Making our House a Home

Birthdays, Birthdays, and more Birthdays!

2012-01-23T18:19:00.001-08:00

This past weekend Anna had two birthday parties. Much to my dismay I have become that Mother who does not respond to the invitation in a timely manner. How did that happen? I used to be the first person to call or RSVP for a party...any party for that matter. Now I am the one that others have to call to see if we are coming.

I think part of the difference now is I look at the clock and imagine the other parents, eating dinner, bathing the kids, and starting the bedtime routine. Since most days I sleep in, it leaves only a small window for me to respond. I know this sounds like an excuse and quite frankly I think it is a big fat excuse. I am making it my mission to respond early to the next invitation that comes my way.

This time of the year is hard for me because I know my own birthday is approaching and along with that sadness. I promised myself last year was the last time I was going to be sad for my birthday. Honestly I am doing pretty good this year. I have had a few quiet moments mostly because I see myself is a parallel situation with some very close people whose Father is ill. He is a very young man who has cancer. I have not asked if it is okay to blog about it with more details but I will. I will say I love him as a brother so for me it is even more difficult. I can feel the tears coming on as I write this but that is not what this post is about tonight.

Back to the fun of a weekend filled with birthday parties. On Saturday Anna had a party at Bounce U for a class mate. I had a ton of homework and a paper due so Gerard took Anna. I can hardly believe that I am already 4 weeks into this class, 12 more to go. Gerard has never been to Bounce U or met Anthony (Anna's self proclaimed husband). Anthony's Father was also at the party so he and Gerard hung out so to speak. Gerard is very quiet, so I am sure there was a ton of head nodding and not much talking. Gerard did not come home with nearly the amount of information about Anthony or his family that I would have...sigh! Yes, I am a 50 questions girl, I know it is bad.

Gerard was a bit shocked by the party. I think even though I tried to explain how big the slides were he just did not believe me. Okay he never believes me even when he knows I am right he will tell me I am wrong and laugh. So throughout the party I got pictures of Anna and Anthony sent to me and even a small video of the two holding hands going down a slide. After the party they went to Papa and Grammy's house for a visit while I finished reading and writing which by the way I should be doing now but this is more fun.

I had hoped to finish the paper and have it submitted on Saturday night but I just could not finish it. I worked Saturday night at my second job which is a home care case so I took my computer with me and worked during my down time. Sitting in silence in someone else's house while everyone sleeps is PAINFUL for me. I love the case but I am not sure I will ever feel comfortable working in that environment. I will say it does give me much needed study time.

When I got home and into bed I was able to convince Anna it was the middle of the night and that she needed to sleep. This bought me a 1 hour and 15 minute power nap. Once Gerard was home from the gym I got another 1 1/2 hours of sleep. Just enough to be able to take Anna to the second party of the weekend. This was a last minute party of a friend from work and I really wanted to be the one taking her. Another co-worker with a little girl Anna's age was going so I knew we would have fun.

This party was at a pool. When I told Anna I thought she was going to burst with excitement. On the drive to the party I realized I am a bit of a mess. When did I stop carrying a purse? I now only carry school bags stuffed with books. Only 11 more semesters to go which equals 4 more years, honestly who thought going back to school was a good idea? Oh I forgot me.

It is no secret that I sweat when ever I take Anna in public. If she acts up, it is over for me. I feel my own anxiety level climbing. If Anna had a meltdown I am sure I would just be a puddle of sweat. For some reason Anna just does not act up for anyone but me. I know it is because she feels safe but still it makes me a wreck. Before we left the house I sat Anna down and we had a long talk about behavior. Okay it was maybe 2 minutes but that is long for a 4 year old.

I told her she had to listen or we were leaving the pool. Water is scary stuff and not listening near a pool or the ocean is not an option. Would I have plucked her out of the pool and taken her home wet...yup because that is how strongly I feel about good behavior near water. I have to say I was shocked by Anna's behavior she is really getting it lately.

The life guard told them to line up and she did while telling others about having good behavior near the water. They marched straight past the pool into the dressing area, I put her life vest on and told her she could sit at the edge of the pool with the other kids. Her vest as a handle on the back and even with little sleep I knew I could pluck all 28 lbs of her out of the water. The life guard made each child swim across the pool to see their ability then the party started. During Anna's swim test she looked back and said "Momma, I am Nemo!" We had a wonderful time.

I was shocked by how well Anna listened. I praised her for her good behavior as I always do but I love that it is all clicking. I need to expect more from her on the behavior front.

On a side note
Julie W. I am so glad to hear from you. You are still in my prayers.
Janet, I still have a few things to tie up about the other blog but believe me I will share it when I can. I am struggling with the thought of sending out invitations to the blog before the big reveal or just making it public all at once. I promise when I can open it up I will.

God's timing not mine.

2012-01-21T03:53:00.000-08:00

Over the years I have struggled, with God's timing. Seriously, I want it all, the house, the baby, the career, and the man. Usually, this is an internal dialogue that I have with myself. I almost never speak these words because I think it sounds selfish.

A hundred years ago when Gerard and I were planning a wedding there seemed to be every road block in our way. Not just the usual road blocks of planning a wedding but big huge boulders. At times I struggle with the thought of not being married. I wanted things a certain way, quite frankly a way that is just not possible.

Before our decision to adopt was made my mind was on a constant internal dialogue of having a child. Nope not one minute passed without thinking about having a baby. I wonder how many others have this same internal conversation with themselves?

I have learned that I live on God's timing. Sure most of the time I pray that our timing (God's and mine) are the same. I have still not learned that lesson so I will face it many more times in my life. I am however getting better. Here is how I know I am making progress.

When I came home from Russia MY plan was that my Mother would be watching Anna. In my family we are really funny about who watches our children. I know it may sound weird but I guess when your family is so close they are the ones that your trust with your baby.

When Anna first came home we struggled. There were many struggles but I remember thinking how am I going to be able to go to work in 6 weeks and leave her with Mother? This was before we knew my Mother had cancer. Anna had no routine, and there was very little sleep in our house. Anna would be up crying for hours, not a soft little cry but full on screaming for hours from about 8 pm to 1 am. I remember Gerard's Mother stopping by with a friend to meet Anna she heard Anna screaming and I know she was shocked.

We kept much of this information private because we did not want Anna to be judged harshly. Many of our family members did not understand and still do not understand just how difficult the transition was for Anna, Gerard and I. La-La stepped in and became our babysitter. Which was perfect for us and for Anna. I knew La-La had the energy my Mother did not have to watch Anna. It came to a point where Anna would fall asleep for her without any issues and only scream for me.

The first time Anna fell asleep for me after screaming for only 45 minutes made me cry with tears of joy. I know this sounds weird. Today we have a little different routine that I credit Gerard with completely. Once he was laid-off I started to pick up more work, La-La was an expense that we could no longer afford. I would get her ready in her PJs before I left about 6pm, he feeds her a snack or plays with her until about 7pm then it becomes quiet time in our house. Now a days all Gerard has to say is "Its quiet time" and the toys get picked up and the light get lowered. I wished he would read books to her but that is not something Gerard likes to do. He will how ever let her read books to him during quiet time and believe me she does.

Then they turn on a good night program from Sprout. After about 45 minutes she requests to go to bed. The funny cute thing is she makes him carry her every night even if she is awake. I love seeing this kind of bonding an attachment. The two usually snuggle on the sofa watching the show with a blanket. If I am home she will only snuggle with me which makes me happy. We are approaching the three year make and finally I feel like the routine is good.

My friend said to me the other day "I have never once heard you complain that Gerard was laid-off. Why?" This made me laugh a bit then I realized I had not complained. When Gerard was laid-off we were still in the very new phase of repairing and rebuilding our relationship. I struggled the first couple of days with the lay-off mostly because I felt it had been done unfairly but I quickly got over that when I saw the good that was coming from him being home with us. Little things like the bedtime routine.

So for the past 9 almost 10 months Gerard has been unemployed. He has completed many projects on our homes that needed his attention. He has spent every night with Anna. He has caught up on sleep he desparatelyneeded. I know the reason why now he was laid-off now. It was to make the attachment and bonding with Anna even stronger. Not only do I still love him but I also like him again.

Over the past 9 almost 10 months I prayed for not a job but for the right job for him. Okay I was a little selfish and prayed for him to be off for Christmas since I was not. I prayed that our finances would hold out. Not only did they hold out but we managed to pay off quite a bit of debt. About 2 weeks ago he was called to an interview, there is a funny story attached to that interview but this post is already way too long. Within 24 hours he was hired for the job.

The location of the job is perfect. If he had to start working up north again that would not have been ideal mostly because of the tolls and cost of commuting. My thirty minute commute costs me close to 50 dollars a week. If he were working up north the cost would be closer to 125 dollars a week for him to just get to work and home...yikes that is a lot of money.

Back were my concerns about Anna and child care. Because we do not know what shift Gerard will be working or his days off, it is really hard to set up anything. So we were in a bit of a wait and see dilemma. About a week ago my Mother came to my house on her way home from work. She was a little sad to say she was laid-off. Now we had not told anyone about Gerard's new employment mostly because we prefer to have the answers to the questions our family asks it just seems easier. I told my Mother I was happy because now she can help us out with Anna.

I guess the point is when Anna came home and I questioned God's timing for my Mother's cancer, and Gerard being laid-off I did not know what God's plan was for me. Yes, his plan was much better than mine. I think that goes without saying. So now I am praying for the right shift for Gerard. The one that will benefit our family the best. He and I talked about how him working the night shift might be near impossible now. There was once a time that we thought him working the day shift was not a good idea too. So we are in a holding pattern still but I wanted to share that Gerard is now officially employed and we are very thankful.

Julie W how are things in your family?

Three years ago...

2012-01-14T05:22:00.000-08:00

I saw a picture of my little girl. My referral story is very different from others. I had flown to Michigan for a meeting with my adoption agency because there were some fears that due financial pressures the agency may close. At that point I was about 10 months into waiting for my referral and had several thousand dollars invested in this agency. If they closed I would have received nothing back, and if I decided to change agencies I would receive nothing back. I will tell you that if the agency closed or I decided to move I would not been able to adopt for quite a long time. Basically, I was stuck with no referral in sight and an agency facing financial hardship.

Gerard and I spoke that morning, and he advised me to go to the agency because I may not get this chance again. So that is what I did. I walked into the agency, I told them that I was not leaving until I spoke with someone about where I was on the list. A few phone calls were made than I was called to the phone to speak to the director. She told me she would make a few calls to find out where I was placed on the list.

I had been previously told that I was registered in the region of Arkhangelsk. This is a beautiful region. I had every face on the Russian database from this region embedded in my head, even a few of their names. About 20 minutes of waiting in the conference room quietly, and alone a woman came in and told me the phone was for me. It was the director of the Russian program. I will say she was warm and friendly. She told me she had news I might like to hear..."You have a referral."

We discussed the health of the child, not he sex than she told me "It's a girl!" Gerard and I had decided very early in the process that we were open to a boy or a girl. I needed to wait again for my coordinator to arrive to work for pictures. We discussed the child's name in Russia which was Anna and I knew there were no Anna's left in Arkhangelsk. That is when I was told I was in a different region...Chuvash Republic. I was puzzled but happy. Pictures were printed and I was on my way home. I got in late but just in time to see Gerard before he left for work. He had seen the pictures and already fell in love. I will never know if Anna had originally been intended to be my referral but I do know that God had a hand in placing her with us.

Last night I watched Anna and Gerard cuddle on the sofa. I was asked yesterday "I bet you can not remember what life was like without Anna?" Well to be honest I do. I have lived a long time as an adult not worrying about needing a babysitter. My house was never cluttered with toys. I never felt like I was going to break my neck getting into the shower, tripping on toys. Making money was easy. If I was short I just picked up a shift. I never felt guilty about leaving for work. My life was easy.

Now my thoughts are filled with the funny little things that Anna has done in a day. Some days are hard, really hard. Watching her become excited over things that have become ordinary for me is a wonderful feeling. I feel like although I had a wonderful life on the surface, Anna has made it even better. I could never go back to my old life.

Feeling the impact of baby JoanMarie

2012-01-09T03:44:00.000-08:00

I think it is amazing just how quickly a family can change. When Anna is not by my side I feel like I am missing someone. Our family Christmas celebration with Gerard's family was moved to Sunday. Gerard's Aunt (who lives near us) was ill last week and that was the main reason why the celebration was moved. We decided to met at AM's house because she is the half way point between us and Gerard's cousin.

Anna loves going to see as she puts it "Mine baby JoanMarie!" When ever she hears Uncle Eddie on the phone she tells him "You go hold mine baby JoanMarie!" The drive is pretty long about 1 1/2 hours and we did make one detour to Ikea but we were only there for a grand total of 30 minutes. Gerard does not care for a crowd. Anna told us "Auntie AM lives far away." Amazing how she is able to understand the relationship between distance and time.

Anna played with her cousins Christopher and Aiden. They are much older but that did not stop her from making one into a horse to carry her around the house. In typical Anna style she told him "You be a horse, I be Belle." For those of you not up on your Disney characters that Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Then she proceeded to act out much of the movie for them, specifically the parts with the horse.

As it got to be time to pack up and go home, Anna found her way to JoanMarie's bedroom. She managed to pull a chair over and climb into her crib. (Baby JoanMarie was down stairs) She proceeded to tell me "I a baby" then acted like one by producing a fake cry and kicking her legs like a baby. Usually, I hold her and rock her when she does this but this time she wanted nothing to do with that. She only wanted to stay, in the crib and be a baby.

Anna was quite upset when we did have to leave telling me she was a baby, and needed to stay there in the crib. It broke my heart because even though everyone else thought it was cute, I believe it was Anna missing the feeling of being loved as a baby. The ride home was more than a challenge. She cried, whined, and kicked most of the ride home. About 30 minutes into the ride she started to cry that she was a baby and needed to be put in a crib like a baby.

I rode the rest of the way home in the back seat holding her in the car seat, she cried most of the way. About 15 minutes from home she asked for her "phone" which is actually LeapPad that Santa brought her for Christmas. We played with a few games and she told me "I better."

I make a point to not to hold JoanMarie much, I have never fed her or changed her. I reinforce that this is what Mommas and Daddies do for their babies. We talk about how I do these things for her as well. I think the most interesting part of this behavior is that it usually only happens when we see JoanMarie. Anna loves the baby and tells her so which I think is a good thing. She is very gentle with the baby and only touches her when she is told she can. Anna's face beams when she gets close to the baby which I think is also a good thing. Anna does get very distressed when JoanMarie cries, more distressed then I have ever seen any other child get. I know this feeling of anxiety that Anna gets when she cries is a result of her time in the orphanage. She truly cares about JoanMarie.

I feel sad that Anna missed out on my holding her when she was a tiny baby. I wish things were different, and yet I know if they were different than Anna would be different too. I love Anna exactly the way she is today, completely. There is nothing I would ever want to change about her.

Everything is down!

2012-01-02T15:39:00.000-08:00

This year Gerard and I decided to undecorate the house earlier than usual. The decision was made because tomorrow I start back to school for 16 more weeks. I have loved having the break from school because I have been able to spend more time just being Anna's Mom rather then having a paper loom over my head. I will not lie I question my decision to return to school but Gerard and I both agree that me being in school will benefit our family in the future. I so wish I had completed all my schooling prior to Anna's arrival home.

For Anna it was a little sad as we took down the decorations. I was even scolded and put into "time-out" for removing the decorations from the tree. I held her, told her that the decorations will be back before she knows it but this was of little comfort to her. I started to removed the decorations much slower and we talked about it. I found it helpful that I had printed out photobooks from the last two Christmas to show her that the tree, and decorations will be back. I left the box out for Anna to look through the ornaments. I did find her redecorating the tree.

So the tree stood bare with the exception of the lights and the star. I had told Gerard that I thought it might be better if the tree disappeared much like it came but I was out ranked since I did not have the strength to disassemble the tree. Without notice he walked in took down the tree, and put it in the box.

Anna's face started to get red, and her eyes teared up. I asked Gerard to stop which he did. The three of us sat, talked about our tree, hugged it, and the box. I think Gerard did not believe me when I told him she was going to be upset but he got the picture as her hot little tears streamed down her face.

Gerard finished boxing the tree while I held Anna. We promised her that she could go into the attic anytime she needed to see it was still here. (Our attic has a finished floor) That made her feel better. She has not asked about the tree since that day.

I think the reason why I am writing about Anna's reaction is this year was the first year that she has truly started to understand. Her attachment to us has grown so strong in the past 6 months. The tears that she cried were true tears of plain, ordinary sadness. Anna was able to tell us why she was upset which for so long was not able to communicate that to us. Even though this was a seemly sad moment for Anna I see that keeping her close to us and limiting those who have taken care of her has been a big help for Anna.

Saturday we will celebrate Christmas with Gerard's family on Saturday which is also Orthodox Christmas. Even though we are not Orthodox many Russians are so I feel as though this may become a new tradition for us.

Happy New Year's Eve!

2011-12-31T05:42:00.000-08:00

First off an apology is in order from me. I had added a short YouTube video of Anna Christmas morning to the blog, I viewed it once, and thought great the link works. I shut the computer down, and did not think much about it. Well...Then last night while we are at dinner I got a call from my Mother who was quite upset. She demanded that I take down the video immediately! When I asked her why even I was shocked by her explanation. Apparently, other videos (not ones I have made) were attached to Anna's video, and not such nice videos from what my Mother has described. In her words TRASH was attached to Anna's video!

Apparently, some think it is funny when a child says a word that is not very nice. I do not think it is funny nor would I video tape, and then share this with the world. So the video of Anna hugging Bambi is gone for that reason.

On to the New Year, I mentioned that for Christmas I made Everyday Russian pancakes. Not being Russian myself I am trying to keep some of Anna's culture alive through different foods, and perhaps traditions that we can also maintain. I have found this wonderful book A Year of Russian Feasts written by Catherine Cheremeteff Jones. The book has many different Russian recipes but what I like most about it is that holiday traditions are explained through the author's experiences living in Russia.

Last night I read about how New Year's Eve is a very big celebration in Russia. I guess having been to Russia and staying with a host family I am able to perhaps picture how some of these holidays be. Every time I pick up this book I feel the need to return to Russia with Anna.

The other night I emailed my Russian coordinator in Cheboksary. We are friends on Facebook so she is able to see pictures of Anna as she grows. She has told me that her son is now living in Moscow attending University there. I can not imagine how proud of him she must be. I feel proud of him and I never met him, silly I know. As crazy as it may sound I am hoping to travel to Russia with Anna in the next couple of years. Perhaps 2014 because vacation plans for 2013 are pretty much set. I think Anna is too young this year to appreciate the trip. My hope is to meet up with Anna and the host family.

Gerard is not sold on the idea of it being good for Anna but I think he is wrong. I believe Anna has a lot of memories of Russia. Yes, I know that over time they will fade but my hope is that it will only be the unpleasant memories that fade.

I read last night that Russians do not make New Year's resolutions. I have always thought that figuring out a New Year's resolution was a lot of pressure so I will be adopting this tradition too. Instead Russians make toast after toast all night long. I think this is pretty cool actually. I find it amazing that rather then focusing on something that could be negative such as "I will get out of debt this year" They would make a toast like "Here's to having enough money to pay off my debt!" I think it is all in the wording but it just sounds more positive to me.

Here are my New Year's Eve toasts:

May you all have a health, happy, and prosperous New Year!

May all the families who are waiting for a referral or to travel to complete their families have a quick, safe journey.

May all the children who are without a parent find unconditional love in the who is caring for them.

Merry Christmas to you

2011-12-26T07:50:00.000-08:00

This year I think I had the best Christmas possible! Gerard is a last minute shopper and I am not. While Anna was at school on Thursday, I realized that for Christmas the only thing purchased for Gerard was a plastic travel cup. How in the world did I forget to buy Gerard a big gift. I chuckled on Christmas morning when I opened the plastic cups Gerard bought for me. The truth is we focused more on spending time as a family this year, and way less focus on buying gifts.

Now believe me Anna had plenty of gifts under the tree for Christmas morning. We decided very early on that we would not buy Anna something every time we go to the store. Friday, Anna and I watched a couple pf Christmas cartoons. As a child my favorite Christmas special was The Little Drummer Boy. I think this will also be one of Anna's favorite too. We listened to the cartoon, and then the song. We turned off the TV, talked, and played with our baby Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

On Friday Anna was so excited on that Santa was coming that she had a very hard time getting to sleep. I looked at Gerard and we both smiled. We decided to go low key this year for the holidays. For the past two years we have hosted a family party on Christmas Eve this year it was just us. We decided to go to the Children's Mass at 4 pm where Anna kept asking "Where is the little drummer boy?" When she heard a baby cry she was convinced that it was baby Jesus.

Anna was asleep by 8:30 pm. I was up until about midnight fixing and arranging. On Christmas morning when Anna's eyes opened she whispered "Momma, Momma I think Santa came last night." I was able to capture her reaction to waking up. I never want to forget the magic in her eyes and the smile on her face.

Christmas morning Gerard's parents stopped by for an hour or so on their way to AM's house. Anna was so excited to show them that Santa came, and left presents. For breakfast I made an easy recipe I found on Pinterest. It was frozen has brown potatoes, mixed with cheese and a drop of olive oil. I baked them for about 20 minutes in a muffin pan then I put a little more cheese, cracked an egg into each muffin and added some bacon back into the oven. They turned out perfect.

I also made some Russian style everyday pancakes. When I was in Russia I had them every morning while I was with the host family. I broke out the cookbook and made them on Christmas Eve so that I could reheat them on Christmas morning. Honestly, these are pretty good. Every time I make them I wonder why I don't make them more often. I have another Russian recipe that I hope to make this week as well.

Watching Anna play with her toys is one of the best feelings I have every felt. Now for the pictures.

A Christmas puppet Anna made

Christmas Eve after Mrs. Claus dropped off the PJs.

Anna heading to school for a day on the Polar Express

Here is the Christmas Craft that we did as a family. Very easy!

Christmas Morning

A week in review

2011-12-22T02:38:00.000-08:00

What a weekend! Okay I know it is actually Wednesday but what a weekend we had. Saturday, the plan was to have my family over for pizza and a Christmas craft at 2 pm. Due to my lack of sleep we pushed it back to 5pm which I will publicly say Gerard was right.

Everyone arrived at my house around 5-6pm. We laughed for hours. We ordered pizzas instead of making a big dinner. The children could hardly contain when they saw the presents under the tree. I think the funniest thing is watching Anna and Sloan trying to find their names on the presents. Aristotle who is in the third grade questioned "Why are some of these gifts from Santa?" Just as he was saying this the big man himself showed up on the fire truck. Anna keeps telling us he comes on a truck not a sleigh.

I did make my family partake in a Christmas craft. It was a simple one I saw on Pinterent. As soon as it was dry I pulled out the hammer, and hung it up. I do want to hot glue a red ribbon on the edge.

We gave Jaime and Greg the night off, and kept Hans over night with us. He was so cute in the morning waking up. I love hearing Anna interact with her cousins. She is so loving and bossy all at the same time. I did have to stop Anna a couple of times because she was trying to put Hans into time-out.

Sunday we sent the day with my sister and her two boys, Sloan and Aristotle. Sloan is just 5 months younger than Anna. Sloan is such a sweet boy. They spent the night Sunday and Monday. The three little ones were sick. Sloan threw up actually all over me as Hans and Anna watched. We found out that Anna will throw up in sympathy. I asked her what happened and she describes it as "I sick, like a dragon."

