I never thought...

this day would come. When I started the adoption process I was told it would be close to 18 months before I would be home with a child. I hoped and prayed for something different but in the end this estimate was correct. It was 17 months and 9 days from the time that I sent my paperwork to Russia to the time that I brought Anna home. I remember crying when I was told how long it would be before our adoption would be final and thinking I just can not do this that is way too long. I had wanted to post this the other day but we are now home longer then 17 months and 9 day.

I think back now and can not imagine her not being here with us. She is so full of energy and spunk. These are only a few reasons why I love her, believe me the list is quite long. I wish I could freeze this period in time and just savor every minute with her but as she grows I still feel the same way so as she gets older I think I will always feel this way.

I have not figured out the date just yet but sometime in June Anna will be here with us, her forever family longer then she will have been in the orphanage. I find it amazing to think that this day is fast approaching and will welcome this day with a smile on my face.

My Heart is sad

Two news events in the past week have weighted heavy on my heart. First is the discovery of an abortion in clinic in Philadelphia and the second is the bombing of an airport in Moscow.

As I said earlier I had a crazy work week. I drive about 45 minutes to and from work. I am the type of driver who has the music blasting and I am usually singing right along...at least when Anna is not in the car with me. When she is with me we recite books I have memorized. Occasionally, I listen to the Christen station. Not the , music but the talk shows instead. I like things that make you think and I have found that these small shows sometimes can get you to think long and hard about a situation.

The other morning the talk show was about abortion clinics and the people who work in these clinics. I work in a newborn nursery. We also are able to take care of premature infants who are 32-33 weeks in gestation. A full term pregnancy is considered to be 40 weeks. We also at times deliver much smaller infants, stabilize them so they can be transported to a level 3 NICU. The youngest child I have been involved with was 25 weeks...2 weeks younger then Bennett.

In my job I have seen many children born who are perfect healthy and who thrive in loving families. I have also had the unfortunate occasion to have to picture infants who have died both before they were born and some who have died after birth. I remember the first time I saw a child who was not kicking and full of life. I took it all in, walked out of the room to the bathroom and threw up. I felt flushed and nearly passed out.

I know my friends who I work with would never believe this but it is a true story, that was many years ago. I have since been able to deal with my own personal feelings about seeing a lifeless child. Usually I am the one who will take the pictures of these child for the parents. My friends and I take extra time to dress and picture as many details of the child as we can. We understand that these are the only pictures these parents may ever have of their child. These are some of the saddest days at work. We are all affected when this happens even if we do not say or show it.

The radio show talked about praying for those who work in these abortion clinics rather then showing and being angry at them. I am so glad that I listened to this program because it has changed my mind set to some degree to show them some compassion and pray for their change of heart. I am often amazed how God's timing works. When I got home before I fell asleep I read a story about an abortion clinic in Philadelphia that was being shut down.

My heart and prayers go out to the women who thought this was their only option. Please, abortion is not the only option. Adoption can and does work. Last night Gerard and I talked about this last night and we both agree that this is murder and those involve should be charged with murder. Even though these are our beliefs we also believe that we should pray for those who preformed these abortions well.

The second thing that has saddened me is the bombing in the Moscow airport. This is the airport that I traveled through on my second and third trips to Russia. I remember Alex my Russian coordinator waiting with Anna and I as I when through the ticketing process and initial security check. From what I read the arrival area is what was bombed. I remember walking through this area looking for a sign with my name on it. I remember feeling worried that I would not be able to find my driver. I never remember feeling worried that I might be blown up.

I so wish that this type of violence would come to an end. My prayers go out to all who must still travel to pick up and meet their children in Russia.

Anna's Mama?

"Yes baby, Anna's Mama"

I am in the middle of a crazy work schedule. I am the only one to blame for this 5 day stretch, I know most people work 5 days in a row but that is not typical in my house so it seems really long. So yesterday morning I came home to find Anna not so asleep in my bed. The sun had not yet come up, I opened the garage door walked into my bedroom with the dream of sleeping at least 2 hours before Anna got up for the day. The minute I walked into the room a little, quiet head popped up out of the blankets.

I told her "It is okay baby. It is just Mama."
Which she replied back to me "Anna's Mama?" My first thought was well if there is another Mama here she had better done the dishes and the laundry.

I laid down with her and she snuggled in for about 10 minutes then was up for the day. I know I am thinking into this way too much but how neat it is that she shows ownership in me. In her mind I am "Anna's Mama!" without any question. We talk about other women being other child's Mamas and to see her put the whole concept together is really cool. Anna spent only a few days with her birth Mother so we are both very new at this Mama/baby relationship.

