My first call from home

Nights like this make me want to stop working and live in a tent. Although I bet that is expensive too. Don't get me wrong I do not mind working and I like my job but Anna is having a hard time tonight. In honesty she has had a hard time for the last couple of days.

I believe that in the area of attachment we are doing well but there are times when I wonder if what I am seeing is an honest picture or perhaps just what I want to see. For the last two days Anna has not wanted me to be out of her sight. I know that sounds like no big deal but that in conjuction with the fact that she is now bringing me the baby sling to wear and carry her makes me think she is having some anxiety.

Today she sat on my lap most of the day while I organized a few things. Also in the past two days her eating has tappered off again. Today she only wanted bottles. This afternoon when she was playing she started to act like a baby again laying on the floor and fake crying. My heart melts each time this happens because she looks to see if I am coming and then when she sees me or hears me coming she cries even louder. I make a big deal when she does this by scoping her up, rocking her and giving her a bottle. I start to tell her that I love her and that I will always be there for her.

I am working tonight and my heart is breaking because even though she fell asleep at her regular time Gerard just called to say she has been up three times. He got nervous because she has never done this before for him. I know as you read this you are saying "why did he call you?"

I know he called because he got scared that she was not okay. Apparently, she is waking up frantically looking for me. What I believe he is describing is night terrors. She has only done this once before and I was home. I told him to just stay near her and that this will pass.

Oh man this is the part that I really dislike. I have six more hours of work. I will be holding, rocking and feeding babies all night. Soothing their cries and the one who needs me most is home struggling without me.

I need to re-evaluate working or at least re-evaluate working three night a week. Please say a prayer that the worst of the night is over and that she will sleep like a log for the rest of the night.

While I was making the bonnets Anna was....

I finished the bonnet and bloomers for Melissa and Nathan's give away. I will be the first to admit I really really like them. In my mind I picture a little baby girl having her picture taken by Melissa and I can feel my heart smile.

When I sew I will also admit I am messy. I always have been. My house is usually not a wreck but once the sewing comes out all bets are off. Add in a 2 year old playing with her toys and the house turns into a hot mess before you can say "Bob's your uncle" (sorry for the shameless reference to the Dalmatian's movie).

Gerard is know for calling me pretty much all day long. He feels like he miss us and what we are doing. So I was on the phone talking to him, uploading pictures from my camera and finishing up the last bit on the bonnet. When out of the corner of my eye I saw Anna leaning over the coffee table with my scissors in her hands trying to cut her hair.

Yikes! I dropped the phone and scared the day lights out of her but I am happy to report she has not had her first hair cut as of yet! Crisis avoided.

Toys, Toys and more Toys

I believe that for the most part children's toys are very expensive. Forty plus dollars for a plastic barn is out of my price range. Anna does not really frequent the toy area of the major stores but quite honestly some of her favorite toys are ones we have made.

Since Anna started speech therapy Anna has become very interested in the type of toys that have characters who play in houses doors to open and close. I am committed to saving for Anna's education so in order to make sure I am financially secure cuts have to be made in some places. Brand new toys is one area where I have been able to save some money.

Now I am not saying that every toy Anna gets is or will be used but why does she need a new toy every week that is brand new? I do believe that we live in a world of excessive spending. I point the finger at myself when I say this so please do not think I am judging everyone.

I feel lucky that I have the ability to buy these toys new but am able to have enough restraint to find them in one of the local thrift stores instead. As a result of saving money this way I feel comfortable with what I am spending for us to take a vacation.

I want Anna to know the value of a dollar. I want her to learn that hard work is rewarded. Saving for the future is necessary. We have a little bank account for Anna nothing big Gerard and I put the last three digits of our paychecks into this account. We make a point of taking Anna with us and telling her what we are doing. The bank account is one of the old fashion ones, a passport account. Anna has at times also received money gifts that have also gone into this account. We also recycle copper pieces from some of Gerard's extra jobs. That was the other reason why she was at the junk yard last week. Anna received a "paycheck" for her help in loading and unloading the copper.

I guess my point is I think in the past I have wasted so much money on things that were meaningless. My biggest goals are to have my home paid for outright, save enough to help (not pay for completely) Anna with her college education and live a lifestyle that is comfortable.

So here it is I spent less then 10 dollars and got all of these toys. Anna has played for hours with them and I feel good that the money went to charity, never mind there will be less plastic in a landfill.
I just love this picture of Hans


The Bisquick bottle they love that one

I'm One of Two

In Russia tonight there is a woman who may not openly be celebrating Mother's day. Anna's first Mother will never know how much I think and care for her. When we pray at night I always mention her first family in Russia because even though Anna and I may never meet or converse with them they are also her family.

When I was in Russia on my first trip I saw a picture of Anna's Mother. Unfortunately for Anna I was not able to have this picture. I have toyed with the idea of doing a birth family search but for now for reasons I am not willing to discuss I have decided against that for now but I decided that in the near future I will do that search.

Tomorrow is Mother's day I will celebrate the day with Gerard and Anna. I will get to pick Anna up any time she wants me. I will be able to hug and kiss her all day long. I will be able to watch Anna laugh, run and play. In Russia, there is a woman who will not get the chance to behold this beautiful gift. I wish I had the chance to thank Anna's first Mother for giving me the chance to be Anna's forever Mother.

So there you have it, I am one of two woman who Anna can call Mama.

A hot mess I tell you

Thursday is what I lovingly refer to as the in between day. This is the 12 hour span on time when I am off between my 2 shifts. Jillian usually watches Anna in the morning a bit then Gerard takes her out to the park and for a ride to get french fries. All of this is done so that I can sleep. Bless their hearts because even though I must sleep they know if Anna is in the house I will not sleep but instead just want to be with her.

