A sneak peek to get you through

This is from one of her referral pictures. It was by far my favorite picture. I just loved the way her little face looked in it all round and chubby. I would remark to Gerard you is looking for her chandelier.

I have booked my flights!

Go ahead ask me how I was able to book 2 seats for less then 1400.00 dollars in the summer time! I know I may be a bit crazy but no I am not taking a direct flight with good reason. At least I hope I will feel that way when I am exhausted beyond belief with an almost 2 year old crying at my feet. I booked a flight that is similar to the one that I just completed.

Instead of flying out of New York Laguardia (LGA) to Chicago I will be flying out of Newark, New Jersey. The drive to LGA is a crazy busy drive and quite unpredictable as far as traffic goes from South Jersey. The drive to Newark is better. Newark is only 1.5 hours from my home LGA is a little over 2 hours but there is no real direct route. I think sometimes this is both a curse and gift that I live near so many different airports. Literately within 2 hours of my home there are 4 major airports and 1 smaller one that is my favorite. Lots of options can make choosing the right option difficult.

I hate to say it but money is the single reason why I did not book the direct flight. The tickets for the direct flights were close to 2000.00 per person for a grand total of just over 4000.00 dollars. But I saved close to 2700.00 dollars this way and that is nothing to sneeze at.

Here is how I did it. I booked with American same as the last flight. I purchased additional miles for 540.00 dollars which brought my total number of miles to just over 30,000 miles. This is what I needed for a one way ticket for her home. First I checked with the airline that they had a ticket available. I purchased my ticket for 850.00 dollars then called the airline to make her reservation. So it is official we have 2 seats for the trip home.

I leave here on August 15 to arrive in Moscow on August 16. Then we both depart Moscow on August 19! I will be reunited with Anna on August 17 in the early morning. Oh I just can not wait.

Recap of my third visit

On the third visit I was taken to the baby home without a translator. Quite honestly I was okay with this because I had known ahead of time. I had insisted on an extra visit and I understood that I would not be accompanied by any one other then the driver.

On the drive there I had decided that I was going to take a few pictures but mostly just enjoy her. I feel like in the 2 visits prior I was just being totally watched by everyone. I have never been alone with her. Not for one minute. As someone who watches new mothers I understand both the fear and concern that these care takers might have because to them I am a stranger too. So this time I was taken to her pod and she was woken from her nap to see me. I was thinking great just what I tell people not to do I am doing. Waking a sleeping baby for my own pleasure or enjoyment.

I was in a different room then I had previously visited her in. She was brought to me and did not want to come to me at first. My heart broke a bit to know that even though I love her and have prepared for her for the last 2 years she could care less and preferred the company and safety of the arms of her care giver. I keep telling myself that this could be a good sign. I know it is way to early to think she is not going to attach to me or that she and I will even have problems attaching. It is however not to early to understand how a child attaches to a Mother.

She has not been preparing for me, she has not been hoping that I would come and take her home. One day I hope that she will be glad that I did but for today, right now she did not want any part of that she wants the comfort and safety of what she knows as home. This time when she was brought into the room she did look at me. It is almost sad to think of how happy this made me feel just to have her look at me.

I reached into my bag to get out a book, it worked yesterday why not today. So I held the book and her desire to hold and touch the book won out. She came to me. I tickled her a little bit and let her get comfortable sitting on my lap. This day she wore a white shirt and a pink cotton jumper, socks and the same sandals as yesterday. I do love those little baby feet.

After about 10 minutes with the book I switched it out with the book of pictures that I was going to use for court. We were sent outside to 'play.' Mostly she just wanted to flip through the book. She sat on my lap facing away from me for a couple of minutes until I could feel her relax a bit. Then I turned her around to face me. We both flipped through the book of pictures. I would stop her at a different picture and tell her what was in the picture.


