Ladybugs!

First of all I am overwhelmed with the support that my fellow blogger friends have provided me over the past couple of days both as comments on my blog, phones calls and personal emails. You are all very wise to remind me that this journey to 'Make Our House a Home' may not be the easiest one but that the rewards of building a loving home by far will exceed my sadness.

I am coming to terms with my sadness and I hopefully be able to find peace with my decision. Gerard is taking this way harder then I ever imagined. So I have to do what I can to help him through the grief process and to understand the reasons why we are not equipped to care for her. He is so black an white with every decision usually that I am surprised he has been so persistent that we should bring her home. Quite the role reversal.

Many of you may not realize but part of the reason why I started this blog was to document my journey but the second was because in the beginning I did not feel fully supported by my family. I think it has taken some family members time to think about how they will be impacted and others needed to learn to deal with their grief that they were feeling about us not starting this family in the more traditional manner. We never considered infertility treatment because Gerard and I never felt that we could emotionally cope with the grief of not becoming pregnant.

There has been a learning curve that each has had to deal with in respect to what comments could be hurtful to me or my new child. Luckily we have worked on this and I have not had to hurt anyone in the process. My next big topic of education for them will be attachment yeah for me. I am a big ogre.

I have been told that ladybugs are a sign of luck and good fortune. In the past 2 days 2 different ladybugs have come into my life. The first one attacked me in the car while I was driving and I was lucky I did not crash the car. The other one just follows me around all the time. I feel very blessed.

Enough Feeling Sorry for Myself

As promised I am going to find the good in waiting for my referral. I am okay and I do not want those who are experiencing the joys of having a referral to be tampered by my wait and selfishness. We each have our own story of pain that has brought us to this point in our lives and I am not an expectation. When I say that I am happy for another who has received a referral, travel dates or a homecoming this feeling comes from my heart. Please send your warm thoughts to Patti and Dave who have received their referral for a 19 month old little boy. I believe that there may be many reasons why I have been chosen to wait. Maybe my child is not due to come off the database or be adoptable yet. I have read on other blogs where this was the case and the child that was placed with them is the one that belongs with that family.

At this point in my time line if I were to travel in the next couple of weeks I believe that I would not be able to bring my little one home for Christmas. Being separated for the holidays would break my heart. Somehow even though in my brain I know that my child is born I do not feel the attachment the way that I believe that I will feel it once I have held him or her.

As a result of waiting I will be able to take my entire maternity leave with pay. This alleviates any stress associated with taking the time off. I will still have enough time to take a vacation or two in addition to my leave. The extra time will allow me to save some more money for the other life goals that are important. Maybe I will even be able to get my car paid off.

The extra time that I needed to get things done tah dah now I have it. I will be able to have the room set up the way I have always imagined it to be. Since I am getting one shot at this there is a level of perfection that I would like to attempt to achieve.

So see I can get through this tough time. I do believe that the wait will be a memory. Look at how far I have come in the last 14 months. I am so close and this wait will help me to practice patience that I am sure I will need so badly once the wait is over.

The other morning when I went to bed I thought no I really believed that I would be woken up with a call from my agency. Sorry to report I slept like a baby and not even a telemarketer called. I did not even realize this until I got in the car to come to work tonight. I did sleep so soundly and I really felt like I needed it.

Working the night shift has many benefits but some of the negative aspects can be so weird. Sleep is such a luxury for me. When I have to work I do sleep in late or try to at least. I just can not pre-sleep like some of my friends can. If I lay down before work then I usually end up with a headache. I did not always work on the night shift only for the last 10 years. I took this job because I really thought it would work out best for when I had a child because Gerard worked during the day this way we could avoid daycare. Now that we both work the night shift I guess I am just a little worried about how this will all work out.

