Home 4 weeks ***Edited to add a picture***

Oh the girl LOVES glasses!

I can hardly believe that we have been home 4 weeks today. It was not until I looked at my blog that I realized that today is Wednesday. I have always had a hard time with what day of the week it is and usually end up asking some one at least once or twice.

The last 2 days I spent with my sister and her little man Sloan who is just 4 months younger then Anna and a whole lot bigger. It is too funny to see them play together. Seeing Anna with other kids has been wonderful. Today was my Mother's birthday and we all hung out. More on that another time.

I fear that most of what I have written about recently has seemed quite negative. I would say that processing all the thoughts and feelings that I have right now has been difficult. Actually more difficult then I ever thought it would be. With that being said I hope that I am going to start to coast a bit now. Anna fell asleep early tonight okay so I cheated and kept her out late then drove an extra lap around the block but does that matter?

Here are some things that I have noticed that Anna does now and did not do when we first came home.

1. Fake cry. Yup she has mastered the art of a fake cry to get my attention. It started about a week ago one night when we were in her room playing. Then my niece Jaime came over with her son Hans and the next day we played faked cry most of the day.


2. When she wants to point at some thing she grabs my pointer finger and uses it as a pointer.


3. The door bell scared her. Sounds funny but she was like 'What is that noise?' Now she enjoys playing with the door bell and /or any other button or switch.


4. She says 'Tickle, Tickle, Tickle' This is the funniest because when she first came to me that is how I got her to smile. Then it progressed to her tickling herself, then me and now her baby dolls.


5. She shows love to her babies. She will walk up to me and pretend cries like it is them crying then she looks for me to comfort them. So I do then I pick her up and do the same thing to her.


6. Today is the first day that she has fallen asleep laying next to me at nap time the whole time she looked me square in the eye.


7. She LOVES apple cider vinegar. I know I read something about this an attachment but for the life of me I can not remember what it meant so if you know please throw me a bone and tell me.

Tonight she ate cake for the first time with my Mother. I am letting her practice eating cake after all her birthday is next week.

The sun is out and I am... (Edited to add info on the tea set)

You thought I was going to say 'Going to the beach.' No not today. Anna REALLY enjoys the water in a fearless way. Because of that I have promised Gerard that I will not take her to the beach until he can come with us. In September I am pretty sure there are only life guards on the weekends. Even though I can swim and I am pretty experienced with the rip currents here in New Jersey they are very dangerous and many have drown on these shores. I am confident that I could save myself but a fighting 2 year old not so confident.

What I was going to say is The sun is out and I am quite happy it is. Last week was a rough week. There were many emotions circling around the house, lots of second guessing, a few tears and a stern talk or two. Has any of it sunk in, the answer to that is only time will tell. My plan has not changed however, only Gerard and I will be the ones to hold, feed, diaper and give love to Anna for now. One change that will be happening probably later this week is my Mother will be stopping by more. Why you ask? She is the one who will stay with Anna when I work. Even though I am going back to work only 2 nights per week at first Gerard will only be home with her one of those nights.

In many cases working nights is a benefit in my opinion. I love the people who I work with because we laugh most of the night away but I will miss putting her to bed which I think is so important. Okay I think every minute with her is so important but whose keeping track.

How is she doing going to sleep you ask? Better for the most part. Once asleep she will sleep 10-11 hours straight even when I put a bottle in her mouth. Yes I started feeding her at night when she does not eat during the day. Amazing how when she is asleep she will drink close to 5 oz of Kefier 2 times through the night. I sit her up on a pillow and put the slow feed nipple on the bottle and away she goes. Wait a second I was talking about sleep here.

I took a piece from just about everyone's suggestions when we were having trouble. It still takes her about 1 1/2 to finally fall asleep but that is better then 4 hours of crying.

One thing that I did add is the books that I read to her at night are up on a shelf that she can not reach. When I pick her up to get one she seals with delight. Hands down her favorite book is 'Guess how much I love you.' This book was given to her as a gift from our friends Melissa and Colby. As I turn the pages she recreates each action of the 2 bunnies. It is too funny. When Gerard saw her do this for the first time he started laughing and said 'Look Bozz, look what she is doing' (He does not get to put her to bed but 2 nights per week.) Melissa, I can not thank you enough for this book.

I will say that I have been re-thinking going back to work. If she does not even out a little bit more with going to sleep there may be some changes that have to be made. What those changes are right now I really do not know, full-time to part-time or per diem, day shift to night shift. Having only ever worked 3 days a week I am not really sure how others work 5 days a week but the thought of only working 8 hours seems a little better then working 12 today.



***The tea set is by Fisher Price, I can not recommend it enough I beleve it was purchased at T@rget***

Tea anyone?

We have not let Anna open all the gifts or play with all the toys that have been given to her. I remember when I was shopping and putting things on my registery I saw this tea part set. I wanted to put it on the list but for some reason missed it. Robin my niece's aunt sent this over to her with a little baby doll.

