The Progression

Before Anna came home I would day dream about our life together. I love watching Anna sleep, she snores like a train which is quite funny. I have written here many times how difficult getting Anna to sleep was in the beginning. Now we have that down and I am so thankful. One thing that I am sure I have not mentioned much is how she wakes up. I hope I am able to write this so you can see in your mind the progression.

The first day Anna was home. Gerard and I quietly waited for her to open her eyes. After a while I got up showered and got ready for the many visitors to come and meet her. That first week was very much the same everyday. I would wake up before her and watch her sleep. I was amazed that she was here in the same country as I let alone the very same room as I was in. Some times I would go to the living room and watch her on the monitor and at the first movement I would run into the bedroom to lay down with her. I imagined it would be pretty scary to wake up in a strange place with no one there to greet you "Good Morning" This stage lasted for about 6 weeks.



Once she was up she would go straight to "work" looking at everything. We limited the number of toys at first so that she would not become overwhelmed by the changes in her surrounding. The one toy that she played with for what seemed like forever was a little barn that still hangs in our kitchen. She would play with this barn for hours.

After the first 6 weeks or so I realized that others with my baby monitor could watch her and me sleep. So the baby monitor was turned off. Which brought us to the next stage. I would wake up before her and sit quietly in my dinning room. Occasionally, I would hear her move or cry and I would jump up and run to greet her "Good Morning."



This lasted a couple of weeks and perhaps a little longer some of this is a little gray in my mind and this is the reason why I wanted to write about this topic.



The next stage came about because Anna started to get up out of bed in the morning rather then cry. I was never so thankful to know that waking was no longer something that caused her to cry. She would wake up slide out of bed and slowly walk around the corner from our bedroom. I started sitting on the sofa so that I could see her. At this same point she started sleeping longer into the morning close to 9 am. Having that time to myself in the morning was a wonderful feeling. I so needed this time to collect my thoughts, I had so many feelings that I was feeling.

Then there was a small adjustment to this stage of waking up in the morning. Anna would wake up and run out of the bedroom usually clutching 2 things from my bedroom. They were always random things, a pillow, a box from my dresser, occasionally it would be a small stuffed animal. I loved this stage because it made me laugh. I never knew what she would bring me. This stage lasted for a while.

We are now up to our current stage which is by far my favorite stage. I still am up before her but now instead of her waking up and "working" or crying or clutching onto a random object she calls for me. She is not scared it is a soft little call for me. "Mama, Where you! Mama" I am now back to jumping up and running into greet her good morning. She asks for cozy time the minute she sees me. We snuggle and I just hold her now for about 15 minutes. Sometimes Anna will actually fall back to sleep which is very nice.

Each stage has been wonderful. I can not believe just how fast things change around here.

Mad!

First of all I have been crazy busy no real excuse for not updating the blog. I just have a lot of thoughts going on in my head these days.

Back to the word...Mad. No not me, but this is what Anna thought when we were in W@lmart today picking up diapers. No she is not potty trained yet that is a whole other topic.

In the last month I think it is so neat how Anna is putting her feelings or thoughts into words. Anna's speech is improving and at times it seems like she is having an explosion of words and then other times she is in a stand still. Anna's speech is still quite delayed in my opinion so in retrospect it was a good thing that we decided on preschool because she is getting speech therapy twice a week. I want to see if she qualifies for some type of speech therapy for the summer.

But back to the topic, Anna has been home for close to 17 months. I have been back to work at least part time for much of that time. I would say for the first 6 months Anna had almost no speech but was still able to get her needs met through our personal sign language and anticipating her needs. Then we started speech therapy at home and Anna started to use some of her words to ask for things she wanted but she was not able to express her feelings much in the form of words.