I could tell that she was starting to enjoy being on my lap. I know for those who have never adopted this may sound quite strange but just her wanting to sit on my lap overwhelmed me with happiness. After about the 400th time through the book I stopped her at the picture of my car and her car seat. I told her machina or car in Russian which she responded with a noise that was definitely car like. Then she smiled. She gets it. I know all Mother's think their children are smart but I just can not get over how she stopped and listened to me explain what the picture was and her response was correct.

She seemed to slow down some. We played with bubbles and the picture book that was it. She did take me inside at one point to show the care givers the book. At first they said they did not want to see it but then they seemed excited to see what it was. I am pretty sure that their initial reaction to not wanting to see the pictures was a communication problem. One of the care givers was very young. I would guess she was in her early 20's. I could see in her eyes how she looked at each picture very carefully. I was happy to see that she liked my home but I was also a touch sad because although my home is small and comfortable you could see that she wanted a home like this one for herself. She kept saying Anna was very lucky.

Then I took out shoes again. Anna was again so excited at just the sight of the shoes that it made me laugh inside. She wanted to try them all on. How sweet. What girl does not like a new pair o shoes?

We ventured outside again. This time for a walk. She took my finger and walked me back and forth in the ounce of shade that we could find. I got the feeling that she was starting to relax and want me there. I find it very interesting that the desires of an almost 2 year old can have such a big impact on an adult. My heart melts at the thought of her.

***Saving for Lily***

I am not sure if many of you know about my ties to Adrienne, Jim and Owen. I was one of the people who had contacted her about a potential domestic adoption that I chose to pass on because my heart was pulling me towards international adoption. In many ways I feel like I brought pain into their lives when all they ever wanted was to be parents to a little baby girl. I know sometimes you read stuff and think no way could those people REALLY be like that. Well I am here to tell you it is all true and then some.

I was with them during one of the most difficult times in their lives when they were told that they would not be adopting the little girl who I encouraged them to adopt. I remember sitting with them in amazement as to how loving they were together as a family. I remember feeling so mad that the adoption was not going to take place. I also remember thinking why is she not mad? How can they both STILL be so loving towards the birth mother and pray that the child would be loved if not by them then by the birth family.

The answer is simple. They are good people who believe in God's plan for them. They try to live their lives in a way that really focuses on what is good about everything. Now I am not saying that Adrienne and Jim did not feel sad that they were not going to take that baby home because they were sad I watched it first hand. It was heart breaking. Even writing this makes me tear up because through their sadness they told me that it was not my fault. They did not want me to be upset, can you believe it. There are people out there who are good and forgiving and Jim and Adrienne are living proof.

I know many of you who follow my blog also follow their blog well now they have another blog in in preparation for their daughter, Lily. I encourage you to go over there and read their story. If you are blessed to have an extra 5 dollars sign up for a chance to win one of many prizes. Every dollar that they raise will bring them closer to bringing Lily home.

I have been considering donating a quilt to Adrienne's cause. I am not sure that anyone would even be interested and I have not even told her yet. Please tell me what you think. Would you donate 5 dollars to her cause if I donated this quilt for her to raffle off in one of her give aways? It is a twin size quilt with a white background. The pattern is called the Ohio star. It is the one hanging up in this picture, not the blue and white one but the other one.





I have just gotten it back from the person who does my machine quilting and I just have a few finishing touches to put on it. The colored fabric is what they call thirties style fabric. The quilt has a cottage feel to it but could go in a lot of different style homes.

Sneak Peak from the 2nd visit

Here is a little preview of Anna. I know some of you may know that I can not post a picture of her face yet until she is in my custody. But when I was reviewing the pictures of her from this trip I could not help but giggle when I saw this one. Please do not take it out of context or worry. She was so intrigued by the mirror in this book that she kept looking at it from far away then she would bring it in very close to her face.

I think she will learn many things very fast.

Recap of my first visit

Last night I slept very well except that Dottie woke me up because she was sick twice but I was able to go right back to sleep. We went out to dinner last night with my sister, Mom, the boys and Gerard's parents. About 3/4 of the way trough dinner I realized I was really tired. On the 5 minute drive to home I fell asleep. Tonight I go back to work.

