Cookies and more (quite long sorry)

I can not believe that Christmas is just about a week away! I am so excited to see her face on Christmas morning but I am more excited that I have been able to really enjoy the holidays this year. I have a good friend who told me I have to make a decision..."either enjoy them or not!" I have decided I will enjoy them. I have let pretty much no outside influence weight me down which is a switch for me.

Last week La-La took Anna to see a live Nativity. Anna loved it and has been talking about the camel all week. She has also been asking for the baby Jesus too which warms my heart. I took down the Nativity set this past week and set it up. My Mother bought this one for me about 10 years ago. I wanted this one because the pieces are not breakable or attached to the stable and the baby Jesus is removable. The minute she saw it Anna asked "Jesus?" I told her Christmas morning he will be there.

Since Anna I listen to less music in the car. We talk and sing songs instead. I will ask her questions sometimes I get a response sometimes not. She has started to recognize when we are close to home. This is hard if we are not going home. So instead I ask her who lives at home. My heart melts when she say "Anna home, Momma home, Daddy home, King home (her stuffed animal)" and usually this is where the conversation ends but now there is a new twist. Now she adds "Jesus home." I love that she know Jesus lives with us.



Thursday was my in between day where I work into and out of the day. Now a days I am lucky because Gerard is able to take her after school and I get to sleep. Usually I get a texted a picture of what they are doing. Most times he takes her to see Papa. Gerard had some shopping to do so he took Anna with him. The one store where he wanted to go was near the beach. Anna recognized that and his fate was sealed. He told me all he heard from the back of his truck was "Beach, Beach, Beach!"

The unique thing is it was snowing. He tried his best to explain that today was not a beach day but Little Miss won out. I know it is hard to see but that is snow on the beach. He walked her up to the beach she stepped in the sand and about 2 minutes later she told him "cold, go"



I could not resist having her go out in the snow for a couple of minutes just to grab a few pictures.





Yesterday was Cookie Day at our house. As in many projects we had a house full. Me-Me, Hans, Wayne (Me-Me's brother) and a new welcome addition Miranda Wayne's girlfriend. Later in the day La-La, My sister Julie, Joy Babe and Johny also came by to do some cookies. As a family we are hard to meet because we are loud and joke around and generally tease one another in a kind manner all be it we do tease. If you are new to the mix you are put right in there although we do try to go a little bit easier on you with the teasing.

Miranda and Johny but fit in beautifully. Miranda was so much fun to make cookies with because she spoke up and jumped right in. After meeting her for about 5 minutes I pulled out the vintage aprons and she spoke right up "I'll take the yellow one." We even made the boys wear one. Johny walked in got the once over by Gerard then a smile from him so I know he approves of him with the exception of he did offer to take him for a hair cut I am sure. A wonderful time was had by all. I do wish that Jimmy and Greg had been able to come but both were working.

The funny thing is Anna was playing with Hans but when she saw Me-Me pull out the bowls and cookie ingredients she almost ran to "her spot at the table." I had so much fun yesterday but more importantly I think everyone had fun yesterday. I will not be able to see them all on Christmas so seeing them now will make up for that.



(He who shall not be named is in the picture behind Miranda does that count as being on the blog?)



Why would Hans want the wax paper?


Don't be so silly for the tube of course!


Of course Anna needed a turn too.


Me with no make up and my hair barely brushed


Joy Babe and Johny. He was making the Monopoly man.



So as you can see we did have a fun day.

Winter Party CT scan results

Yesterday was a big day in our house first Anna had her Winter party. I am not sure I will get used to the political correctness that public school must offer around the holidays but I was corrected more then once by the teacher and other school employees. It is a Winter party and Winter shop. Last week was the Winter shop and Anna got to take her list of people along with some money for the purposes of buying gifts for Christmas. I can tell you that she has some pretty good taste in the gift picking out area.

I missed the winter party but La-La went in my place. La-La had a great time she also said it was so funny to see her act so grown up around her friends because she does not act that grown up with me. Anna frequently pretends to be a baby I of course make a fuss and pick her up. When this happens she gets a big smile across her face and snuggles into me. For La-La she does not do this and acts more grown up but in the classroom setting she acts even older La-La said.