I know it seems I might focus on her speech delay here on the blog or perhaps not but I am actually quite laid back in person. Her speech will develop and we look at her delay as a bit of a blessing because we spend a lot of time talking to her and showing her stuff and things which in my opinion has helped with attachment on some level for us. Mostly I view it that way because I knew what she wanted when others did not so she would come to me instead of others. This also helped me to feel like her Mother rather then a stranger.

I had a day in the past 2 weeks where I was quite sad. Anna saw me cry more then I liked. She came to me to comfort me and I told her I was sad. I took the time to compose myself and we talked about how it is okay to be sad some times. I told her it was okay to cry. When Anna cries because she is not getting way or is upset with a rule I look her in the eye and tell her it is okay to be upset. I tell her that I will hold her until she is no longer upset. Anna started coming to me a couple of months ago requesting to be held and now every time she is upset she asks "hold, please".

So this past week Anna has had two big days when she put her emotions into words. The first was last week when she saw me getting ready for work. I wear a uniform, the same uniform every time I go to work so it is a routine she is used to seeing. She looked me in the eye tugged on my shirt.

Anna said "Mama working?" she looked a little sad.
I said "Yes, Mama is going to work but Anna will be here with Daddy and will sleep with La-La and Coco tonight."

I think it is very important to tell her what to expect like who is picking her up or staying with her for the night. I do better when I am prepared so I think she does better too.

Anna for the first time said "Mama, no working! Stay Anna! Cozy time! Hold Anna." That is what we call out snuggle time and she does love her cozy time.

As a Mother this killed me even though I know that when she is with La-La she gets the best care possible because she is loved and gets to play knowing that she wanted me was such a heart breaking experience. Gerard is home when I leave for work so he held her and played for a little bit before he had to lay down for the night.

Which brings us to today, we were in W@lmart and Anna being the spunky little kid that she is was saying "Hi" and "Bye" to everyone she met as we went up and down the aisles. We came across a lady who for some reason did not say hello or goodbye to Anna. Now I certainly do not expect everyone to think my baby is cute or to respond to her 'Hi" and "Bye" so I was okay with this but Anna was funny. She was not upset but in my opinion more observant.

Anna looked at me and said "Lady MAD!" Of course while pointing at her.

Okay I do not think she was mad but to see Anna put a label on some one's perceived emotion was very neat. I thought about it for a minute and told her that I did not really think that the lady was mad but either she did not hear Anna (which I find pretty much impossible) or maybe she was just not being polite.

We then talked about how you can be polite, which included not pointing at some one. We talked about looking people in the eye when we talk and then practiced looking others in the eye when she told them "Hi" and "Bye".

I guess I just love the way good opportunities to teach her just spring up every day.

New Year's resolutions

New Year's resolutions are a funny thing. I think most people have them even the ones who do not want to admit they have them. Last year I did not have any New Year's resolutions. I think the New Year came on me so fast that I felt like I could not even breath. As a result I think I lacked any self improvement for the year. I feel like I floundered most of the year.

This year I do have a couple of resolutions. I think of my resolutions more as person improvement goals to my life or situation. I want Anna to know that change can be a good thing and implementing change within your personal situation is a positive thing. I am really a very positive people and try my best to look for the solution to the problem rather then just sitting waiting for someone else to make the situation better.

I think my biggest one is to reduce my debt. I know that this is something that most people in the United States want to do but often they do not know how to do it.

In the past I have had a ton of debt as well as no debt. I can tell you the point in my life where I had no debt felt much better. I hate to say this but the cost of adoption puts many behind the 8 ball so to speak. I was not immune to this situation. When Anna came home I wanted to spend as much time off as possible. I am lucky because with my job if we are not busy then we have the option of being called off or put on call. Well last year I averaged between 60 and 68 hours of work every 2weeks.

This made it easy for me to spend time with Anna and travel for my Mother's care but as a result I fell into the debt trap again. Much of the time I took off was without pay. As a nurse I am very fortunate because I get close to 8 weeks of vacation every year. I do value my time off and because of I work 3-12 hour shifts I am able to use a small amount of time and have close to a week off.