I have to say I am so glad that I got to see her twice. I did have to pay for the driver for the 2nd day but it was money well spent. Not to mention I do still have a funny story about the drive.

I wanted to recap what went on during the first visit. Much of this I did expect but even in knowing that I found that it was still hurtful to know that she had changed and in my opinion not for the best.

During the first visit after 5 months of being away from her she was brought in and placed on my lap. She was wearing a white cotton dress with purple embroidery on it, pink cotton tights and dark pink sandals with pink hearts. She did not want to be on my lap but was told to stay there in Russian. I gave her a book with mirrors on each page. She started to flip through the book fast and furiously looking. Not so much looking at the book but more just wanting to do the action of flipping the pages. When she realized that there were mirrors on the pages that slowed her down some.

This visit lasted about 4 hours, which again I am glad that it did because I think it was helpful for the next day. She did not look at me much which is what the difference is from 5 months ago. When I first met her she made terrific eye contact. Making eye contact did not seem to make her uncomfortable. She would look me directly in the eyes. This visit if she looked me directly in the eyes for a total of 5 minutes that was a lot. I know that this will be a work in progress so I am optimistic that she will progress nicely.

I know that some of my family is reading this blog and quite honestly Gerard did not want me to post anything about this on the blog. In his mind he wants to protect her from anyone who might think that she is different or perhaps there is something wrong with her. What is wrong is she did not and has not EVER had a Mother or a Father. She has had people who have provided for her basic needs of food and shelter but not the emotional stuff that comes along with having parents who love you unconditionally.

I do see his point that we need to keep somethings private and I have with regards to her history. I have spoken to a hand full of blogger friends about her history and I will ask that you never mention anything on this blog about her birth family or history so that we can continue to keep this information private for her.

Now I need to get our families to understand the madness that comes along with attachment and bonding. I have always thought that this was going to be the hardest part of the journey and I still do. I think the transition into parenthood is usually tricky and I do see this a lot at work so I should take some of my own advice. The parents are in charge no one else.

I feel like the ones that needed to be prepare the most quite honestly do not seem to get it. I know that most of what I am saying to them is being heard as me wanting to 'Just be bossy or do it my way only.' I am a pretty open person as many of you can tell I really do not hold back much on this blog or in person for that matter. I have openly spoken about every adoption blog that I read to my family in the effort to try to spark some interest in either reading my blog or investigating others who have journeyed before me. Alas I know that over the past 2 years very few of my family members have read it consistently, actually I only know of one Jaime Lynn.

From the time I met Anna until forever she will be first or to put it another way 'You first after Anna!' Anna has never been first in any one's life. She WILL be first now.

During this visit I have found out that she is quite the girly girl in terms of shoes. I had brought some shoes of different sizes to try on her. I thought she might be a 6 or a 6.5. She is actually a 4 toddler so her feet are tiny. When she saw the shoes she did get excited. pulling them out and trying to get off her sandals so that she could try them all on. I got to tickle her feet and she liked that very much. She was very willing to let me try the new shoes on her and she tested them out. I did get quite a few smiles out of her with the shoes.

This was the best part of the visit. I sat there watching her and at one brief point I was thinking I had missed so much just briefly I felt a bit sad and a couple of tears form as she turned away from me to walk away with her book to sit alone. Then almost as quickly as that feeling came she dropped to her hands and knees and crawled the rest of the way to the chair that she wanted to sit in. She even scuffed the toes of the shoes that she was wearing. I know it may sound crazy but to watch her crawl like a baby made me feel better. Almost like I had not missed everything.

I'm Home

I just wanted to let everyone know that I have just gotten home and I am tucking myself into bed. I am very happy to be home in one respect but I can not wait to return to Russia more.

In the next couple of days I will bore you all with retrospective posts about my meetings with her and my day in court. Now it is time to sleep.