So Many Things Remain Undone

I am a big calendar freak. I carry one with me and write down everything in it. I even carry past calendars with me for up to 2 years. This is one of my crazy characteristics coming out. I like to have things planned ahead.

This past week I got news that my adoption coordinator's father died. From the email that she sent it sounds like it may have been sudden. I am a little worried for her because I do not want her to have to rush right back to work. Please pray for her and her family.

My dossier is in Russia being translated I do not believe that it is done yet. I think it will take another couple of weeks (2-3 weeks). According to my calendar (HAHAHA) I should be getting a referral sometime in June.

I do not know what is happening to me. Last night and this morning I was sitting here thinking about when the little one comes and I started to get a little anxious. I am worried about the strangest things. I think this has to do with amount of pressure I put on myself and maybe because I have a really big school project that I must finish by today. (95% done).

I am scheduled to start my next class in 2 weeks and this class will be 6 weeks long (ending on June 9, 2008). I know that this is a crazy worry but I am worried that I will get the referral in the middle of my class. That is not even the problem because I take all my classes on the internet.

Here is the problem. I am stressed because of all the perfect little things that I have not done in order to prepare for my baby. The list is very long.

• Finish Handmade quilt (started about 8 years ago for my baby)
• Finish other quilt for general play and usage
• Baby Book (One that is special maybe even a handmade scrapbook)
• Paint and decorate the room (Gerard and I have always agreed not to have an unused nursery)
• Make a Christening Gown
• Think of gifts to bring to Care givers
• Pack
• Purchase tickets
• Find accommodations
• Work
• Worry enough

I guess the wait and not knowing when the call will come is starting to killing me today. I am trying my best to stay positive but I fear I am slipping into negative territory. I am very happy for everyone for has gotten their referrals because they have made a family with the baby that was chosen for them. Honestly reading the updates about preparing rooms, finishing up on the needed paperwork and making the arrangements usually calms me down. Seeing the pictures of everyone’s little ones well that is a totally different set of emotions.

I do not want to sound too bazaar but I am nervous about one of two things. First that time will pass so slowly, even though up to now it has not. But even worst that the time will pass so quickly that I will have wasted my free time writing papers and reading textbooks that I will not be able to get the things done that I have always wanted to have done before the baby comes. I am only getting one shot at this with the price of adoption we will not be able to afford a second child. I will put these thoughts and feelings in God's hands. I have no need to rush the time away right now I will save that for in between trips. I also have no deadline to finish these last 2 classes before the baby comes. I think I just might need a break from school.

I will know more in the next couple of days I think once my thoughts and emotions settle down. I planned on waiting to call my coordinator until next week to see if there is any new information about my dossier. On second thought maybe I just need more caffeine. I have been trying to cut back and maybe this is not the right time.