Well I have put in my vacations for 2011 and I have managed to group my days in a way that will give me a week off pretty much every month this year but I will still have extra vacation time that I can take when I must be called off or put on call. By taking my call offs with pay I will make close to 12,000 thousand dollars more this year. I plan on putting this extra money toward my debt.

My goal is to pay down my debt by at least 25% this year. This makes resolution number 1.

My next resolution is actually a little harder to complete in my opinion. Our goal is to spend more time as a couple, just Gerard and I. Thinking back to our problems of 2010 one of the things that we isolated was I had very little time with just him. Gerard and I have been in our relationship for over 20 years now so falling to second on the list of importance is reasonable when you have a 3 year old child but we cut out almost all of our alone time.

We have also had more people in and out of our home in the past year then we have had in a number of years. This makes having personal conversations with just him more difficult.

Resolution # 2 is to have one date a month. Sounds easy but really it will be a challenge because of our schedules. I know feel more comfortable leaving Anna with my Mother for a couple of hours then I did this time last year. I think this will help us to grow as a couple and be better parents.

I know my third resolution will sound very crazy to those who work during the day and have a more normal schedule. My third and final resolution is to cook dinner at least once a week. Imagine trying to eat dinner in the morning that is what it is like for me. I have broken out the cook books. Yes I have a collection of cook books and I actually love cook books.

Resolution #3 cook more dinners at home and try new recipes along the way.

My final resolution will be a hard one at least for me. For the last 2 Christmas holidays I have gotten my feelings hurt. Yup, as much as I wanted this past holiday season to be better then the one before and it was, I still got my feelings hurt by a gift I was given. I was given a manual of how to become a happy person. What amazes me is this was given to me by someone who spent less then 15 hours with me this past year.

When I give a gift I have always done my best to look for something that the receiver will enjoy. I probably over think many of the gifts that I give but I figure if I am going to take the time and make the effort to give a gift then that is how it should be. This manual hurt my feelings. Gerard has promised to talk to the one who gave it to me but I already feel like this will not help the situation.

So resolution #4 is to not let others hurt me so much. Here is my question how does one protect their feelings?
I do have a few other things I would like to accomplish this year. I am working on a list that I can hang up to remind and inspire me.

Happy New Year!!

For the first time in 12 years Gerard and I were off together for New Year's Eve. He usually works and I occasionally work or end up on call. I remember the first time I was home alone for New Year's Eve. It was 1999, I was off he was working. The year before it was the other way around. I remembered it feeling a little sad. He called me at 12:05 to wish me a Happy New Year.

Last year I was scheduled to work and talked my friend Nancy into working. What I did not tell her was I was breaking down at the thought of not being with Anna for New Year's Eve. Last night as I got ready to go out with Gerard and Anna is when all those memories came flooding back to me.

A year ago getting Anna to sleep was still some thing that caused me to stress. Anna was not sleeping well at all. Many nights she would not fall asleep until close to midnight this was accompanied with lots of crying mostly by her and occasionally by me. Shortly after the start of the new year Anna and I figured out a bed time routine that worked for us. It seems to me that things just finally started to click around here right after the new year.

I have a bunch of plans for the this year. Today I am planning on getting my list for 2011 together. I have also decided to start a 365 day Photography project in the hopes of becoming a better photographer. So I am excited and can not wait to see what this year has in store for us.

I hope and pray you all have a Happy, Healthy New Year!

I Promise do you? or should I say Upromise

Over the past couple of years I have seen and I you have seen them as well, signs for Upromise. From what I gather Upromiseis a college savings program that we can all sign up for. If you do any online shopping this is a pretty good deal. Since Anna has joined our home most of my shopping is online these days or just at the grocery store.

This site gives you a precentage of what you pay back into an account for higher education. As usual I signed up after I did the bulk of my shopping for this past Christmas season. You can also link you credit cards and grocery store cards to the account. The money can be used for your self or for your child or grandchild.