I know attachment and bonding are a really hard concept to understand if you have never adopted a child who spent her first 2 years in an orphanage but to know that she recognized that I was different then say, Han's mama or Sloan's Mama is such a wonderful feeling. Can you imagine not having a Mama when you were little? Her little mind is truly growing as fast as a little mind can grow. Anna is such a gift and I will forever be in debt to her birth Mother who decided to stay pregnant. Anna's birth Mother and extended family may never know that I think about them everyday.

I later found out from Gerard that Anna was up much earlier but had just fallen back to sleep right before I walked in. I suspect she was wondering where I went because I had put her to bed before I went to work so I imagine it was a bit confusing on some level. On my short work days my goal is always to leave with her asleep and be home before she wakes. We do talk about who is going to be with her when ever I have to leave her because I think it is only fair that she knows the plan just like everyone else.

I know for us attachment was not immediate. I held back, I know I did. I am so glad that I was able to let go of my fear of rejection in order to replace it with the love an affection of this little doll. I never felt like Anna held back with trying to attach to me or Gerard. She is one determined little girl and I know this is asset that will only make her life more full in years to come. I am so proud of her everyday, she has taught me so much about living.

I know I have been accused of...

eating a lot of cake but last night we had such a good reason. Adrienne & Jim got to take home their little baby boy Bennett. Through her story I feel like so many have found hope whether it was to follow your dream to adopt and chance disappointment or to try to continue to conceive a child. Today will be her first full day home with Bennett. I am sure Adrienne and Jim are exhausted but also the happiest they have ever been.

So yesterday after dinner Gerard, Anna and I celebrated with a cake for Bennett or should I say a cupcake. Anna sang a version of "Happy coming home day to you...Moe" which sound very much like Happy Birthday. For some reason that is what she calls Bennett. I tried to get it on video but the camera was not charged. I realized yesterday that I have never put any video of Anna on the blog so I have another goal for this year.

Before dinner Anna had her bath. I have really been working on the making dinner and eating as a family. I feel like this is a big priority for us this year. I know this sound so crazy but again working the night shift is difficult. It is like making, eating and cleaning up dinner in the morning before you go to work. I imagine that breakfast in other homes is a bit rushed well that is how dinner time is here for us. I guess that is the best way I can explain it.

So Anna had her bath before dinner, which could occur at any point throughout the day, she loves baths. Next it was on to story time with Daddy then dinner. I know this all sounds a little backwards but it worked for us. Today I was able to get pictures of her reading The Three Little Pigs to Gerard. Yes, that is Gerard squeezed into a toddler bed. Anna loves it when he lays in her bed so she can read to him or play with him. Who knows made one day she will actually sleep in that bed.



I love how grown up on some level Anna is becoming. She loves books with detailed pictures. In the past she would scan each picture and point out the neatest things that most may not notice. Anna has been "reading" this book for the past 2 weeks and it is by far one of her favorites. What is different this week is now she will "read" and when I say read she looks at the pictures and says a few words but mimics the inflection of my voice, very much like how I read the book to her. Yesterday she started "reading" the book and stopping to show me the pages just like a teacher would stop to show the class. I think this is way too cute.

We were all asleep by 6 pm again another hazard of working the night shift. Today I have a very busy day planned I hope to get everything done that I have planned in my mind. I am feeling very productive today.

The Progression

Before Anna came home I would day dream about our life together. I love watching Anna sleep, she snores like a train which is quite funny. I have written here many times how difficult getting Anna to sleep was in the beginning. Now we have that down and I am so thankful. One thing that I am sure I have not mentioned much is how she wakes up. I hope I am able to write this so you can see in your mind the progression.

The first day Anna was home. Gerard and I quietly waited for her to open her eyes. After a while I got up showered and got ready for the many visitors to come and meet her. That first week was very much the same everyday. I would wake up before her and watch her sleep. I was amazed that she was here in the same country as I let alone the very same room as I was in. Some times I would go to the living room and watch her on the monitor and at the first movement I would run into the bedroom to lay down with her. I imagined it would be pretty scary to wake up in a strange place with no one there to greet you "Good Morning" This stage lasted for about 6 weeks.



Once she was up she would go straight to "work" looking at everything. We limited the number of toys at first so that she would not become overwhelmed by the changes in her surrounding. The one toy that she played with for what seemed like forever was a little barn that still hangs in our kitchen. She would play with this barn for hours.

After the first 6 weeks or so I realized that others with my baby monitor could watch her and me sleep. So the baby monitor was turned off. Which brought us to the next stage. I would wake up before her and sit quietly in my dinning room. Occasionally, I would hear her move or cry and I would jump up and run to greet her "Good Morning."



This lasted a couple of weeks and perhaps a little longer some of this is a little gray in my mind and this is the reason why I wanted to write about this topic.