She looked so excited to see it that I could not resist letting her open it and play with it. If you need to buy a little girl a gift this is the one to get. The pot makes the sound of pouring water and other musical sounds. Another thing that I love about this line of toys is that this toy reinforces manners like 'excuse me' 'thank you' 'your welcome'.

I could not help but to snap a few pictures. She is way tired in these photos they were taken right before her nap.

Shoes

When I waited for Anna to come home I dreamed of the orphanage director allowing me to keep a pair of her shoes. I know shoes are a big thing in an orphanage. When I first saw her little face and then looked down at her feet and did not see the shoes that I brought for her and instead a pair of beat up shoes. I wanted to cry. I also held my breath in the hopes that the care taker would not ask for them off her feet. I am pretty sure that I held my breath for many reasons until I was back in the car with her on my lap.

One of the first things that I did was purchase her some new shoes. Her new shoes are cream and pink with some beading in a very similar style as her old ones. Now please understand that as you read this my time at that point with Anna had been very limited. I was excited beyond belief and she was a dream that was standing in front of me. I took off her old shoes but kept them out for her to play with while we were in Russia. During our time in Moscow she never put them back on or acted like she wanted them.

When we got home I took her outfit, after it was washed and placed it in a bag to go into a box with other stuff that I am keeping that is adoption related. Tonight we were in my room, she was playing and I was playing with her as well as getting things ready for the next day. The bag of her stuff from the orphanage (which by the way I am and have always had a hard time saying or thinking of this word, orphanage but I am starting to practice). I saw the shoes. Anna and I have been doing well for the most part but there is a connection that is missing when it comes to me, not so with Gerard but only me.

I thought to myself show her the shoes maybe they will comfort her in some way that I can not. For me it was painful to see the excitement on her face when she saw them. She dropped to the floor and the feet came up and she looked at me with the look of please will you help me put on my shoes. With a smile on my face I put them on her tiny feet she is pretty much wearing a size 3 to 4 shoe so they sure are tiny.

Then it was off to work, first order of business was to dance on the bathroom floor which quite honestly I do dance along with her every time. Yes, she dances a lot. She played for another 2 hours in the shoes, never once trying to take them off. While every pair of her new shoes are off before they are on. When I told Gerard at first he said GREAT maybe she can just wear them for awhile. Yup, I looked at him like he had 2 heads then it occurred to me that he probably never looked at them before because they were packed away when I came home with her. Sure they were on my dresser but lets get honest he is only ever looking for a misplaced cookie nothing else.

Gerard will probably be mad if he knew that I was posting about these little shoes. Shock, then sadness, is the only words that come to mind as a way to describe his reaction to what they looked like and her reaction to them. We both agree that she will be allowed to wear and play with these shoes until she no longer shows any interest in them. Will I keep a steady eye on them? Yup. Will they be out for our family to examine? Nope. I think this is something that is hers, not mine, not Gerard's and it is her story not ours, these are her things to show them. When and if she wants to pull them out to show everyone she will and can.

I know these shoes are a comfort thing for her. She is grieving whether others want to recognize it or not she is. Do I think she would like to go back to Russia and not have a mommy and daddy? No. But is she sad for what she has left behind even if she can not speak the words to express her feeling, absolutely.

On my list of things to do, print up more pictures of her here with us and start her lifebook. The reason why I am talking about this is I made a mistake by taking them away from her. I did not do it as a way to punish her but more as a way to protect them so that she would have them for when she is older. I wish I had thought to give them to her sooner. I just wanted to talk about this in case someone else is faced with something like this.

Daddy can I lean on you?

Yesterday Anna and Gerard were playing she pulls him around by the finger and takes him all sorts of places. Yesterday she pulled him down next to her and just started to lean on him.

His reaction was so cute
Gerard: "Look Bozz (that is me) she just wants to lean on me. It is okay Anna you can lean on me."
Me: "Oh that is too cute"

While in my mind I KNOW she is pooping! A few minutes later I hear.

Gerard: "Bozz, she is growing a tail!!"

Anna's reaction a smirk then a kiss on his hand.

Yes, Anna you can lean on your Daddy.

The Cardiologist said....

She can go right back to work! All is fine with the structures of her heart! Perfect in fact! The blood flow and pressures in both the pulmonary artery and aorta are perfect. The verdict is she was holding her breath which leads me to believe that she was stressed out. She is a bit of a stinker so I think I might have to learn to be more then 1 step ahead of her. Now I know her trick.



This was one of Gerard's toys from when he was her age. He told me that he never thought to sit on it but she did it unprompted.


I have to say that I did not really know how upset I was last night when I wrote that post. I was and still am, over the holding of her breath trick, dusky episode, and the need to feel everything is okay. I think that what most people who have never adopted a toddler do not realize is when you give birth to a could you kind of get a chance to build up to the 2 year old behavior and issues. The other thing is you know all your child's history. Every doctor visit, every cold, every cry I do not. For me Anna is about 3 weeks old. Think back to when you brought your 3 week old infant home were you sure about every move you made like when he or she was 2 years old? I venture to guess probably not.

