something to shy away from or be embarrassed about. SO that is why I like to share and educate as much as I can.
I have never adopted a child but I am keenly interested and supportive of adoption. At 71 yrs. my support is mainly with my prayers and giving out of my meager income as I find I can. I am also supportive of other child-related outreaches such as protection from exploitation and abduction. I read several adoption blogs in order to stay informed but also to rejoice in the growth and development of precious ones who have been given what they should have had all along. If an adoptive parent ignored my questions or walked away without a word, I would find it rude and insulting. I would see arrogance rather than grace. A simple and polite comment such as, "I prefer not to answer any questions at this time" is much better than to pretend that person is insignificant. Tharen (I've never commented on your blog before now)
By the way, a few days ago I spent hours & hours reading about your daughter's adoption from the very beginning. I was enthralled. She is a delightful little girl and I find yours and Gerard's parenting of her delightful, too. I noticed that at certain seasons you had still been struggling with the grief over your father's passing. When I experienced grief at the untimely passing of my husband I came upon a little book written by two counselors titled GRIEVING THE LOSS OF SOMEONE YOU LOVE by Raymond Mitsch and Lynn Brookside. From the day after my husband was laid to rest and for two years afterward, this book was as good a grief counselor as any live therapist would have been. I learned things unique to the grieving process that I had never known before. That, and my confidence in my loving Heavenly Father, guided me through the toughest time I had ever experienced. My email address is tharenv@comcast.net if you would like for me to order the book and have it sent to you (if you can trust me enough to provide a mailing address where it can be sent). It would be my pleasure to gift you with it and a joy to see you get beyond "valley of the shadow of death" if you haven't already done so. Blessings in Christ Jesus!
Tharen
I tend just to smile and say that all this is part of our child's history, and so we have, with my husband decided that it's not to us to tell anything about his past, and when he is older he can decide what to tell and to whom.
(that usually shuts up everyone, but not in a bad way}
Yes, it took a long time before we got him, and yes we adore him very much. And yes, we know he can be a handful and is a very energetic child.
And yes, he sure is beautiful.
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