I think Anna is still securing her feelings of being MY baby and enjoys the comfort and attention. I love it too because holding her is my favorite thing to do. Anna is a very busy little girl between playing with puzzles or Play Doh so I these breaks that she takes to pretend to be a baby are welcomed by me.

I have not gotten all the details about the party yet but I know that they had fun. They do a craft, a game, a story and have a snack at the parties. Who would not love to have that inserted into the daily routine and hard work of preschool?

The craft was making a bird feeder. The head class mom collected pine cones from their Thanksgiving trip to North Carolina. Her twins picked out special ones for everyone and Anna's was the smallest because she is the smallest in the class. When I hear things like this I think wow that is a good child and an nice parent. Taking the time to do stuff like that with your child or children is important and you never get that time back, more on that later.

The pine cone was covered in peanut butter. Anna has an aversion to her hands being sticky so much of the craft was completed by La-la. I hope to hang it in the backyard in the next day or so to get a few good pictures of her with it.


I also got a present. A wreath made from tracings of her hands. I am not quite sure where I will hang this yet. I do have a special picture frame that I purchased from Target that holds her projects but I am just not ready to remove the one that I currently have in the front. I love this frame because you can showcase one piece of art and the frame opens like a folder to hold all the other pieces of art. I am planning on taking a picture of each piece of artwork and up load them to shutterfly to make a photo book. I know I sound corny.




The other big part of yesterday was our trip to Sloan-Kettering for my Mother's experimental vaccine for her lung cancer. We also got the results of her latest CT scan. In September when I was in Disney my Mother had a CT scan and those results showed 2 areas of concern that appeared to be the return of her lung cancer. See here is the tricky thing about Medicine you can only use words like appears to be because without a biopsy report nothing is definite. This uncertainty is the part that upsets people they just want to know.

Last week the CT scan was repeated and yesterday we got the results. Yes the one area of concern is still present in the left lung not the right where her original lung cancer was located. The area in the right is improved. So what does this mean? It means we are going to watch and wait to see if either area gets larger. If the area gets significantly smaller or goes away it is not cancer. Because the one area got smaller it is thought that that one perhaps is infection or scar tissue. The other area in the left lung stayed the same. This is where the big Hmmmmm comes in so we decided that we will repeat her CT scan in 3 months or in February.

I guess this means we are in a bit of a holding pattern right now. Which quite frankly we are all okay with. The type of lung cancer that my Mother had is a very slow growing cancer. So waiting the three months is okay. Thank you all for your support and prayers.

Which brings me back to the beginning of this post when I said taking the time with your children is so important because you never get it back. I am not sure how many of you have ever been to a cancer research hospital like Sloan-Kettering but if you are there the reason is plain and simple you have cancer. We met a lady yesterday with stage 3 ovarian cancer, overheard her talking to her sister about whether or not she should cancel her vacation with her children April. I looked up and our eyes met. I looked her straight in the face and told her "NO! Everyday you are making memories with your children and I think you should go and have a great time." I was shocked at myself because as loud as I am I never interject into any of the conversations that I overhear at Sloan-Kettering.

This lady is 44 with two 7 year old children. She looked at me and told me I was right and she was going to go. Her children were looking forward to it. By the end of the conversation we were all laughing and there was more hope in her voice. Please say a prayer for her and her family.

When it is cold you should...

...think about those pictures from the water park! The weather here has been cold, no snow like in other parts of the country but cold never the less. The gas burning stove has made a big difference in our house. I love the way our living room is warm and toasty.

I have a confession, every year when it starts to get cold out I start to think about being some place warm in March or February. I would just love to shed the coats and be in flip flops again. Okay I am still wearing the flip flops but my feet are colder in the winter. I was looking at airfare to Florida the other night and found a deal. I have not booked it because I want a guarantee that the weather will be nice and be able to swim. Perhaps I will go in April but I do have a trip somewhat planned for Missouri in the first 2 weeks of May so I am torn with booking anything right now.