I hate to say it I know I have waited a long time for my referral but I am a bit scared now that it could be any day. I think about my life and the changes that will come with the addition of a child. I have wanted to have a baby for so long that I hope that I have not built this dream up in a way that is extremely unrealistic. I have to say I do get some flax from some of my friends who think that I live a charmed life. I am a bit conflicted because I know that there may be some changes that are really hard. I think reading about others experiences and how having a child has impacted their lives is a good thing.

I can say that many of the people who have said something to me about why would I like to have a child now after so many years of not having a child never experienced the inability of not being able to have a child. I remember back when I was much younger in my early 20's thinking that I wanted to be finished having children by the time I was 30 years old. That was my absolute age limit. I have to say I am worried that I am too old to start to have children.

I am also very worried that I will only have this one child and that also has me conflicted. I think that the pressures of being an only child can be so great for both the parents as well as the child. I am a firm believer that I must provide for myself now and make sure that I have enough money saved for retirement.

Maybe I have thought too much about having a child. Maybe my life would have been different if I did not feel the need to plan as much as I do. Maybe I am just over analyzing all of these feelings because I am a bit scared of what is to come in the not so distant future.

I Have Made a Decision

I have taken the past couple of days to do a bit of soul searching before I made my decision to parent this child. I want to thank everyone who has kept us in their prayers this past week. I had often thought that if I were given the opportunity to adopt a child, any child I would just say yes and run with it. I now know myself better then I did last week. We have decided not to parent this child.

I was really sad this past weekend when I realized that this was the case for us. Gerard never felt comfortable and honestly neither did I. I think that becoming a parent is difficult enough that we should not complicate it more then it already will be. I am going to ask that we all continue to pray for this woman because she has some very difficult decisions to make in the not so near future.

There were many reasons why we came to this decision and the foremost decision was that I would have limited ability to live my life in as the child's mother without feeling that I was being measured by others. I know that this may not make scene to many but I feel that we are too close to the birth parents in location and personal acquaintances for this to really work out. I think I have however softened my thoughts about domestic adoptions and in particular open domestic adoptions.

I had a very long discussion with my agency and the agency that did my home study about my rights. We discussed what an open adoption entails and that I would be able to determine the level of openness that would make me comfortable. Some of my fears were myths and some were reality. Because I only wanted to pursue an international adoption we did not focus on the details of a domestic adoption the conversation was very informative.

I am more committed and determined to complete my Russian adoption then I was before. That is the positive side to this situation. I was starting to have a little bit of doubt creep in that I would never become a mother. I will admit that it has been bitter sweet to watch others receive their referrals before me. I think this is normal reaction. Gerard and I spoke about this at length. I have prayed for patience and I will be patient. I am in no hurry I have realized. Each day that I am waiting for news about my referral just adds to the excitement and love that I already feel for my child. When the time is right I will be matched with the right child for me.

Domestic or International??

When I thought about adoption I never considered a Domestic adoption. The one thing about an international adoption that was so appealing to me is the finality of the whole process. Yes I understood that I would not have an infant and the little tiny clothes that go along with that part of being a mother that never bothered me and still does not. I am a bit older then most of the people who read my blog and having a child naturally statistically may yield a child that could have far worst problems then if I adopted.

The things about international adoption that I have been worried about are of course the attachment and leaving the baby between trips. I think at some point I would feel a nagging feeling of not knowing the whole story or history of the mother and missing some of those early milestones.

With a Domestic adoption I fear interference by the birth mother or if a law would change that could allow a birth parent to return and take my baby away from me. My biggest fear would be going to the hospital and seeing a beautiful little baby and not knowing that the birth mother had already changed her mind and decided to parent the child herself. I have seen this first hand at my job. It happens and I am torn apart watching these adoptive parents bond and feed a baby I know that they will never get to hold again.

Even though international adoption is an emotional roller coaster it seems less emotionally draining because I will not have contact with the birth parents. Right now I am more detached from their pain and despair.

I know that this may make me sound cold and hard but honestly this is only a defensive measure that I have learned to shield myself from pain. As much as I love being a nurse there are consequences and one of those consequences is doing everything that you can to detach and shield yourself from a situation that is hurtful. If I let my emotions creep into my work lives could be lost. I have seen newborns die. I seen mothers cry a cry that is inconsolable.