Anna was the first up of course and woke the rest of them up too. I heard Anna tell Sloan, "I the teacher, you be the audience." Anna always prefers to be the teacher which makes me laugh. She was going through her flash cards with him.

In all, the week has been very busy. Anna's blood work came back...all normal! Thank God! Anna did wake me up with pains in her legs again tonight, I gave her some Tylenol, and she fell back to sleep. I have been so blessed to be able to be off for the past couple of days. I know once the new year starts that is when the pace will pick up again.

Anna at the dentist. She would only go if I put on a Rudolph nose. Her cheeks are red from the fifths disease.

Santa, Hans, Jaime, and Greg. I had the camera so again no pictures of me...sigh.

Sloan, Anna, and I made cut outs of our hands one morning and decorated them with "sparkles." I have a really cute picture of Sloan but Jackie prefers that I not put the boys on the blog.

To say Anna is excited about Santa coming is a complete under statement. I think I am going to try to get it on video this year. So that is it for now. I hope to be able to get the salt dough ornaments done today. As I was putting pictures into this post I realized that I did not take any pictures of our crafts with my real camera only my phone. Those of you who are friends of mine on FB have already seen the crafts. I hope to picture them all today if I remember, get a chance.

Bingo...B...I...N...G...O

2011-12-15T07:26:00.000-08:00

This song has been in my head for the last two days. I am thinking about switching it up with a version of If your happy and you know. Why you ask because this marks day 3 of Anna being home from school sick.

I am blessed because first off I have been off all week so I have not had to struggle to find someone to watch Anna, and I actually have had a lot of fun with her even though she is sick. Anna has a virus called fifths disease. Which is cold like symptoms, chapped, puffy lips, and feeling a little tired. There is a rash that is described as looking like a slapped face. This could also a count for the pain in her joints. Although she is no longer contagious, Anna's teacher is pregnant, and I want to error on the side of waiting to return her to school. Once you have an immunity to fifths disease you should be good for life which I usually do not believe.

Yesterday we had another visit with the dentist. I did not have a level of comfort with the dentist that we visited with in November and made the decision that if I have to pay completely out of pocket for this visit I would. Anna has a few dental issues but this is something that we have been battling for a while. The enamel on Anna's teeth did not form properly. Anna needs some work done that is not an emergency but rather then putting her through 4-6 visits with sedation in the office we are opting to have her work done in one visit at the hospital.

As a nurse I feel way more comfortable with her being sedated in a hospital rather then in a doctor's office. There is also the advantage of being an employee at the hospital because I will be able to stay with her as long as possible. Those are the benefits of working in one hospital for as long as I have. So at the end of January Anna is scheduled for our total oral rehab.

I still hope to be able to do a few crafts with Anna today because she is feeling a little better. Yesterday we did decorate our tree which Anna loved. She has been redecorating it most of the morning. The funny thing is she will move a couple of ornaments then stand back and say "Looks perfect!"

All aboard! Who ate the Gingerbread man and I have a snowman in my kitchen

2011-12-13T22:59:00.000-08:00

I should know better then to not buy extra tickets. I am one of those crazy people who do love to plan some things in advance, like months in advance. So this past August I started asking who wanted to go on a train ride with Santa with us. Funny I did not get too many people who were as excited about a train ride with Santa in August...hmm...wonder why. So I only bought 14 tickets but then needed more so I sent Me-Me and La-La after a few more. We still did not have enough...sigh. I will not lie I am thinking of buying the whole train next year.

In the end it all worked out and we ended up knowing about 25 of the 60 or so people on the train at Allaire State park. The ride was only about 20 minutes long but it was still a bunch of fun. My friend Karen and her Grand daughter Ava were there and I got some cute shots of Ava talking with Santa. My other friend's (Patti) grandson and two of her children were also on the train. JoanMarie, Eddie and AM made the train too. I just love doing these kind of things together as a family.

We will not all be able to be together for Christmas so I enjoy the activities leading up to Christmas as much as I can. Pictures you ask? Well here they are.

Hans and Anna

Papa chasing Anna

Wayne (my nephew) and Kerri his girlfriend

Hans was so excited that I am thinking we will have to take a trip to see Thomas the Train

Nanny

La-La and Aunt Jenny

Anna with Santa

No pictures of me because I got to hold JoanMarie on the train.

I guess why I love these planned events so much is usually an unplanned event also crops up. The following day a bunch of us got together to make ginger bread houses. Anna has been reading the story about the ginger bread man in school so she was very excited for this project. One of the kit came with a little gingerbread man that she promptly eat. When she does stuff like that it just makes me laugh.
Jim Dear

Samantha (Jim Dear's niece)and La-La

We laughed, and decorated our houses but most importantly we made memories as a family. Ones that I will cherish for a long time. I am hoping everyone can make it on Thursday were I plan on making them all paint with their feet. Got to love pinterest for the Christmas crafts.

Speaking of pinterest I transformed my refrigerator into a super cute snowman. Less then 5 dollars worth of felt and I got two snowmen out of the deal.

Back a Moon

2011-12-09T04:46:00.000-08:00

I co-sleep with Anna. The other night Gerard was laying down with us and Anna was having a hard time falling asleep. Gerard will usually lay with us until we fall asleep but he swears we are both to noisy to sleep with and quite frankly we are. Not to mention Anna lays across the bed.

Every night before we fall asleep Gerard tells us "Back a moon" which translates to I love you. This is our shorten version of 'I love you to the moon and back." We have been doing this for a while and I like it. The other night Gerard whispered to Anna "Back a moon."

Anna whispered in my ear "Momma, Daddy needs gum." I open my eyes, because yes I was almost a sleep and giggled because Gerard hates chewing gum. Usually his response is "Why would someone want to chew gum. It looks like a lot of work that never ends."

So I whispered to Anna "No gum, lay your head down and go to sleep. Back a moon." To which Anna whispers to Gerard "Daddy, Momma said no gum! Lay your head down, go to sleep. Back a moon." Anna laid her head down and promptly fell asleep.

This morning Gerard and I laughed over this whole conversation. I am not sure if she thought she heard him ask for gum or if she just wanted gum and thought that if Daddy wanted gum it would be fine. No matter what the case this made me laugh.

Yesterday's blood work was the complete opposite from our last experience. I applied a cream to Anna's arms that numbs the area. It has to be applied for one hour prior to the blood draw and covered and is called Emla. If any of you must take your child for blood work on a regular bases this is a must and again something I would insist on from your doctor.

We registered for the blood work but only had to wait a few minutes. I explained what was going to happen and in walks the one person I would have never wanted to talk Anna's blood. Quite frankly I would draw it myself first, just as I was about to say something another woman I know walked in and started to prep Anna. In less then 5 minutes her blood was drawn, and the bandaid was applied, six tubes and one stick.

I can not tell you how much I appreciate your kind comments. I do so hope these are growing pains. If they are then we are going to have to have a talk with Anna to stop this growing business. I want to always remember how excited she is when I do not have to work. One of my other favorite things is how she sings and if she does not know the words she just makes them up.

Blood work!

2011-12-08T04:01:00.000-08:00

Over the past 20 years I have given many shots, started a number of IVs, and drawn tons of blood work. I have been conditioned that these things just need to get done for an important reason so I do them. Now when I say that I know it sounds very matter of fact and cold but this is a part of the professional me that keeps my mind safe from the not so nice things that I have seen over the years.

I often think about how the caregivers may be haunted by caring for the children in the orphanage. There is little they can do besides going and meeting the superficial needs of these children. In the past I have felt burned out and the conditions I work under are light years better then the conditions the caregivers in the orphanages work under.

Back to the blood work, when Anna came home from Russia I insisted that she not be vaccinated twice and instead that she has the titers drawn to see what diseases she was having an immune response towards. I remember that day very vividly, 17 tubes of blood were drawn. This afternoon I will take Anna for more blood work. My guess after looking at the orders is about 5-6 tubes of blood, please I pray it is not more than that this time.

This fall Anna was bitten by a tick. I marked it on the calendar and counted out 8 weeks which brought us close to the end of October. The night before Thanksgiving Anna had a crying episode and started to complain about her knees. Anna does not complain so I held her, gave her Tylenol and watched her. The pains went away until this Monday night. Tuesday I took her to the doctor's office to discuss three issues, the leg pain being one of them. I fear she may have Lyme's disease. I will post more about the other two issues after I have processed the discussion between Anna's pediatrician and I first.

I will say that I will have a couple of more doctor appointments in the near future. I am a little worried but I am doing my best to put it in God's hands. I want what is best for my baby. I will do what is necessary and right.

So today I will pick Anna up from school and drive her to he hospital where I work so I can hand select who will draw her blood. Yes, I am that bossy. I will pray that she will not cry for long after the blood draw.

I NEED that on my roof

2011-12-05T04:27:00.000-08:00

Last week Gerard met my Mother and I at the mall to have Anna's Christmas pictures done. Anna's Christmas dress is somewhat plain by some standards but I just love it. No glitter or glitz. The dress is a cotton, red dress with white poka-dots. I love the little peter pan collar and tab with her first initial monogrammed on the tab of the dress.

We brought a few of our special things with us to the appointment. Rudolph the red nosed reindeer that Jim Dear and La-La bought her last year made the cut. So did the alters that Gerard and Anna play with on a routine bases. With some help from Nanny's red lip stick Anna was adorned with a red nose. The pictures turned out beautiful. What was even better was Gerard took Anna to the indoor play area so I could pick out the pictures without worrying where Anna was.

On our way home we stopped for some frozen yogurt which is my new love. On the ride home Anna started to notice the Christmas decorations outside. Now we usually put out the nativity with a star but in the past no lights on the house. Now if it were me the house would be light in white lights with colored accents but since I dislike being on a ladder lights usually do not go on the house.

I was getting a sleepy little Anna out of the car at home and she lifted her head and pointed at the neighbor's house and said "I NEED them on Anna's house!" When Gerard got home I asked him to just take her outside and she repeated her demand to him as well. He laughed and smiled. Saturday he went to the store and came back with the clips needed to hang the lights. So maybe today he will get a chance when he gets home to get up there and hang the lights.

Saturday we were able to get the Nativity down and just like the past two years Anna took charge of placing the people in the front yard. I just sat back and pictured her this year and with no guidance from Gerard or I she took the plastic characters out and placed them on the lawn. I was amazed by the order in which she decided who was going to be on the lawn first.

Baby Jesus was first, then Mary, and then Joseph all found their special spots on the lawn. The animals were next then the Sheppard and wise men. She is so interested in Baby Jesus which we just love. She made sure that each of the statues had a view of Baby Jesus.

2011-12-02T06:41:00.000-08:00

I have a new love. Pinterest...anyone else a part of this site? I love crafts, decorating and the photo tips that are posted on this site. I found this really neat reindeer ornament that I plan to do with Anna and the family this Christmas. I would love some suggestions of people to follow on this site.

Today I decided Anna and I are going to spend the day together. Hopefully I will be able to get an appointment to have her pictures for Christmas done. I would also love to get a few cookies made. What a beautiful today is going to be.

And the winner is......

2011-11-29T13:28:00.000-08:00

The winner is...insert drum roll please...Naomi!

I want to thank all of you who pray for the children and families of the world. Naomi I will be emailing you shortly for your address so that I can get the PJs and book out to you tomorrow.

Anna decided that she NEEDED her Papa this afternoon after school. I am so glad that Gerard took her there because she was able to spend some time with her cousin baby JoanMarie as well as decorate their Christmas tree.

Anna is very excited about Christmas this year. I have found that hiding Christmas gifts in the truck of my car is not such a great idea. I had purchased a gift for her and figured out once I got home that I had duplicated the gift. I intended on returning the gift that afternoon but Anna found it first.

Now the stinker keeps looking in the back of my car just to check for "stuff" as she puts it. Her new thing is to ask "Who bought that?" I think Gerard and I will use this question to teach a little bit more about money.

I just finished my class for this semester. What a relief. I do not start up again until after the new year. Three classes down and 12 more to go, which also equals just shy of 4 years, but who is counting? If could be five years after all, right...the glass is half full.

This past weekend I spent so much time with Anna. I had the opportunity to work extra but Gerard told me "She needs you." Anna comes first so I declined the overtime which is a switch for me lately. I love being home in the morning when Anna wakes up. She has been having dreams that she remembers and wants to share with me as soon as her eyes are open. Some of her dreams are funny, some are silly, and some are scary. No matter what type of dream she has she loves to sit on my lap and tell me about it, and I love hearing about them too.

I hope to be able to blog more in the coming days about a bunch of things. Now that my class is over. I also hope to be able to get her Christmas cards completed and in the mail too.

I am so excited about what the new year holds for our family. I have made such progress on our debt that I did not think it was possible. We have cut our expenses dramatically.

Janet who knows what 2012 will bring maybe even a picture of Gerard!

A Give-A-Way! It is pretty simple I promise Pictures added

2011-11-25T23:02:00.000-08:00

Have I told you lately that I feel so blessed. This year has proven to me that hard times can pass. To summarize a friend's Facebook status "The hardest arithmetic is counting your blessings" and this is how I feel. I can no longer imagine how my life would be without Gerard and Anna. I could have thrown it all away over my foolish pride more times than I care to count.

Friday morning when I was shopping I tried to count all my blessings. I became overwhelmed with all that God has provided for me. The very next thought was what if I had a Give-A-Way to support orphans and families in need? This one will be simple I promise.

When I was waiting for Anna, and blogging I know that many prayed for Anna and I. When Gerard and I hit a rough patch, and I blogged about it, I know many of you prayed for us. So hear is what the Give-A-Way will cost...are you ready?

I would like you to pray for the orphans in the world who will not have a Mommy and Daddy to hold them on Christmas morning, and for families who are experiencing difficult times.

That is it! I told you I would keep it simple. If you decide to pray for these two causes, and want a chance to win this Give-A-Way than just post below that you prayed, your name, or email address. You do not need a blogger account to comment to this blog post. If you link this blog post on your blog, Facebook or Twitter account let me know and I will put your name in twice. The more prayers the better.

I am giving away a pair of cotton Christmas pajamas and a Christmas story. The PJs are a country green with white pok-a-dots with a smocked Santa. The PJs are a size 3T but do run big.

The book is one that caught Anna's attention while we were looking at books at BJ's warehouse. She picked it out and was looking through it intently while I was looking at a different book. To my surprise I noticed the Eastern European style art and decided to buy it. This book has a wonderful lesson about how the manner you treat a person does matter. The name of the book is The Wild Christmas Reindeer by Jan Brett.

To be fair I will close the Give-A-Way at 3 pm on Tuesday, November 29th. I will post the winner by 5pm on November 29th.

Once again thank you for your support and prayers.

Happy Belated Thanksgiving

2011-11-25T15:14:00.001-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving even though I am a little late. We had a wonderful day. Wednesday I had hoped to get some of my prep work done but I came home from work with a headache that I could not shake. I slept from 8:30 am to 3:00pm which is very unusual. I got up only long enough to make some dinner and then back to bed by 9pm.

Thanksgiving morning I woke up early, Gerard went to the gym. I quietly prepared my turkey and side dishes. Sorry no turkey picture this year because it was carved before I thought about it. I did try a new side dish, acorn squash stuffed with apples, onions, raisins, cheddar cheese, and a sprinkle of brown sugar. I wrapped them in tin foil and covered them on the grill. They were perfect.

Dinner this year was quieter because we had less people than usual. If you are asking if we had a stranger at the table the answer is yes. My sister brought a friend whom I have never met, Harry was a very nice man, and we enjoyed his company.

Because Wednesday was an unproductive day my schedule was off, and I had homework that still needed to be done after dinner. Once I was finished with homework it was time to shop! Gerard and Anna were fast asleep so I ventured out to the stores. I was able to many of the things that I wanted so I am happy with the results.

This year my sister Jenny pictured below was with us. At dinner she suggested that we all express one thing that we are thankful for this year. Papa told us he was thankful for his grandchildren. Anna perked up and told him "I love you Papa. You a sweet man." I think about how far she has come from just two years ago, and that was what I was thankful for. Gerard was thankful that we were not working, and I second that. I think now that he is on a day shift schedule he is so much more aware of how awful it feels to work nights but I am thankful that I have the ability to work at night.

In all this was a wonderful Thanksgiving. I hope that everyone else had a nice day with their family and friends.

This and That

2011-11-22T21:01:00.000-08:00

The past couple of days I have been off trying to get the mountain of laundry washed, dried, and put away. I am one load away from being done so tomorrow will be spent finishing up the cleaning that I need to do prior to having Thanksgiving dinner. I often wonder why I deep clean prior to Thanksgiving when I should perhaps do that after Thanksgiving.

Last week Anna had her first dental appointment. I have been trying to get her in to see one of the local pediatric but I have not been able to get through to the office. She does have a cavity that needs to be filled. I am on the fence on whether or not I am going to have it filled in the office with laughing gas or in the hospital where they can easily do a complete exam and cleaning under sedation. I did take a few pictures and will add then tomorrow.

Plans are set for our train ride with Santa Claus in December. I can hardly contain my excitement. Anna and I drove to Allaire State park to buy the tickets. Anna and I took a practice train ride which was fun. This is no Polar Express but the tickets were very reasonable which allowed me to open it up to more family members.

While we were at Allaire State Park I took a couple of pictures of Anna. I got in the car convinced that I did not good enough one for our Christmas card but low and behold I did. I had been hoping to toss Gerard and I in front of the camera for a family Christmas card but we just can not seem to get it together again this year.

I am also quite excited to start planning our Christmas crafts. We have reindeer ornaments and gingerbread houses. Like last year I want to focus more on spending time with the ones we love rather then at the store. This however will not stop me from being a crazed shopper on black Friday. I just love being out in the crowds, I know it sounds weird.

Gerard has told me that I MUST go through all the Christmas decorations this year. I have way too many decorations. Prior to Anna I collected a number of different Hallmark ornaments. Every branch of my tree is covered with more that one ornament. Last year we did not even take down one ornament opting instead for ones that were homemade by Anna and I. Years ago I talked one of my sisters into buying the Hallmark football ornaments. Now she has two boys and they both love these ornaments and want them on their special trees in their rooms. I am happy now to have a girl because I can pass those ornaments off to my sister for her second son.

Thanks to a fellow blogger friend I have been invited to join Pinterest. Stacy I promise as soon as I figure out how to invite you I will. I have not gotten a chance to really look through the site yet but I think it will be quite interesting.

I promise in the next day I will post a some pictures.

A visit to the toy store

2011-11-16T21:46:00.001-08:00

I know this may sound strange but Anna does not frequent the toy area in many of our larger stores. Last year I was shamed into taking her to Toys R Us but only after my dear friend Geralyn reminded me of the things I would tell her children.

Prior to Anna coming and when Geralyn's children were much younger she would come to pick up her paycheck with the kids. We would all sit and talk a bit then I would promptly tell her children it was time for them to go so that Toys R Us did close before their Mother could get them there to pick out a toy. Yes, I am shameless. Her children still remember many trips to the toy store that I started. Now to be fair she would have probably taken them anyway because she loves the toy store as much as most children. Geralyn would always laugh because she knew it was coming.

Last year I took Anna to Toys R Us. I was prepared to buy her a toy of her choosing but instead we just played. At the end of our 2 hour trip she did not want any toy so we headed home. The two closest Toys R Us are at least a 30 minute drive from my home so for that is really the reason why we do not go often. I have been talking to Gerard about our preparations for the upcoming holidays and I told him that I wanted to go to Toys R Us with him to look at toys.

Our biggest challenge remains leaving Anna behind. We do just love having her with us all the time. At first I suggested asking if his parents could watch her. This is a big step because they have only ever watched her for an hour or less and only in a pinch. I thought about it and then said maybe they will want to come too. We asked them to accompany us to the toy store but to please watch Anna so Gerard and I could look at the toys and speak freely.

We were all excited about the idea. We told Anna we were going to the toy store and she beamed with excitement. She happily skipped into the store holding Grammy and Papa's hands. My little sweetie pie (she is now requesting that I call her this) looked, and played while Gerard and I also looked, and played.

At the end of our trip we told Anna she could pick a toy out to "Make our own." With determination in her step she marched directly for the dinosaurs but the pink and white unicorn is what won her heart. Dinosaurs are one of her new favorite things to play with so they have made the short list of potential gift ideas.

After our trip to the toy store we rounded out the evening of fun with a trip to my new favorite thing to eat...Frozen yogurt. When ever I visit Manhattan I can not resist going to the Pinkberry for frozen yogurt. In my area we have a couple of different self-service frozen yogurt shops that are also pretty good but the Pinkberry is the best. The caramel and peanut butter with sprinkle of seasalt are my favorites but the peppermint patty is also pretty good. Have you ever tried a dash of salt on ice cream? No really I am not crazy just try it once.

As for the new blog I promise to make it public at some point. Probably not until after the first of the year. There is quite a bit that still needs to be private about what is happening for a number of reasons. I have thought about perhaps opening it up to a few by invitation but I am still toying with that idea. I will say if everything works out I will make it public and it is going to be good. So for now you will all have to wait and see.

A Beautiful Day

2011-11-14T04:40:00.001-08:00

Sunday we spent the day with Gerard's family. As a family we celebrated JoanMarie's christening into the church. I would love to share pictures but AM and Eddie prefer that I do not at the time. Maybe I will be able to convince them it is okay but for now I guess you will get me rambling about the day instead.

First off JoanMarie has only a little bit of hair but it is going to be red which I love. She is such a sweet baby. For the christening JoanMarie wore the same dress that Eddie and many of his family members wore. Eddie believed it was over 50 years old and I would have to agree. The dress was just my style, long, white, cotton with lots of detail work that you could only appreciate up close.

Gerard, Anna, and I set out for the church which was about an hour and a half from our home. I love that she has lots of questions. We talked about what behavior we expected from her and for the most part she did quite well in the church. She even reminded us that we needed to be quiet because this was a church. I loved how she told people Jesus was in her heart.

The service was very nice. AM and I both started to tear up when the priest spoke about abortion and how precious life is. His words were true and honest.

Since JoanMarie's arrival Anna has both grown and regressed if that is possible. She tells us all the time about JoanMarie. "JoanMarie a baby. JoanMarie pooped. JoanMarie wonderful. I love JoanMarie." I love that she is so excited about the baby and can freely express how she feels about JoanMarie. I wonder how she will feel when JoanMarie does more that kind of hangs out in someone's arms.

The regression that we are experiencing in my opinion is completely normal. In the presence of JoanMarie if someone tells her she is growing up she tells them in a stern voice "No! I a baby." and promptly wants me to how her like a baby. I then tell her that no matter how big she gets she will always be my baby. After a little rocking she is off like a rocket playing around again.

She has also taken up roll playing, mostly when Gerard and I are together. She tells me "You be Auntie AM, Daddy you be Uncle Eddie, I be JoanMarie." The first time this happened I was taken by surprise. We play along each and every time but I can not help but feel that on a deeper level she feels like she missed this part of her life and is trying to recreate it so she has this imprinted in her memory. Is it possible to tell a child you love them too often?

The after party was held at the Knights of Columbus in town. To say Anna was over stimulated is an understatement. It was loud, lots of kids, and a number of people who just had not met her yet. The balloons kept her busy and every adult in her close proximity when she let them go. The funniest thing was she kept an eagle eye on Papa. She loves him so much which is just wonderful.

