Here is a confession. I work as a Registered Nurse and have for the last 15 years. I work in a Newborn Nursery. I said it so now it is out there. So I think I am in an unusual situation where I am constantly surrounded by pregnant women, new babies and new parents. At home and at work I am more private because I can not let my feelings of not becoming pregnant jade my objective assessment of other mothers. Only recently I have started to tell different patients about my adoption plans during conversations with them about children. Usually they just assume you have about 45 kids because you work in the nursery and love to care for babies. I have had some mixed reactions from patients so I try to avoid this conversation with them. Some will almost turn you off if they know that you do not have children or have not been pregnant.
Others will almost look at you with pity. I even had a friend act this way when she found out that she was pregnant. She did not want to tell me and apparently it was quite the talk of the nursery until someone else just picked up the phone and said "So and so is pregnant and she did not want to tell you because she is afraid that you will be upset." Personally I think that sounds crazy because her pregnancy is not my pregnancy or my child. I think some people get really strange when they find out that you are adopting. Personally I do not like all the drama.
So this is what I think needs to be said about my situation:
1. Do not feel sad for me because I am adopting and not pregnant.
2. Do ask me about the adoption but let me tell you what I want you to know at that point in time. It may be difficult for me to express any problems or concerns that I have at that point in time.
3. If I am excited about something with the adoption be excited with me.
4. I do not need a doubting Thomas. I am an educated woman who knows how to ask questions.
5. I know some children have developmental delays, have a difficult time attaching to parents or could have experienced trauma while in the orphanage. This point does not need any more additional worry. Believe me I am worried enough and will handle any issues that arise as a result.
6. Love my child more then if he or she were my own. We are the only family this child will ever know. He or she has been hurt enough in this life and do not need to feel like an outsider who is intruding in on our family.
7. Support my decisions even if you do not fully understand them. I have reasons for my actions that you may not understand.
8. Please understand that this a joyous and stressful time in my life.
School Days - November 2023
11 months ago
3 comments:
joy, i have been reading your blog and want you to know i think your going to be a great mom. i will pray that it happens for you soon , i imagine things can be very stressful for you and you have a great attitude. people often do not understand that they hurt you more by keeping things from you than if it was something that bothered you, but as you said its not like its your child is theirs and your happy for them. i hope that soon i can read you have a child of your own to love unconditionlly.people are wierd. they think if things are not perfect then oh poor so and so, a far cry from it as you know and have said. blessings for you and i will keep you in my prayers
Vicki,
Thank you for your understanding.
Joy
I have been on the side of needing a family so I congratulate you for choosing to adopt. I have been told that adoption can be a bit like picking a pet from the pound and then I inform them of my "status" and they act like something must have been wrong with me. Just remember to have the attitude that your child no matter where it is from is YOUR child and don't forget to remind people who are short sighted of that fact. My parents and I do not seem to get along well but I can say that had I not had them in my life things would be much worse for me. I am always thankful for them even when I forget to show it. Just remind yourself that no matter what all men adopt their kids. I know that it could be a choice for some but all husbands adopt their children so you are in good company in certain respects. My father told me that when people would mock my adoption. He would specify this because men can not, sans a DNA test, know for sure if their child truly is their child thus it must be assumed.
Being a real parent is just that BEING one, worrying like one, hoping for the children you care for like one. Do an amazon search on adoption books there are some good ones. They may help you connect with how you feel and how you wish to communicate with the community around you. My wife says that people often see those who chose not to procreate as less important just remember how important and rare you will be and remember why you want this and how it fills with thoughts of a future and a legacy...
octopal@juno.com
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