I know I am tired I feel it but I could not sleep the past few nights for some obvious and some not so obvious reasons. I have a couple of posts in mind that I want to write or have started to write but they are not quite done yet.

***Please I want to make sure that you all know that I have not taken offence to any comments left here on the blog. I hope that you all know that.

The number is 17

17 used to be my absolute favorite number. I am not giving it up but I was a little upset with the number 17 Tuesday. That is the number of tubes of blood Anna had to give to ensure that she is healthy. 2 sticks and about a million tears later she was done. I know the feeling of sweat when you see the list of blood work like what she needed to have done and the prayers that you say when you know you have to draw it.

What is new to me is the sweat and the prayers that you feel and say when you are the one holding down your little girl to give those 17 tubes of blood. Believe me without being dramatic she cried, and cried and cried some more over this experience. When the actual blood draw was completed it took over an hour to calm her down. When she finally fell asleep I could feel my tears starting to fall.

Today we will go the the Pediatric Cardiologist. I am dreading the thought that she may cry again like she did on Tuesday. I hope that all the testing that she may need will be completed tomorrow.

Some of you may be thinking wow this is the first time she has mentioned going to the cardiologist. To that I say you are paying attention and probably do not have a mush brain like me. Over the weekend some concerns have popped up. Have I opened my box of concern yet well no, but I have gotten out the key to unlock it if need be.

I have pondered as to whether or not I should write about my concerns and I have made the decision to go ahead and do so. In order to give the full details I have to back track a bit. Whether it is relevant or not I am not sure as of yet.

Since I have been home with Anna we have not eaten out. Okay, I do not consider the drive-thru REALLY eating out more like eating on the run. So Monday morning when I got the offer to go to breakfast with Gerard's family I thought okay I can do this it will be fine. To some degree yes it was fine. She sat in the high chair much longer then I expected and ate 3/4 of a banana. Gerard met us and all was great until it was time to leave. It took about 10 minutes to get her into the car seat and Gerard in the back for a ride to settle her down. When we got home it was nap time which up to this point has only taken a quick 5-10 minute walk which turned out to be more like a 45 minute walk.

When she got up all she would eat was a cereal bar, no juice, milk, kefier nothing. I am making 4-5 different things and all are being refused, just refused. I will not battle her on this and I think that is the right way to go I am just watching it. Do I think it is a control issue for her, yes I do. So I am giving her a little more control over this in the way of leaving a different snack available to her in different rooms (her bedroom, kitchen, living room. Sometimes she eats a little bit from these areas and sometimes she does not. Dinner she had 2 slices of cheese and 4 ounces of kefier oh and a bite size piece of pear. Yup, that was pretty much it for the day.

I am trying to look at the consumption for the week as opposed to each meal or each day. The day before she ate better so I was not terribly upset and figured it was because of the eating out with a small group of people. Gerard thinks we have too many toys out and I disagree. Honestly it is not that many toys that we have out in the house and separate toys for when I have taken her out (that do not fill up a zip lock bag).

There you go now you have the background. So Monday night I was changing her diaper and getting her ready for the bedtime ritual and that is when I noticed that she was turning blue. No not a misprint she turned blue around her mouth and chin area and yes quite dark. I have seen this before but never in Anna. Was she holding her breath? Well maybe or maybe not. Then as she was sitting in her bed reading a book to herself I could see it return ever so slightly. Out came the stethoscope and I started to listen for a murmur or irregular heart rate. I am being honest when I say no I'm not that objective right now.

So to make a long story short (stop saying yeah right) she was seen by her Pediatrician on Tuesday. We all agree that because of this episode she should be seen by a cardiologist. What I am hoping will happen is an echocardiogram and an EKG all with perfect results. I just want to be sure that something has not been missed. If she is holding her breath this is new and my thoughts are it was do to over stimulation from the day. If it is not her just holding her breath to give her Mother a few more grey hairs then it will be dealt with too. I should have some answers tomorrow after I see the cardiologist.

I am upset with myself because I should have kept everyone away for the last 3 weeks. It stresses me out when I have visitors right now let alone her, even though I know that everyone's intentions are good I really feel like I need my space. No not space from Anna or Gerard but space from everyone else. They see her eat a cereal bar or a 3/4 of a banana and act like I am just plain crazy when I say I am worried. My new standard answer will be what everyone wants to hear, "She is eating fine, no problems." or "She is extremely attached, no issues here." or Here is another good one that I have heard "You are spoiling her if you pick her up every time she wants you too." "She is so happy she has adjusted so well, glad that is in the past."

This may sound a bit crazy but please pray that I am neurotic, I would so much rather it be me then her. Off to watch her sleep.