Even though Anna endured a very long day the over stimulation lasted well into the night. At 10 pm she was still up and running around. Gerard and I held her and rocked her, finally sleep won the battle.

On a side note. I have a new special project. This is one reason why I have seemed distracted. I have started another blog, one that is private for now. I intend to open it up as soon as a few things are finalized. Most likely this will not be until after the holidays. I promised that 2012 would be filled with fun and excitement.

Surprise Wedding...who knew?

2011-11-05T00:58:00.000-07:00

The other night Gerard, Anna, and I were out at dinner. We were enjoying our favorite taco joint when as cool as cucumber Anna announced that she and Anthony got married. Gerard's jaw dropped. He has stated that she is not to get married before she is 30 so clearly her nuptials at the tender age of 4 was a bit of a shock for him.

I laughed at his reaction. I asked her if she had met his parents yet because that was important. I also asked what kind of a job would Anthony have in order to support her. I was amazed by her answers.

First off she told me "Anthony's parents very nice!" Well okay that is good but back to the how will he support you at the age of four? That is when she told me "Silly Momma, Anthony three." Oh boy my girl likes a younger man I see. Then she told me "Anthony will work with Daddy." "So Anthony is an Electrician?" I said. To this she replied "Silly Momma, no Anthony a dragon slayer!"

So there you have it apparently Gerard is a dragon slayer and I am a mother-in-law!

Halloween 2011

2011-10-31T21:43:00.001-07:00

My desk in a solid mess but my pictures from Halloween are uploaded and ready for viewing. Seriously, I was actually asleep about 15 minutes ago and just randomly woke up. I could not think of a single fun thing to do except to update the blog.

This Halloween marks Anna's third Halloween in the States. In so many ways it feels like she has always been here and in other it feels like she has not. I was trying to think back to last Halloween and I realized I missed most of it because both Gerard and I had to work. Last year I loved Anna's costume, she was pebbles and Hans was Bam-Bam. I remember driving to work last year upset that I was not getting to take her trick or treating. Thank goodness La-La and Me-Me have this holiday down pat. They stepped in and made sure that Anna got the full experience.

This year I made sure I was going to be off. Insert I had no idea what to dress her up as. Gerard and I are somewhat conservative and many of the girl costumes seem a little grown up for us. This is one situation where it is nice that Anna is so little because she fits into the toddler costumes.

My sister Jackie found a Mickey Mouse costume and I thought that was perfect until La-La and Me-Me found a Simba costume in Anna's size on clearance. I am a BIG clearance shopper so it was right in line with what I would spend. Plus here in New Jersey it gets pretty cold so I knew she would be warm.

As we waited for our first trick or treaters to come to the door, Gerard looked at me and said do you remember her first Halloween? He took the words out of my mouth. That first Halloween Anna had virtually no English speech. She was so quite, active but quiet. Gerard and I have remarked that she lately as to how much she speaks today compared to a year ago.

On Anna's first Halloween the door bell rang, at that point the door bell would startle her now it is one of her favorite toys. She jumped then went with me to the door to see who it was. When she saw the little child dressed she bolted. I remember thinking this is not good but oh how wrong I was. She bolted to get her bumble bee costume on. That year we only went to a couple of houses like 6 or 7 and those were family members and the neighbors. We walked up and rang the bell and she took the candy with no express on her face. Don't get me wrong I think she liked it but in retrospect I think she was scared.

This year has been so different from 2009 in so many ways. This morning she got up excited to go to school to show Mrs. Maloney her costume. They had a little classroom party just for the children no parents allowed which I think is strange more on that later. My cousin called to see if we wanted to trick or treat with them and I said sure. I knew La-La and Me-Me were going to have a bunch of kids with them so I knew that even though Anna would me missed, Hans would still have kids with him.

Gerard and I waited to see Anna's reaction to the first trick or treater. This year was much different she was excited to see them at the door but then went straight back to playing with her guys. Lyric arrived and he dressed as a knight which I thought was pretty neat. So off we went with 'Prince Philip' as Anna called him and Simba.

Anna and Lyric ran up to the first house, Anna rang the bell squeaked "Trick or Treat" and ran straight back to me yelling I did it. My neighbor than told us that she did not even take her treat. Well by the third or fourth house she had gotten the concept down. I think she was just so excited to be able to ring all the door bells.

At the house I had Grammy, Papa and Nanny positioned to give out the candy. Many of my neighbors let out bowls of candy and I was so pleased to see all the children only taking one piece. At this house we do not get many trick or treaters because we are on the out shirts of town. My other two house I was bombarded every year with more than 150 children.

Half way through the trick or treating Anna was tired of wearing her head piece so Momma got to be Simba too. We turned around and headed home. Gerard ran out to pick up the pizzas and Lyric left to go show his other Grandparents his costume.

So up until this point I thought Anna loved ringing the door bells the most until the trick or treaters came to her house. The bell would ring and she would bolt for the door yelling "trick or treat" she helped me give out the candy and was quite generous if she felt they did not take enough, which is fine by me less left over is a good thing. Then as they were leaving she told them "You go home now to your Mother!"

I know I will be sad when she stops saying this one day. I just love how far she has come in associating being "home" with having a Mother and and Father.

Wonder who isgetting to the door faster?

Simba

Prince Philip

Disney Photopass CD ordered

2011-10-25T09:19:00.001-07:00

I can not believe I almost forgot to order the Disney Photopass CD. There were a few really cute pictures on there so I am very glad that I was able to still get a copy. I would have been seriously bummed out if I had missed the chance to order one. I wish I had gotten more pictures of her with her Grandparents. Maybe next time.

Anna has been talking about Disney since we came home. Every day she says "I go there maybe tomorrow." I love that she has good memories about our trip. Things have eased up here and Anna is getting back into her daily routine. My crazy work schedule is now calming down too.

There may be a few changes in the up coming months that will allow me to work quite a bit less. I am praying that the plan Gerard and I have set into motion will work out the way we think it will.

I have started to talk to Me-Me and La-La about our Christmas activities that we will plan. Last year was so much fun because we did so much together as a family. I love the Christmas season not for the presents but because of the time I get to spend with my family. I have a feeling Anna will be filled with excitement this year.

On my school home front, I have 5 more weeks of this class then I am off until January. I am considering taking two classes in January and then taking off for the summer. I think going to school in the summer is just so hard for Anna. I really want to just be able to spend everyday that I am not working playing instead of trying to fit school in there too. I still have time to decide on my schedule so that is good.

I promise to put some pictures up soon.

King

2011-10-20T03:04:00.000-07:00

"Where are you?"

In of my post I forgot to mention that while on vacation King took an alternate vacation. That is right we lost King at the beach in St Petersburg. I did not even realize that King was not with us until the day after we checked into Disney. I called the hotel twice while I was in Florida. The man very nicely took down my name and number but King was not found. I tore apart all the suit cases and the rental car in the hopes that he was with us but just tucked in somewhere where I could not see him.

Anna was so busy that I am not sure she realized he was missing. We were careful not to mention his name in front of her because I was dreading the question "Where a King?"

Anna's King is a very worn, small, stuffed animal of Scar from the movie Lion King. What I did not realize is that this particular King was born in 1994. After we got home I started to search eBay for a replacement King. To my surprise, I was able to find a replacement King to the tune of 155 dollars. I decided to make one more call to the hotel. I was never so happy to hear the man on the other end of the phone tell me that he had King and he was going to overnight him to us.

I will say that I was still worried that it was not really "Our King" so I waited for the package to arrive. Once I opened it I started to cry. Even I missed King.

I picked Anna up from school and told her I had a surprise waiting for her. When she saw her King the tears started to stream down her face. I think that although she never mentioned King was gone she knew King was missing. I think this also had something to do with her asking if I was leaving her in Disney.

Gerard and I have vowed that King will never leave home again.

These are picture of Anna opening up the package that King was returned in

An Interesting Observation

2011-10-18T22:19:00.000-07:00

I am not sure if anyone is still out there reading our blog but I can not even begin to tell you how busy life has been for me since our vacation. I knew ahead of time that once I was finished with vacation that my work schedule was going to be crazy busy.

Gerard has been caring for Anna in my absence. Between her full day at school and my work schedule I have only been seeing her for about 2 hours a day. I am so fortunate that he is still able to be home with her full time right now.

I did have an interesting observation for our time on vacation. Towards the end of the vacation Anna started to ask me if I was leaving her in Disney. This broke my heart. I would hold her and tell her that she was staying with us forever. Then I noticed that she started to keep track of everyone as we were walking. She would ask "Where a Nanny? Where a Papa? Where a mine Daddy?"

At first I thought it was cute that she was keeping track as I was doing the same thing. At work much of my time is spent counting babies, on vacation I was counting adults...Three grandparents, one baby and Gerard.

When we got home is when I started to get more concerned. Anna started to act out if I had to leave. She would start to cry and say that she missed me. We would talk about how much I love her and that I missed her too when I am not with her. Every morning when I would come home, she would look at me with a surprised look and say "You came home!"

Of course this has me a bit concerned. If I had been able to change my schedule to eliminate the extra shifts I would have in a flat second but that was not possible. What I have realized is Anna is home just a little over 2 years now. At about the age of two children start to have separation anxiety. So even though I am upset because Anna is missing me when I am not there, I am encouraged by the thought that she is perhaps building a strong bond with me.

Please understand in the past Anna never expressed a desire for me to stay home with her to this magnitude. Knowing that Gerard was right there with her and giving her his full attention was my only saving grace.

I guess I was a little shocked by Anna's reaction. As much as love a 10 day vacation, I think in the future I will be cutting our trips short perhaps to 4 or 5 days long.

How did it become October already?

2011-10-02T13:41:00.000-07:00

I feel like the month of September was a complete blur. I did not write about half of what I wanted to write about last month. Yes we are home from Florida. I know I need to put up pictures of our trip but I have hit a bump in the road. The day before I left for Florida I purchased a new computer mostly because my 6 year old lap top that is missing a few keys was really starting to run slow. No my issue is I have all my pictures downloaded to that laptop so I am working between two laptops for the time being. I know this is no excuse but really I promise I will get a few pictures attached to this post.

The day after we returned from Florida I co-hosted a baby shower for AM, Eddie and Baby JoanMarie. We were blessed to have close to 50 close family members and friends join us in celebrating JoanMarie's arrival into our family. She is such a beautiful baby. The little stinker has gained a pound already. I hope to be able to see her this week perhaps when Anna is at school.

The rest of the week I spent trying to things organized, doing school work and trying to get Anna back into the routine of going to school. We have had a few challenges that I believe are left over from our trip with Anna. I hope to elaborate this week. I picked up a few extra days at work so I feel like my schedule is so tight that if one thing pops up the day will be shot. I hope to be able to slow down a bit in November so that I can enjoy the holidays.

The other day I realized that my two year calendar is ending this year. I am so attached to scheduling and my calendar I feel lost without it. I feel the need to sit down and plan my time off for next year. I do have one small trip planned that I am super excited about. I will be going on an adoption retreat in Atlanta and meeting up with a few of my blogger friends. The retreat is planned for March and I am sure I will welcome the break from our usual cold weather. We are in the 60's today so I fear summer is over.

I have a feel like this year has had so many blessings for me and my family. I do have a few things planned for next year and perhaps a few surprises too. Prior to going to Disney my goal was to have 1/3 of my debt paid off. I am happy to say that I met that goal. I hope to have more paid off in the next 6 months. On one hand I feel like slowing down and just enjoying life is what I should be doing but in order to reach my goal of working part-time I have to have all my unfavorable debt paid off. My goal is to not bust the budget this Christmas and stay on the path to being debt free.

My nieces and I have taken up couponing. Actually Me-Me is the Master-mind, La-La is the second in command and I just follow what they tell me to do. I love it because it is a nice switch up in our roles. Using coupons does take a little bit of time but I can feel a difference in the amount of money that I am spending.

I will leave you with a few pictures from Disney.

I am not sure when we are going back but even Gerard said we will be back sooner then he thought we would be.

Heading Home

2011-09-21T18:31:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in the car on our way back to the airport in Tampa, Gerard is driving, the grand parents and Anna are watching the movie Cars so I decided that blogging is more important then homework. (For now at least).

When I get home I will upload some pictures from the trip so for now I will just give you the blow by blow report of our trip. Tuesday morning we planned on going to the Magic Kingdom, I had made reservations for dinner with Cinderella. When I made the reservations I worried that I had made them for too early in the day but actually the timing was perfect. Hands down this was one of the best experiences of the trip. I am sad I did not get any of it on video but I will remember it for ever.

I knew we would see Cinderella but I had know idea we would see, Snow White, Belle, Ariel but by far Anna was moat excited when she saw Sleeping Beauty. Anna knows all the story lines for each of these movies. I love how she complemented each princess and asked where their prince was. She was so excited. This was by far the perfect age to bring Anna. Gerard has even commented that maybe we should come back sooner then he thought.

I plan on buying the photopass again this year and I got a quick preview and love a few of the photos already. The dinning plan was wonderful and I would recommend this to anyone considering a trip to Disney.

We had breakfast with the Donald, Mickey and a bunch of the other characters. Each day only got better but like all good vacations we are all ready to be home.

What a magical place

2011-09-21T18:23:00.001-07:00

What a wonderful trip so far. I have so much to share but we have a very early day planned for tomorrow. If you go to YouTube and search Mickey Mouse and Anna you will see her reaction to seeing Mickey for the first time this trip. Everyone has gone above and beyond to make this trip special.

We're HERE!

2011-09-19T19:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I have the best laid plans and then most of the time they are dashed by real life. The week leading up to our vacations was filled with a work, school and planning a baby shower. Thank goodness La-La and Me-Me are home finishing up the last minute details for the baby shower.

I had this dream of taking our picture with our luggage in front of the house up loading it and blogging a touch before we left...sigh no chance. Because of my work schedule and school I put off packing until the night before we left which stresses me out. I love having things packed a certain way which they are not packed in that manner currently so I am having a little bit of a challenge.

We spent our first night in St Pete. Today we made our way to the beach early for a swim. Anna spent close to two hours swimming in the most beautiful water. This is my second time on the west coast and I LOVE the beach there. This afternoon we traveled in a minivan which I have loving termed Gerard's bus. You have to understand Gerard drive a four wheel drive pick up mostly so no one can drive with him except Anna and I. Now he has this beautiful bus along with 5additional drivers. Anna repeats what ever the GPS says but from the back seat. Gerard has decided that we are all getting Nintendo DXs so that we all take our eyes off the road.

I hope to be able to upload some pictures tomorrow morning before we head out to the Magic Kingdom. Off to sleep now.

Amazed by our big news

2011-09-13T05:19:00.000-07:00

There have been so many things that have amazed me in past years. Seeing Anna's sweet little face I believe has touched many within out family. Anna is more then a blessing, she is hope for the future and proof that miracles happen everyday.

About two weeks ago I hinted at some special news. No Gerard and I are not having another baby but we have become an Aunt and an Uncle again. We treasure our nieces and nephews. Spending time with them is never a chore. We love them all. The addition of new family members makes my heart skip a beat.

Eddie and AM (we pronounce it just like am as in I am) have become the proud parents of a beautiful, sweet little baby girl. Her skin is like cream and her hair is a strawberry blond color. This child is a miracle. The smile on Eddie's face has not broken once in the past week. Hearing his funny stories about their time in the hospital makes me think about the things I say to parents and that makes me chuckle too.

Last week we went to drop off the bassinet at AM's house. I have been prepping Anna with only, Mommy, Daddy, Papa and Grammy can hold the baby. No neither Gerard or I have held her yet. Once we were finished setting up the bassinet Papa came in to look at the progress, Anna told him in a stern voice, "Please, no touch for baby."

The family of three came home from the hospital on Wednesday. Gerard and I decided to wait until Friday to go see the baby. When we got in the baby was trying her best to not fall asleep while laying in her bassinet. AM picked her up for Anna to check out closer and she promptly fell sound asleep.

What I loved the most was as AM was holding the baby Anna crawled up into my lap, looked me square in the face and told me "I a baby." I corrected her and told her she was MY baby, then she corrected me and said "I Mamma and Daddy's baby."

We have experienced a little bit of regression with wetting herself but I am not sure if this is the presence of the new baby or school. My gut is that it is school. Gerard and I have talked about what we need to do in order to keep Anna going in the positive direction that she is heading. Anna has informed us that she likes the baby.

We stayed for dinner. Gerard's Aunt Barbara and cousin Michelle came to see the baby. Michelle was holding the after about an hour Anna asked her to bring the baby into the other room. Michelle got up, walked in to the front room near the bassinet. Anna asked her politely to please put the baby down. Michelle did. They were watching her and Anna kept telling her "baby wonderful, baby sleeping, baby beautiful." Michelle asked "Can I hold her now?" Anna firmly replied "No! Only Mommy and Daddy hold baby, let her sleep!" I could not help but the chuckle at this too.

The other day we were talking to Eddie over the car speakers and the second thing out of her mouth was "Uncle Eddie, You holding mine baby? You take her to Disney!" No worries Anna the baby will have her passport soon I am sure if I know your Aunt and Uncle.

Without further blabbing here are pictures of the beautiful baby
JoanMarie Ann C.

First Day of Pre-School

2011-09-07T14:43:00.001-07:00

Tuesday marked her first day back to what Anna likes to call "Other one school." Anna attended a few weeks of summer preschool but she did not like it at much as her regular preschool so we only sent her a couple of times. When she realized that we were taking her to see her regular teacher and school she was very happy and full of questions. I am still not sure where the summer went this year.

When we got to the door Anna was an old pro, she remembered the lady from last year and they remembered her. This made me more comfortable sending her through the door alone. We could see her walk the entire way to the multi-purpose room where they were all lining up to walk to the class room. Not a single tear was shed, at least by Anna.

This morning was a little bit different. I think she gets a little sad when I work two days in a row therefore taking her to school becomes a little more emotional. Things have been a little crazy in our house the past couple of days (which I will explain tomorrow) with so really wonderful news and some really sad news. Nope we are not adopting again if that is what you were wondering. We could use some prayers for our family for strength and peace. Before I share our news I need to clear it with our family members first.

Anna is talking up a storm these days. She told me all about hugging her teacher and how that made her happy. The she told me about how her teacher told her to "lay down, nap time." Anna also told me that in Mrs. Maloney's class you have to sit like a pretzel which I think is funny because she demonstrated this for me when she got home. I asked does everyone have to sit like that and she told me no just Anna. Hmmm does that mean she was not sitting when asked on the first day. My guess is yes but I know Mrs. Maloney will be consistent and Anna will fall in line with the class rules.

She is getting so grown up. If I could freeze this age for a little bit longer I would because she is so much fun. The count down to Disney is well under way. We have more stickers to place on the calendar and I suppose I should gets some pictures of her doing just that before it is too close and I forget.

Now that we are starting our school time routine I am hoping things are going to feel a little less crazy. The next 2 1/2 weeks are packed with so much I want to make sure that I stop and take time to enjoy them as well.

So here are my pictures of the first day of school 2011. What a difference from last year.

Where did August go?

2011-09-03T18:43:00.000-07:00

I have been so busy this summer with school that I feel like I missed most of the summer. The morning and evening are now cool here in New Jersey. I just know that the Fall will be upon us sooner then I like. Once again I feel behind in making arrangements for Anna's birthday so I hope to get that squared away this week.

We have had so much excitement and good news in our family but for now I must keep this private. I will say over the next couple of months things are going to be a little different. All the changes are good ones in my opinion so we are very happy.

I did manage to get Anna over to the one room school house where my Mother went to school to take her picture in the garden as well as at the beach. If you do something more then twice does it become a tradition?

Here are some pictures I wanted to share.
August 2009

August 2010

August 2011

Wow my baby has grown. Don't get me wrong I love this stage very much. I love how she interacts with us and has things that she loves but I miss her being such a little baby too...sigh I guess it is all a part of growing up.

PS Janet to answer your question no the man in the picture from the previous post was Jim Dear (La-La's boy friend). He does look very similar to Gerard. Anna loves him very much. Since Gerard has been off from work La-La and Jim Dear hve not been around as much because Gerard has Anna when I work. So when they are over she loves to snuggle up to both of them.

Post Irene

2011-08-28T13:15:00.000-07:00

Well we made it through the hurricane with minimal damage mostly just landscaping. Gerard's precious trees are a wee bit up rooted. Today he is busy fixing them. None of our houses substained any damage and our boats faired well.

Wayne (La-La and Me-Me's dad) and Jim Dear are home after a long night on the Searcher II. JimDear told us that he had the best seat in the house for the storm. Both the Doris IV, Searcher II and the dock all faired well. When Jim Dear got to the house Anna was very excited and made him sit right down and watch Sleeping Beauty.
Anna was a little confused when everyone said they were staying. She thought they were all going to sleep in our bed with us.

Hans was so excited this morning watching the big bucket trucks parked across the street from his house.
Thank you all for your prayers.

Hurricane Irene preparations **pictures added

2011-08-27T05:29:00.000-07:00

Hurricane Irene preparations started yesterday for us. My nieces and I did the shopping for the needed supplies which was actually quite fun. Me-Me has taken up couponing and we saved over 100 dollars between sales and coupons.

Our parents and Gerard's Aunt have been evacuated because of the potential risk of flooding because they live on the water. Gerard has been very busy picking up the yards. La-La picked up at my Mother's yard so that was a big help.

Gerard will stay at the house on the water to watch the boats and to be there if a windows get broken. In my house will be our parents, Aunt Nel, La-La Anna and I will be at our house because we are located about 3 houses outside the evacuation area.

Jim Dear (La-La's boyfriend) will be manning the Searcher II with La-La and Me-Me's Dad. Both the girls are scared for them. Me-Me and La-La's uncles will be manning the Doris Mae IV. These are big charter fishing boats and their livelihood. Keeping these boats safe is of major importance to our family. La-La and Me-Me are a little nervous about this because they never remember their father doing this but I do. Prayers for their safety are appreciated.

The heavy rain has not started here but the beautiful blue sky and puffy white clouds from yesterday are gone and replaced with a light sprinkle of rain. Anna told me "I can't like a storm" and she is right. I am so fortunate that I am not working because I would be stuck there for days.

The plans are for perhaps making some cookies this afternoon and some sauce with Aunt Nel. I purchased the economy size box of Play-doh so I am sure we will have enough to do to keep Anna busy. We moved Anna's sand table to the garage so Anna will be able to play there too.

We are ready and hopeful that the damage will be minor.

**Just added a few pictures from before the storm.

I may be...

2011-08-23T14:01:00.000-07:00

The only one in Manhattan that did not feel the earthquake. I have had a very busy week between working and running to doctor appointments. I still have 2 more nights of work before I get a day off so hopefully I can keep up this pace. Everything seems okay. I have so much that I feel like I need to write down. I hope to get caught up soon.

PS Mrs. Elaine no I did not make the dress Anna. Actually this was Anna baptism dress. Yes I think it is beautiful too.

Sunflowers and random stuff.

2011-08-17T11:10:00.000-07:00

A while back I wrote about the link between Russian history and sunflowers. Well one of our sunflowers has bloomed and I could not resist cutting it down to take pictures of Anna. These are not some of my favorite pictures of Anna but cute all the same. She has taken up whining, so we are working on not giving in when she whines. I am not sure where this is coming from but my hope is that this is just a very short phase she is going through right now.