So now I am faced with a hard decision. I have been approached by someone who is pregnant and does not want to parent the child. I feel in my heart that I could go through with this adoption because I for some reason have little fear that once the adoption is complete I would not have to worry about her returning but the 'what if' is killing Gerard and I. Gerard's gut feeling to NO! I am not sure what my gut feeling is right now. If I make the decision to adoption domestically then I will delay my Russian adoption. What if I do that and the rug is ripped out from under me. I am just waiting on 'The Call.'

I have spoken to my agency and they are still confident that by October I should hear something. So this is my dilemma. I will have to do a lot of should searching and praying in order to make the decision that I am meant to make.

9 Months Pregnant: At least on Paper!

According to the ticker I am due any day. I just can not believe that I have been actively working on my adoption for the last 9 months. I have not gained a pound either. I have been thinking about this post for the last week. In the spirit of good blogging I have been thinking about this post for a couple of days. I warn you now this post is super long. I have decided to list 9 positive things that have happened in the past 9 months.

1. I started the process! I know that this may seem like a repeat of my introduction but I have to say that just starting the ball rolling is a difficult battle at least for me it was. I can honestly say that I considered adoption for many, many years before I actually started the process. But some times the fear of the unknown is difficult to overcome.


2. I have found the money to complete the adoption. That is a victory in its self. After all the payments are made I will have a significant decrease in my comfort cushion but I hope and pray actually I know that this will all be worth it once I am home with the little one.


3. I have to say one of the things that I thought I would miss about not being pregnant was the story that went along with giving birth. I think this is an occupational hazard. Where would I be when my water broke? Would Gerard be able to get me to the hospital in time? How would I feel when I got to hold my little baby in my arms for the first time? I can honestly say these thoughts no longer cross my mind. Instead the thoughts that are playing in my mind are even better. I am getting excited about when will I get the call? Will Gerard be home? Will I be able to wait until he gets home to tell him the news? Am I going to tell my family and friends right away or will I wait?


4. My camera skills are improving. Okay I am no Adrienne or Melissa yet but I am trying. I have learned how to down load the pictures into my computer and edit them a bit. One thing that I would love to learn to do before I go is to learn how to do those movies with the music? I love them. I think those movies are a great keepsake. So hopefully before I get the call I will learn how to make one. Even if my first attempt is not great I will take it and run with it.


5. I have gotten better at putting my thoughts down of virtual paper. Sometimes I think I am not staying the true course of what I intended this blog to be (to document my adoption journey). I know not all my posts are about the adoption progress but I have come to realize that most of the things that I have blogged about in the past 9 months have shaped me into the person I am. I think that knowing your inner self before you have to transform into a Mother is probably a good thing. I will be able to teach my little one that life is a journey to be treasured.


6. I am almost done with my BSN. Wow I thought that I was never going to be able to say such a thing. I started back to school in 2004 for my BSN because I was bored. I had a teacher once that told me that people who are bored are boring people. That has always stuck with me. Now the BSN will not really change life much in my current job but if I decide to become a school nurse I must have this degree in order to complete this certification for the state of New Jersey. I just think that being a school nurse will be what is best for my child once he or she is in school. The hours are great and the pay stinks but then I will be able to be home with my child during the summer, off on the weekends, be there for homework and off for all the major holidays. Plus I will not have to be on call and drop the little one off if the unit is busy.


7. I am shopping with a purpose. I know anyone who has been reading this blog has noticed that I am spending plenty of time on the clearance racks in Kohls and many other stores. My little one is fast approaching the need for a second closet because of all the deals that I have found but what can I say I just can not pass them up.


