I Have Made a Decision

I have taken the past couple of days to do a bit of soul searching before I made my decision to parent this child. I want to thank everyone who has kept us in their prayers this past week. I had often thought that if I were given the opportunity to adopt a child, any child I would just say yes and run with it. I now know myself better then I did last week. We have decided not to parent this child.

I was really sad this past weekend when I realized that this was the case for us. Gerard never felt comfortable and honestly neither did I. I think that becoming a parent is difficult enough that we should not complicate it more then it already will be. I am going to ask that we all continue to pray for this woman because she has some very difficult decisions to make in the not so near future.

There were many reasons why we came to this decision and the foremost decision was that I would have limited ability to live my life in as the child's mother without feeling that I was being measured by others. I know that this may not make scene to many but I feel that we are too close to the birth parents in location and personal acquaintances for this to really work out. I think I have however softened my thoughts about domestic adoptions and in particular open domestic adoptions.

I had a very long discussion with my agency and the agency that did my home study about my rights. We discussed what an open adoption entails and that I would be able to determine the level of openness that would make me comfortable. Some of my fears were myths and some were reality. Because I only wanted to pursue an international adoption we did not focus on the details of a domestic adoption the conversation was very informative.

I am more committed and determined to complete my Russian adoption then I was before. That is the positive side to this situation. I was starting to have a little bit of doubt creep in that I would never become a mother. I will admit that it has been bitter sweet to watch others receive their referrals before me. I think this is normal reaction. Gerard and I spoke about this at length. I have prayed for patience and I will be patient. I am in no hurry I have realized. Each day that I am waiting for news about my referral just adds to the excitement and love that I already feel for my child. When the time is right I will be matched with the right child for me.

Domestic or International??

When I thought about adoption I never considered a Domestic adoption. The one thing about an international adoption that was so appealing to me is the finality of the whole process. Yes I understood that I would not have an infant and the little tiny clothes that go along with that part of being a mother that never bothered me and still does not. I am a bit older then most of the people who read my blog and having a child naturally statistically may yield a child that could have far worst problems then if I adopted.

The things about international adoption that I have been worried about are of course the attachment and leaving the baby between trips. I think at some point I would feel a nagging feeling of not knowing the whole story or history of the mother and missing some of those early milestones.

With a Domestic adoption I fear interference by the birth mother or if a law would change that could allow a birth parent to return and take my baby away from me. My biggest fear would be going to the hospital and seeing a beautiful little baby and not knowing that the birth mother had already changed her mind and decided to parent the child herself. I have seen this first hand at my job. It happens and I am torn apart watching these adoptive parents bond and feed a baby I know that they will never get to hold again.

Even though international adoption is an emotional roller coaster it seems less emotionally draining because I will not have contact with the birth parents. Right now I am more detached from their pain and despair.

I know that this may make me sound cold and hard but honestly this is only a defensive measure that I have learned to shield myself from pain. As much as I love being a nurse there are consequences and one of those consequences is doing everything that you can to detach and shield yourself from a situation that is hurtful. If I let my emotions creep into my work lives could be lost. I have seen newborns die. I seen mothers cry a cry that is inconsolable.

So now I am faced with a hard decision. I have been approached by someone who is pregnant and does not want to parent the child. I feel in my heart that I could go through with this adoption because I for some reason have little fear that once the adoption is complete I would not have to worry about her returning but the 'what if' is killing Gerard and I. Gerard's gut feeling to NO! I am not sure what my gut feeling is right now. If I make the decision to adoption domestically then I will delay my Russian adoption. What if I do that and the rug is ripped out from under me. I am just waiting on 'The Call.'

I have spoken to my agency and they are still confident that by October I should hear something. So this is my dilemma. I will have to do a lot of should searching and praying in order to make the decision that I am meant to make.

So Many Thoughts and Feelings

I can remember back to when I first became an Aunt. The excitment just about killed me. I was 12 years old. See that is what happens when you are number 5 out of 6 children. I swore that once I became an Aunt that I would be there for my nieces and nephews for any thing that they might need.

Even though all my Mother's family lives within 10 miles of me we never really got together much when I was a child. Things are different now but I still remember thinking that I wish they wanted to spend more time with us. Again when you are #5 out of 6 children most of scratch that all of your cousins are much older then you are.

Now that I am older and I understand more I see that it was just a difference in age thing and nothing else. Actually I go to church with one of my Aunts on most Sundays. Every month we pretty much all get together for lunch unless I am so sound asleep that an earthquake could not wake me.

My Father's family was never close to us. They live so far away that this makes it very hard. I can honestly say that I have only half heartedly tryied to maintian the contact since my Father is gone. This past week I got a call from one of my Aunts out there and apparently her Husband (my Uncle) Is very sick. I never thought that I would be this sad to out this information. I guess because once they are gone I know that my contact with my Father's family will be gone completely.

I have cousins that I have never meet. Ironically one is also a nurse. Aside from this little bit of information that is all I know about them. I wonder if I would like them or reversely whether they even think of me.

I would not even know how to get into contact with the rest of the family. Most of them live in Canada or Denmark. My Father immagrated here when he was a teenager.