My hope is to get a few pictures of her at the one room school house like I have the past 2 years. I love now and then pictures because you can really see just how much she has grown. Speaking of growth, she is getting so tall. We realized it the other day when she was riding her bike. We may even have to push the seat back some to accommodate her legs. She is still tiny and fits mostly into size 18 month or 2T shorts but no way will she fit into the 2t pants. I guess that is what happens when you start growing up.

Gerard surprised us this past weekend with a trip to our local Russian food store. I believe this is the first time Gerard has been to one with us. The store is about an hour away but I have had difficulty finding it. I know it is because the shopping plaza is small and that stretch of the road is usually very busy. I have driven past it a couple of times. We went on a Sunday which was really nice because initially we were the only ones in the store. When I told them my daughter was Russian they smiled. I told them how I was missing Russia and they laughed at me. We got to talking and they understood why I felt that way because Russia gave me such a gift.

We had been shopping and looking at all the different things in the store. A Russian couple came into the store. I heard the gentle man remark that we were Americans and he looked a little annoyed. I guess I should be offended but I just could not help but giggle to myself. I am pretty sure that I have never been referred to as an American while in the United States like he referred to me.

Gerard LOVES cookies. There are very few cookies that he does not like. As I was taking he was shopping. I love when he embraces the Russian culture like this. I think because he did not travel with me that connection is missing for him. If I can enhance that connection through cookies I will do what is necessary.

I bought some pickles as I always do when I am in a Russian food store. I also bought some pickles tomatoes, hopefully that will taste close to the ones I remember. We also bought some candy which Anna loves. I love knowing that in about an hours drive I can hear Russian accents and taste a little bit of Russia. We are so lucky.

I have a Russian friend at work who laughs when I say I want her to come to my house and teach me to cook. I am sure she thinks I am joking even though I am not. I will convince her one day. I also asked if I could video tape her reading some of the Russian stories I have for Anna. Perhaps she will let me share them on the blog as well.

Shhhh...

2011-08-11T05:08:00.000-07:00

Baby sister is sleeping. This is what Anna told us the other day referring to her baby doll. Anna has this really neat old fashion baby doll stroller that up until now has been a place to hold the too numerous to count stuff animals. I am not a fan of stuffed animals but she has seemed to acquire a number of them.

Usually she is trying a string around one of their necks and walking them like a puppy. For now we are going to be a puppy free household. As much as I loved Dottie and still miss her I want to wait a little bit longer before we get a puppy.

Anna also has a baby doll that she got a couple of years ago for Christmas. Did I just say a couple of years ago in relation to my daughter...that sounded very nice. Back to the story, Anna diapered and wrapped the baby and put her in the stroller. I watched her walk her around the room and then stand in place and push the stroller back and forth. The whole time she was telling the baby "It okay baby, go to sleep, Anna here."

Gerard and I were talking loud I guess, after all we are loud talkers...well at least I am and that is when she turned around to us and said "Shhhh Baby sister sleeping" and walked away. It was all I could do to restrain my self for laughing so instead I walked over to her and we changed the baby's diaper together, rocked her and put her back to sleep. What was even sweeter was then she crawled into my arms and told me that she was my baby. I held and rocked her for awhile. What a wonderful, sensitive little girl she is becoming.

I'm not sure...

2011-08-09T01:59:00.000-07:00

Who is more excited about our Disney trip. Now that Anna is a little older and her speech has developed more her communication skills are growing too. It am sure it is no secret but I start to sweat every time I take Anna out. When she acts up I feel every eye in the room on me. Honestly, I could never imagine having two children. Come to think about it I am not sure I have ever taken Anna and Hans out together alone. Anna is a wonderful child but she can be a handful. I have learned that she has more behavior issues for me then anyone else.

I think our trip to Disney is going to be a good one for a couple of reasons. Anna and I have been talking about it a lot and I have been using this time to talk to her about her behavior. We talk about listening ears, holding hands, little voices (speaking quietly) and restaurant behavior. Anna has come a long way in so many areas but one of the hardest things for Anna is sitting at a restaurant. She will wear me like a cheap suit. Mostly she sits on my lap and wiggles 70% of the time. Puzzles are sent from heaven in a restaurant so I will be sure to pack at least 2 of them. On my last long vacation with her we rented a house so this was not a problem this time we will be in a hotel the entire stay and eating out for an entire week.

I know our talks are getting through to her because yesterday at the beach she told Papa that he had to have good behavior to go the Disney. She also told him that he needed to make sure he listened to Grammy and to put his listening ears on. So she is absorbing what we are talking about which is great.

I am sure that I am just pre-sweating because Gerard is confident that she will be just fine. I think life is a teaching opportunity. I can not expect Anna to behave well if we have not taught her to do so. The next couple of weeks will be filled with excitement and some lessons on too.

So why am I up so early in the morning? Well the excitement got the best of me. Earlier in the week I had picked up some stickers and a 12x12 piece of card stock. I wanted to make a count down calendar for our trip to Disney. This morning I woke up tossed and turned a bit and decided to put the calendar together instead.

I have always wanted to be that type of Mom that does stuff like this for my children. I feel so lucky to called Anna's Momma. I feel even luckier that she likes this kind of stuff too.

Here is what I made

I got cute little stickers to mark off the days too.

I'm FINISHED!

2011-08-08T04:39:00.001-07:00

Well this morning marked the completion of my first two classes towards my MSN-Nurse Practitioner degree. Did you hear that? It was a big sigh of relief. Thirteen more classes to go. I am one of those nerds that NEEDS to get an A. I know it is a little crazy and the point is did you learn something from the class but I do still need that A.

I believe that in both classes I will receive an A so I feel like I can breath again, at least until I start my next class on August 29th. This time I decided to take only one class. I like the idea of not being stressed out and still having time for the things that are really important in life, mainly Anna and Gerard. I am not so patiently waiting for my books to arrive because I would love to get a jump on the reading. The next couple of days I hope to spend at the beach with Anna, maybe even take a drive somewhere but we are playing it by ear.

Talking about our up coming trip to Disney has been a big part of our daily talks. Anna is so super excited. I feel like we were there just yesterday. I will not lie I am tempted to plan another trip for March or April but I want to wait to see what happens with my Tax return first.

So that is my quick boring update.

But I NEED it!

2011-08-04T12:45:00.000-07:00

We have been hearing a lot of this lately in our house. I have been trying to talk to her about the differences between the things that she NEEDS and the things that she wants. It is safe to say that she does not have the concept down yet but we will continue to work on it.

I however am having a difficult time keeping a straight face when she starts with "I NEED it" so when she starts I giggle and then I repeat it back to her. If she is crying for whining for what she NEEDS it usually stops and we just end up fooling around. I would say that 90% of the time she forgets what it is that she NEEDS so desperately so I think it is working.

First off let me set the situation up. I really do not like ice cream. Shocking I know but there is something with the smell of it that usually turns me off about it. I do like coffee ice cream even though I do not really drink coffee. Usually we do not have ice cream in the house, pretty much never. I have a small refridator by choice (I wanted more cabinets) so the freezer is small and ice cream does not make the cut for the small space I have in there so no ice cream in the house.

Gerard is a bit of an ice cream junky. Funny but he can not pass a Dairy Queen without stopping. Rita's water ice are even higher on the list. I realized he had a Rita's water ice problem when we started showing up on opening day and of course on the last day for the season. I realized he had a big problem with Rita's water ice when we started to alternate between two in our area.

Gerard's addiction to Rita's water ice is one I will happily accept. For those outside the country who do not know what a Rita's water ice is here is a link, honest just frozen yogurt. One Rita's water ice is just on the side of the road. The other one is next to a lake with geese to chase and a park. Hmmm which do you think Anna likes best?

So I left for work last night, Anna was ready for bed and looking a little tired after a day at the beach. I thought great perhaps this will be an early night for her. Anna needs her sleep, preferably 10-12 hours every night. Yes she sleeps that much at night and soundly.

So last night Gerard put her to bed and went to bed himself. I got a message with a picture at about 8:45 pm of Anna eating Rita's water ice. Apparently, she fell asleep but woke up, wandered out of the bedroom to find Gerard. She woke him up to tell him " Wake up Dada, go Dada truck now, I NEED cream (that is what she calls ice cream), red one, park, swings, that cream. I NEED it!"

Not wanting to say no mostly because I am sure now he NEEDED cream too off they went to Rita's. I guess Gerard and I will have to have a talk about the things Anna NEEDS.

This story made me smile because she knew that she could wake him for anything, even ice cream. Even though I do not think either of them really NEEDED it I am so happy that they went and got it. I am reminded every day how lucky I am to have both of them in my life. They really know how to make me smile.

Has it really been 2 years?

2011-08-01T13:03:00.000-07:00

Two years ago yesterday I stood in a court room in Russia in a 100 degree weather in a dress with stockings on. I explained how a little girl who I had only met 3 times for a little over an hour each time was so special to me. I stated my case, worried and waited for the decision. I have no idea what I would have done if the judge decided against my petition to adopt Anna. Just writing those words makes me a little teary eyed.

I only thought I loved her then. My love for this little girl has only grown and grown. This past weekend I had to work. My sister who lives a couple hours away was having a party with a bunch of kids so I agreed to let my other sister take her. She had a blast on the water slide and just being with her cousins.

After she left Gerard and I just looked at each other a little lost. The house was too quiet. We missed her so much. I was lucky because I was able to get a bunch of homework done so that is a blessing.

Today she spent the day with Gerard and her Grandparents. I have some more homework I want to finish as soon as possible. One test and one major paper and I will have two classes done. I have 13 more classes to go unless I decide to obtain my Nurse Educator certificate. If I decide on that then it will be another 4 classes.

I am a little torn about the Nurse Educator certificate or perhaps I will go for a PhD in Nursing instead with a focus in Nursing education. I still have time to decide.

We may decide to celebrate a little tonight or we may decide to wait until the 2 year mark of her being home. I just can not imagine life without her. I am so lucky to have her in my life.

Me after court

Me leaving for the Moscow airport for my final trip home without Anna

I am not sure why I never posted these pictures before but here they are. I can not believe it has been two years. Time really does fly.

Adoption Tax credit...now I am mad

2011-07-28T07:37:00.000-07:00

First off let me extend a big heart felt thank you to everyone who commented about my Mother and also to those who said a quick prayer for her. My Mother does read the blog and is blown away by you all. She has spent the last week with my sister Jackie mostly playing with her children. I expect her home tonight to prepare for our trip tomorrow.

I am not sure if it is because of the other life changing events in my life right now but now I am mad. Yesterday I made the decision to call about my refund. No this is the first time I have called. Yes, shame on me for not calling the minute that I got the first letter. Never did I think that it would take this long to get my refund back.

The letter I got a couple of weeks ago stated that there would be a decision about my refund by August 1, 2011. I read the letter to the tax advisor and he looked up my information. What were the results? No one has even begun to look at my information. His best estimate was that my case will not be seen for at least another 3-4 weeks. My return will not be processed for at least another 2-3 weeks after my case is closed.

Yes, I have now called the tax advocate and I am awaiting a return phone call. I guess I am just mad that I have practice patience and given the IRS the benefit of the doubt that they were working on this matter. Mark me down as being wrong. I guess I am just mad at the principle of the matter. Why send a letter saying I will hear something when in fact this is not the case? I guess I am just frustrated. Sorry to vent.

Shock and Disbelief

2011-07-26T14:07:00.001-07:00

Thursday I got a call from my Mother. She was at work and not feeling well. She said she was feeling a little dizzy. My niece Jaime offered to pick her up if I watched Hans. She decided to go to the walk in clinic because she was sure it was an ear infection.

Once she was seen by the doctor they called me. The doctor and I discussed her medical history and the need for some blood work. It has been hot as heck here and there was a chance she was dehydrated. The final decision was to send her to the Emergency room to be further evaluated. Jaime drove her there and called me. She told me she did not feel right just leaving her there but she had school in an hour. I told her I was getting the kids ready and we were going to be there shortly it was fine to leave her. The hospital is less then 5 miles from my house and I know a some of people who work in the ER.

Gerard took Anna to the park, I took Hans to the ER. Hans was such a good boy sitting in my big pink stroller as we waited. I know from experience how long certain things take. My Mother's nurse was an old friend of my Mother's from years back. I knew something was up by the look on her face when my mother told her she would be going home soon after all they do not keep you for an ear infection...right! The color drained from Deb's face and I did not see her again for close to an hour.

Just at the time when my Mother was getting antsy the ER doctor came to the bed side. I am pretty sure that if I was not a nurse I would have missed what she was saying because I know my Mother did.

The doctor told my Mother you have a tumor on your skull. You should get that checked out right away. You are discharged.

Now in defense of the ER doctor I am pretty sure that she hated telling my Mother this news but man was her delivery off. Since then the delivery of the news has been a high note. We have laughed ourselves into tears and then laughed again.

Friday I spent my day calling her doctor at Sloan-Kettering who was on vacation. We were set up to see the doctor for today except he wanted her to have a MRI prior to us seeing him. This saves me a trip so I am thankful for this plan. I did get to speak to him at length yesterday.

After a little research I believe this is something that we will have treated with radiation therapy unless there is something more cutting edge that is being done at Sloan-Kettering. Friday I popped into the Radiation Oncology building to take down their contact information. If radiation is what she needs that will be done in our home town because of the inconvenience it would be to do it else where.

God knew that we needed some peace of mind. When I walked into the build the radiation oncologist overhead me talking to the receptionist about my mother. He called me over and pulled up her CT scan for me. We had an informal consultation. He made us feel better about the news. This doctor has worked closely in the past with the doctors from Sloan-Kettering so we are comfortable with having them do her radiation treatments if that is what Sloan-Kettering recommends.

Here is he situation; this could be a metastatic lesion from her lung or breast cancer, Paget's disease or a new cancer elsewhere in the body. The plan for now is that Friday we will travel to Sloan-Kettering for at least one maybe two scans and a visit with her doctor. I have my suspicions as to which it is. I belive there will be a biopsy in the near future of her skull.

So how is my Mother? She is mostly shocked, scared and sad. She thought she was nearing the end of her trips to Sloan-Kettering. They were getting easier to make and less frequent. She is acting strong but I can tell she is very upset.

With her getting sick so close to Anna coming home it limited so much of what she could do to help. This summer she started to take her for a couple of overnights when I worked to give Gerard some free time. She was enjoying being a Nanny again and just being able to focus on her grandchildren rather then doctor appointments. Even I broke down and started to cry. Mostly because of the unknown factor that we are facing.

For the most part we are all shocked. I think it gets a little harder every time you hear the word cancer. You would think it would get easier but it does not.

The type of lesion that my Mother has can be associated with breast and lung cancer as well as other types of cancer.

Adoption Tax credit...sigh

2011-07-24T12:43:00.000-07:00

Well it has been months since I filed my taxes. I am pretty sure it was March. I felt a rush of excitement when I saw what I was expected to receive in my tax return. My thoughts quickly went to the credit card debt that I had accumulated for my travels to Russia. My imagination got even crazier. This would mark the first time that I might actually be able to realistically go part time.

I know working 3 days a week does not sound like much to many but the hours away from Anna are even harder now that she is attached. Many nights even on ones where I do not have to work I am asked if I am leaving. She just needs me here with her, she needs to know that I am right there if she needs me.

The spring was crazy, I had already decided back in January that we would be going to Disney for Anna's birthday. I knew that paying for this trip was not going to be a big deal because of the adoption tax credit...sigh. I love when things are stress free. I have lived many different ways in my life. At times I had more debt then I ever could have imagined but somehow I paid it all off. While waiting for Anna to come home I got used to having more money in the bank. By far that is the most comfortable feeling I have ever had as an adult.

My hopes of dropping down to part time were dashed when Gerard was laid off. Still months later I am waiting for my tax return like so many who have adopted right along with me. I have received the letters saying that it is delayed, it is being reviewed. I even got a letter saying I will hear something by August if they are not too busy.

At first I was mad. I wanted my money. I wanted to have this little bit of debt paid off. I wanted to be able to easily plan summer vacations and think about Anna's up coming birthday and just have that feeling back of having a little bit of money in the bank.

Then I became more mad realizing that my hopes for dropping to part time were gone. I will not lie, I yelled at Gerard once because he complained about being home and not being able to go to a job. I told him I had wished it was me who was laid off...sigh. I guess the reality is those plans were not meant to be.

If I had gotten the refund back in April I could be in a situation that is much worst with Gerard being laid off and me only working part time. The delay in the tax refund was God's plan for us. I admit today it was a better plan then putting in a pool or spending money on a couple of vacations. When and if I get the refund I think I will take the money and thoroughly think through what is the best decisions for our family.

I feel like it will still be awhile before I see my refund, if I see it at all. My feelings of being mad are gone and replaced with feelings of happiness because we are able to still live a very good life without the return. I do still yearn to be part time and hope that one day I will be able to do just that. For today I am happy I have a job to go to and that Gerard is able to care for Anna so well in my absence.

I am choosing to end my vacation early because I needed Tuesday off. I can not thank Lynn enough for our 4am conversation and her agreeing to switch with me. More on that on Tuesday mostly because I am having a hard time writing about what is on the horizon for us.

I love this whole place

2011-07-21T23:09:00.000-07:00

Wednesday we decided to take Anna and Hans to Morey's Pier in Wildwood for the day. I remember going there a number of years ago with my nephew for his birthday. I really liked it then but this time I LOVED it. The drive was about an hour from our home. I consider ourselves very lucky because we actually do live in a spot where others choose to vacation. Within an hours ride are 5 boardwalks with lots to do for all ages. One boardwalk (Ocean City) is very family friendly because the town is an alcohol free town which today is very unusual.

AM (Gerard's sister), Gerard, Greg, Lil Joy, Jaime and I packed up the cars for the trip. Thanks to Jaime's new love of couponing we got a steal of a deal. We purchased admission to 3 water parks and 3 amusement piers for the cost of only 30 dollars per person. I know that sounds like a lot but the cost would have been almost double without the coupon.

We kept telling Anna that we had something really special planned for the day. On our drive into Wildwood the attractions caught her eye and she exclaimed from the back seat "I love this place...I love this whole place!" Before I let her out of the car seat I had a talk with her about keeping her listening ears on for us because where we were going was very busy. Well because the day was overcast or should I say thick with fog all day long the crowds were pretty small. We got so lucky.

I fear Gerard and I are becoming helicopter parents. I felt an internal freak out when I could not see Anna or Hans. Mind you we were 3 adults per child but I left feeling like was just the right number of adults. I am not sure whether or not it is because I am older or a parent or just used to counting heads in the nursery at work but I found myself wondering why more adults were not closer to their children?

Here is what shocked me, when we entered the park Anna listened to every direction I gave her. Usually I have to chase her down to put on the sun block instead she stood there perfectly still while I applied it. She held hands without a fight but most importantly she stayed close by one of us. Anna and Hans had so much fun jumping in the water and going down the slides. Anna is a bit of a dare devil and so is Hans.

Here is another little know fact about Gerard and I, we have never been to an amusement park together. I love them, he dislikes them so we just never went as a couple before. We have never spent that much time on a boardwalk together either which when I pointed this out to him I was told I was wrong even though I know I am right. Better to not fight about the silly stuff I always say. I did have to giggle a little bit when Gerard started talking about the next time we bring Anna to the boardwalk like that is something we have always done.

Towards the end of the day I had had my fill of boardwalk food. The pizza was pretty good, the fries with vinegar were better but the fried Reese cups now they were the best thing I had tasted all day. Can you believe that they fry Reese cups? Gerard walked all the way back to the other pier to get us some. He did consider buying the fried pickle also but decided that it was not a good combination.

Believe it or not I did not talk any pictures. I am waiting for Jaime to download her pictures so that I can have them too. I have a few short videos of Anna on a couple of rides but there are other children in them that I do not know so I do not think it is fair to post them. I am pretty sure I would not like that so I am trying to be considerate.

I need to write an entry about my adoption tax credit so maybe this weekend I will get around to it but I have more pressing things on my mind tonight. For now I am going to ask you to say a prayer for my Mother, she really needs it right now, more on that next week. I hope to have some real answers then.

My bed is calling my name and I am praying that sleep will come to me quickly.

One chapter closes and another opens

2011-07-19T04:03:00.000-07:00

Endings can be sad and one some level my heart a little sad mostly because hitting this milestone means my baby is growing up. I eluded earlier this week that this was a big week for us and it is. Yesterday marked the day that Anna was home with us longer then she was in the orphanage. I have had this day marked on my calender for over a year. At times I was painfully aware that my daughter had spent more time with others then me, happily I can no longer say that this is so.

Yesterday when I told Anna that this was a special day she looked at me, laughed and continued playing. At times when I was waiting I never thought this day would come. In the past 2 months time has been flying by. I am so glad that I made the decision to stay home for this vacation.

So what did we do to celebrate? Beach of course. Anna when to bed the night before asking or should I say crying to go to the beach. When she woke up the first thing out of her mouth after "Me-me loves Hans back a moon, Greg too" was "beach go there, Hans, Me-me, Papa, Grammy, Mamma....." She proceeded to name everyone in the family which was so sweet some she named twice but she did not miss a single one. This tells me that Anna has really bonded and attached to the family. This was of course something that I had worried about for a long time but Anna knows who loves her and who she loves.

Off to the beach we went. I packed the car while Gerard played with Anna. I realized that my umbrella was broken so plans were made with Jaime to buy a new one. I missed buying my beach badges before the season opened which will not happen again next year because WOW what a price difference, 70 dollars for 2 badges. I better make good use of them this year.

Papa and Grammy met us at the beach, actually the bay beach. The Jersey shore is beautiful and I love swimming in the waves but the surf is too unpredictable for Hans and Anna. For us to go on the ocean side the conditions must be just right, very little wind and low tide.

Anna loves her Papa very much. When she saw him she bolted straight for him. Off came her cover up and then he was immediately dragged to the water. Go thing they got there first and were set up. I did manage a few pictures until Anna told me "No pictures just water." So the camera got put away for a little bit.

That is Papa waiting for Anna in the water in the background.

"Come on Papa" Papa never gets a break!

After close to 4 hours at the beach Jaime and I carried two crying babies off the beach because they were not quite done. Anna fell asleep before we left the parking lot. She then slept for close to 2 hours (5pm to 7pm), I woke her up because we had dinner plans. Gerard and I decided to try a relatively new restaurant up the street which was nice.

Anna was sitting on my bed watching me get ready to go to dinner and she asked "Mamma leaving?" I assured her that she was coming too. I am so amazed by how much she gets and the things that she notices. I wonder how much she remembers of her time in the orphanage that she just can not verbalize yet. I forced Gerard into a family photo which turned out pretty good. I also took this one for the blog. I think it is so funny that Anna never smiles for the camera unless she sees the persons face behind the camera.

For dinner Gerard had stuffed flounder and we had Alaskan king crab legs. Anna loves crab and I think that is so funny.

I wonder if her birth mother in Russia has had the same date marked on her calender? I want to believe that she does and that she misses Anna as much as I do when I am not with her. I am sure there is not a day that passes that she does not think about Anna. I wish today it was possible to let her know Anna is okay and doing well.

So that is it one chapter has ended and another has started.

Anna riding her bike out side for the first time

2011-07-18T07:19:00.000-07:00

We had dinner with Grammy and Papa last night at their house. On our way out the door Anna saw a little girl riding her bike down the street. Anna got so excited that she pulled out her bike from Papa and Grammy's down stairs room and brought it straight to the front door.