The next stage came about because Anna started to get up out of bed in the morning rather then cry. I was never so thankful to know that waking was no longer something that caused her to cry. She would wake up slide out of bed and slowly walk around the corner from our bedroom. I started sitting on the sofa so that I could see her. At this same point she started sleeping longer into the morning close to 9 am. Having that time to myself in the morning was a wonderful feeling. I so needed this time to collect my thoughts, I had so many feelings that I was feeling.

Then there was a small adjustment to this stage of waking up in the morning. Anna would wake up and run out of the bedroom usually clutching 2 things from my bedroom. They were always random things, a pillow, a box from my dresser, occasionally it would be a small stuffed animal. I loved this stage because it made me laugh. I never knew what she would bring me. This stage lasted for a while.

We are now up to our current stage which is by far my favorite stage. I still am up before her but now instead of her waking up and "working" or crying or clutching onto a random object she calls for me. She is not scared it is a soft little call for me. "Mama, Where you! Mama" I am now back to jumping up and running into greet her good morning. She asks for cozy time the minute she sees me. We snuggle and I just hold her now for about 15 minutes. Sometimes Anna will actually fall back to sleep which is very nice.

Each stage has been wonderful. I can not believe just how fast things change around here.

Mad!

First of all I have been crazy busy no real excuse for not updating the blog. I just have a lot of thoughts going on in my head these days.

Back to the word...Mad. No not me, but this is what Anna thought when we were in W@lmart today picking up diapers. No she is not potty trained yet that is a whole other topic.

In the last month I think it is so neat how Anna is putting her feelings or thoughts into words. Anna's speech is improving and at times it seems like she is having an explosion of words and then other times she is in a stand still. Anna's speech is still quite delayed in my opinion so in retrospect it was a good thing that we decided on preschool because she is getting speech therapy twice a week. I want to see if she qualifies for some type of speech therapy for the summer.

But back to the topic, Anna has been home for close to 17 months. I have been back to work at least part time for much of that time. I would say for the first 6 months Anna had almost no speech but was still able to get her needs met through our personal sign language and anticipating her needs. Then we started speech therapy at home and Anna started to use some of her words to ask for things she wanted but she was not able to express her feelings much in the form of words.

I know it seems I might focus on her speech delay here on the blog or perhaps not but I am actually quite laid back in person. Her speech will develop and we look at her delay as a bit of a blessing because we spend a lot of time talking to her and showing her stuff and things which in my opinion has helped with attachment on some level for us. Mostly I view it that way because I knew what she wanted when others did not so she would come to me instead of others. This also helped me to feel like her Mother rather then a stranger.

I had a day in the past 2 weeks where I was quite sad. Anna saw me cry more then I liked. She came to me to comfort me and I told her I was sad. I took the time to compose myself and we talked about how it is okay to be sad some times. I told her it was okay to cry. When Anna cries because she is not getting way or is upset with a rule I look her in the eye and tell her it is okay to be upset. I tell her that I will hold her until she is no longer upset. Anna started coming to me a couple of months ago requesting to be held and now every time she is upset she asks "hold, please".

So this past week Anna has had two big days when she put her emotions into words. The first was last week when she saw me getting ready for work. I wear a uniform, the same uniform every time I go to work so it is a routine she is used to seeing. She looked me in the eye tugged on my shirt.

Anna said "Mama working?" she looked a little sad.
I said "Yes, Mama is going to work but Anna will be here with Daddy and will sleep with La-La and Coco tonight."

I think it is very important to tell her what to expect like who is picking her up or staying with her for the night. I do better when I am prepared so I think she does better too.

Anna for the first time said "Mama, no working! Stay Anna! Cozy time! Hold Anna." That is what we call out snuggle time and she does love her cozy time.

As a Mother this killed me even though I know that when she is with La-La she gets the best care possible because she is loved and gets to play knowing that she wanted me was such a heart breaking experience. Gerard is home when I leave for work so he held her and played for a little bit before he had to lay down for the night.

Which brings us to today, we were in W@lmart and Anna being the spunky little kid that she is was saying "Hi" and "Bye" to everyone she met as we went up and down the aisles. We came across a lady who for some reason did not say hello or goodbye to Anna. Now I certainly do not expect everyone to think my baby is cute or to respond to her 'Hi" and "Bye" so I was okay with this but Anna was funny. She was not upset but in my opinion more observant.

Anna looked at me and said "Lady MAD!" Of course while pointing at her.

Okay I do not think she was mad but to see Anna put a label on some one's perceived emotion was very neat. I thought about it for a minute and told her that I did not really think that the lady was mad but either she did not hear Anna (which I find pretty much impossible) or maybe she was just not being polite.

We then talked about how you can be polite, which included not pointing at some one. We talked about looking people in the eye when we talk and then practiced looking others in the eye when she told them "Hi" and "Bye".

I guess I just love the way good opportunities to teach her just spring up every day.