These are all stange feelings but I wonder if these are similar feelings that my child might feel in respect to his first parents? I think this is something that I should prepare for when my little one is older. One interesting thing was when I was decideing on which country to adopt from Russia was my first choice because of how close St Petersburg is to Denmark. I firgured that when I travel I could hit Russia and Denmark in one trip.

I'm Not Crazy After All!

Well,
Today was a very productive day for me. At Valerie's suggestion I looked into using Dr. Busch for my Psychological evaluation. I called her this morning when I got up and left a message that probably sounded crazy rambling on about my situation. Wow was I surprised when she called me back. I think this may be easier then I first thought. She emailed me a couple of forms to fill out. I can pay her using PayPal. She is willing to do the evaluation over the telephone. The best part however is that she is going to handle having all the documents notarized, certified and apostilled. She is even going to send them directly to the agency if I like.

I also spent quite a bit of the day completing my adoption education on line. I have to say that it was quite enlightening and a little scary. I think that it is normal to feel a little scared about attachment issues. I have been going on the premise that if I am aware that there may be issues with attachment that I will be able to see the warning signs and be able to intervene if a problem arises.

The other thing that I really never thought about was how the child may experience the feelings of loss. I have a number of friends who have adopted and we have talked about some of the issues that they have encountered. The loss of having a birthparent available to the child has not come up. This brings me to a difficult fork in the road. I decided to pursue international adoption specifically because there would be no confusion as to who the mother or father are for this child but now I am rethinking whether or not my decision to exclude a birthparent or extended family presents me with a new set of problems.

I have read some on the FRUA website about families who have hired an investigator to find the birth parents or family members. Off the top of my head I can not quote any particular investigator but it has got me thinking. I wonder if it is feasible for us to have some type of relationship with the birth family. In my mind I have always thought I would travel back to Russia when the time is right so that my child will at least be able to see where he or she was born and spent the first couple of years of his or her life but now I am thinking that this may not be enough. I know this is a lot to think about. I think I am just getting a little nervous because everything seems to be going so fast.

A Baby is Born!

On January 2, 2008 a baby was born. I am now the proud Aunt to 4 Nieces and 4 Nephews. I could not be happier. My newest Nephew was born on Wednesday. I was so excited to be able to be at the hospital when he was born. It looks like my baby will be the tie breaker.

My sister called and needed me to pick up her oldest son Aristotle and get him to the hospital without telling him why we were going. This was the hard part because only my Sister or Brother-In-Law are the only ones who pick him up. So I told him we were going to the hospital so that he could meet my friends. After a trip to Wa-Wa where he picked out a bunch of things like Mac and Cheese and 1 Dove bar (Aristotle's favorite chocolate bar). As My Mother, Aristotle and I were driving to the hospital He tells my Mother "Nanny I hope you will be with me at the hospital when my Brother is born." Well my Mother and I just looked at each other giggling inside.

We got there just in time for Aristotle to see the baby coming out of the operating room. He was shocked to see his father there and to find out that his Brother was born. I was able to capture Aristotle's reaction on video and with my camera. I would love to post these pictures but I can not do this without my Sister's permission.

The one controversy in my family is what will Jackie and Rick name the baby? They have been closed mouthed about this because of the amount of heat that they got with Aristotle's name. I told them I do not have to love the name just the baby. So here it is the baby's name is Sloan Falcon. I am trying to get used to this name. So I keep practicing saying it out loud.

Sorry about the title but I am still finishing the Dossier. I just could not wait to use that sentence.

You Have No Idea How Long We Have Waited!

You have no idea how long we have waited! Now before you glance over this post as me being a whining baby give me a minute first. I was at a delivery the other day and this is what the father said to me. He had tears in his eyes. This man you could tell was not the crying in public type but more of the I can handle anything type.

For those of you who do not know in the world of labor and delivery and babies being born if the nursery nurse comes to the delivery it is generally not a good thing that means that there is usually someone in danger mostly the baby. So I was at the delivery of this little boy; I will spare you the gory details the child had issues I will leave it at that. The love that this father felt for this child just about knocked me out; He was tender to his wife and new son while trying to ask all the important questions that he knew were both difficult and necessary. This man was a good father from the start of his child's life. I can see many of the same qualities that this father had in Gerard plus many more.

Then I started to think about my own little bean. I am imagining that he or she is born and I pray that the birth is a joyous one not one filled with tension or issues. I feel like I am a little out of control with this feeling because if I were to get pregnant and give birth unlike many others I know the routine and the subtle things that are said when there is a problem.

I hope and pray that Little Bean's birth father is there hold the birth mother's hand and helping her through this difficult time. I hope that Little Bean's birth parents are the best parents in the world to him or her until they give little bean to me. Sometimes being the best parents in the world is acknowledging that adoption is the best alternative for a child. I do not know why I am thinking about the birth parents so much today but I am.

I usually tell parents that a baby is everything that is good and wonderful about both the Mom and the Dad. I guess once Little Bean is here I am going to have to add everything that is good about the ones that made your life possible too your birthparents. I have been praying for a long time to have a child either through birth or adoption I will add in these prayers the birth families because it is the right thing to do.