She has been practicing with Papa in the downstairs. They even practice stopping to pay a toll. Which is pretty funny if you have ever been to New Jersey that is all we ever do here.

I wanted to post this quick because we are off to the beach.

Rush, rush, rush

2011-07-15T23:15:00.000-07:00

I feel like some days there is not nearly enough hours in the day. This past week in particular I have felt nothing but rushed. The way my schedule has been falling with working the two jobs is three in a row. Two twelve hour shifts and one eight hour shift to be exact. At my regular full time job we have been so busy that I have been getting out late pretty much everyday. This is particularly unusual for me because I do LOVE leaving work on time. I have about a 35-40 minute commute so that is another reason why I dislike leaving work late. If I time it right Anna is usually still asleep when I get home.

I am not sure if I feel less urgency to get out on time knowing that Gerard is home with Anna or what it is but I vow to get out on time every morning I can. Add in school work and house work and I feel exhausted. Thankfully my classes are coming to an end. I love being on the downward slide and wrapping it all up. Next trimester I will be down to one class and Anna will be in school full time so I think it may feel a little easier in a couple of weeks.

At the being of the year I planned out my vacations like I usually do. I like having them planned in advance mostly because I like to spread my time off evenly throughout the year. Usually I average a week off every month. For the last couple of months I have had different things crop up in the middle of my vacations that have made them feel rushed. Yesterday I started my summer vacation a lovely 12 days off. My schedule will be very tight when I go back to work as I will be working 5 out of 6 days. I know it does not sound like a lot but it is 56 hours not counting the commute.

Which browse.vs me to Anna, in the past week when she has been out with Gerard while I sleep or do homework she has been asking for me a lot. I breaks my heart to hear her tell me "I need you, mamma" so I decided that this vacation is all hers. I want to spend as much time as possible with her. Quality time, not me picking up the house or read a research study while she plays but time just having fun with her.

Gerard and I have agreed that I will use the mornings to do some school work but by noon the books all get closed. This is a very special week coming up for us. I am toying with the idea of packing up and heading out of town for a couple of days. I am trying to resist this because I have other plans for the money that I would spend, more on that later this week perhaps.

For the next couple of days I have decided we are not going to rush anywhere to do anything.

Anna horsing around.

2011-07-07T04:53:00.000-07:00

Here is another cute video of Anna horsing around. She LOVES horses and I hope to be able to start her in riding classes as soon as she is old enough. We are lucky because we have a riding school right here in town.

PS Yes I am still in my night gown...Sorry.

A video...finally!

2011-07-06T04:25:00.000-07:00

How many years has it been since I started blogging? A couple is the answer. How many videos of Anna have I put up on the blog? None is the answer. Hopefully that will change. I love my new phone is does everything including video. I think I have finally figured out how to put download a video from my phone to YouTube to post to Blogger.

This was a very short video that I took on our way home from the museum in Washington D.C. We had played with Jolynn, Rich and Jacob most of the afternoon.

So this morning as I was playing the video Anna actually answered the questtions that I was asking in the video. Poor thing is tired and does not want o get up for school.

When I read blogs or comments I insert in my head what I think you all sound like. Do I sound like what you thought I would sound like?

Photos submitted!

2011-06-30T03:34:00.000-07:00

I can hardly believe that next week I will be completing my third of the four Post Placement Reports required by Russia. The other day I submitted the pictures to my adoption agency and now I am just mapping out when I will be able to get a final deep cleaning done prior to my visit.

I know that having a spotless house is not what Christine my Social worker is looking for but I feel out of respect that it should be clean and neat prior to her coming. I am sure that I am not alone. Last year I felt a little ambivalent about my visit. This year everything feels different. Amazing how different a person can feel in just one year.

I had a hard time picking pictures as usual for the report. How does one pick 10 pictures to describe entire year? I love them all but I know this is part of Anna's permanent record in Russia so I want to make sure that they really focus on Anna. Russian are funny they are less amused by pictures of people smiling then we are in the United States.

She sure has grown. I pulled out my photobooks yesterday for my sister Jenny to look through. Prior to this summer she had only met Anna about 3 times because of her line of work. I loved going through the pictures and explaining them. I did feel a little sad for those family members who have not made it a priority to be in Anna's life. Who knows what this year will bring. Last year was so different perhaps this coming year will bring my family closer together.

You never know who you might meet!

2011-06-27T05:38:00.000-07:00

Anna and my Mother
Where I live there is a local theater called Surflight. Here is a little know fact about me I used to sing and act. Not as much as my sister but I held my own. Last year Surflight was in financial trouble and almost closed its doors forever. I promised myself last year that if they were still open this year that I would take Anna to see at least one play.

The season has just opened for them and I was reminded that they have a children's theater so I took a look at the schedule. To my surprise there were a couple of plays that I thought Anna would enjoy. I had thought about taking Anna to see Lion King this summer but I do think she is still a little young for that trip. As luck would have it I was off last night and Sleeping Beauty was playing so yesterday morning I got out my debt card and purchased 3 tickets.

Anna loved the play. In my opinion it was a less scary version of the story which was very nice. The actors and actresses were all young which was so nice to see. As we waited for the play to start there was a young girl in front of us who was super excited because her younger sister was acting in the play. She watched the show with such enthusiasm. All I could think was how sweet she was being there for her younger sister.

We got to talking as I usually always do if there is a random stranger in a five foot radius of me as Gerard would say and low and behold she was an actual, honest to goodness star. Yup, we sat and watched the performance with the young girl who is the voice of the KoKo from the children's show Chuggington. Here is the write up about her in my local newspaper.

Brigid Harrington's Facebook page.
When my sisters and I were younger we were in a drama club called Our Gang Drama. It was a fun activity. As we were talking I told her about how I was in the first version of Christmas Under the Sea. A play written by the director of Our Gang Drama, Sherry. Funny I remember my sister was a mermaid and my other was a starfish but for the life of me I can not remember what I was. The actors and actresses in the play did such a wonderful job that I have pulled out my master schedule book and will be buying up some tickets for other performances.

Brigid Harrington also is appearing on Broadway in the musical Mary Poppins. Perhaps I will talk my one sister into going with me, that was her favorite play.

Anna watched the play with such emotion. When the "Bad lady" as she called her was on I could feel her tense up. She sat on my lap the whole time. I know she loved it. When the "Bad lady" left the stage she told me it was 'Okay'. During the curtain call Anna yelled and clapped for everyone except the "Bad Lady" She put her hands down on her lap and waited. Anna even mustered up the nerve to ask he "Bad Lady" for an autograph, who by the way was a very nice lady.

After the show they all signed autographs and me being the ill prepared and haphazard person who I am according to Gerard had nothing for them to sign. A little quick thinking and I had them all sign her ticket. Anna LOVED Prince Philip. He was her favorite of course.

What a wonderful night! Here are all the future stars.

"Bad Lady" in case you were wondering

This is Brigid Harrington little sister, a star in the making

June and Ward Cleaver do not live here

2011-06-25T05:56:00.000-07:00

June Cleaver
Not June Cleaver and Not the Beaver

Ward Cleaver
Not Ward Cleaver

About two weeks ago one of my blogger friends Amy suggested that we all tell the real story. I think most of us may not want to admit it but attachment and bonding can be very hard. Most of what I have seen is about the child not attaching to the parent but in fact the phenomena of a parent not attaching to a child also exists.

Why write about this now? I was directed by a friend to read another blog where a woman who had been struggling was coming clean. I felt sad for her that she may have thought she was alone. True Anna, Gerard and I seem to not really have had any problem with attachment but this is not the whole truth. Anna and Gerard attached seamlessly from the first day she was home. Gerard opened his heart and she ran right for it. For me on the other hand the attachment process was much slower. When I say it that way I really mean only me.

I think for us many different factors played a big part in the delay of me attaching to Anna. First off those first two weeks I was bombarded with visitors. I never got a full week to establish any type of routine. Rules that I asked certain family members to follow were ignored. This added to my inner frustration. When I approached these individuals I was told "You should give it some time" or "No that is not the case at all." In all honesty that was exactly what I was asking for but was not given.

A few weeks later I learned my Mother had lung cancer that was misdiagnosed for over 3 years. I went from trying to open up to my daughter to strict survival mode which can be perceived as cold and clinical. My maternity leave was fulled with trips to NYC multiple times in a week that lasted 12-14 hours. I can remember waiting in the waiting room and not even thinking if I should check on Anna which was the first realization that the problem was mine not hers.

On some level I am no different then a care taker in one of the baby homes. As a nursery nurse I have a level of immunity to hearing a baby cry. At times I manage the care of 8 newborns. Because of this stressful environment there are many times when a child cries but after 13 years I have a level on conditioning that allows me to continuously prioritize the care of those infants. Holding and cuddling is not my number one concern, knowing they are breathing, hearts are beating and that they are fed is my number one concern. The infants that I care for are usually all dressed in the same white tee shirt with a ducky blanket in my mind there is little differences between them.

I knew before Anna came home that attachment was going to be difficult for me. I had long conversations about this with Gerard. Everything that I learned about attachment I told him. Everything that I asked him to do he did. Gerard was a blessing for Anna and I.

Anna was not a good eater or sleeper which compounded the problem for me. From the minute I came home with her I started the count down clock for when I would have to go back to work. With my Mother's new illness more uncertainty was added. Which meant more stress for me. She was the one who was going to care for Anna while Gerard and I worked. This equalled more stress. Thank goodness La-La had moved back home she was also a blessing.

Me-Me and Hans would come over to play. This provided Anna with a healthy Mother-baby relationship to mirror. Me-Me was too busy caring for Hans to know that she was helping us too. What a blessing.

The stress of our first set of holidays added to my stress. I had only had been back to work for a couple of weeks and my Mother was still quite fragile. There were many times when I first went back to work that I missed more sleep then I should have. Many times I was up for over 24 hours at a time. Christmas Eve was one of those nights.

Losing the dream of how your first Christmas will be was very hard for me. Some family members understood while a few did not and rather then making it easier for us they added to the problem by placing demands on us that were very unrealistic. Even this past year I experienced hurt when gifts were given with a mean spirit attached. I received a book on how to become a happy person. This year will be different no gift giving will occur between the adults. I admit to being human and I held on to some of these disappointments but with each day I do try to let go and forgive.

So what did I do? I acknowledged that I might have Post Adoption Depression. I told Gerard. He made sure that we stayed safe. He made sure that I got the rest that I needed. I distanced myself from those that I felt were causing issues for me. Gerard and I decided that he needed to take Anna a couple of times a week so that I had some free time. He spends most of this time taking Anna to see his parents which is wonderful for Anna and them. He also makes his rounds with Anna to see my Mother too.

Pictures! For me this was the biggest thing that helped me. I took lots of pictures of Anna. In her bedroom I have a picture board that I update regularly. Seeing Anna's pictures everywhere helped to picture her in my life. My friends, I am sure thought I was a little crazy but at work I would walk in and out would come a picture book of Anna so even when I was away from her I was able to see her pictures.

I think for us the biggest break through was when Anna started to sleep better. This did not happen for a couple of months. Anna requires at least 12 hours of sleep a day.

Becoming a Momma later in life I was more set in my ways in my opinion. Not only did I not have the dream of being the perfect Momma I did not have my old life either. Not that I wanted my old life back but I did grieve the loss of it.

Please understand this was all me, Anna transitioned better then I ever would have imagined. I am not sure that we would have made the progress that we have made if Anna had attachment issues. For cases where both the parent and the child have attachment issues I can only imagine the heart break.

Our attachment issues were very mild in my opinion although because it was happening to me it felt devastating and severe. Blogging helped me. Telling funny stories about our day to day life helped me. Knowing that I was not alone helped me. Getting in contact with other adoptive parents helped me. Reading blogs about how others struggled helped me.

Today I can say with 100% certainty that I LOVE Anna but even more importantly I am attached and have bonded with Anna. No this did not happen over night. I also feel like Anna is attached and bonded to me.

I did consider consulting a therapist, in particular Arleta James mostly because I read a private blog where the Mother is very honest about their struggles. Arleta James has helped them to process their attachment issues.

Perspectives Press and Attachment Disorder Site are good resources for pre-adoptive and adoptive parents.

In short we are not the Cleavers. We faced many challenges and still do. You are not alone if you feel this way. There is help available if you are feeling like you might have Post Adoption Depression or attachment issues. Be proactive and be honest with a person you trust.

The Cleavers Hopefully today I will get the picture that I want of Gerard and I but he is busy cleaning the driveway...sigh.

I know you got a sneak peak at my new shutters so here are the before and after pictures.

Old faded shutters and numbers

New shutters and numbers

Gerard is planning on moving the front light to just over the numbers. I love that this little house is our home.

Summer 2011

2011-06-25T05:27:00.000-07:00

Click here to view these pictures larger

Last day of the first year of preschool

2011-06-21T05:02:00.000-07:00

Thursday was the last day of preschool. My intention was to write and publish this entry on Thursday night so that I could participate in the We are not the Cleavers movement that occurred this past Friday. Alas my best intentions were dashed. My hope is to be a week late and post something about this this Friday.

I still have not gotten a picture of the elusive Aunt Jenny even though she has been through here a couple of times in the last couple of weeks. She is pretty much my exact opposite so when La-La and Me-Me hang out with her they are always amazed that we are even related. I think it is funny. Aunt Jenny thinks I am boring and I guess maybe I am. Compared to my sisters I am the one who is the most tame. Funny I do not think of myself as boring.

Yesterday marked the half-way point of my two classes. I am on the downward slide and it feels great. I could not imagine taking both of these classes without Gerard's help. I am pretty sure it could never have happened well if he were still working. What a blessing.

Back in September I was so torn about sending Anna to preschool. Her speech was so limited. I worried how she was going to be perceived by her peers. I worried about how upset she would be when I left her there. Would she make it to her classroom? I worried about everything. Then we decided sending her would benefit her so the decision was made.
I think sending her was a good decision. Her speech has exploded. I will admit those first couple of weeks were difficult. On a couple of occasions when I greeted her at the door she would run up to me, I would pick her up, you know expected a kiss and hug but instead I received a cold hot slap across my face. The teacher's face flushed and she tried to make the situation better but I knew it was just that she was upset and did not have the words to tell me.

As time went on and I learned the names of some of the kids we would talk about them on the way to school. I would tell her that Gerard or I would be picking her up. I would tell her she was just going to play for a little bit. Getting out the door in the morning got easier. Towards the end of the year we even started to make it there on time. For the first half of the year I insisted she was to be picked up at the door by an adult and walked to class. Then I became comfortable with her walking down with a friend from her class.

For the last two months we allowed Anna to walk to the classroom alone, I was assured that adults were posted throughout the hall way to direct her. The funny thing is the first couple of times she went alone she had this look on her face of "I'm getting away with something here." I am so proud of how she has blossoming.

Anna will be going to the summer session of special education preschool due to her speech delay but we have decided to keep her home this week. We are still deciding on what our baby sitting arrangements will be for when I am sleeping during the day so that Gerard has time to interview and job search. I feel like everything is just starting to fall in place.

Here are the pictures from her end of the school year party

Now to the before and after pictures. I was surprised I was the only one taking pictures of the last day of school.

September 2010

June 2011

Here are two funny pictures from this week. The first was taken after a swim in her kiddie pool. She came in told me she was cold and put on a hat.

This one was taken as she got ready to give Gerard his Father's day kiss.

Airfare booked!

2011-06-15T14:12:00.000-07:00

Booked! What a deal I got on airfare. A couple months back Gerard and I decided we would take Anna to Disney for her birthday again this year. She has asked everyday since we came home to go back. We also decided to open the trip up to her Grandparents which has made it more exciting for her in my opinion. Every time she sees Papa she tells him "Go Florida, Mickey house" then she runs down the list of people who are going.

I had booked the hotel then I picked out the resturants which are also all booked. We are able to use points from one of Gerard's reward programs to book the van for the week. Yes, Gerard will be driving a van which goes against his personality which makes me laugh everyday. I was thinking maybe he will like it and we can trade my car in for one, sigh I am pretty sure that will not happen.

I have been watching the airfare everyday 2 and 3 times a day waiting for the right deal. Like magic yesterday I found airfare for are you ready, drum roll please...55 dollars per person, round trip, direct flight. I scrambled to book the flights, could not find my credit card in the process, thank goodness I have those numbers memorized. I know that makes me sound like a freak but success, 6 flights booked!

I have been fighting the urge to pack up and take a quick vacation but I am trying to practice self control and delayed gradification. I have started saving for our spending money and would like to save like that for all my future vacations too. The excitement here about our trip is amazing.

I did splurge on a new dress for Anna. Gerard thinks it is perfect for the plane. Anna has now decided that pig tails or as she calls them puppy dog ears are her new favortive way to wear her hair. This morning to celebrate my victory with the airfare Anna decided Mickey Mouse ears were in order.

Now I think I want to find a photographer to have professional beach pictures take of Anna with her grandparents while we are there. I also have one more big expense that I am trying to save for but only time will tell if I can make it happen.

Has it been a week? Really? Potty talk!

2011-06-13T04:13:00.000-07:00

First off thank you all for your comments about where or not to be tested. I am strongly leaning towards being tested because I am one of those people who really does not like a surprise. What a busy week we have had. I was waiting to post because I wanted to put in some new pictures of Anna but I just have not had time to up take or upload them.

We are starting to fall into a routine now that I am back to school. Gerard has been wonderful to me by taking Anna with him pretty much all the time so that I can figure out this new school. I can see that two classes is one class too many for me. Thankfully I had already decided that I only wanted to take one at a time from this point out.

Working hard in my office
(I wish I was one of those people who take a neat picture of myself)

Going to school this time around brings back so many memories of the first time I went to college. Gerard was so supportive then as he is now. I have always said without him I would never have finished my first degree.

Gerard has been on a interview that we are praying about. If you could say a little one for him I would appreciate it.

Other BIG news is I think Anna may be done with diapers! We have been working on this since about April. I am sad and happy to see my baby grow up so fast. Last August Anna had decided she was wanted to start to potty train by going into the bathroom and using the potty occasionally. Once pre-school started she wanted nothing to do with potty training. She would cry anytime I would ask so I let it go.

I have never seen the reason why so many parents rush to potty train. In honesty I believe Anna was bowel and bladder trained before she came home from the baby home which is different then being potty trained. Last August Anna did not have the speech to tell me she had to use the potty which made it more difficult. Anna had less then 50 words at 3 years of age with very little speech that was spontaneous.

Okay so back to last week, I started to put underwear on over her diaper. If she were home with me then it was just underwear. Rather then setting a timer I took her to the bathroom every time I had to go. Towards the end of the week I could see when she was starting to feel like she had to go potty so I would take her in and she would go. She has had only one accident with Gerard at his parent's house. They both decided a bath would fix the problem, then dressed and straight home to tell me about it.

Last night was the first night Anna slept without a diaper! I am so proud of her. For now she is only using the potty for my Mother, La-La, Me-Me and myself. She still refuses at school but that will come with time. Thank goodness my Mother was able to find tiny underwear.

Would you want to know?

2011-06-06T14:04:00.001-07:00

In my last post I hinted that we were given some new information about my Mother. Well it seems that because she has had three completely separate types of cancer in addition to both my parent's strong family history of cancer we were referred to a genetiasis so that my Mother can be tested for the presence of the cancer gene as the doctor put it to us.

I have been told that there only two types of cancers which are hereditary to date colon cancer and one type of breast cancer which is not the type of breast cancer that my Mother had. My Mother had dual carcinomia in situ. Here is the tricky part my Father's Mother died at 34 of bilateral breast cancer. When I told my Mother's oncologist this I could see the measure of concern that he had for me and my sisters come across his face.

The conversation went from light hearted to sober in a hot second. What I did not tell him was I have a spot that we have been watching on one of my breast for the past two years. I was not recommended at the time to see a breast surgeon but just to have follow up checks. I am sure that this is all nothing but it makes you wonder? If you could find out if you have a genetic predispostion to a type of cancer would you want to know?

If the gene is there nothing really changes I would continue on with the same screening that I normally would have done. My job now is to officially ask my sisters if they want to be screened. So far I have gotten a solid no from one sister and two "I have to think about" from other sisters. I have two more to ask and then I have to decide for myself. I have wavered back and forth about whether or not I want to be tested. Everytime I think I do not want to know I can picture the doctor's face in my head as he slowly turned around when I was reminding him of our family history and that look of concern.

He is a research oncologist so I have to wonder if he knows more then is published about the relationship of these cancer genes and certain other cancers. I suppose I will take time out of my schedule this week and make a few appointments I have been putting off. I also plan to do a little bit of research about the subject too. I believe there is also new legislation on the topic so that if I do find out and have this gene, I believe I am protected from discrimination.

Which brings me right back to my original question would you want to know if you have the cancer gene?

I felt like I was in Moscow for a minute

2011-06-02T07:30:00.000-07:00

I know that in the past 2 weeks I talked about telling others that Anna is adopted and how it sometimes upsets me. I have to say I am guilty too of telling others so I must learn to be more tolerant of my family. Lesson learned.

I have the unique opportunity to take my Mother to and from her appointments in NYC. Tuesday was one of those appointments. Just for her vaccine, these are long days from start to finish. I have never taken Anna for one of these days because for a little child the wait can be long and boring. Do to the holiday weekend the wait was longer then usual, we waited 3 hours to just see the doctor.

I am getting better at packing things for Anna to do when we wait. I think of Stacy every time I pull out my zip lock bag of guys. At our first meeting this is what she did and I never told her how amazing I thought it was, now we do the same. I included in a couple of 100 piece puzzles. We found a spot in the waiting room where Anna had a table to play on, I had to sit on the floor that is how busy it was.

We unpacked her tiger puzzle. Anna went right to work. First she put the edge together then started to work on the middle. Anna worked intently on the puzzle. We talked about the pieces, I praised her as she found the perfect fit. We had talked about how she had to be quiet in the waiting room, so she promptly put her finger to a man talking to his son and said "shhhh, quiet please." Yes I told her that she was not allowed to do that but I did chuckle because she is really listening to me.

The couple next to us were amazed by how she loves to puzzle. They told me she is a very special little girl. I could hear the Russian accent in the woman's voice. I asked if there were any good Russian restaurants close by? She looked at me and exclaimed "I knew you were Russian!" I giggled and told her Anna was Russian to which I was corrected by the woman. She said "Funny she looks Chuvash not Russian?" Once I giggled because Anna is Chuvash.

We talked about how I adopted Anna and that she was the light of my life. I told her about how every time I hear someone speak Russian I feel like a part of me is home. We talked about pickled tomatoes and other foods I loved while I was there. I told her how I drive to Net Cost in Sheepshead bay for Russian foods. She laughed because that is where she shops. Then I saw a tears in the lady's eyes. She thanked me for adopting Anna. I was so moved by her unexpected kindness towards us. I promised her that I would always take good care of Anna.

After we saw the doctor I took Anna for a walk. I was shocked to see one of the street vendors had a fruit that I ate while I was in Russia. I bought some and for a minute I was back in Russia walking with my precious baby girl.

More about our appointment with the doctor later.

Fruit from NYC May 2011

Fruit from Moscow July 2009

I would love to know what these are called.

Yup still here

2011-05-29T13:07:00.000-07:00

Has it really almost been a week? I feel like so much has happened. Gerard had anoher kidney stone which he passed while giving his urine sample. I am sure you are all glad that you know that...right?