8. I have figured out the who’s, what’s and where’s of child care for when I work. I am thankful that my Mother lives so close and will be able to stay the night when I have to work. Gerard and I have been very busy fixing the office to make this area comfortable for her for when she stays over. My Mother has many grandchildren but because of her past jobs and that fact that she was still raising her own children when some of them were born she never really got to step in and be the Nanny that she wanted to be. Plus I know have plenty of PTO (Paid Time Off) for me to travel, take off the first month that we are home and then one day a pay period for the next year. I will only need to be out of the house 9-10 times per month and still be paid my full time salary. What a relief!!


9. I have gained the support of most of my family and all my friends with respect to adopting a child. At times I have questioned why some people have not been as elated as I am over this miracle but I have finally come to terms with the fact that not everyone will be happy with my decision to adopt. I believe that as long as Gerard and I are elated then that is really all that matters. Gerard and I have talked about how we will handle negative people and their comments that may arise surrounding our child and for once we agree on every bit of it. We will stand together strong as parents’ should.

The most important thing that I have discovered is my blogger friends. If someone would have told me that I would be blogging 9 months ago and enjoying it, I would have been crazy with laughter. I think I drove my friends at work crazy with the word blog for at least a month. I have found a group of people none of whom I have met in person who I will always share this special bond. We are parents in waiting and some who have completed their families and I would have never made it this far with out the support, guidance and kind words that I have received from many of you. God Bless you all. I pray for your families daily.

This post is way to long. Sorry.

Who Knew His Children Were Adopted?

I have started to put together the rest of the documents that I will need for the dossier for in between trips. I just had a feeling that some of these documents might be difficult to get after reading about how others are having a hard time getting the FBI clearance back in time. I am waiting to find out which region I have been assigned so I will know whether I need an FBI clearance or a state police clearance.

So I figured let me get some of the other ones done. I figured if I work on getting one a week done then life will be grand. So this week I decided to run other to the municipal building and get the proof of residence done. Sounds easily right? Wrong! I go into the offices and state my case to the clerk behind the counter and she tells me:

Clerk: "No, The Tax Assessor will not sign a document like this because he does not know that you live in the house."

Crazy Paper Pregnant Woman: "What do you mean? I have lived in this town and owned a residence here for 18 years? I pay my taxes!"

Clerk: "We do not know whether you REALLY live there maybe you live somewhere else?"

Crazy Paper Pregnant Woman: "If I lived somewhere else I would go that town for the paper to be signed! I vote in this town. All my bills go to this address. My home study for the adoption goes to this address. I live here."

Clerk: "Sorry we do not do this type of thing."

Crazy Paper Pregnant Woman: "Can I leave a note for the Tax Assessor or speak to him? May be if I explain it to him he will understand?"

Clerk: "You can leave the paper and your number but I am not sure when he will be able to get around to looking at this? He is a very busy man!"

CPPW: "What? Okay I will leave the stuff you and check back in 2 days."

I go to work and stew about it all night long (Working the nightshift). I develop my plan of action. Because I live in such a small town and Gerard is pretty politically active within the town he knows everyone and most of them owe him a favor. He tells me not to worry we will get it signed.

So I go home and go to bed. Around 1 pm (also known as 1am to a nightshift worker) the doorbell rings. I stumble out of bed throw on a robe and answer the door which I usually do not do. Guess who is there? The Tax Assessor! He starts off with apology and tells me he signed the paper and that he wanted to bring it to me so that I did not have to go back in to town. This is about a 1 mile drive.

Standing there I am thinking what is going on is this a dream? Am I crazy? How scary was I at the Tax Assessors office for him to hand deliver the paper? The answer is this is not a dream, I am not crazy, and I was not even that scary. He had adopted his 2 children about 15 years ago internationally. Apparently, we are one of the only couples in town who has or will be adopting recently. He apologized for the clerk after he heard what she told me. He told her to never do that again but to just call him and he would always sign those papers.

Wonderful Tax Assessor: "You brought back so many wonderful memories for me. Please bring the little one to the office when he gets here."