New Year's resolutions

New Year's resolutions are a funny thing. I think most people have them even the ones who do not want to admit they have them. Last year I did not have any New Year's resolutions. I think the New Year came on me so fast that I felt like I could not even breath. As a result I think I lacked any self improvement for the year. I feel like I floundered most of the year.

This year I do have a couple of resolutions. I think of my resolutions more as person improvement goals to my life or situation. I want Anna to know that change can be a good thing and implementing change within your personal situation is a positive thing. I am really a very positive people and try my best to look for the solution to the problem rather then just sitting waiting for someone else to make the situation better.

I think my biggest one is to reduce my debt. I know that this is something that most people in the United States want to do but often they do not know how to do it.

In the past I have had a ton of debt as well as no debt. I can tell you the point in my life where I had no debt felt much better. I hate to say this but the cost of adoption puts many behind the 8 ball so to speak. I was not immune to this situation. When Anna came home I wanted to spend as much time off as possible. I am lucky because with my job if we are not busy then we have the option of being called off or put on call. Well last year I averaged between 60 and 68 hours of work every 2weeks.

This made it easy for me to spend time with Anna and travel for my Mother's care but as a result I fell into the debt trap again. Much of the time I took off was without pay. As a nurse I am very fortunate because I get close to 8 weeks of vacation every year. I do value my time off and because of I work 3-12 hour shifts I am able to use a small amount of time and have close to a week off.

Well I have put in my vacations for 2011 and I have managed to group my days in a way that will give me a week off pretty much every month this year but I will still have extra vacation time that I can take when I must be called off or put on call. By taking my call offs with pay I will make close to 12,000 thousand dollars more this year. I plan on putting this extra money toward my debt.

My goal is to pay down my debt by at least 25% this year. This makes resolution number 1.

My next resolution is actually a little harder to complete in my opinion. Our goal is to spend more time as a couple, just Gerard and I. Thinking back to our problems of 2010 one of the things that we isolated was I had very little time with just him. Gerard and I have been in our relationship for over 20 years now so falling to second on the list of importance is reasonable when you have a 3 year old child but we cut out almost all of our alone time.

We have also had more people in and out of our home in the past year then we have had in a number of years. This makes having personal conversations with just him more difficult.

Resolution # 2 is to have one date a month. Sounds easy but really it will be a challenge because of our schedules. I know feel more comfortable leaving Anna with my Mother for a couple of hours then I did this time last year. I think this will help us to grow as a couple and be better parents.

I know my third resolution will sound very crazy to those who work during the day and have a more normal schedule. My third and final resolution is to cook dinner at least once a week. Imagine trying to eat dinner in the morning that is what it is like for me. I have broken out the cook books. Yes I have a collection of cook books and I actually love cook books.

Resolution #3 cook more dinners at home and try new recipes along the way.

My final resolution will be a hard one at least for me. For the last 2 Christmas holidays I have gotten my feelings hurt. Yup, as much as I wanted this past holiday season to be better then the one before and it was, I still got my feelings hurt by a gift I was given. I was given a manual of how to become a happy person. What amazes me is this was given to me by someone who spent less then 15 hours with me this past year.

When I give a gift I have always done my best to look for something that the receiver will enjoy. I probably over think many of the gifts that I give but I figure if I am going to take the time and make the effort to give a gift then that is how it should be. This manual hurt my feelings. Gerard has promised to talk to the one who gave it to me but I already feel like this will not help the situation.

So resolution #4 is to not let others hurt me so much. Here is my question how does one protect their feelings?
I do have a few other things I would like to accomplish this year. I am working on a list that I can hang up to remind and inspire me.

Happy New Year!!

For the first time in 12 years Gerard and I were off together for New Year's Eve. He usually works and I occasionally work or end up on call. I remember the first time I was home alone for New Year's Eve. It was 1999, I was off he was working. The year before it was the other way around. I remembered it feeling a little sad. He called me at 12:05 to wish me a Happy New Year.

Last year I was scheduled to work and talked my friend Nancy into working. What I did not tell her was I was breaking down at the thought of not being with Anna for New Year's Eve. Last night as I got ready to go out with Gerard and Anna is when all those memories came flooding back to me.

A year ago getting Anna to sleep was still some thing that caused me to stress. Anna was not sleeping well at all. Many nights she would not fall asleep until close to midnight this was accompanied with lots of crying mostly by her and occasionally by me. Shortly after the start of the new year Anna and I figured out a bed time routine that worked for us. It seems to me that things just finally started to click around here right after the new year.

I have a bunch of plans for the this year. Today I am planning on getting my list for 2011 together. I have also decided to start a 365 day Photography project in the hopes of becoming a better photographer. So I am excited and can not wait to see what this year has in store for us.

I hope and pray you all have a Happy, Healthy New Year!