This felt like this was my first real week of being back to work and going to school. I am so glad that I had scheduled the time off that I did because I was able to get used to being back in school without having to worry about work too. I have a little bit of a system now so I hope things will get easier.

One benefit of having an office in the laundry room is you never have dirty laundry. I use that as my stretch time. I can not believe how much I love my new office.

Anna went to a birthday party at a bouncy place. I walked in to find one of my dear friends from work there, yup if was her niece, who knew. We had a great time. Anna had a hard time at first getting over the wall so yup you will see pictures of me and my shocking white legs going over the wall.

My one sister is in town who I have not seen since November of 2009. She is an over he road truck driver so she can be anywhere on anyday. She is taking a small vacation for the next couple of weeks so hopefully you will get to see a picture of her and Anna. I am hoping to arrange a family group photo because the last one was 10years ago. Hard to believe it has been that long.

Gerard has taken on caring for Anna while I figure out a balance between school and work. He is amazing with her. She is thriving from his one on one attention. I did chuckle when he told me it was hard to get things done with Anna in tow. My reaction was REALLY I would not know? More on him in another post in a much more serious nature so stay tuned.

So when he is out with Anna he knows how much I feel like I am missing so I usually get 2 or 3 random pictures of what they are doing. I love it. He is no photographer but some of the pictures are so candid of our "Anna do it girl" that I just have to laugh. I was thinking about doing a picture post with some of his pictures. The quality is not great because they are from his phone but they are unique.

In the spirit of every entry to the blog is better with pictures I will end with a few of the 600 I took this week.
Trying to climb a tree

This is Anna's mad face. We are teaching her about Mad, happy, sad and angry faces. She really puts on a show if you ask her to do one.

I will admit the slide was a lot of fun. Are you blinded by my legs?

Hans on his birthday. Carring his toys like this is his new thing.

Anna was rocking the bunny and singing 'Rock a bye baby' then she told the baby "No crying, Anna got you."

Anna putting sunblock on her horse. Have to avoid a sunburn after all.

Feeding Coco candy. She thinks this is her dog but really Coco belongs to La-La. No worries Coco spit out the candy she is more of a savory eater.

Anna combing Gerard's hair

Flowers from my garden

So that is most of our week in pictures. We have been busy.

Answers from my last post

2011-05-23T21:08:00.000-07:00

It seems like every person I know who has adopted except Stacy (GO CAPS!) has had an issue with the adoption credit. Please do not get me wrong I am so very thankful that this credit is available but I can tell you this was not the reason why I decided adoption was my path to motherhood.

I was going to try to answer everyone's comments with a return email but then I got to wondering if others perhaps had the same questions and needed the answers too. If you have not read the comments from my previous post this will sound pretty disjointed sorry.

Melissa--When I wrote that I had three years to add up it was because Anna's paperwork and the expenses around her adoption covered 3 different tax years. For the adoption credit I had to total up my expenses for each year separately. So I had expenses for 2007, 2008 and 2009. That is what I meant but I can see how it was worded funny.

Julie--Yes, you are right about Gerard. He is probably the most private person I have ever met. He is very reserve. He is the master of distraction, if he starts to see a conversation head down the wrong path he will try to completely change the subject or walk away. I see now that this is a good quality but in our early years together I would just become frustrated.

For Gerard he does not want the focus of all conversations about Anna to be about her being adopted. He does not want her to be treated differently then any other child who has come into our families. I will say the topic of Anna being adopted comes up pretty much once a day if not more often by our family members. I think that is where he gets frustrated.

In private (Gerard, Anna and I) the three of us are very open about her adoption. I usually do most of the talking. We even have a special puzzle that she loves to do of St. Basil's cathedral (I got it at T@rget) that we put together as a family which lets us talk about when Anna and I were in Moscow together.

I know in some families adoption is a dirty word or a secret but not in ours. I actually have cousins who are adopted on both sides of my family. He wants her to hear about her orphanage from me no one else, which makes sense since I was there and experienced it.

When Anna was first home I was encountered by a few distant family members who made remarks that were not kind about Russia. This has caused a great amount of tension in certain family situations. Gerard and I are adamant that no one will speak ill of Russia or the Russian people in our presence. He has spoken to his family and I have spoken to mine both families are now crystal clear on the subject.

I have a gift card for B@rnes & Nobles and I am going to order those books when I am done with this post. Anna LOVES books so I think they will be a good thing. Thank you so much for the titles.

Lisa--I hope your tax refund comes quickly. I think it is nice to know that I am not the only one experiencing this bump in the road.

Laura--I hope you do not have to pull out those receipts again...Ugh! I am sure they have everything you need.

JennStar--You have a great question. If I paid for it I tired to keep the receipt. As I said I know I am missing a few but I would say I have about 95% of them in the binder. I put all of my documents in clear sleeves so the documents would be protected. The receipts, I punched holes in and put in the back of the binder. For the small receipts I dedicated a clear plastic sleeve and just kept putting them into the pocket. I found the page from the IRS that explains what is needed. Here is the link

Also the Visa IR-3 is a page in the Russian passport in case you were wondering.

I hope to be able to take some pictures of the Anna and Hans tomorrow. I am lucky because I will get to watch Hans twice a week for a couple of weeks. Anna and Hans have learned to play together so nicely. In the morning Anna will go through the list of people she loves and Hans is way up there on the list.

Taxes...Oh Boy

2011-05-21T23:20:00.000-07:00

I know I am not alone when I say "Oh Boy this years taxes!" This is the second year that I am to claim the adoption credit and what a mess it has been. This year is so different. Last year I did the taxes sent them in electronically and boom my refund was in my bank account a couple of weeks later.

This year there were many differences right off the bat. I had to file a paper return. Okay no problem there I did. This year I had to include an adoption decree and Anna's Visa. Okay I did but in the pit of my stomach I felt a pang of I really do not like this feeling. I waited and waited and no refund.

Many weeks later I received a partial refund, mind you I filed in March. I waited and waited to hear something more about what my next steps should be. Then I got the letter saying they were reviewing my return and I would be contacted if additional information was needed. The following week I got the letter asking for receipts.

So this past week, I spent a little over 30 dollars for the copying and close to 19 dollars for the postage but I have now sent in every receipt I have so that the IRS can examine them. I pulled out my adoption binder and so many feeling came out with it. Please wish the person who examines them good luck,the stack of receipts is tremendous.

Yes this is volume 2, I have another just like it but that one does not have receipts mostly educational information.

This is the envelope they wanted me to use to send this back to them. It made me laugh and feel a little sick all at once.

Anna is adopted, this is a fact I have never kept from her. She has heard the word adoption many times. If some one is interested in adopting or has adopted I am very open about my experience in the right setting. I prefer to field questions of a sensitive nature in a somewhat private setting. Gerard prefers that no one ask and he would never answer their questions, usually he just walks away. We differ in how we respond to questions for a bunch of reasons. I feel like I asked so many questions when I was going through the process that I owe it to others to answer questions asked of me.

My adoption books used to sit in the dinning room, right of the hutch when I was waiting for Anna to come home. I had tried to put them away a number of times but for some reason this paperwork was my only connection to becoming a Momma. After our first Post Placement Report, Gerard told me that I needed to put this book away. At the time I did not see the harm in leaving it out but he presented a good argument as to why it should be put away. I told him after I did the taxes.

Here is a little know fact about me...I have anxiety about paperwork. Last years taxes were difficult because I had to total up all the receipts according to the year, 3 tax years. This is something that I avoided like the plague. I realized I did not want to know how much the adoption expenses cost us. I knew I had a chunk of money in the bank and now I did not and that was enough for me. I never wanted Anna to have a price attached to her.

So this year when I pulled out the books that once were so familiar and felt good to hold suddenly they did not have that same feeling. When I carried these books I used to wrap my arms around them and hug them but they never hugged back like Anna does. I kept pretty much every receipt but not all. I know I did not. I now have a rough idea of how much money was spent but I try not to ever think about that.

I pray every night that the bulk of the money spent went to the other children waiting or living in the orphanages but somehow I just do not think so.

Gerard had no clue what the total was for adoption related expenses and does not want to know. I will say it was expensive and worth every penny. I know he was shocked by the stack of receipts. Tonight I packed the big book away again. Suddenly I felt a relief that it was gone again. I hugged Anna and smiled.

If I get the tax return that I am owed life here will be very different. If I do not get the return then it was God's will because life will go on. I am so thankful that next year I will not have to provide for or think of the adoption credit again. I will have a nice simple, ordinary return just the way I like it.

Did you know...

2011-05-18T09:07:00.001-07:00

that one of my favorite varieties of sunflowers have Russian roots? Please pardon the pun.

No really Russian farmers in the beginning of the 19th century grew these beautiful flowers by the acre. The need was developed by the Russian Orthodox church because during Lent other types of oils were not to be consumed. Here is a link to the history of the Mammoth Russian sunflowers

I found out this piece of information strictly on accident when I was planning a project with Anna's class in April. Usually I spend way too much money on annuals for my flower beds. This year I just felt like the money could serve us better in other areas. I LOVE flowers really I do. In the summer time I always have a tiny bouquet of flowers by the kitchen sink from my garden.

I was feeling a little sad for two reasons: First since I broke my arm 2 years ago gardening has become something that is painful my elbow hurts all the time. My love of gardening has not stopped but my ability to just do it myself has.

Second since Gerard has been home he has taken over the gardening or should I say the spring clean up. His idea of spring clean up included removing some of my grasses, perennials and banning me from planting anything. The ban on me is because I am odd (okay if you have met me you know I am) and like things in odd numbers. Gerard is even (Okay if you know him you know it is true), everything thing is even, straight and orderly. We could not be more different.

Which brings me back to feeling a little sad over my gardens. They are all clean, neat, orderly and missing the random annuals that I usually put here and there and every where. I remembered seeing in a magazine a children's garden where tee-pee was made from Mammoth Russian sunflowers and morning glories. The sunflowers and morning glories were planted in a circle. once the sunflowers were tall enough the Mother tied the tops together to form a tee-pee. The morning glories grew up the sunflowers.

I looked through my garden supplies and found some seeds for both. I convinced Gerard that the sunflowers were a good thing. Anna and I got his okay so the sunflowers and morning glories have been planted. I just checked and we have a few small seeds poking out of the ground. I am no longer sad and instead I am envisioning a big bouquet of sunflowers on the dining room table.

The next time you see a big, beautiful sunflower you might just think of Russia too.

P.S. Melissa this made me think of those beautiful pictures of Colby at the sunflower farm.

Transformation complete

2011-05-17T04:02:00.000-07:00

A while back I mentioned that I was changing my laundry room around a bit. I am one of those people who need a desk if I am going to school. I like being able to just walk in sit down and start. One night at work it came to me that if I had the stacking dryer that matched my washer I could put a desk in the laundry room.

I can not believe I did not think of this sooner. my laundry room is literally only 5feet X 7 feet. A pretty big room for a small house. In fairness to my small house I have a very large master bedroom that could easily fit a desk. If Anna is sleeping in there then I would be limited. My master bedroom is tucked away behind the garage and completely away from the rest of the house. If I were in the laundry room I can hear everything that is going on in the living room if Anna is playing. Basically a very good spot for me to have an office.

So this morning as Anna continues to sleep I am in my new office. I have installed my drink coaster on my new desk. I am ready to get busy. I do have a funny story about buying a new computer but I will leave that for another day.

The before: I only had 2.5 feet between the dryer and the window.

The after. The office area now measures 5 foot X 5 foot and feels quite roomy.

I have finally found the perfect spot for my sign. It reads...Where are you on your journey? Life is a journey after all.

My Homecoming

2011-05-16T04:36:00.000-07:00

Has it really been that long? I want to rewind back a little bit to my home coming because it was important to us. As you all know I was out of town for 4 days last week. Anna was a little distressed at the airport but thank goodness Gerard was able to get her completely calmed down before I had to walk in to the airport.

The night before I came home Gerard called me to tell me that she was upset. She told him "Anna needs Momma! Where Momma? Anna needs Momma!" When he called me she could hear my voice on the other end of the phone. She grabbed the phone to tell me the same thing. The poor baby was crying. Between Gerard and I we were able to settle her down. I told her that as soon as I got home I would hold her and give her a bottle.

Originally Gerard was going to pick me up from the airport but at the last minute I decided to take the train to a station in New Jersey and ride home with my sister. That option was a much longer trip and I have been told by Gerard "never again." I will admit it did make for a very long travel day for me. Live and learn.

Gerard and Anna were out front weeding the flower beds when we pulled up. When I got out of the car she looked confused then she started yelling, "Momma, Momma home." She ran to me and gave me an never ending hug then to Gerard to tell him one more time that I was home. As I picked her up she must have remembered what I told her the night before, instantly she told me "Hold, baba, hold Anna now." Anna only drinks a bottle for me and rarely for Gerard. I find that it is comforting for her.

For the next couple of days she was glued to my hip. At times she has been a little uneasy if my Mother or La-La stops by but we all tell her right away that they are just here to visit. Then she tells them "Anna stays with Momma!" So that is how Anna fared while I was gone. I know she missed me and I got a warm welcome so which tells me that many of the decisions that we have made in the past in terms of attachment and bonding are working.

How did Gerard fair? I think this is best done by bullet points.

-He learned that losing a puzzle piece can be traumatic
-He learned that you can have two puzzles out but not on the same table
-He now understands why I put on the timer at dinner time
-He learned that playing outside keeps the house cleaner
-He learned it hurt to see Anna cry for me
-He learned that holding and talking to Anna is way more important then he thought

In all I really think that this trip came at just the right time. Gerard did a great job with Anna while I was gone. I feel like with our past work schedules he missed out on so much. This trip just reinforced that he loves to spend time with Anna. She is a really neat kid with a huge imagination.

I could not imagine having to travel like that for a living. My heart goes out to all the working parents who have to travel like this to make a living. I am not sure what is on the horizon for Gerard. He may have to travel a bit for work. We have done a little bit of talking about this being a possibility. In the past we would have never considered moving to be close to a job but with the price of gas it may be something we have to consider, right now nothing is off the table.

Just Pictures

2011-05-13T16:03:00.000-07:00

Anna being silly, laying on the grass while I took pictures of Hans

They both love to play hard

I love the way they love each other

Hans

I hope to be able to blog about my home coming tonight.

Missing my guys

2011-05-10T11:46:00.001-07:00

At home Anna is always looking for her guys. I so wish I were home right now even though being where I am is so important. I miss my guys. I was trying last night to upload some pictures I took of Anna and Hans before I left bit for some reason I was not able to do so. I guess this will have to wait until I get home.

I have learned a few interesting things while I have been away. I think I have found my main research topic for my course studies. I will spare you all what it is because honestly even I think it is quite gross.

I hope to be able to connect with La-la and Anna later today. I miss Anna like crazy. I am so glad I am off this weekend.

On a different note I have learned that I can take my time with the courses. I do not have to have them completed before 2015 as long as I am enrolled on a program. Now I just have to determine if I want to complete this as a full time student or part time. I still need to think about this so I have not committed to anything yet but I am leaning towards part time.

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-08T18:21:00.000-07:00

I want to wish all the Mothers in the world a Happy Mother's Day. Every birth, foster, adoptive, God and Grandmother.

made it to Memphis

2011-05-08T10:44:00.000-07:00

On the ground in Memphis. Next stop Kansas City. I will say the airport BBQ is calling my name.

My first time

2011-05-08T07:32:00.000-07:00

I can not believe I just kissed Anna and Gerard and walked into the airport alone. What a different feeling. This is the first time I have been so far away from Anna. Originally Gerard was going to take a vacation day because being away from both of us is difficult but now I do not have to worry about that. What a big relief.

They have a bunch of fun stuff planned for this week. I plan to get a ton of reading for school done if I do not get distracted. Anna cried and told me "Mommy stay Anna" I told her I had to go so she switched it to "Anna go." When I told her she could not go there were some tears. Daddy is way better at getting her to settle down. Out came the portable DVD player so she was happy and told me so. One more big hug and they were off.

I am boarding now so wish me luck.

Kansas City here I come

2011-05-07T00:52:00.000-07:00

Well actually Independence, Missouri here I come. When I was waiting for Anna I completed my Bachelor's degree in Nursing. I was lucky because I was able to do it all online. I was all set up to continue with the same school but was waiting because those classes were 5-6 weeks long and very intense. If I decided to stay with my current school I would only need 29 more credits toward my MSN.

I am glad I waited. I have found a new school that I can do most of the course material online with the exception of the two visits to Independence, Missouri and the clinical portion. Once I am finished I will have a Masters degree in Nursing and qualify to sit to become a Nurse Practitioner (NP). If I had stayed with my previous school I would not have met the requirements to sit for my NP.

So what does that mean? What this means is as a Nurse Practitioner I will have many more opportunities within my career to earn more money with the potential of being out of the house less. Working the night shift takes a toll on a person. Both Gerard and I have aged as a result of us not sleeping as much as we need to sleep. My hopes is that one day soon Gerard and I will both be back to working the day shift. I think that with the ability to work as a Nurse Practitioner I may be able to drop down to part time hours.

Why now? Well to put it simply I must because legislation has changed. If I were to wait I would need to have a doctorate in nursing. My current employer will pay for a portion of my MSN but will not pay for any portion of a doctorate. I must have this degree completed and be licenced as a Nurse Practitioner before 2015.

How will this affect Anna? My hope is that she will not be affected much at all. Anna will be enrolled into summer camp preschool that will be 4 days per week. Gerard and I struggled with should we send her to summer preschool. Gerard did not want her to go mostly because he wants her to be able to have a break from school. I on the other hand wanted her to go because her speech therapy will continue throughout the summer.

We discussed this and the final decision was we will send Anna to summer preschool. We think Anna will benefit greatly from this program. My hope is to be able to complete my school work when Anna is at school. In September I think Anna will start all day pre-school so I will have more time to complete my classroom work.

I will be missing Mother's day with Anna because of traveling but Gerard and Anna have plans on taking me to breakfast then the airport. I like to think everyday is Mother's day anyway. So if you were traveling to Kansas City or should I say Independence, Missouri what would you do or want the see? I love to explore new places.

Dear Anonymous (Julie W.)

2011-05-06T22:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Anonymous,
I feel like there have been so many times that I have started a blog post with this same title. This time I just could not get you out of my mind. Julie for you to reach out to me about your situation is exactly the reason why I wrote about Our Big News. For those who may not read the comments here is what she wrote:

Anonymous said...
Joy
I enjoy your blog so much. My husband was laid off 2 years ago, and he is still looking for a full time job with benefits. We are struggling, but luckily we are making it (barely) and we appreciate the few silver linings that there are. Anyways, if you could squeeze in a prayer that Chris W. in Illinois could find a job, we'd appreciate it! I love your positive attitude and like I have said before, I just love your little blog, it is so hopeful and full of love for your little family.
Julie W.

I love this blog mostly because of people like you, Julie. I know so many prayed for Anna, Gerard and I over the past couple of years and have never told us. Gerard and I usually talk about pretty much every post and all the comments that I receive. After I posted about Our big news and I received your comment Julie I thought long and hard about your situation. Gerard was asleep but I felt that waking him up was the right thing to do so I did. We read you comment together. That night we prayed together for you and your situation.

I will say that I got an overwhelming feeling of relief. Again I know you all will think I am crazy but Julie I just wanted you to know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Please when your husband gets the job that he needs for your family please email me or comment. I will remember you.

Our Big News!

2011-05-05T11:18:00.000-07:00

I feel so blessed. At times I think my reaction to events in my life are totally in God's hands. I could never imagined being this happy in our current situation. The big event in our life is that Gerard has been laid off.

I have known Gerard for 23 years in all that time he was only laid off one other time, the day before Christmas. After that lay off he had a new better job with in 2 weeks. I suspect that we may have to wait a longer time for him to be offered a new job based on the current job market.

Let me rewind a bit, this all started after our trip to Washington D.C. Gerard came home on Monday afternoon and told me of the situation. He was upset, more quiet then usual. I knew Gerard had been thinking about changing jobs but in the past he has always been cautious and waited until he had a new job first.

The news came on Good Friday that this would be Gerard's last day. We wanted wait to tell anyone so that we could all enjoy the holiday. Easter day was beautiful so I am glad that we waited.

We had talked about how a change in his job would affect our current schedule but never imagined that we would soon have to start living it. I know that he felt like he would miss out on time with Anna if he worked during the day (I was not convinced). See on days when I worked together he would pick Anna up from school, spend the afternoon with her then come home for dinner. I always argued that he could spend more time with her after work everyday if he worked the day shift. So him switching to a day shift job has been a big debate for the past couple of months.

I think on many levels a woman is most fulfilled when she has a child and feels the most useful. I know that having Anna has changed me in many ways and Gerard for that matter. I think men like my Father, Gerard's Father and Gerard gain self-esteem by providing for their families. When a job is taken from them I think there is a grieving process that many do not realize happens. I think many families have financial stresses and ours is no different. We have many people who depend on us not only Anna. We discussed right away a few of the most important issues. I believe that we have come up with solutions for each one. For most people losing a job is devastating for Gerard this is no different.

So that is the situation and here is my reaction. I am actually quite shocked by my reaction. At first I was mad, very mad. I started to think about all the holidays that we had to cut short so he could work. At his old job you were only off for a holiday if it fell on your day off, this included every holiday including Christmas. In the past scheduling holidays was always tricky because I am also responsible to work a number of holidays at my job. I had already started to worry about Christmas of 2011 because he was not going to be off and I really want Anna to wake up at home with at least one parent on the holidays. My hope is that he will get a job that is a little more family friendly.

Here is where the amazing part comes in, once I processed that we would not be where we are today without the job he had I could see that this is all part of God's plan for us. By the time Gerard got home on Good Friday I had already processed all of those feeling of being mad. I was suddenly excited about what lies ahead. I know many have not met me in person but when I am excited it is contagious.

I was careful not to overwhelm him because he does take much longer to process many of these types of emotions then I do. I looked at him told him I loved him, he could not look at me in the eye. He felt like he failed us. I decided that we needed to just play around for a little while so that is what we did. I was sad for him that he could not see what I saw but I knew with time he would.

Over the next few days we were glued together so to speak. I kept telling him how happy I was that he was home. I kept pointing out how much fun he was having with Anna. Most importantly I kept pointing out that we were so lucky that this happened. I feel like this is such a blessing. I have always tried to believe that something good can come out of situations that seem difficult or bad, this is the very same thing I kept telling Adrienne when her when she was in New Jersey and the adoption of the little girl did not come to be. I think when you are in the thick of a situation that you can only see as hopeless or bad seeing that silver lining is extremely difficult. I believe that some times these situations are placed in our path to remind us that we are not in control. I think these types of situations help to humble us to ask for God's guidance.

I was off for most of the week that followed so each time I could see him beating himself up in his head I made him look at me straight in the eye and I told him how happy I was. I also told him that I was not worried about the money part either. Here is the amazing part I really mean every thing that I say. Just reading this paragraph I am tearing up with happy tears.

We all went out to dinner the other night, nothing special just Taco Bell, I looked at him I told him again how happy I was he was home then he looked at me and I started to cry. I know this is so hard to explain and my words will not do this justice you all will just think I am a bit crazy. I felt like for so long we have been running a race that never ends. I feel like we have wasted precious time working that we could be spending with Anna as a family.