I know I am getting a bit long but thank God for the Tax Assessors. This has gotten me to thinking Jesus is truly watching over us. Jesus knew that the Tax collectors needed him and his guidance so that they could be saved and live a righteous life. I guess JC knows what he is doing!

You're Going To Miss This

I was driving in the car last night on my way home from work and I heard a song by Trace Adkins titled "You're Going to Miss This". I started thinking about how so many things have changed. Honestly, I must be one of those weird people that have really enjoyed this whole process. I have not minded filling out the paperwork or the cost or anything.

After listening to this song I really thought about it this is my paper pregnancy and I love it. Unlike many who are adopting I have not had any infertility treatments. Gerard and I believed that if God did not intervene and help us to become pregnant then this was not his plan. At first he thought that we were just not supposed to be parents. When I brought up adoption he was very unsure. I am not sure if I have mentioned on this yet but he completely changed his mind when he saw the referral video of Melissa and Nathan's little boy Iliya.



Gerard loves idea that I have started a blog. I think he realizes how much this blog and reading other blogs have helped me to understand the process. Reading about everyone's experience has helped me to feel like any set back that I have had during this process is normal and that others have been waiting much longer then us.

Yesterday I showed Gerard a picture of Carey and Norman's little girl. His face lit up at the sight of her. We have not requested a specific gender but I have been telling him that because of the long wait for a girl we will probably be getting a boy. Since seeing Carey's little treasure he is now asking "Have you bought any dresses?"

I'm Afraid Frustration Has Taken Over

I think I am having an off day. I am waiting one document to be finished so that I can have the Dossier apostilled and sent to Russia. The crazy thing is the document that needs to be changed is one that I have had done for quite some time.

When I changed agencies I had to get my home study changed to reflect the new agency. Well there seems to be either a hold up or a miscommunication. I sent all the things that need to be changed to my home study agency in the end of January.
When I talked to them in January I was told that it would take at least a week before the changes could be made. I am trying to be patient but I guess I am not that patient after all. I have called them once and I am contemplating calling them again this week to see where we stand with the changes.

I know that these tiny obstacles have been put in my way to slow things down a little bit for one of many reasons. Maybe I am supposed to finish my degree first and then be free of writing papers and researching for hours at a time. I know that once the baby comes I will want to spend most of my time reading and playing with the little one. Gerard keeps telling me that I have to wait until it is my turn in God's plan. I have to say thinking about it that way does help me to cope.

I'm Checking Things Off the List

Well the Psychological Evaluation is done!

I think I had some underlying fear about this part of the Dossier. I can not believe how easy the evaluation was. I took Valerie's advice and tried Dr. Linda Busch for the evaluation. She told me that she will have the documents to me and apostilled by the end of next week. Wow that is great service. She was wonderful because she was able to bring her experience as an adoptive mother to the conversation. She was the type of person that you could talk to for hours and still find the conversation rewarding.

She had some great views on attachment and just generally getting used to becoming a family. There was nothing that was weird or out-there about her thoughts. If I lived closer to her I would consider using her as a regular therapist.

I spoke with Lisa my adoption coordinator yesterday. She reviewed my paperwork for the initial part of the Dossier and said it looks good no real changes needed. So that is moving right along. I feel like I am really back in the swing of things. I did not realize that I was having so much anxiety about all the changes. I feel much more focused now. I really was in a funk the past couple of weeks and did not realize it.

I think I was still shocked that this adoption is going so well (knock on wood). I have not had any real set backs. I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop a little bit. I guess I will just enjoy the moment.

Lisa my adoption coordinator said that if I get everything in to her for the end of February then I should maybe hear about a referral around the end of April. I think some of my anxiety was because when I started this journey I was fully prepared for travel in the end of 2008. The thought that this could happen sooner is both wonderful and frightening.

Non-Adoption news my new class started today. I have 4 more after this one. I can not wait for this to be done. The classes are only five weeks so they get pretty intense. By about the third week I am ready for it to be done. There is very little room for error in these classes to meet the participation that is required. I am so glad that I am doing this before the little one comes. Off to work now.