What is a girl to do when it is so cold out. I know go pick up those Disney pictures from the water park from our trip in September. In Typhoon Lagoon they had an area that was perfect for Anna including a slide on a tube. I liked it because I was able to put her on it, Gerard was able to stand at the bottom. The best part was I was able to walk along side her the entire trip down.

Most of the pictures were very over developed but I have a few that I still love. I completely forgot that I had put these in for processing and was a touch sad to realize that I did not include them in her birthday book but after seeing them I am okay with them not being in the book. I will put them in her Fall of 2010 book.





Yes that is "Mr. Wilson" also know as Gerard. The disposable water cameras are not so great perhaps Santa will bring me a little camera that is water proof.

Christmas in NYC

Yesterday was a Sloan-Kettering trip for a CT scan for my Mother. I decided a couple of months ago if the trip was to be a short one that I would take Anna with me. In the city there are so many different experiences that I hate the thought of wasting a trip there for some thing that feels a little sad. Some trips are much longer where we spend 7-9 hours in testing, treatment and waiting to see doctors those days she will stay home.

I decided that because of the time of the year for this CT scan we would schedule it for the afternoon so that we could go see the Christmas tree at Rockefeller center. I would have loved to do the ice skating but this was too cold for every one but me. Anna will enjoy it one day and we will go back.

Anna was very good on the trip up. We stopped by Ikea and purchased a few things for Christmas. Where I park in the city is about 4 or 5 blocks from building where we have to be and too far for my mother to walk so we have started dropping her off on the other side of the street. This is the first time that my sister was with me when I did that and her reaction was pretty funny. She told me"You just kicked your Mother out of the car? Does she know where she is going?" Sad to say the answer is yes she does know where she is going but this did make me laugh.

We parked the car bundled up Anna and walked to the office. Anna is a mad puzzler. There has never been a puzzle that she has not wanted to do. So puzzles are some thing I bring with us pretty much every where. 100 pieces was just enough for her to put together while we waited for Nanny to finish her CT scan.




Then it was out into the cold to fine the tree. I forgot how busy the taxi cabs are at rush hour and when it is cold. In the summer time getting a taxi is so much easier. We did however end up with a gypsy cab, really it was a driver in a town car waiting to pick up his executive but a gypsy cab sounds more exciting after all.

He dropped us off right at the tree. I pulled all our stuff and Anna out of the car thanked the man for his kindness we were on our way. I never want to forget Anna's reaction when she saw the tree. She let out with a big "WOW, fancy!"





After about 15 minutes of looking around and a short 2 block walk to get a taxi we were headed home. I would say it was worth the effort. My Mother has never seen the tree lit and I think having Anna with us on these trips is good for her. In all the day was a pretty good day.

Now I am just praying that what they saw on her CT scan 2 months ago is 1. gone, 2. just a shadow or 3. scar tissue. I am not ready for this to be cancer again so soon.

Nativity and Christmas tree are up!

We have been so busy. I have had a busy work schedule but that has not stopped me from enjoying the season. We bought a new fake tree. Oh how I would love to have a real tree. Gerard and I or should I say I have decided that next year we will be going to tag a tree and then cut it down. Last year we went and looked at trees but our lives were so much busier and we never made it back to cut one down. Anna is still so young and the concept of Christmas is still a little vague for her.

A couple of weeks ago we had to go into the attic for a few things. Anna spotted the Nativity set. Just in case your wondering our attic has a completely finished floor so that I can go up there, store stuff and not feel like I might go through the ceiling. Once Anna saw the cow the next thing out of her mouth was "Jesus" so I dug through the box until I found the baby Jesus. When we explained that it was just not time to bring them down she would not hear of it. Jesus came down with us on that trip and has been actively been tucked into to her bed every night.

Last year we put out the Nativity and for Christmas morning it was covered with 3 feet of snow. I never thought she would remember doing this but she did. (I was going to be clever and make this so you could read about last year only to realize I never posted last years pictures, sigh.) This makes we wonder about what else she remembers. I have very few memories of my very young childhood and certainly none from when I was 2 years old. I guess I just thought she would be the same in my heart even though in my brain I knew she would remember.