Since Anna has come home Gerard has not had much time off at the most 4 days in a row. He has powered through working and taking care of the houses. I have never as long as I have known Gerard ever had to worry about him feeling the need to hold down our sofa. Literately, if he sits down at home for about 20 minutes a day that is it. Early last week he made a list of things that need to be done at the houses and he is powering through it. The list is 7 pages long so he is still very busy. Work that he was putting off until he had a stretch off is now on the top of the list.

Anna has never had the luxury of having both of us home together this much. I think this break for Gerard has been nothing but positive for Anna. I pray that in the end Gerard is able to see this too. In the past week Anna has been climbing into both of our laps and telling us that she loves us which is very new. I see that Anna feeds off of my emotions and I think this is a direct result of how I have been trying to reassure and support Gerard.

I wanted to wait to make this public until we told our families. I know there are some family members who read the blog so I wanted them to hear from us rather then from the Internet. We needed to make sure that our families understand that we see this as a blessing. Out of respect to Gerard's feelings I wanted to wait until he told his parents. This required us processing our feelings first that is the only reason why we waited.

I guess what I want my message to be today is that something positive comes from all things that we struggle with. Being laid off has ruined many families in the past couple of years. I am sure that each one of us knows of at least one person who has been laid off. I have chosen to support Gerard emotionally. I want him to know that bigger things are on the horizon.

I bet some of you are scratching your heads and saying is this the same person who wanted to separate from Gerard. My answer is yes it is me. I am sure that the struggles that Gerard and I had in our relationship last year was preparation for today's struggle.

If you or someone you know is struggling with the loss of a job I beg you to look at it as a blessing. This is hard but if you are able to see how it has benefited you perhaps your outlook many change.

Avoidance & Anna's first real play date

2011-05-01T23:42:00.000-07:00

Yes that is the word that I would use to describe my behavior. I have so much that I need to write about yet I hate to keep a secret. Soon I promise I will be able to tell you what is testing us. I so want to tell you because I am a little shocked at my own personal response that I think it might help others.

Saturday was a big day for us. I picked Anna up from the camp ground. Ann got to go with La-La, Jim Dear, Greg, Me-Me and Hans. The camp ground is literally up the street from my home and I knew Gerard was going to be home if she got scared and wanted to come home. She had a great time. I am not really camping material but I may have to start to make an exception for Anna.

We were invited to watch Anna's teacher get married. Miss C sent home a notice about 2 weeks ago, Anna had no real clue as to what we were doing but was excited to see her friends. We watched from the balcony. By far we had the best seats in the house.

About halfway through the service Anna was getting a little restless. This was a very special day for Miss C so I decided to take Anna outside to wait for the service to end. We blew a few bubbles (Miss C said that is what she was going to have at the church so we were prepared). A few minutes later the guest started to come out of the church. We were joined by all but one child from her class so I was glad that I made the effort to take Anna...at least I was up to that point.

Waiting for Miss C.

We all waited at the front of the church for the formal pictures to be done then out came Miss C now know as Mrs. M. She wanted a picture with all the students and before I knew it one of the other mothers pushed Anna to the front of the pack of kids. Anna was still quite busy blowing bubbles. I felt my heart beat race, I called out to Mrs. S the teacher's assistant to keep an eye on Anna. I remember trying to push my way to the front to be able to grab Anna.

I was able to see on my tip toes Mrs. M bend down for a quick photo, Anna was like a bubble machine. Then I saw Mrs. M step away. I reached into try and grab Anna who was about 6 inches too far away, then I heard it. The shocked sighs from the crowd. Then I heard Anna say to Mrs S "All done. Empty." I knew in the pit of my stomach this was not good. I stretched to reach her and caught a glimpse of the flower girl in her beautiful taupe colored dress cover from chest to hem with Anna's bubbles.

I am not sure what happened. Mrs. S said someone knocked into Anna which I am sure is what happened but it did not make me feel any better. Mrs. S said she would explain it to Mrs. M and that it would be okay. I just feel so bad for Mrs. M but worst for the flower girl who was old enough to know this was not good.

I want to get her something so that she knows just how sorry I am but I just do not know what to pick up. Anna and I have practiced saying sorry so that she can tell Mrs. M herself.

After the wedding Anna had her first real play date with a classmate. I drive and pick up Anna so I have met a few of the mothers and see them pretty much everyday. I had suggested that we do something after the wedding to the one mother that I really like so we decided to play at her house.

Here is the craziness about how small of a town I live in. We watched Vivian's house be built. They live across the lagoon from Gerard's parents. I am about 90% sure I took care of Vivian when she was born.

I really like this mother (Virginia). She is funny, quick witted and likes to have fun. Vivian has good manners and I like what I have seen of Virginia's parenting of her daughter. The girls played hard together and really seemed to have fun. I am so sad for us that Vivian will be going into kindergarten because I really like her and her parents. I hope our paths cross again some day. Hopefully we will be able to get together again.

I do have some pictures to add to this entry but I am blogging from my phone. I promise to add them later.

Who wants before and now pictures?

2011-04-27T11:22:00.000-07:00

The other day we were playing in the yard. I was trying to take a good picture of Anna in the Irish sweater that her Papa and Grammy brought back from Ireland. I did not get the picture that I wanted but realized this is a cool now and then picture.

April 2011

October 2009

So where have I been?

2011-04-26T09:05:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have been away from my blog for way too long. Even though it has only been a couple of days so much has changed. The next couple of months are going to test our faith a bit. We are experiencing some changes here in our family that I have not made public yet so until I do you all will have to wait too. I like to be as positive as I can be this change was unexpected and quite sudden so Gerard and I are still trying to figure out how we will work it all out first. No I am not pregnant.

I have been on vacation for the past 2 weeks. I decided to take off when Anna had her spring break so that I could spend time with her and not feel guilty about keeping her home with me. Except for our trip to Washington D.C. I pretty much stayed home. I feel like my house has suffered a bit so my intention was to do some spring cleaning and have La-La watch Anna for 2 of the days but due to her accident I felt it was best to just let her rest instead.

On the way home from Washington I felt exhausted. I thought it was just because we had been going nonstop by alas I was coming down with a virus. I have a awful cough and the sore throat. Usually I am over feeling sick in a day or so but it has been a week and I really do not feel any better. Do not be shocked but I even went to the doctors which is big for me and had a round of antibiotics that have not helped at all. I just feel exhausted.

I did manage to get my laundry room and dining room painted. My new dryer came on Tuesday, one that stacks onto the washer. As I have said before my house is small and space is at a premium. Prior to Anna coming home I had an office/guest room but because of our odd sleeping patterns here Gerard took over that room.

I loved having an office because I felt so much more organized when it came to my finances. So my new laundry room now has enough room for me to put a full sized desk. The room was painted a pale pink which I loved but is now painted a pale yellow cream. I had been thinking blue would be nice but I love the shabby chic cottage style so much and cream was a better choice.

I have collected a few little treasures to hang up in my new office/laundry room that should give it the right feeling. I have other reasons for needing office space. I am heading back to school. I have made the decision to become a Nurse Practitioner. I still feel like it is weird to even say. So for the next 3-4 years I will be taking classes towards my Masters degree, more on that later.

Easter was wonderful even though I was sick. We had the family over in the morning for an egg hunt. We kept it simple just sandwiches, chips and dip. Everything was cleaned up and put away by 3 pm which to be honest I could not have been happier about. I am just exhausted.

How about some pictures:

Hans dove into the trees to get an egg!

These eggs are to dye for!

2011-04-20T05:51:00.000-07:00

Sunday after we woke up Me-Me and I decided that the mood was right for dyeing eggs. I love that we do this together as a family just like we did for the Christmas activities. My sister Julie (Hans' Grandmother) joined us for the fun. I can not believe that entire year has passed already. Both Anna and Hans have grownso much.

I love the way Hans and Anna run to the dining room table when they see us getting an activity out for them to do. They both jump up into a chair and get busy. Me-Me got this neat egg painter/spinner for the kids last year. She thought ahead and bought another one this year so they both had one.

Eggs are done!

Last night Anna and I went to the movies with La-La and Jim Dear to see the movie Hop. The animation was neat but I have to say I guess I am just a little sensitive. In the being of the movie the family was eating dinner. It appeared that one of the children was adopted. Which I thought how cool is this, mainstream adoption in the movies then boom...a sarcastic remark about adoption. In my opinion it was an odd interaction within the movie. I guess you live and learn.

Washington D.C. 2011...Russian Embassy Easter Party

2011-04-17T14:28:00.000-07:00

What a weekend! I am so ready for spring to really start. Like last year we decided to come to Washington D.C. for the Easter party held at the Russian Embassy. Last year we went to the zoo which was a lot of fun. I was surprised that Anna remembered the elephants when we told her we were going to Washington. I am amazed at the things she remembers.

This year we were lucky enough to meet up with not only Stacy, Pat and Aidan but Jolynn, Rich and Jacob (private blog). We decided to take Anna to the Museum of Natural History to see the dinosaurs on Friday. Anna is really into animals and she loved looking at in imitating many of the different animals. Anna and Jacob were like long lost friends. What surprised me was that Anna was even willing share King with Jacob. You have to understand no one gets to play with King.

The kids got a chance to run around in the grassy area between the Washington Monument and the Capital building. The two of them ran, played and laughed the entire time. I got caught up with Jolynn and it was a great time for me.

Yes that is my daughter mooning the Capital building. Honest it was an accident. She laughed so hard and tried her best to recreate the moment.

As an adoptive parent I forget just how much my guard is up when I talk with others about Anna. Stacy and Jolynn completely understand and that is what makes spending time with them different and wonderful. I do not have to explain anything they just understand because they are living it.

Late Friday night we went swimming in the pool at the hotel. The water was a perfect 82 degrees. I got to talk with the life guard a bit. He was discharge from the Army about a 1.5 years ago and told me how he wanted and needed a low stress job. What a nice young man he was.

Saturday was party day. Stacy, Pat and Aidan met us at the hotel then we ventured off to have lunch and let the kids play. Aidan has gotten so talk. Anna barely comes up to his shoulders. What a sweet shy guy he is. I loved the way he watched out for Anna when they were playing. I thought the Easter party last year was great but this year was even better. The children's performances were terrific. They put on a couple little plays for us which were funny. When the girls were singing I could hear Anna trying to sing along which I thought was wonderful.

At the party they had a couple of people who can make different things out of balloons which quite frankly amazes me. I think what shocked me the most about this weekend is how grown up Anna has gotten. She stood in line for the balloon did not have a problem with that until a couple of girls tried to get in front of her and Aidan which she promptly told them to move. Anna does not care for line jumpers when it involves a balloon. There were only a few tears when we had to leave the pool but honestly I even felt like crying at the thought of not getting to swim again.

For the ride there and home she was perfect except for the when we pulled down our street and could see our house. We were stopped by a fireman because a wire came down literately across our front yard and driveway. She kept telling me "Go there Mom...Home...Go home now!" We missed the wire coming down and landing in our front yard by about 10 minutes. Thank goodness we were had a delay here and there along the way home or we could have been just pulling in when the wire came down.

I would also like to give the agency who coordinates the Russian Easter party a big show out Cradle of Hope Adoption Center. You all did a great job. Currently they are looking for families who may be willing to host an older child from Russia, Ukaine and China for their Bridges of Hope program. Please consider checking out their program.

Isn't He cute?

2011-04-13T12:09:00.000-07:00

I have had the sheer pleasure of being able to watch Hans grow up from birth. I am lucky because Anna and Hans LOVE to be together. Both Hans and Anna ask for each other and want to play in the same room but not quite together yet. They are mostly parrallel playing which is so nice to see. Whether or not my niece Jaime knows it seeing Hans grow up has been amazing. Hans is now the same age as Anna was when she first came home. Each time he hits an age that I could relate back to being with Anna I marval at how smart, fun and secure he is knowing that he has both his parents who are such wonderful influences in his life. Hans has learned so much from Anna and she from him. His language has started to explode. I love that he comes to my opens the refridgirator and hugs the bottle of Kefir. I love the way he runs, trips, falls and hops back up to do it all over again. Hans at Anna's second birthday 22 months old

Prayers needed immediately!*****Thank you

2011-04-13T09:29:00.000-07:00

La-La and Jim Dear have been in a bad car accident. La-la is okay. Jim Dear is in a lot of pain and is having multiple tests right now. La-la's cousin was also involved. Please say a prayer that they are okay. Specifically that Jim Dear is okay as I feel La-la is stable.

We loves them so much.

Thank you all.

***La-La, Jim Dear and La-La's cousin have all been released from the hospital. Jim Dear is still in quite a bit of pain but it appears that they all will be okay. Jim Dear's truck on the other hand may be gone but I guess that is what happens when you are hit by an even bigger dump truck. I am breathing a sigh of relief because we love them and we want Jim Dear to stick around with us for a long time.

Making a book with Nanny

2011-04-12T10:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was make a book with Nanny day at school. I will admit that I felt so unprepared for this project. I am not sure what I excepted but I did not bring anything to help make the book such as pictures or stickers. Honestly I was a bit put off about it because had it been mentioned in the note home that we could or should bring stuff I would have not only had it prepared talked and pre-played with the stuff with Anna. I know it sounds like I am complaining but I hate not being prepared. I am still new to this whole preschool stuff, next time I will be prepared.

During Anna's teacher conference one observation that she made was that Anna avoids drawing. At home we draw but I realized that when we draw it is as a group or family. Usually we have a large piece of paper that covers the table and everyone joins in the drawing and coloring. In retrospect I think Anna has asked us to draw more then she has drawn.

Anna is the youngest in her class. Her preschool is set up so that the child stays with the same teacher for 2 years. I like this in many ways but yesterday when Anna was drawing it was hard to see her struggle some to draw. Many of the children in her class are 5 turning 6, Anna is 3 turning 4. This does not sound like a big difference but it is a big difference.

Here is where the but comes in, I see just how much Anna has grown. Watching Anna navigate her classroom is very interesting. She knows what to do and what is expected of her by the teacher. A year ago I know that this would have been difficult for Anna. After talking to Gerard and my Mother we talked about how we are going to encourage her to draw more. I am in no rush to push her through her developmental milestones. In my opinion drawing and coloring should be a low stress, fun activity and that is how we are going to approach it.

I am so glad that I was able to get a few pictures of them together making her book.

What a weekend!

2011-04-11T14:04:00.000-07:00

I just love being off on the weekends. I ended up working a different day during the week last week which gave me Friday night off. Gerard is only off on Thursday night and Friday night so the switch was good for us. I love doing things as a family and that is my biggest complaint with his work schedule. He tells me to just get over it because pretty much every body but me works 5 days a week. I know he is right but the time just seems to fly by so fast now.

This past weekend Gerard, Julie (my sister) and Jaime also known as Me-Me ran in the Ship Bottom Sprint for Life. This 5K race is a benefit for Lymphoma and Leukemia research. Gerard's Aunt Nel is fighting Lymphoma and one of my friends from work her son is now a 10 ten survivor from a type of leukemia that usually does not have a cure or a survival rate of 10 years. Zachary is a blessing and an absolute treasure. Me-Me and La-La's Grand Father died from Lymphoma the year Me-Me was pregnant with Hans. So this walk and run has a special meaning for all of us.

La-La and I did the 2 mile fitness walk and pushed the kids. I do feel encouraged to at least try a 5k or to train for one at least. I would love to know that I would be able to finish a 5K. I would love to feel the freedom of just being able to run farther then my parked car into a store. Who knows maybe I will start to run, after all anything is possible.

Here are pictures that I took because I do agree that these blog posts are better with pictures.

I have to say I am so proud of Gerard. He finished 8th in his age division with a time of 25 minutes and 25 seconds. Me-Me did equally as well with a time of 27 minutes and 35 seconds. Julie who did no training at all for this 5K finished too. La-La and I had a nice walk and even got a little sun burn.

Now for all of you who have wanted to see a picture of Mr. Wilson I did not tell you this but there is not one but two pictures of him crossing the finish line. So to be clear he is not pictured on this site under photo number 360 or photo number 361...Wink, Wink, Wink!

Anna sad!

2011-04-09T06:40:00.000-07:00

The other day Anna came home from school and she seemed a little off. Her teacher said that she did not eat much at breakfast/snack or lunch. Usually when that happens I watch her eating a little closer. I find that Anna usually does not tell me if she is hungry. There have been the rare occasions when she will tell me "Hungry." Those times are very infrequent however.

When Anna first came home food was a big issue for her and for me. Anna refused to eat. I refused to not worry. I remember a day when Anna ate 1 saltine cracker and less then 4 ozs of juice for the whole day. I worried about her intake and still do. Anna actually lost close to 2 lbs when she first got home. In the past year I have done my best to not worry and just let her eat. I am proud to say that Anna is now up to 27.1 lbs.

I now know that Anna is hungry because rather then asking for food she acts out. Usually she becomes what I call a little fresh. At times she will even throw her favorite toys. I offer her a snack or bottle and she is like a new person.

I prepared a snack right away but Anna did not want to eat. Here is the part I was not prepared for...Anna busted out into tears and said "Anna sad!" Then she cried out "I want Daddy. Anna sad! Anna sad!" Oh boy I this is a bridge that we have never crossed before. I asked her if she wanted to lay on Daddy's bed with one of his shirts. She told me "Yes" with tears streaming down her face. Then I laid with her and gave her a bottle of Kefir. She snuggled into me and her Daddy's shirt drank her bottle and just settled down. About 20 minutes later she looked at me and said "Anna not crying...Anna Happy."

I called Gerard and he came home as soon as he could. She played with him and hugged him non-stop. Seeing her love him is so heart warming.

This is really the first time that Anna has used her words to express her emotions of being sad. I know that somewhere inside her she may be feeling the loss of her birth parents and the loss of leaving her baby home. She seems fine now but I think we will be talking to her more about her being sad. I want her to know that it is okay to be sad. Processing all these emotions are difficult.

I could never imagine the pain that some children who have difficulty attaching and bonding with their parents feel. I am blessed that these moments are very few for now. My thoughts and prayers go out to all who are struggling with attachment issues.

Anna"s Research Project

2011-04-06T07:02:00.000-07:00

In Anna's preschool they teach different things by doing what Anna's teacher calls research projects. I do think this is a really neat way of teaching. Basically, Miss C. picks a topic or object and as a class they discuss the topic or object.

The class has learned numbers by measuring things like those sponge animals that grow in water. I like the way she usually relates a book to what ever research project she is teaching about in class. I do think it is funny to say that Anna who is 3 has a research project to do but if you think about this theory it works. This method of teaching embraces children's nature desire to explore and ask questions which I love.

Anna's class will be writing a book with a grandparent next week so I have asked my Mother to do that with Anna. I know that if Papa and Grammy did not get to do something special with her their feelings might be hurt. I also know it would be difficult for all three grandparents to help with the book so this research project was better suited for Gerard's parents to help.

The kids were divided into 3 teams...Team Radish, Team Green bean and Team Sunflower. They each scooped the dirt into a cup, planted their seeds and placed them in the sun to grow. During this process Miss C. talked to them about what was needed for these seeds to grow.

As a snack and keeping with the theme I brought in Worms in the Dirt. It was so funny to see which kids would eat the snack and which ones would not. I made these neat little take home bags for them complete with one of those gift pots from T@rget from the dollar section so they can plant seeds with their families and some dehydrated fruit that Anna has started to eat.

At preschool Anna is so grown up. She cleans up her toys, moves from station to station independently, it was so nice to see. Now I can start expecting more of her. Anna was cute in the class room. She has a symbol that she must move from spot to spot that represents each station. Anna was so excited to see her Papa and Grammy in the parking lot at school when we pulled up.

I only have a few pictures that do not have other children pictured.

Anna with her Papa

Anna loved eating the worms from the dirt

When we got home Anna wanted to do some drawing. She told me "Look, Mom 5."
So this proves to me that this type of teaching is working.

Who has a...

2011-04-05T00:18:00.000-07:00

Disney vacation club? I know it is a time share but it uses a point system that I am not familiar with, mostly because I do not own a time share. If you have one do you like it or do you not? Is is possible to go to places other then Disney? I figured it might be worth asking.

Thanks

Busy weekend!

2011-04-04T03:33:00.000-07:00

This weekend has been a LONG one for me. I spent most of Saturday morning trying to understand something I will never understand. People are all different so I am going to put it into God's hands. Gerard took care of Anna most of the weekend for me because I just felt out of sorts.

As yesterday progressed I started to feel better and was able to join in the fun of watching Gerard continue to clean up the yard while I worked on a preschool project for Anna's class. Gerard thinks I will get an A+. He also thinks she is going to laugh when she realizes that I spent the better part of my day off putting it all together. The teacher let me put the whole "Research Project" together for the class with the condition that Anna's Papa and Grammy (Gerard's parents) could help.

Next week the class is doing a project with the Grandparents but it was limited to only one Grandparent which I did not think was fair but I understand the class room limitation. I did not want to have to choose between the three of them. They all love Anna very much and each would be hurt if they were not able to do a project with her.

Gerard had to fix the outdoor portion of the vent cover for one of the bathroom exhaust fans. A bird was starting a neat little nest in there with the leaves from the grasses I love and he dislikes. After he pulled it all out he called me out to see just how much was in there. WOW it was a lot of reeds from the grasses.

Anna ran around the yard kicking the ball, driving in her car and yes climbing the tree again. I think I scared Gerard a bit when I told him that Anna will be driving a real care in about 13 years. She will be driving a used car just like in the picture. She was too funny waving and saying "Bye, you later" She is so full of energy. I like to describe her as the ball in a pinball game. She bounces from here to there with lots of energy but then when the game is over she is out like a light. I wonder if I had this much energy when I was a child? Anna kept telling us "Mom sun happy. Mom happy. Daddy happy. Anna happy." or "Listen Mom birds." one of the funniest was "Not raining, Mom." She talked nonstop all day which is so cute to finally hear her talk like this.

I plan on starting my walking routine today with Anna in the stroller. Gerard was organizing some of the tools and she managed to climb in and insisted on go for a ride. Even though the weather here is starting to break from the cold with occasional days in the mid 50's I am still cold. Last year at this time, we were preparing to go to Florida for warm weather, fun in the sun and beach time. This year I have other plans for my May vacation.

I am about 10 days away from my April vacation so I am so looking forward to just having the time off. We are planning of going to the Russian Easter party at the Embassy in Washington D.C. We hope to meet up with Stacy, Pat and Aidan for dinner again the night before. Another adoptive couple that I have become friends with have also decided to come so we are going to stay at the same hotel. I am super excited to meet her son Jacob. Today will be a fun filled day with Anna at her preschool. I hope to share some of it tomorrow.

Prayers answered!!!

2011-04-02T12:57:00.000-07:00

I while back I everyone to pray for a little boy in Russia. Anton was in need of a forever family. I am happy to say that today there is a family waiting to visit with him and become his forever parents. Thank you all who said a quick prayer for this little guy.

Here is Anton's Reese's Rainbow page

Here is the link I found to the perspective adoptive parents for Anton.

I am not sure what made me look at his profile today but I am so relieved to know that very soon he may have a Mommy and Daddy to how him.

I had intended on writing yesterday but we had a family situation that needed my complete attention. Gerard, Anna, my Mother and I are all okay. Please say a prayer for one of my other close family members who needs strength and guidance today.

Spring clean up has begun

2011-03-28T17:15:00.000-07:00

In the past the gardening was my love. After I broke my arm I just do not have the same strength in it to be able to pull and tug at plants and weeks. I feel so fortunate that Gerard likes the yard to look clean and neat because for the past two years he has done pretty much all the yard work.