So last week I signed up and I already have .34 cents in my account and all I did was start my shopping experience through the Upromise web site. I totally plan on hooking up my Mother's grocery store cards, yes you can do that too. I have made the decision to go back to school and I am still looking at at least 3 different school for my Masters in Nursing. I will be doing the courses online over the next 3 or 4 years.

I have figured out that my company will pay about 21,000 dollars of the nearly 26,000 dollars that I will need to complete out this degree. I am lucky that they offer that much money toward higher education for me but I think the frugal side of me really wants it all to be paid for by them. Had I started sooner I would have paid pretty much nothing for the degree. I could take longer to obtain the degree but I have reasons why I want to complete this out before 2015 so I will bite the bullet so to speak.

I would say look into it if you are considering going back to school. In today's economic climate Grand parents are just not able to put away large chucks of money for their grand children but you can sign up for this program and your grand child could get credit for your regular purchases at the grocery store or with your credit card.

A walk down memory lane

Over the past 2 days about 2 feet of snow was dumped into my front yard. On some level I would like to complain like most everyone around me but there is one simple reason why I can not...Anna! When I was waiting for news of a referral so many different things seemed to block my path to a referral and to becoming her Mama. I found it amazing then and still now that with each bit of news that was good or great in fact, I would look outside and the snow was falling.

I live very close to the Ocean and it does some times snow here but nothing like it has in the past 2 years. I am sure that we have even gone years without seeing one snow flake. Now I am sure Gerard will disagree with me that the snow is so beautiful since after today it took him close to 5 hours to shovel our driveway which by the way not done yet. On the list for tomorrow is a snow blower if one is available because we are just getting too old for the shovel and have too many people to dig out every time it snows.

It snowed when I got news of my referral for Anna! I had flown into Detroit for a meeting with my agency the night before. If you have never been in Michigan in the winter it is cold, very cold. The roads were a bit harder to navigate because I did not know where I was going and there was old snow EVERY WHERE. When I found out about Anna I told them I needed a minute to think this all over and let it sink in. I walked outside and a soft gentle snow started to fall.

It snowed when I told our parents I was traveling soon to see a little girl in Russia! We had gone out to dinner for Gerard's parents anniversary. I was busting at the seems to tell everyone. Reading this seems like more then 2 years ago, more like a lifetime ago for many reasons.

The day that I found out about my travel dates and started to book my flights we had over 12 inches of snow on the ground.

The day I first saw my little baby. I left the baby home a mess. I never have said that here on the blog before but I silently cried the entire way home. I cried myself to sleep that night, tortured Gerard and Geralyn with text messages that night when I was awake. I am pretty sure that if I had known then it would be so long between my first visit and the next time I got to hold her I would have been even more of a mess.

A year and a couple of days ago the snow was coming down like crazy. Anna showed so much compassion for Gerard as he suffered with his kidney stones. I know this may sound crazy for those who have never adopted a child who at that point lived all but 4 months of her little life in an orphanage but for us adoptive parents this is HUGE! I think at that moment I knew things were going to get better for us in terms of attachment.

Anna loves to be held by me. In fact when she is upset the first thing out of her mouth is 'Hold please" or "Rocking please". Over the last year and a half we have worked on looking her in the face and telling her it is okay to be mad, sad and even angry. Mama or Daddy will always hold her or rock her. I think it has really sunk in that we are here to comfort her. I think of this as the biggest gift of all.

So I think the snow is beautiful all two and a half of it.

Snow pictures from today






On a side note, I do try to keep a hat on her but she takes them off as fast as I get them on. I only let her stay out for less then 10 minutes the wind was to harsh. Hopefully the wind will die down some so she can play a little bit in the snow. She is happy however that I fill big bowls of snow for her to play with inside.