Big Changes are Here for the New Year!

I know that in the past couple of posts I have not really been focused on my adoption but just how life has been for me in general. First I would like to thank Jane for keeping a secret for a couple of weeks now. Jane you have no idea how much that has meant to me. I would like to also that Dede and Rob for having the courage to change agency when they did because without there change I do not think I would have given it an extra thought. I would like to thank Susan and Randy for being so positive with their change in agencies as well. By reading Susan's posts it made me think of the financial ramifications that I could have had to endure if I decided not to change when I did. I have made the decision to change agencies. This decision was made a number of weeks ago mostly due to the lack of accreditation of CHI at the time of my switch.

First let me say that I feel CHI was and has been very professional with my adoption. I have only been treated fairly and courteously throughout this whole process. I do believe that this agency tries to look out for the best interest of their clients. I am sad to be leaving CHI but I am happy to know that my adoption is moving forward.

This move to Adoption Associates has been in the works for a number of weeks and I wanted to make sure that I was comfortable with the move prior to making this decision public. I hope to be finished with my Dossier sometime in January. I prayed over this switch for many days before I made the final decision. I know that I was guided to this agency for the right reason. I have to say that since the switch my anxiety level has decreased significantly. I am now able to be more at peace with my decision and enjoy the adoption process more.

I would like to congratulate CHI on their recent accreditation and the families that are stilled signed with this agency. I wish you all the best and pray for God's speed in sending referrals to the waiting families. I need to officially break this tie with CHI so that this agency can focus all of their efforts on these waiting families.

Rachel and Troy & Becky and Keith, I can not wait to see that you have gotten the call. I can not wait to read all about your adventures to become a family.

I hope everyone has a wonderful New Year! I never thought that I would be as blessed as I am to have friends that understand the things that I am going through with this adoption. To all of the Blogs that I read daily and have not mentioned in this post please know that I am praying for you and children (future children) daily. You all have been a source of strength for me.

God Bless you all.
Joy

Here is My Confession

Here is a confession. I work as a Registered Nurse and have for the last 15 years. I work in a Newborn Nursery. I said it so now it is out there. So I think I am in an unusual situation where I am constantly surrounded by pregnant women, new babies and new parents. At home and at work I am more private because I can not let my feelings of not becoming pregnant jade my objective assessment of other mothers. Only recently I have started to tell different patients about my adoption plans during conversations with them about children. Usually they just assume you have about 45 kids because you work in the nursery and love to care for babies. I have had some mixed reactions from patients so I try to avoid this conversation with them. Some will almost turn you off if they know that you do not have children or have not been pregnant.

Others will almost look at you with pity. I even had a friend act this way when she found out that she was pregnant. She did not want to tell me and apparently it was quite the talk of the nursery until someone else just picked up the phone and said "So and so is pregnant and she did not want to tell you because she is afraid that you will be upset." Personally I think that sounds crazy because her pregnancy is not my pregnancy or my child. I think some people get really strange when they find out that you are adopting. Personally I do not like all the drama.

So this is what I think needs to be said about my situation:
1. Do not feel sad for me because I am adopting and not pregnant.
2. Do ask me about the adoption but let me tell you what I want you to know at that point in time. It may be difficult for me to express any problems or concerns that I have at that point in time.
3. If I am excited about something with the adoption be excited with me.
4. I do not need a doubting Thomas. I am an educated woman who knows how to ask questions.
5. I know some children have developmental delays, have a difficult time attaching to parents or could have experienced trauma while in the orphanage. This point does not need any more additional worry. Believe me I am worried enough and will handle any issues that arise as a result.
6. Love my child more then if he or she were my own. We are the only family this child will ever know. He or she has been hurt enough in this life and do not need to feel like an outsider who is intruding in on our family.
7. Support my decisions even if you do not fully understand them. I have reasons for my actions that you may not understand.
8. Please understand that this a joyous and stressful time in my life.