We have big plans for the yard that will probably span over the next 2 years. Gerard's first point of order is to remove my grasses style bushes. He is so orderly and they drive him crazy that each are not the same and that he can not shape them...sigh I guess if the yard work is his new job then I guess he should get a choice as to what is in the yard.

In true Anna fashion she saw him out in the yard raking the leaves and she was in a panic to get to him as well as the leaves. As children Gerard and I both remember digging in the dirt and climbing trees. I find it a amazing how Anna likes to do many of he same things that we liked to do as children. How about some pictures?

Do you dream?

2011-03-27T20:51:00.000-07:00

My dreams when I sleep are very vivid. I remember once as a child my Father was very sick. We were told he may not make it through the night. I am pretty sure I was in the 8th grade. I dreamt that night of a man who looked similar to my Father but I knew he was not. This strange man arrived in a car I did not recognize. This man and I played together, then in my dream I was sick with a fever. This man cared for me as my Father would. He then looked at me and said "Your Father will be fine." The following morning my Father was fine.

When I was traveling to Russia or waiting for news about Anna my younger sister would look up and see this same man staring at her. He would nod at her she would look away then he was gone. The significances here is my sister is an over the road truck driver who can be in many different states all in one week. Since Anna has been home she has not seen him again.

tonight,I could hear Gerard getting ready for work but was not quite awake. Tonight Gerard came in to give Anna and I each a kiss, which is unusual. I tried to tell him I was dreaming and that in my dream there was a car parked behind his truck in our driveway. I went from seeing Gerard kissing us back deep into my dream where I was following Gerard out the door to tell him about this car. The car in my dream was gone but as I turned around I saw my Father. I asked my Father about the car and he told me "I have been looking for you." My Father was upset and I was trying to comfort him.

I was awakened to the phone ringing, it was Gerard telling me that he wanted to tell me he loved me. He told me that I looked like I was dreaming and he wanted to make sure I was okay. I guess his response is from so many years of dreaming and awakening in a panic or tears.

I wonder what my Father was tring to tell me? I feel sad that he was so distressed tring to find me. I know it was just a dream but it seemed so real. My hope for tonight is to get some sleep if I can. Night, night.

Have you ever been called a hippo...

2011-03-26T01:10:00.001-07:00

And liked it. Now one thing I am honest about is that I care a little extra weight around. I always say that darn night shift will do it every time. While I waited for Anna to come into my life I gained weight. Nope this is not something I am proud of but it is the facts. I had gain a total of 30 lbs. Yikes did I just write that out.

After Anna came home I had started a walking routine mostly so that she would fall asleep for an hour or so. We walked everyday for a couple of months then the weather got cold and the walking stopped. During those walking months I had lost a ton of weight, 40 lbs to be exact. Since I have stopped walking the weight has crept back on, 20 lbs to be exact.

Again this is not something that I am proud of mostly because I have struggled all my adult life with my weight. So when Anna sat in my lap the other day and patted me she said

"Mama hippo"

I could feel myself getting upset. Then she patted herself and said

"Anna hippo...Daddy hippo"

She gets it that we are a family. As the days have passed I have been a Mama hippo, Mama bear and Mama duck. Getting the concept of a family unit can be a hard thing for any little child but knowing that Anna gets it is just another amazing thing that she has learned.

Yes, I do believe this is the first and only time I have liked no I mean love being called a hippo.

A Sibling for Anna?

2011-03-24T04:15:00.000-07:00

I did see your question about a sibling for Anna. I guess this is a complicated situation or maybe it just is in my mind. I hope this does not sound too random or hard to follow. You all are not the only ones who have asked.

Gerard's father was over to play with Anna the other night. She had him out in the yard running, kicking a ball and climbing into her playhouse. Exhausted, he came in with Anna in tow to play in the house. For the first time ever he asked "Maybe Anna needs a brother or a sister?" I could see that he was a bit nervous to ask.

First off time and money! I finished nursing school when I was 20 years old, a week later I got a job and have been at that hospital ever since. I have moonlighted at another hospital closer to where I live but really did not have any desire to be at that hospital full time. At the beginning of this year I decided that I need to go back to work full time. Yes, after Anna came home I started to use up some of my vacation time and took call offs without pay when the patient census is low.

Getting 'called off' or put 'on call' is probably the single most enjoyable benefit that my unit offered from a Human Resources point of view. Since Anna has been home I have averaged between 56-60 hours per 2 weeks. I do still have some debt from the adoption and time period directly after Anna came home. More debt then I feel very comfortable with so I will say paying this off is a major priority for me this year.

I am now back to work full time and I have also picked up a second job, 2 shifts per month which will bring up my grand total of nights of work to 14 if I do not get 'called off'. I know this is still way less then most people work in terms of days out of the house so I feel blessed. I have also planned a bunch of vacation time throughout the year.

When I am not working and Anna is not in school we are together. The same is true for Gerard. We feel like for the next couple of years she is our main focus. Gerard and I have not been out together once without Anna since she came home. We are now starting to talk about a night out together alone.

Is Anna ready for a sibling? This is a much harder question to answer. Anna has really started to take ownership of me and her things. Anna's home, Anna's Daddy, Anna's toys and sharing these things is some thing that we are working on. With Anna's speech delay it is difficult for her to verbally express her frustrations over sharing her things. I am so fortunate that Jaime, Hans' Mother is so understanding and forgiving. Anna has been home over 17 months now and it is still difficult for her to see me hold Hans.

She gets distressed and wants him out of my arms almost immediately. I know that Anna and Hans are close in age but if I were to adopt from Russia again I would be referred a child close to Hans' age.

I struggle with adding a child Hans' age to our home because although I believe that having more then one child is wonderful I am not sure that having more then one child would be wonderful for Anna at this time. We have not had the pleasure of being around a newborn and I think that would be different for Anna on some level because the toys, games and activities are very different for a newborn.

Unlike so many I am not infertile. Are you shocked? Adoption was our first choice over conceiving a child with our own DNA. I know I may seem easy going but I would be a wreck if I were to become pregnant. So much of a wreck that I told my friends where I work that I would not deliver there for fear something bad would happen. I know this is a very unreasonable fear but my fear never the less. As my birthday approaches I do realize that I am now considered advanced maternal age, yes I will be 39 years old. As I age the chances of me becoming pregnant become less. I know this may sound crazy but I am looking forward to turning 40 next year.

So in terms of money another Russian adoption is not in the picture for today. Getting pregnant if that were to happen would be welcomed and of course I would face my fears because I am also too much of a control freak to not deliver where I work in spite of my fears. Domestic adoption is not something that I think I could be comfortable with. I think in our country domestic adoption is not seen as an option for many young mothers or mothers who have more children then they can care for.

I have worked in the newborn nursery for over 10 years and have seen less then 5 adoptions where the adoption plan was used. I have cut or seen the bands of potential adoptive parents cut off and watched them leave crying more times then I care to count.

I think that the biggest thing that weighs on my mind is I made a commitment to Anna when I stood in that court room to give her a nice life. A life that is filled with education, travel and most importantly my time. I am very open to another adoption if I were able to not work full time or be in a load of debt.

I would even consider an open adoption with a woman who was very committed to the adoption plan. I think one reason why open adoption plans are not considered a good option is that there is a fear that both parties, the adoptive parents and the birth parents, will not hold up their end of the agreement. Just because I say I am willing to provide pictures and some contact with the child the birth mother may not believe me even though I am an honest do what I say type of person.

I guess if having another child either through adoption or pregnancy is in the plans for me then it will happen. I would surely welcome another child. Coming from such a large family it does seem a bit odd that she will not have a brother or sister, I guess this is a firm maybe.

Puzzles

2011-03-21T16:56:00.000-07:00

Puzzles are a big thing in our house. I admit I love puzzles but in recent years I have not made nearly enough time to sit and do a puzzle. I have always thought when I make a quilt it is very much like a puzzle so maybe I have made time to puzzle. I love how when Anna puts a puzzle together you can see her thinking about which piece fits where.

Anna is up to putting together 100 piece puzzles on her own. We have a 300 piece puzzle that her and I put together of St. Basil's cathedral. I love that when we put puzzles together we talk. I think that staying connected is important. I often wonder how I will talk to Anna about being adopted.

Adoption is not much different then a puzzle. Without one piece, Anna's birth parents, the puzzle is not complete. Without love and respect for Anna's birth parents our family puzzle is not complete. Some puzzles are small some puzzles are bigger. Our family puzzle is just a little bigger then others.

Preferences

2011-03-16T18:03:00.000-07:00

As I waited for Anna to be brought to the door at school for pick up today it struck me that she has preferences. I know this sounds crazy but when Anna first came home much of what she wore and did was determined by me. I have friends who are laughing at me right now because they kept telling me that this would happen.

Anna prefers Gerard to pick her up from school. I am sure that it has to do with when he does pick her up instantly she knows that there is a play ground or Papa in her immediate future. She loves to drive in his truck.

Anna's favorite musician so far is James Taylor. I would play this when she was first home and sing to her when she was upset. I think it is amazing that she remembers this music. Anna likes to pick out her pajamas and in fact stay in her pajamas all day if I would let her.

Anna loves to sit on my lap during dinner. Anna loves when Gerard and I are both home for cozy time and prefers that we sit on the smaller of the two sofas together. Anna calls sitting on my lap "the nest."

I guess why I am writing this is just over 2 years ago a met a little girl who seemed to like me but was cautious. She looked for my approval, She was quiet even though I felt like she was my daughter, she was not.

Today as I was dressing Anna for school she told me. "Mama love you." I admit I am shameless and tell Anna that I love her all the time. I want her to know that I love her and telling her is just one way.

When Anna first came home she had no preference for me verses any other woman. Today is so much different. I could never have imagined how good this would feel to see her little face or hear her call my name.

I guess I have a preference too. I so prefer being her Mama then being childless. Thank you God for this some times difficult, sad and long journey because the reward is far better then I could have imagined.

March 12, 2009

March 12, 2011

More Paper Work!

2011-03-13T11:12:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am always in the middle of a ton of paper work. I guess everyone is but for some reason paper work if it is not completely organized makes me crazy. Back in September of 2009 when Anna was first home I was in the middle of organizing the tons of paper work that I received connected with her adoption. When I looked over this paper work I noticed an error in the English translation of her Adoption Certificate. I also needed to have the English translation of her medical information because one night she turned blue on me. She was seen the very next day by a Pediatric Cardiologist who did a complete examination of her and determined that she had held her breath for me. Thank goodness this never happened again. I remember how my own heart quickened when I saw her little face turn blue. I thought I was stressed I guess she had more to complain about then me.

Last week I had decided that I would start the re-adoption/co-adoption process for the state of New Jersey. I got a quick education about what was needed for this to proceed. The state of New Jersey does not require parents who adopt internationally to re-adopt the child in the state of New Jersey. The court decision of other countries is recognized by the state of New Jersey. What does this mean? Basically the state of New Jersey recognizes me as Anna's Mother in every sense of the word Mother. If I were to come to an untimely death Anna would have complete rights to my estate. As it stands now Anna does not have any rights to Gerard's estate as an heir because he is not her legal Father. Anna is mentioned in his will as I am as well.

As always my first call was to my home study agency A Loving Choice Adoption Associates. It was wonderful to talk with Cathy at the agency. I actually miss talking with her and have decided that I will pay a visit to her in the office very soon with Anna. I gave her a quick update about our lives and what things have been happening here.

Even though I do not need to re-adopt Anna having her adoption recognized by the State of New Jersey is a good thing. The biggest reason is I will be able to get a copy of her birth certificate any time I want. If I wanted 16 copies I could have them for a small fee. If I do not complete this paper work then I will only ever have the one copy I was given when I picked up Anna in Russia. This is just not practical. In New Jersey I have 2 options:

First option is to have Anna's adoption recognized by the state of New Jersey. There are some pro's and con's if I decide to take this route. The good part of this option is with the exception of the correct English translation of Anna's adoption certificate I have all the pieces of paper work needed to complete this process. The fee is 2 dollars to have Anna's adoption recorded, 25 dollars for a birth certificate and 2 dollars for each additional birth certificate. The con is if I choose this option Gerard can not be added to the birth certificate as her Father.

Second option is to re-adopt and co-adopt Anna. The pro is Gerard can be named as her Father. If I decided to change Anna's name to include his last name I could. The con is we would have to have criminal background checks which are a no brainier since neither of us have a record, a home study and an attorney then we would have to go to court again. The cost for this option will cost us at least 2000 dollars, which means more time, more paper work and more money.

I know me being single is a sore spot for many who comment of my blog. Here is a little known fact and is also the first time I am telling anyone. Gerard and I had discussed getting married right after Anna came home. We wanted to get married after the first post placement report and before the second post placement report. Which would have been exactly a year ago. Gerard has been at every one of my Home study meetings and has met my Social Worker many times and even discussed the reasons why we have not married with her.

So what happened you ask and why write about this now? First off one day Anna will ask me so that is the reason why I want this to be a part of the blog. After Anna came home things were not how I expected them to be. I was tired, more stressed then I ever could have imagined. I was so worried about Anna's eating or lack of eating. Anna and I had some difficulty in the attachment area. I started to second guess every decision I made.

Then I felt myself back in a position that has haunted for years, I was faced with losing my Mother. My first weeks home were filled with nothing but worrying about leaving Anna, being at every doctor's appointment and counting the days until I had to return to work. My maternity leave was nothing like I had pictured it to be. I guess nothing about my life has been how it should be or the way others think it should be.

I want to thank you all for being so kind to me. I do think writing this stuff down and reading it kind of puts my thoughts in order. So what will be the outcome? I guess the answer is both I will have Anna's adoption recognized by the State of New Jersey and Gerard will go on to adopt her and be added to her birth certificate. My last name will remain in her name but we are still not sure how. We may hyphenate her first and middle name to make her Anna-Catherine with my last name as her middle name and Gerard's Last name as her last name or we could hyphenate both our last names to make her last name. I am practicing writing them both out.

Our plan is to coordinate the Home study that we need for Gerard's adoption with one of the two post placement reports that I still have to complete for Russia. I hope to hear back from the State of New Jersey in the next 2 weeks or about her NJ birth certificate. I am also thinking it is a good time to get Anna a US passport in to help if I decide to travel outside of the U.S. As much as I love the way her Russian passport looks it is time that we also recognize that she is a U.S. citizen as well.

I've been yelled at

2011-03-09T00:11:00.000-08:00

Yup by my Mother! Her question was "Do you know that you have not updated your blog since February 21st?" My answer was "Yes." For those who read often I am sorry, truly I am. I have so much that I want to share, so much I should not share.

February and March are two of the most difficult months for me. I often wonder how can I be okay for ten other months of the year and these two are so hard. Of course I do not expect those who do not know me in real life to understand my grief. I will be honest I am not sure if I will ever get past my personal grief over losing my Father. I have always felt like he was taken from me at a point in my life when I needed him the most but I guess everyone feels that way when they lose a parent.

I wonder if I ever mentioned that I have five sisters? I wonder if I ever mentioned that even though I am number 5 in the line up out of 5 for my Mother that I was my Father's first born. My Father had been told that he could not have children. My Father was 37 years old when he had me, the same age as I was when Anna came home. I think one of the things that I have battled with is being a middle child and the first born child all in one.

Have I told you all that I started to read a new book? Silver Boxes: The gift of Encouragement by Florence Littauer. This book is interesting to me first off because it is all little short stories about how one's comments to another can affect them both in a positive and negative manner. What I like most about the book is that there are many different inspirational passages from the Bible sprinkled throughout the book.

The basic philosophy is everyone has a silver box. In that box are words of encouragement, little gifts that are given by another. These encouraging words can be given by anyone to anyone. Just as these gifts can be given they can be taken away just as easily with negative comments. I wonder how many times I have said something to another that has not been positive. Is it once or twice a day or more often like once or twice an hour that I take from someone's silver box.

My Father was an interesting person for many reasons. Have I ever told you that my Father had a pretty severe speech impediment? Verbal communication for him was difficult, he would stutter and stammer through what he wanted to say. I think back to my many interactions with my Father and think "Wow he really thought that through before he said that." I am sure that it was in part because of his difficulty speaking easily.

As he was dying he had a stroke. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was at work, my Father was home with my Mother when I got the call. Her exact words were "I think something is wrong. I just do not know what it is." I had her put him on the phone so I could talk to him. I asked him a few questions and suddenly knew just what was happening. I asked him a couple of yes or no questions which he answered then I asked him what my name was and what came out next were words that meant nothing and were not even close to my name.

I had my secretary call Gerard to go and pick him up immediately which he did and bring him to me. I met them all in the Emergency Room just after they arrived Gerard was standing behind my Father who was sitting in a wheel chair. I saw the tears streaming down Gerard's face, he and I both knew this was serious. Facing my Father I had to give him words of encouragement to fill his box that I could handle this and that things would be okay.

Suddenly I realized that I would never hear another word of encouragement from my Father even though he sat right in front of me. My Father had something called expressive aphasia. He could understand everything we were saying to him and could not understand that we could not understand him. There was so much more that he wanted to say to me, my Mother and my sisters but that would never be possible.

Later that night he fell into a coma, as his oldest child I was responsible for making all the medical decisions. My parents had divorced a number of years prior. I remember settling him into his room that night arranging the pillows in just the right spots. His doctor was not on call but the covering doctor wanted to talk to me at the desk. I went to the desk to talk to him and he very coldly told me that he may not recover and did I want him to be a Do Not Resuscitate? My answer was yes. I know it sounds sad that the covering doctor was cold and clinical but I think back and remember that as being a good thing.

I signed the DNR paper not as the nurse witnessing a family member's signature but as that family member consenting to let my Father die in a natural peaceful way. This was the right situation in our case but a decision that later caused some conflict with my younger sister. I was accused of "playing God." I'm not sure if which was harder signing the paper to make him a DNR or hearing those words from my sister.

I am not sure if every work place does this or not but we would celebrate everyone's birthday with a cake and a quick chorus of Happy Birthday. My Father recovered the ability to walk but never the ability to eat enough or to speak in a manner that we could understand him. As I worked I watched over him everyday. My friends pulled out a cake on the 24th of March thinking it was my birthday which it is not and they sang Happy Birthday to me. I looked up and saw my Father in the door way of his room. He walked over to me and we danced a bit, he pointed to himself then me, then my engagement ring and we started to dance again. I knew he would not be there to dance with me at my wedding.

Later that day he was medically cleared for discharge. Which brought on a new difficult task, he would not be able to go home but instead a nursing home. I finished my shift, walked into his room like usual, sat him down looked him in the eye and told him that he was not coming home. He cried, I cried. I did my best to explain all the whys to him. After about 2 hours I thought I had settled him down enough to leave for the night so I could grab so sleep and be back in the morning. I was wrong.

I arrived back to find that he would not wake up, he was in a coma again. I believe he had yet another stroke. The worst part is the feeling that I somehow caused this stroke. The next day he was transferred to the nursing home where he lived for 6 days, one day after my birthday.

Do I believe that my Father wants me to hurt over his death, that answer is easy...No, but I do. My life changed that day.

I do not want to go into the reasons why Gerard and I are not married. To be honest I have been the reason why we did not marry so many years ago. To say I was not in the right frame of mind is a severe understatement. In the past couple of years I realize now that I have taken from Gerard's silver box many times. Is is better to know that you have taken from another's silver box?

Are there plans for Gerard and I to marry? This is always the biggest question. The answer is...YES! I love him he loves me. I guess I just need to be able to think about marring him without bursting into tears. I want to feel like I can share that moment with my family, friends and yes my blogger family. I promise to not leave you all out of that moment as long as you all promise to fill my silver box not take from it.

This may seem very random but really it is not. The last comment that I read from a blogger friend was criticism about not being married. I am asking that you all please have some patience with me. Working through my feelings about this will take some time. I want planning a wedding and a marriage to Gerard to be fun. I was thinking about starting to poll every one about what my wedding should be like. What do you all think?

5 Little Monkeys

2011-02-21T03:31:00.000-08:00

I know you all know the song about 5 Little Monkeys jumping on the bed. Yes, you will be singing it most of the day to yourself, sorry. When Anna and I are in the car I find we sing a lot of songs together. My days of listening to the radio blasting are sadly over but they are replaced with talking with my daughter which is so much better.

Last week we had to see GYN doctor in Manhattan for my Mother. I find it hard to believe that it has been six months since her uterine cancer was removed. When we first started going to Sloan-Kettering when Anna was home only for a couple of weeks the days were long. We would leave the house at 5 am and not return until close to 9 pm. Part of it was the drive the other part was she had to see many different specialist along with multiple tests. With each visit my Mother would say "I have a new grand baby, she is adopted from Russia." So many of the doctors who we have visited with know about Anna but have never met her.

Now that the dust seems to be settling with my Mother's health there are some shorter trips. On these shorter trips I have decided to take Anna with us. Anna dazzled the doctor by putting together a 100 piece puzzle while we waited for him to review my Mother's films and test results. But that was not the funniest part of the visit.

Anna and I practiced saying "Hello Doctor" on the ride up. I want Anna to be polite. Addressing others when you meet them with eye contact and a greeting is the start. Well Anna looked him in the eye said "Hello Doctor" then busted into her version of Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed. The doctor looked at me because with Anna's speech delay it can be difficult to understand what she is saying. I started to sing along. When it came to the part of the song that says...And the Doctor said...Anna pointed at the Doctor and insisted he sing along. He laughed, we all laughed.

So even though the day is long on the short trips, Anna has proven that she is okay going with us. I hope that we can include some fun times into our trips. I hope to be able to save up for tickets to see Lion King on Broadway after one of these appointments. When we first started going to Sloan-Kettering I never thought that Anna would be able to sit in the car that long in traffic or the waiting room. I never thought that she would allow me to listen to the doctor as he or she spoke about my Mother's condition. I just can not believe how much she has grown.

Where have I been?

2011-02-19T10:16:00.000-08:00

Well I have been home and just plugging along in my daily routine.

When I first met Anna close to 2 years ago I used my brand new video camera to film her and I playing together. The type of camera I used was one that burns it to a DVD. I fully admit that I know very little about camcorders but I knew I wanted footage of Anna walking and talking. Over the months while I waited I would watch that video and it got me through knowing that one day I would get to watch her in person.

As many of you know once Anna got home things more then exploded in my house with my Mother getting sick, issues at work, the holidays and just getting used to being her Mother. Some how that video was lost. I suspect it was through out by mistake. I have been quite sad in knowing that this video is gone. I wanted to make a cool video to music that included footage from Moscow, Cheboksary and Anna and I at the orphanage.

To my surprise I was looking through my computer hoping to find something else and to my surprise I found the footage that I thought was lost on the disk that I think was thrown out. So this is the reason for my absence from my blog. My computer has been running very slow either from the number of pictures I have on the hard drive or perhaps a virus. Last week my nerves got the best of me and I packed up my computer to take to my friend who is a computer Wiz. He actually enjoys fixing them go figure.

My hope it that he will be able to get this video downloaded onto a DVD that I can pop into our player. I so badly want to see my little baby running around again, she has gotten to much bigger. I feel like the time is just slipping away from me and I want so badly to enjoy every minute.

I plan on asking Mike to put a small piece of her video on You Tube so I can embed it onto the blog. After all that is my goal for this year among many goals that I have set for us. So this is the explanation for no pictures and the lack of stories.