I guess what I am trying to say in this rambling post is I am healing from the wait and the bumps in the road. When I was told that during my wait it was a hard pill to swallow. I thought that I would always feel the sorrow that I felt when I had to walk out of the baby home without her that cold day in March. My hope is that some one who is in the waiting game of getting a referral or in between trips reads this and has renewed hope that things will work out for them too.

Merry Belated Christmas!!

Okay so my intentions were to have our Christmas Eve celebration at our home put Anna to bed then blog a bit. As you know this was not the case. Anna has been not feeling well this earlier this week and Christmas Eve night Gerard and I started to come down with the same cough, aches and pains. I was very lucky and got called off so I did not have to go into work at 1 am. My friends at work will never know just how grateful I am that I was able to be the call off person this year. I really do think that I owe them big. Dana as always thank you for working both Christmas Eve and Christmas day (her birthday) as you do every year.

At the last minute the Christmas Eve celebration grew when Gerard's family decided that they would rather spend it with Anna out our home then not with us. So we only had a small crowd of 16 plus Hans and Anna. Oh by the way I did have a random stranger for Christmas Eve. He was a very nice man that my sister knew from her childhood that she has not seen for over 35 years. The poor guy drove up from Florida and I am quite sure he is freezing. If you have not seen the weather we have at least 3-4 inches of snow right now with more expected.

Last year I ordered food at the last minute. This year since it was only my family and a more manageable 10 I had planned on cooking but when I figured it was going to more I picked up the phone and ordered up the meal.

The week leading up to Christmas Eve was pure chaos around here. Work was usually long and hard but I am thinking now it was the stress of the holidays that made it feel like that for me. Next year I will do more earlier so that I can avoid some of that feeling of being stressed.

Everyone piled into my home around 3 pm while we waited for dinner to warm up we unwrapped gifts. In past years I have gotten some interesting gifts from little children but nothing was funnier then being the one who got to help wrap those funny gifts. As Anna and I wrapped her gifts for her family we talked about the gift, why it perfect for that person here is the interesting part once they were all wrapped she was still able to tell me who they were for based on the shape of the package. I had wanted to get a picture of her giving her gifts out but with 16 people in my small house you can imagine why I was not able to do so. I was able to get a picture of her Papa opening his gift.

She loves him so much and that makes me so happy. She talks to him as she is playing even if he is not here which I think is too cute. If you can not tell he got a #1 Grandpa mug.



Mrs. Claus looked through her fireplace and saw that the celebration was in full swing at our house so she dropped off a note, special PJs for Anna & Hans and socks for the adults. Believe it or not we were all in bed and asleep by 8 pm.


Anna woke up at 9 am the following morning to find out that Santa did indeed come to our home through the night. Now warning here, you all are getting unedited pictures of Anna with her Muppet style hair that she has every morning.


Her big gifts were a few different sets of Calico Critters along with the townhouse. She also got a Baby Alive that eats and drinks, I guess Santa could not resist seeing her face when she had to change a dirty diaper. Her response was priceless. We fed the baby food and a bottle then I told her the baby's pants needed to be changed. Shocked is a good way to describe her reaction followed by "GROSS!"





Anna had about two thirds of her presents opened yesterday, all completely played with but by 7 pm we were all out cold. At about 4 am Anna woke up to ask "Santa coming to town?" followed by "Go Giants" to include a fist pump then she was back to sleep. For the record we are Seahawk fans so I am thinking Uncle Eddie and Papa have gotten to her because they are the Giant's fans.

This morning Anna discovered there were still presents under the tree. The most played with present today was the little white dog that walks on a leash. I will admit that I think it is the best toy Santa brought her, all the fun of having a dog without the unfun stuff.


Today the snow if falling and I love it! When ever the snow fell in 2009 I got wonderful news about Anna. Gerard had intended on staying home with us but was called out to our rental property to change the hot water heater. He did stop home to shove us out once and Anna insisted on helping. She loves the snow as much as I do.


I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. This is one I will remember forever. We had a beautiful day.