This morning Anna, Jillian also known as La-La, Hans, and Jaime also known as Me-Me went for a walk before I even got home. Gerard had arrangements to pick her up from them so I was banished to bed. Mostly I think because I am in a cycle of not sleeping. I have only been sleeping in 2 hour spans here and there. Gerard would never say it to me but I have been a little cranky lately.I hope this weekend I am able to catch up on some sleep.

Which brings me to the switch off between La-La and Gerard. Anna usually points and says DaDa for any dark haired man in a truck which in the area where there are many men who fit that description more on that later. So Anna noticed Gerard on their walk and the switch occurred. This all sounds a little covert doesn't it.

At 4:30 pm I was done I wanted my baby home and called to tell him so. It took some time to wrangle her away from the rooster that she had found at the park where they were playing no not a concrete one but a live rooster. Off to home they drove. Now I needed someone there taking my picture as I was waiting by the window for her to come home. I walked out as they pulled up and a tired little Anna just reached up for me and said baba.

As I was feeding her and holding her Gerard gave me the run down on the day. She was exhausted but even funnier was she was a hot mess. There was something sticky in her hair and when I kissed her forehead I could tell that at some point she had been a little sweaty. I guessed it was from chasing the rooster but nope I was wrong.

Are you ready? Gerard took her to the junk yard! Oh she had fun and I stayed with her the whole time I was told. They were running a muck looking for roof racks for my car and a grill for his. I was assured that she had quite a bit of fun. I can just picture it in my head.

During my wait I had been told I was going to get a boy. We talked about all the things that he would do with a boy then surprise...It's a girl! I will say it took Gerard a bit of time to get adjusted to the idea but know it feels so natural to have a girl and I would not change a thing. I laugh because Gerard tells me Anna is like having both, she will play with a worm then rock her baby to sleep.

Yes she got a nice long bath face, hands, feet and hair all washed.

Why Blog? Also a Great Big Give Away

So why blog? Anna is home. Life is good on all a counts. Why did I start blogging? Both are good questions that I think I can answer. In the beginning I started this blog so that I could talk my fool head off about my pending adoption with strangers. Sounds crazy right. Not really though and here is the reason why. I still wanted friends after my adoption was completed. Let's be honest I have a one track mind and can be annoying.

I can wear a person out after all. I did not want my friends to say "Don't get her started about the adoption...PLEASE!" Now you all know to some degree I am just joking but to a bigger degree I am not. When you are just starting the process there is a lot of unknown stuff that can be quite scary. At times I remember thinking this may not happen. I also believe in the power of positive thinking. I think it is easier to stay positive when you have so many people praying for you and staying positive. I have never really felt it to be helpful when I am bombarded with negative questions.

Here is what I did not expect! New friends that I gained through blogging. I remember the first blog I read. Iliya was home only a couple of days. Looking at his pictures and hearing Melissa and Nathan's story was a turning point for Gerard and I. At first Gerard was pretty set against adopting and living a life without children. Shocking to say that now knowing the way he is with her and how being away from her for any period of time is difficult for him. Yes I get about 40 calls a day just to see what we are doing.

Iliya is now 4 years old and the time has come for Melissa and Nathan to adopt again. Adoption however is not for the faint of heart and is quite expensive. Look for the positive in everything I do often say. So here is a solution A Great Big Give away! Everyone is a winner in my opinion with this option. First of all I am a sucker for raffles...LOVE them in fact. Helping to raise funds could bring them one step closer to bring home their child. To be honest I just love to see her photographs and dream about having her do family portraits for us so just reading along is a positive thing for me.

So this is what I am thinking. Melissa is going to have at least one more raffle. I want to donate to the cause. You all know how I feel about handmade things and that every child should have at least one thing that is handmade. Put that together with the obvious baby theme all this equals baby bonnets. Yup Melissa has agree to let me give her some bonnets for her raffle. What is a bonnet without bloomers so that is what I am going to make.

Today is a Sloan-Kettering day so I think if the wait is long I may run over to the fashion district to look for a special lace or other trim for the set. No two bonnets come out the same but here is a picture of ones I have done in the past. I really like the pale pink lining so I think that will be a must.

Also drop by and put in 5 dollars you could win an Apple iPad or my dream photography session. The anticipation is killing me.

Some times this is what you miss

I think it is neat that Anna gets excited. At times she is impatient and that is neat too. In the mornings she has been sleeping in longer then me which is nice because I am able to have a couple of minutes to myself.

When Anna first came home she would wake up slip out of bed a little dazed and confused. That turned into the minute her eyes were open the feet had to touch the ground and roaming around the house was the business at hand. After about a 2 months of that I started to sit where she could see me when she turned the corner and would call her name. At that point she was sleeping with at least 2 stuffed animals she would be clutching both of them or a pillow or her blanket. We would sit on the couch for a couple of minutes. I really enjoyed this time with Anna.

Times have changed again. Even though I do miss seeing her walk around the corner with her animals I think I am really enjoying this change too. Now she calls my name from the bed. The morning here are pretty quiet so I do usually hear her the first time she calls me. Now we snuggle in the bed while I give her a morning bottle. One she is done with that the next thing out of her mouth every morning is "DaDa?"

I think it is neat that she looks for him too. Gerard is never here in the morning except for once a week when I work but he does call every morning to see if she is up. I tell him that she was asking for him but I know seeing the excitement is way better.

I do believe in the old saying of a picture is worth a thousand words. So I had an idea to take her picture while she was waiting for him yesterday to come home. I told him to call when he got close which just made it more exciting for her because she could hear his voice.

Some times these are the things that you miss.