Christmas 2009

Christmas 2010

Sorry about the black and white I was fooling with some settings on my camera.


I feel sad at times that she may remember not having me or her first Mother to pick her up and be with her when she was needing complete undivided attention from a parent. I want her to remember being in Moscow running in the gardens and seeing St Basil's cathedral but I do not want her to remember being scared because she was with a stranger who she could not understand and who could not understand her. Today things are different, I know what she is saying or needs about 99% of the time even if others do not. I love this feeling and I am sure she likes it too.

Back to the point of the story, on Black Friday I bought a new tree. Gerard put it together because it is way too heavy for me to lift and I am finding the arm that I broke is becoming increasingly more painful even though that was a year and half ago when I broke it. I am guessing it is nerve pain so I will just grin and bare it.

Secretly, I was dreading taking down the decorations for the tree. The last time they were put away it felt so unorganized. I have too many decorations and feel like I need about 2 or perhaps 3 days to go through them deciding which to keep and which to donate.

I decided this is not the year to go through those decorations and perhaps I will go through them one day this spring when Anna is in school. I was left with the feeling of "Now what am I going to do?" I pulled out the ribbon and strung up the ornaments that we have made and we decorated the tree. I had purchased a bunch of different felt ornament packages over the years that I had not done for various reasons, add in the apple sauce cinnamon and salt dough ornaments and bang we are done. The other thing about those decorations is they seem like they are from a past life or some one else's life, when shopping for decorations was important. My life today is so much different. Anna is the most important person in my life and I want her to be reflected in the decorations for one of the most special holidays that we celebrate.

Made by Anna with some help from me

This year our tree is decorated by 100% handmade ornaments that Anna and I made together along with Hans, Me-Me, La-La and Aunt Julie. I love the way it turned out even though it is much different then I thought it would look year ago when I dreamed of having a child.

Have I told you that I LOVE just how active she is and how she wants to do every thing Gerard and I do. I never have to force or coax her to participate in any homemade project. Anna wants to be near us and do things with us. How could I be so blessed. I never want to take that for granted.

I do have more Christmas projects in the works and I hope to be done with the last sewing project this weekend if my work schedule will allow me to do so. I promise to post something tomorrow.

Ho, Ho, Ho

Last week we did have some happy moments. Gerard and I decided that we wanted to take Anna to see Santa Claus. In our area Santa Claus comes to visit at Story Book Land. This is a little amusement park that is themed as different children's stories.

Our plan is to make a birthday cake on Christmas eve and talk about the celebration for his birthday the following day. Anna gets so excited for every one's birthday I imagine that she will love to make the cake with me or at least help with the icing.

Last week was 50% off week so I was able to fit it into the budget. Plus I wanted Anna to see Santa Claus early in the season. We want to focus on Christmas as Jesus's birthday not just a day where you get presents. I talked Jaime and Greg into taking Hans too. I find it amazing just how fast he is, so much like Jaime. If she puts him down he just bolts through crowds to where he wants to be.

Gerard the man who hates a crowds and lines could not believe just how long the line was to just get into the park. The line was across the front down the side around the back and into their spare parking lot that I am sure they just use for the Christmas season.

I could not resist taking this picture. I had just buckled her in and told her we were going somewhere to have some fun. Once she saw Story Book Land she was amazed by the lights and kept saying "Fancy" so I know she liked it.

This is the line going into the park.

This is the part we had already passed through.

Santa's summer cottage at the Jersey shore

Jaime, Greg and Hans waiting to see Santa

Of course the big man himself with Anna.

Anna on the carousel


In spite of how I was feeling last week we did really have a nice time. Thank you all for your prayers and support. Much of my sadness is unresolved grief. I hope to one day not to be stuck in some of these stages of grief and be able to just move past them.

I wish...

I wish I could be clever or cute right now. I am just sad. Anna is wonderful this has nothing to do with her but with me.

I am having a hard time with the things I have said to Gerard in the last couple of days. I have not been kind. I just feel like crying most days and I have been crying on other days.

Please if you have it in your heart to say a small prayer I could use it now more then ever.